You might be computer illiterate if…

A list from 10+ years ago…

  • you slide the mouse pad over when the mouse gets to the edge.
  • there is writing on the white-out on your screen
  • -you can’t figure out what a colon followed by a minus sign and a parenthesis means ūüôā
  • someone asks you how to cut and paste, you say “just use scissors and glue.”
  • you try to squash your disk to compress files in it.
  • you scream “Bloody hell! What have i done wrong THIS time, you ***** computer?” every time your computer spits out “error”.
  • you own your computer only 5 minutes before you crash it. (Lisa)
  • you try to find a game and can’t, and you hit the monitor and scream, “Why won’t you work?!?” (Lisa)
  • when the screen saver comes on you’re almost positive that your computer really did crash this time.
  • if there is white out on your computer screen. (Visitor submission)
  • if you don’t use Windows because you religiously don’t believe in icons. (Dave Tibbs)
  • you wonder who General Protection Fault is and what the hell the army wants from you.
  • the only reason you hang out with that *geek* next door is because he will fix your computer for free (Amy R.).
  • you think your mouse is a foot pedal (Jason)
  • you own a Macintosh (Visitor Submission: Doc Holiday) (please don’t flame me on this one.)
  • you think the computer from which virus came actually created the virus (it’s all a conspiracy).
  • you think modem usage will show up on your phone bill.
  • you think the “escape” key will beam you out of the building in case of fire.
  • you don’t know where the “any” key is.
  • you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell Windows 95 what to do.
  • you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell DOS what to do.
  • you use AOL disks as coasters.¬† (Also a sign that you’re a computer geek.)
  • you’ve used the CD-ROM tray as a cup holder.
  • you think Dilbert creates artificially high standards for managers.
  • you think laser printers receive print commands by laser beam.
  • you’ve ever tried to play a CD-ROM in a stereo.
  • you’ve ever tried to talk to a modem on the other end of the line.
  • you went shopping for Microsoft Bob for Dummies…
  • …and you really needed it.
  • you think Microsoft Windows is a rip-off, because it never does what you want it to. (Geeks have this problem too.)
  • Someone gives you a 5-1/4″ Floppy and you fold it to fit in your 3-1/2″ Drive and wonder why the drive doesn’t work. (Michael M.)
  • You immediately move to Mexico or Canada because you got an “Illegal Operation” error on your computer screen. (Jay)

Coffee personalities of the cubicle dweller

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“Who moved my coffee” – Scurries in and out of the break room every five minutes to see if coffee has been made yet.¬† Moves quickly to avoid being identified as someone who has seen the empty coffee pots and yet not made a pot of coffee.¬† Related to The person with a phobia of making coffee.

The person with a phobia of making coffee – Leaves 2+ nearly empty pots on active burners after getting coffee, before 9am. ¬†If the coffee maker is already in such a state, will discreetly duck into the bathroom or wait 5 minutes for someone else to make a pot or two. ¬†Sometimes will turn off the burners or pull the filter basket out to “save energy” or hint that someone needs to make coffee.

The busy bee coffee maker – The opposite of the “phobia” person. ¬†Feels compelled to always ensure that all pots are full of fresh coffee. ¬†Will occasionally dump out a 1/2 pot that looks “old” to make this happen.

The dependent decaf drinker – As any dependent coffee drinker, drags self to the coffee maker, desperate for that morning boost, and grabs the DECAF pot.

The cheery decaf drinker – Acts about as cheery as someone who’s had a quad shot of espresso for the first time and walks up for a refill of decaf.

The half and half drinker РProbably uses coffee as an excuse for his half and half habit.  Frozen coffee drinks at major chain stores are usually darker.

The burn off drinker – will drink the mostly evaporated sludge at the bottom of the pot. Sources are unclear whether this is a preference or laziness.

The “save energy because it’s after 10am” coffee drinker – Sometimes this is a cover for a phobia of making coffee. ¬†Other times, this is a reincarnation of your parents or grandparents who chased you around the house turning off everything you turned on.
The 3pm coffee maker – Sometimes gets offended that a bulk of the office population stops drinking coffee after lunch and grumbles about having to make coffee. ¬†Other times, it’s a simple conditioned response from years of drinking coffee at coffee houses after 9 pm.

The tea drinker – Sends coffee drinkers in a panic when lining up for the last cup of coffee, only to use the hot water spout to make tea.

The oatmeal eater who uses a coffee mug – Same effect as the tea drinker, although the motivation seems a little more sinister.

The overpowering flavored coffee brewer – Brews coffee that taints the flavor of every pot brewed the remainder of the day, as well as tainting the air in 5,000 square feet of office space.

Inspired by Ben Thomas’ suggestions:

The procedural purist – Scolds anyone who takes from the pot early or uses the hot water tap on the coffee maker while coffee is brewing.

The accidental barista – Knows that a coffee house would brew at at least twice the coffee-to-water ratio that the pre-measured packs imply, and thusly, uses two packs of coffee per brew.

Some additional late additions

The soup mug coffee drinker – Drinks coffee out of a coffee mug [see Campbell’s Soup Mug]. ¬†While this serving size is no different than the 16-20 oz coffee tumbler, the clear advantage to this soup mug is the larger exposed surface area to aid in rapid cooling [as opposed to a tumbler which might be expected to keep the coffee warm for a longer period before the coffee is consumed].

The soda drinker Рavoids the coffee area altogether, but sometimes stashes a cold soda in the refrigerator, and therefore, has to navigate the herd of people waiting for the coffee.  Shakes head in amazement at such a dependency on a nasty brown liquid whilst scampering off with own artificially colored/flavored/carbonated water.

The coffee punter – sees an empty pot, sets it on top of the coffee maker to say, “Hey, someone needs to make coffee.”¬† Walks off.

The absent-minded coffee maker – sees an empty pot on the second burner and a half-full pot on the brewing burner, makes a fresh pot of coffee with the half-full pot underneath. Everything near the coffee maker ends up with a permanent coffee coloring and/or smell.