Month: July 2006

You know you’re from Ohio if…
-You don’t think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.
-You snicker when someone’s from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.
-You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
-You’ve heard of 3.2% beer.
-Schools close for the state basketball tournament. Deer season, too.
-You’re proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.
-You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
-You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
-You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
-“Toward the lake” means “north” and “toward the river” means “south.”
-You’ve heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.
-You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
-You root for a college team though you’ve never taken a class there.
-You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,and Tuscarawas Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in “Cincinnati.”
-You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.
-You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.
-You know what game they’re playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.
-“Vacation” means spending a day at Cedar Point or King’s Island.
-You measure distance in minutes.
-Down south to you means Kentucky.
-Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
-Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
-You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
-You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
-You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
-You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: “Where’s my coat at?”
-You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
-You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
-You carry jumper cables in your car.
-You know what pop is.
-You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
-Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
-You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
-The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
-You think that deer season is a national holiday.
-You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
-You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.
-You’re still reading this.

You know what Malfunction Junction is.
You know the latitude and longitude of every tropical wave.
Of all the bad four-letter words, WIND is the worst.
you never have more than 20 dollars worth of food in yourr freezer
you think your hall closet or saferoom as cozy
you can cook any thing on a propane grill
you think the $6000 total home generator is reasonable
you’ve ever been to the beach in January
you’ve ever seen an alligator on a golf course
you know the score of the last five UF and FSU football games
you own a puka shell necklace
you consider laying out a sport
senior adults outnumber teenagers 50 to 1 in your town
you call ditches, “canals”
you know a really good shark attack story
your city doubles in size every winter
you think everybody wears shorts and a t-shirt at Christmas
you can tell the difference in an orange tree and a grapefruit tree
you’ve heard tales of a fluffy white substance some people call “snow”
you own a hurricane tracking map
6 feet tall rodents wearing clothes are a common sight
you consider it cold when the temperature drops below 80 degrees
you hear “Orange County” and you think of Orlando, not L.A.
you own a surfboard or know someone who does
you know a homemade cure for sunburn
you’ve ever broken into a sweat walking from your front door to your car . . . in February
you demand a recount
you have a palm tree in your yard
the best restaurants in town have names like Crusty’s or Fat Boy’s
you know where a shuffle board court is located
you hear “casual attire” and think board shorts and a tank top
you own more than one pair of flip flops
you own a “good” pair of flip flops
you never leave home without your sunglasses and your umbrella
you’ve ever gone to the beach on your lunch break
you always carry a swimsuit in your car, just in case
your “winter coat” is known as a wind breaker in other parts of the country
the only suit you own is a wet suit

You might be from New Jersey if…
-you know what “Quick Check” is
-you hang out at said “Quick Check” in the parking lot with your friends doing absoutely nothing and talking about what you are going to do to your car next so you can drag race it better.
-you lock your car doors even in small towns
-you are desperately wanting to leave the state to go anywhere else and when you do, find you really miss it.
-you own any kind of “hooked up” car
-you know what “hooked up” means
-you know where/what Shades of Death road is
-you have been to Shades of Death road
-you have heard of Shades of Death road
-you know where/what Ghost Lake is
-you have been to Ghost Lake
-you have heard of Ghost Lake
-you have walked across Ghost Lake in the middle of winter at dusk
-you have been kicked out of any diner for hanging out there too much
-you have been told by a cop that it is your job to drool over a nice Mustang or Camaro so you won’t be kicked out of the “Quick Check” parking lot
-you can’t get your nice drag racing car inspected because of New Jersey’s strict emissions tests.
-even after moving to California you are shocked when you find out you actually have to get off the freeway to get into the K-Mart parking lot…
-you think Jughandles and Traffic circles is the cure for all of California’s traffic problems.
-after moving to California you get lost on a side street approaching a freeway interchange because the overpass bridge is ahead and not to the right or left.
-you get mad when your California friends complain that it took 2 whole years to build a 40 mile long freeway, and tell them all about Interstate 287.
-you know what the blue law was, and on Sundays drove to Nanuet NY to shop.
-the schools celebrated Halloween, Christmas, and Hannukah.
-you knew the whole story of Molly Pitcher and the Jersey Devil.
-you understood all the stuff about hooked up cars and quick check but not ghost lake, so you ran for your back copies of “Weird NJ” magazine to find out what it was.
-you can taste the difference in a pizza that isn’t from jersey.
-you lapse into spanglish but have no hispanic heritage.
-screw what everyone else says, it’s taylor ham, NOT pork roll.
-you know at least five people who have a shore house *NOT a beach house*.
-you sit back and wait at a gas station *after waiting 2 years longer than everyone else to drive legally after midnight*.
-your parents tear up talking about how great asbury park “used to be”.
-you kow at least three people or places shown on “the sopranos”.
-you live within twenty minutes of at least three malls.

You might be from Michigan if…
1. You’re in a foul mood for days if the Red Wings loose a game.
2. You know what Greenfield Village is.
3. You party in Canada on the weekends.
4. You wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees out.
5. You don’t find sleeping under the head of a deer disturbing at all.
6. Getting a new winter coat is a huge deal.
7. It’s POP!!!! NOT SODA!!!
8. You drag out “a”‘s. (Say bathroom)
9. Ohio is down south.
10. You freak out when someone tells you they’ve never been to Cedar Point.
11. You go to White Castle more than McDonalds.
12. You see snow more than sun.

You might be Irish if…

–There are a statue of the Blessed Virgin AND a Celtic cross AND a leprechaun in your garden.
–At least one brother and more than one male cousin have Patrick as a first or a middle name, or at least one sister and more than one female cousin has Mary as a first or a middle name.
–You don’t know anyone who went to Notre Dame, but you root for them every college football season.
–You don’t see what the big deal is about drinking green beer on St. Patrick’s Day.
–You regularly quote lines from “The Quiet Man” and “Waking Ned Devine”.
–You feel a pang of guilt every time you wear orange.
–You know what “Up the Republic!” means.
–You have a welcome mat and/or bumper sticker that says something in Gaelic, and you don’t speak a word of the language.
–You know the right way to pour a “Black and Tan” (half Guinness, half Harp).
–You know why it’s inappropriate to call it a “Black and Tan”.
–You don’t go out on St. Patrick’s Day because “It’s amateurs night.”
–Or you skip work on St. Patrick’s Day to go to a parade and drink in your favorite pub.
–It was a family scandal when one of your siblings/cousins married an Episcopalian.
–If something funny happens to you, it takes you twice as long to tell the story as the event actually was.
–The summer is not complete if you don’t attend at least one Celtic Heritage Festival.
–Anytime you hear bagpipes, you say, “The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes, but they never taught them how to play.”

You might be from Illinois if:
-you see pizza from other places and wonder why the sauce isn’t on top
-you have a fully developed ‘Chicago Walk’
-you aren’t surprised when your weekend activites include drinking with your friends in just a number of various locations
-you know how to play ‘Pididle’ and know it isn’t a good idea
-you know that Illinois is basically Chicago with a giant farm attached to it
-you yell at people who pronounce the ‘S’
-you think that there are only two seasons
-you and your friends take road trips to the Spam Museum
-you know that you only get on the interstate if you are going to the city, the airports, or out of state

You might be a history major if….
1. You find yourself correcting your parents on their history (especially since the last history class they had was in high school…apparently, my dad thinks that Frank Lloyd Wright was one of the Wright Bros.).
2. You find yourself correcting YOUR PROFESSORS on their history…and they admit they’re wrong.
3. You enjoy watching the History Channel.
4. You tape history biopics.
5. You tape history documentaries.
6. You imagine yourself making commentaries on history like the historians do in the documentaries.
7. Your personal library has several books on history.
8. You buy old, used history textbooks at the Used Book Store.
9. Your parents ask you for questions related to history.
10. Family members ask you for questions related to history.
11. You are preoccupied with what you are going to write your master’s thesis on while you’re at the end of your sophomore year in college.
12. Ever since you got that A in world history back in high school, you’ve wanted to take it over again (though it wasn’t allowed).
13. Your friends back in jr. high kept telling you how “useless” history is.
14. You told your friends how USEFUL history is back in jr. high.
15. You shudder at the thought of majoring in something boring like business or finance.
16. You’ve often pondered things like, “what would happen if Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo?”
17. You felt the History Channel was dumbing down its audience when they came up with the show called “hands-on history.”
18. You got upset when the History channel cancelled the show, “In Search of History.”
19. You often imagine what it’s like to be in a particular era in time.
20. You’re into your junior year of college and you’re still figuring out what kind of history to specialize in.
21. Various historical figures make your list of “most admired people”
23. Your personal hero lived over 500 years ago.
24. Your #1 destination is the Library at Alexandria
25. You remember the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World and get upset when people get it wrong (which is all the time)
26. You correct mistakes in your history textbooks and you’re in high school.
27. You observe your favorite historical figures’ birthdays and death anniversaries.
28. You got digital cable because that’s the only way you can get the History Channel where you live.
29. You complain about inaccuracies in “historical” films.

You might be a freshman in highschool if…
1. You sign up for every club available.
2. You make a point of dressing like and acting like the social group you wish to infiltrate…
3. …and habitually walk by their “spot” an average of 12.5694 times each lunch…
4. …buying food each time so you don’t look suspicious
5. You walk around pretending to be drunk and/or stoned
6. Someone calls you a tweaker and you say “thank you”
7. You still think guys have cooties…
8. …and still chase them around at lunch
9. “you know, you don’t seem like a typical freshman” is a compliment of the highest caliber.
10. You walk around asking people if they’re “Gothic”
11. You don’t know what a poseur is.
12. Teen magazine is your bible.
13. You are on intimate terms with a trashcan.
You actually fall for that one about the pool being on the 3rd floor.
You shut yourself in your locker when that football playing senior walks by.
You’re the one hanging from the hook in the coaches office because you were in the way again.
–You have no idea what “the Commons” is
–You are the towel boy…for the Arm-Wrestling Club
–“Is this island completely surrounded by water?”
–You ask the school counselor about taking a class in the “custodial arts” cause a Senior suggested it to you.
–Get spotted in the Greenhouse because someone told you it was the Sex Loft.
–Stole a book…from the school library
-you are intimately acquainted with the insides of every dumpster on campus
-you actually bought an elevator pass, and your school only has one floor.