You might be a biker if…

  • going 4-wheeling means your old lady has her own bike.
  • your gloves don’t have any fingers.
  • you prefer to pee outside.
  • your beer preference is BEER.
  • you treat your leather better than your woman.
  • you wash your bike more than you wash yourself.
  • rock-and-roll is the only kind of music.
  • you think Jack Daniels is your best friend.
  • you ride instead of walk down the aisle.
  • you pass out with a beer in your hand without spilling a drop, and finish drinking it when you wake up in the morning.

You might be taking the beanie babies thing too far if…

An oldie from the first days of YouMightBe.com…

  • you spend so much money on beanies that you can’t afford beans.
  • you kick out your grandmother so the beanies can have their own room.
  • someone asks you how many kids you have, and you answer, “1030… but some are doubles.” ( SlipStream )
  • whenever McDonalds has Beanies, you run from one McDonalds to another just to get the full set. ( Michele )
  • you hold up the line at McDonald’s for twelve minutes and seventeen seconds arguing with the cashier who says they are of a particular beanie baby.
  • you knock over 5 old people just trying to reach the beanie aisle.
  • you actually consider sleeping with that teenage cashier at McDonalds just so you can get all of the stupid things. (Visitor Submission)
  • if you and your coworkers take turns faking sick so that you can be in line to purchase the newest Beanie Babies… (Trippin’ Daisy)
  • On Beanie Babies day at the ballpark you take 30 kids, pay for all their tickets, and require them to give their Beanie Babies to you after you go through the gate (actually happened). (Japkin)
  • you’ve ever assaulted someone just so you could have first pick of the beanie babies.
  • whenever McDonald’s has them, everyone in the house gets a Happy Meal.

You might be a bad customer if…

  • you instruct the bartender on how to make a drink because, very loudly, you explain “That’s how they make them at MY country club.” Then you wait to receive your .19 cents in change and don’t tip.
  • you go into a convenience store and buy a pack of gum with a $100 bill then get mad if the cashier can’t give you the right change.
  • you insist that it’s the cashiers job to tell you where the coupon is and have them tear it out for you, then complain to the manager when they don’t comply (and yes this happens almost daily…) ( Sin )
  • you try on the lingerie without any undergarments, and ask the sales associate to give you feedback. (Angela Edwards)
  • you call employees by their first name just because they wear a name tag. ( TiffanyC )
  • you insist that lines don’t pertain to you and proceed to push past everyone else to get to the head of the line, because *you’re* the special one. ( apostrophess )
  • you escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane.
  • you walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes.
  • you yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are. ( janicexxwxx )
  • you *return* the coffee because it’s too hot. ( Jorge D )
  • you order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
  • you ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one. (Dave Tibbs)
  • you get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years. (Dave Tibbs)
  • if you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20 
  • you have to separate transactions for two 2/$1.00 candy bars (but then how would I know how much they are apiece?)
  • you think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
  • you ask for a bag, big printed receipt, etc, when you feel you have been overcharged for something because you want to get the most out of the company. (Dave Tibbs)
  • You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong.
  • While standing in front of the huge of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?” (Melissa R.)
  • You dare ask for a discount at a restaraunt because your kids didn’t like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor (this realy happened) (Melissa R.)
  • you chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
  • you pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

You might be a bad cook if…

  • you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. (Geet)
  • you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
  • the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove. (Marc R)
  • you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled. (Allronix)
  • it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish. (Allronix)
  • your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk. (Allronix)
  • the microwave display reads “TILT!” (Allronix)
  • you open your dishwasher after living in your house for two years and the plastic is still in it.
  • when you BBQ the kids won’t come outside, instead they stand inside the screen door watching you. (Brenda)
  • …three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial. (Brenda)
  • the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire. ( homerunking24@hotmail.com )
  • your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. ( kecia, kecia28@hotmail.com )
  • you make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! (Kecia)
  • your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop. (Lisa)
  • you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.
  • your food melts plastic and silverware. ( phyr@jlink.net )
  • the dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.
  • all your baked goods have the names “asphalt” or “Hockey puck.”
  • you’ve ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli.
  • if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern. (Justin)
  • there are bones in your toast. (Amon-Ra)
  • all you cook seems to be left overs. (Amon-Ra)
  • the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett’s biscuits over yours. ( S. Hammond)
  • the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. ( S. Hammond )
  • your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren. ( S. Hammond )
  • those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy christmas cookies. ( S. Hammond )
  • you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan! ( S. Hammond )
  • you’ve ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. ( S. Hammond )
  • you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heatwave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. ( S. Hammond )
  • the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red ‘biohazard’ symbols. ( S. Hammond )
  • you refer to flour moth larvae as ‘a little extra free protein.’ ( S. Hammond )
  • anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yougurt. ( S. Hammond )
  • your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like. ( S. Hammond )
  • you tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it ‘is good for them.’ ( S. Hammond )
  • if you avoid the hassle of having to ever reseason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for ‘flavor.’ (Remember that Star Trek episode, ‘Mudd’s Women’?) ( S. Hammond )
  • you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
  • there’s no such thing as an unusable leftover. ( S. Hammond )
  • you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. (Scott Smith)
  • you really have messed up a salad.
  • the family pets are no where to be found during dinner
  • around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
  • you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

You might be an AOL newbie if…

  • you can’t surf without a keyword.
  • you expect family friendly chat in every chat room.
  • you’re spending almost as much for dial-up service as some people pay for a cable modem service.
  • you don’t know how to use the at-sign to address e-mail.
  • you think everyone who accesses the internet has AOL.

You might be a caffeine addict if…

  • you think sleep is for the weak. 
  • you’ve just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o’clock, just so “the milk doesn’t go bad over the weekend” (Naz)
  • you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
  • you have a website about caffeine
  • you’re on a first name basis with Juan Valdez ( Bruce Campbell)
  • your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
  • your heart rate is always in triple digits.
  • you know from experience caffeine tablets don’t dissolve in cola. ( Tony Hall )
  • you wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
  • you can name the five flavors of JOLT.
  • you have a mini-fridge under your desk… and a catheter. ( Daryl Banttari )
  • you drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.
  • you ask, “Sleep? What’s that?”
  • you go to the doctor because you’re afraid there might be blood in your Mountain Dew stream. (Becky)
  • every coffee company wants to have your picture on their packs of coffee powder.
  • your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won’t shut anymore.
  • your wife asked you to buy milk, bread and butter and you heard “buy coffee, coffee and coffee.”
  • your slogan is “Save water, drink coffee.”
  • your child’s name is Nescafe.
  • Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
  • Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.you’ve ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
  • you regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. ( Zoe )
  • you have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands “JOLT” and “COLA” ( Zoe )
  • your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
  • you go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
  • your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
  • you’ve ever used the airplane’s Call button just to get a coffee refill.
  • you’ve ever knelt and prayed before a Starbuck’s logo.
  • your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.
  • you can’t remember the last time you blinked. (Ken McKinney)
  • you have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee. (Ken McKinney)
  • f
  • you have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent. (Ken McKinney)
  • you have dark brown colored hair but you are a natural blonde and have never dyed it. (Ken McKinney)
  • the dishes in your house are all coffee cups. (Ken McKinney)
  • your dog’s name is Folgers. (Ken McKinney)
  • you see nothing wrong with using water joe (the caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
  • you believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep (Psycho Dragon)
  • it’s 6:09 AM and you’re on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
  • you have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
  • you’d rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning.  (Caffeine withdrawal is a real headache.)
  • you’ve given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can’t make it 40 days without caffeine.
  • you’ve given up sex, TV, and all forms of meat for Lent before, but STILL can’t make it 40 days without caffeine.
  • you could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
  • you suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.
  • you dip espresso beans.

You might be a nurse if…

  • your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com )
  • discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary)
  • you have the bladder capacity of five people
  • you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance
  • you believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by satan
  • you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, “wow, it is really quiet” is uttered
  • your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
  • you mutter, “great veins” when being introduced to a complete stranger
  • you have ever answered a “lost condom” phone call.
  • you believe chocolate is a food grouP.
  • you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
  • you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
  • your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 years?”
  • you have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control
  • you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
  • you have ever had a patient say, “but i’m not pregnant, i can’t be pregnant, how can i be having a baby?”
  • you have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
  • your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s
  • your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the back yard.
  • you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants
  • when checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren’t sure of the correct answers
  • you always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.
  • your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to “their room.”
  • the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips.
  • you refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors.”
  • you are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.
  • your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat
  • you’ve ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you “I’m afraid of shots.”
  • you believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day
  • you stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing.
  • your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy.
  • you’ve ever sworn you are going to have “NO CODE” tattooed on your chest.
  • you have been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate

The following are from the well-maintained Weird Nursing Tales.   Be sure to check the site for more medical humor, and updates to the following list:

  • You believe tontine treatment is a legitimate alternative.
  • You’ve ever told a patient to ‘move toward the light.’
  • You’ve ever used an ABD as a makeshift sanitary pad
  • You constantly feel the veins in your girlfriends or wife’s arms, boasting, “I could hit that one easy”
  • You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
  • You’ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
  • You ever felt like a Proctologist because you work with assholes
  • It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
  • You ever told a patient he didn’t need to be dead to donate an organ
  • You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
  • You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them
  • In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
  • You do the “only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance”
  • When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
  • You believe skin signs tell all.
  • You believe sick people don’t bitch.
  • You believe air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
  • You believe about 80% of the battery patients deserved it.
  • You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
  • You believe if you drop the baby, pick it up.
  • You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
  • You believe all people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
  • You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
  • You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
  • You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
  • You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
  • You believe there will be problems.
  • You can’t cure stupid.
  • You believe if it’s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
  • You believe heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
  • You believe every Emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse.
  • You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
  • You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn’t back up.
  • You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.
  • You believe there is no such thing as a “textbook case”
  • There is no such thing as a bad code, only codes that didn’t go the way you planned.
  • You believe just because someone’s license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
  • You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your ass covered!
  • Your immune system has reached out and bitch slapped someone visiting the ED because of a head cold.
  • You believe the best way to give someone a nice warm feeling deep down inside is by using warm water in the enema bag.
  • You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
  • To you the phrase “divide and conquer” means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.
  • You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
  • You’ve ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)
  • You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them
  • You believe the best patients are SIR…Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
  • You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience
  • You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
  • You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, ‘Hey, watch this’
  • You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.
  • You no longer have a gag reflex.
  • You hide on Thursday nights to you don’t have to translate all the terms on “ER” for your friends/relatives.
  • You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.
  • You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.
  • You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True –a doctor friend of mine would put the number “45” on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn’t playing with a full load of chromosomes.
  • You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk
  • You use the phrase “Turn and Baste” and you are nowhere near a kitchen
  • You know you are a night nurse when:
    • You live for the thrill of always driving in the opposite direction of rush hour traffic.
    • You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.
    • You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.
    • You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep.
    • You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine
  • You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease
  • You hope there’s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
  • You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.
  • You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.You think friends help you move.  Real friends help you move dead bodies. You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorineYou believe experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.You believe a really good, quality  tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
  • Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.
  • You see stress as a normal way of life.
  • You have a tendency to laugh at your patient’s “big” problems.
  • Your sense of humor seems to get more “warped” each year.
  • You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
  • You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.
  • You tell cops where to go without fear!
  • You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
  • You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  • You’ve ever thought, ‘Patients, God love ’em, because today, I sure don’t!’
  • You believe that saying, ‘It can’t get any worse’ causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
  • You use the acronym FOS (Full of Shit) for constipated patients, and sometimes the ones that aren’t!
  • You refer to your patient with a brain abscess growing E-Coli as “Shithead”. (true)
  • You refer to a newborn as a F.L.K. and the parents a F.L.P.( funny looking kid, funny looking parents)
  • You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn’t already used, to start an IV
  • You have told a patient to “get some rest now” and they die right then and there in front of you and all of their family members.
  • You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder.  ( Tried and true method for desperate ER nurses!)
  • You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just assholes.
  • You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom
  • You believe PIA (Pain in the ass) is an acceptable admitting diagnosis from ER. (True story-the ER MD would list PIA as a diagnosis to alert the floor nurses)
  • You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal ‘no code’ patients. (circling the drain).
  • You’ve ever referred to a patient as DIB (Dead In Bed)
  • You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)
  • You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN
  • You call some of your co-workers ‘Flowers in the Field of Medicine’ because they’re bloomin’ idiots
  • You believe lunch can be absorbed transdermally by applying it to an inconspicuous spot of one’s arm while working.
  • Everything only happens all at once.
  • Most everything can seem humorous…eventually.
  • You know that the North American Wannabe is really an eight-month pregnant woman that is tired of being pregnant, as in, “I wannabe in labor.”
  • You’ve ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF (Failure to Fly)
  • You  don’t mention the name of a frequent flyer so as not to invoke his spirit to bring him/her to the ER and then to your unit
  • When asked, “What color is the patient’s diarrhea?”, you show them your shoes.
    (True story)
  • You’ve ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin’ to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)
  • You have a bumper sticker that says, “I stop for all auto accidents.”
  • Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
  • You have more than five pins on your uniform.
  • You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.
  • You have more T-shirts that say, “Love a nurse PRN” than plain T-shirts.
  • Half of your wardrobe has bloodstains on it.
  • Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
  • You’ve ever referred to other nurses as “Band-Aid Bunnies.”
  • You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.
  • You’ve ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
  • You’ve ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
  • You’ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.
  • Your family stopped talking to you because every time you open your mouth it sounds like a recital from a medical dictionary.
  • You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.
  • You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.
  • You think it is acceptable to use “penis” and “vagina” in a normal conversation.
  • You look in your closet and can’t find anything non-medical to wear.
  • You have never missed an episode of RESCUE 911, ER or Chicago Hope.
  • You’ve been looking everywhere for old copies of St. Elsewhere.
  • You’ve ever wondered whether it would be legal to keep a defibrillator in the trunk of your car.
  • You’ve ever raised your hands to heaven and said, “These hands have been touched by God.”
  • Every magazine in your house has the word ‘nurse’ or ‘RN’ in the title.
  • “Trawling for Trauma” is your favorite saying.
  • You’ve ever told anyone in pain to “stop being a baby and deal with it.”
  • You’ve ever told a patient to “stop faking it.”
  • You carry more gloves on you than a proctologist does.
  • Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
  • You can intubate your friends at parties.
  • You don’t have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.
  • You can comfort anxious patients with, “I know just how you feel. It’s my first IV, too.”
  • You believe any job where you can drive to work in green pajamas is a cool job.
  • You can park next to rich doctors like cardiologists and gynecologists.
  • You can cover your mistakes with Versed.
  • After spending the night with surgeons, they still won’t respect you in the morning.
  • You believe the single diagnostic criterion in “Had seizure in a restaurant” is “Had he paid the bill yet? “
  • You don’t eat before driving to work because you want to be an “easy intubation” if you are in an accident.
  • You think Medic-Alert(r) tags make fine presents or should be issued at birth.
  • You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease, and you quickly calculate if you could be recognized as an off-duty nurse.
  • You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease but wish you had bought that CPR pocket mask you’ve been promising yourself.
  • “Man down” translates to you as ‘Drunk if unwitnessed, Seizure if witnessed.’
  • The first rule in nursing is ‘don’t hurt yourself.’
  • You believe all bleeding stops…eventually.
  • You believe everybody has to die sometime.
  • You believe you can’t hurt a dead man.
  • You don’t get excited about blood loss-unless it’s your own.
  • You don’t hit patients or doctors….unless absolutely necessary.
  • You believe SEX isn’t everything, but it’s a hell-of-a-long-way ahead of what’s second.
  • You think the patient will be all right if he is okay.
  • You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.
  • You believe all fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature.
  • You believe common things are common.
  • You believe a strawberry by any other name would be a heart with acne.
  • Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you’ve obviously don’t understand the situation.
  • You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don’t understand the situation.
  • Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than are uncommon diseases.
  • You believe death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause in the act of dying.
  • You’ve ever said, “WHY am I here?”
  • You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.
  • You can’t see it; it’s probably not there.
  • You know P.I.D. doesn’t stand for “pink in dere.”
  • If you believe if a patient who has a catheter —he needs it.
  • Everyone gets treated exactly the same—until they piss you off.
  • The ER is a mixture of can do, can’t do, and why the hell not!
  • You live by the motto; “To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult.”
  • You know the problem is always better than the X-ray looks.
  • You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia
  • The most common complaint in the ER on a Saturday night is W.A.D.A.O. (Weak And Dizzy All Over, you know — “Oh, I’ve felt real bad all day — just Weak and…”)
  • You can identify the following Syndromes:
    • F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)
    • A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)
    • W.O.F.T.A.M. (Waste of Fuc*ing Time & Money)
    • P.F.O. (Pissed and Fell Over)
    • F.I.T.H. (Fuc*ed In The Head)
    • T.F.B.U.N.D.Y. (Totally Fuc*ed But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet)
    • T.M.B. (Too Many Birthdays)
    • F.U.D. (Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt)
    • F.U.B.A.R. (Fuc*ed Up Beyond All Recognition)
  • When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.
  • When called for orders, the MD says, “Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do.”
  • You swear that certain patients should return to Transylvania because they never show up before sundown and you can never reach them by phone before 4 PM.
  • You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they’ll pee all over you.
  • You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and the last thing they do before they leave it, is take a take a really big crap.
  • You know what a 3-H enema is…High, Hot and Hell of a lot.
  • You refer to ammonia capsules as a “seizure-cure.”
  • You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
  • Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up. The young lady on stage does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot and a half from your nose. You are not aroused, but you DO think, “I could catherize that”. (True story)
  • You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.
  • You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only patient in there is the one that just died!
  • You’ve ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!
  • You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The Ass) precautions!
  • You’re at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn’t bother you.
  • You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system- quantity not sufficient].
  • When asked, “Are you are the nurse on tonight?” You want to respond, “No, I just like dressing up as a Nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!”
  • Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is
  • Ever referred to an intelligence-impaired individual as a functional anaerobe
  • When asked to assist with a pelvic, you ask for a rope to help pull you out, just in case
  • Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, “No, I’ve never had sex”
  • Ever been in the “Death Grip” of gomers
  • Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help
  • Ever referred to KY jelly as “Goober Grease”
  • Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier
  • You know it’s a full moon without having to look at the sky.
  • You have ever referred to a patient as “genetically exclusive” or “genetically challenged.”
  • You’ve developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you’ve encountered over the years.
  • Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
  • You believe in PPP as a diagnosis – Piss Poor Protoplasm
  • You feel like prescribing high-speed lead therapy for a patient or their family.
  • Diagnosing the patient or their family with asynapsing neuritis seems appropriate
  • You refer to an admission diagnosis of ‘PFO’. (Pissed and fell over)
  • You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn’t bother you.
  • You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
  • Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago’s water tank.
  • Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
  • Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey involves an IV and warmed saline, and the turkey usually has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted.
  • You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.
  • When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren’t sure of the answer.
  • You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.
  • If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
  • You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they’ll drop near you and you’ll have to do CPR on your day off.
  • You’ve ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.
  • You’ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone’s vein and said, “Now your going to feel a little stick.”
  • You’ve ever sworn your going to have “NO CODE” tattooed to your chest.
  • You can identify the ‘PID Shuffle” and the “Kidney Stone Squirm” at 15 feet.
  • You’ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.
  • You’ve ever listed a patient’s chief complaint as “I’m drunk”.
  • You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
  • You’ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots.”
  • You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
  • You’ve ever thought, “As long as he’s got a pulse, I don’t care about the rhythm”.
  • You’ve ever referred to a body bag as a “to go” bag.
  • You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he ODed on ‘some kind of pills”.
  • You personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-emergent and Sleeping it Off.
  • You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
  • You don’t ask “frequent flyers’ their history, you know it by heart.
  • You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, “Just two beers.”
  • You tell local drunks tips on where to sleep so you won’t be bothered with a return visit.
  • You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.
  • You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you’re a nurse, you reply “Yes”, and walk away.
  • You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift.
  • A trained physician can’t recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.
  • You believe that all bleeding stops…eventually.
  • You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm…until you get one you DO recognize.
  • You’ve ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.
  • You believe survivability is inversely proportional to societal worth.
  • You believe that if you have two tattoos you will never die, especially if one is a homemade cross or swastika.
  • You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.
  • You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of “tracks” added to estimated days without a bath!
  • Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold
  • You make up acronyms so non-medical people won’t know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, YOYOMF, TSTL…(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Your On Your Own Mother F…, Too Stupid To Live)
  • You think “awake and stupid” is an appropriate choice for mental status
  • You hate working the night of a full moon
  • You’ve ever bet on someone’s blood alcohol level
  • Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
  • You have the bladder capacity of 5 people
  • You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
  • Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint
  • You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA
  • You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
  • You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage
  • You believe the ‘On-call Nurse’ program is a satanic plot
  • You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word ‘quiet’ is uttered
  • Your most common assessment question at 2 am is “Why is this an emergency now?”
  • You have used the phrase’ health care reform’ to terrify your co-workers
  • You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
  • You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed
  • You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You’ve had pain for 3 weeks…have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)
  • You refer to vegetable and you don’t mean the food group
  • You know the local detox center number by heart
  • You believe the lab should have a ‘dumb shit’ profile on the lab requisition
  • You have handled several ‘lost condom’ cases
  • You firmly believe that ‘too stupid to live’ should be a diagnosis
  • You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
  • You believe a book entitled ‘Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time’ will be your next project.
  • You find humor in other people’s stupidity
  • You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
  • Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
  • You believe chocolate is a food group
  • You believe a good tape job will fix anything
  • You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants
  • You can identify the “Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo” Ratio
  • Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change
  • You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt
  • You don’t believe 90% of what you’re told, and 75% of what you see
  • You have your weekends off planned a year in advance
  • You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia…or if they list numerous allergies (except Demerol), or tell you their family doctor is out of town
  • You believe that “Shallow gene pool” should be a recognized medical diagnosis
  • You have discovered a new condition called “Hypo-Xanax-emia”
  • You are totally astounded when someone from a nursing home is understandable
  • You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name
  • You say to yourself, “Great veins!” when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store
  • You think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is perfectly appropriate
  • You have ever referred to someone’s death as a “Celestial Transfer”
  • You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a “Smurf”
  • Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms
  • You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to “Guns and Ammo” magazine
  • You’ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, “I don’t know how that got stuck in there”
  • You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks “Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc….) there?”
  • You have ever issued a “dead head” alert
  • You have ever restrained someone…and it wasn’t a sexual experience
  • You believe a “Supreme Being” consult is your patient’s only hope
  • You have been exposed to so many x-rays, you now consider it a from of birth control
  • You have ever had a patient say, “I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant! I can’t be having a baby!”
  • You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food
  • Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago’s water tank
  • Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s
  • Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard
  • You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol
  • Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent
  • You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine
  • You call tell the difference between a Doctor’s Order and the ground around a chicken farm
  • You call burn victims “crispy critters”
  • You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies

Interesting links:

You might be a band geek if…

  • during concert season you wish you where out on the field. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you can be found before school, at lunch, and after school down in front of the band room with all the other band members. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you spend more time in the band room then at your own house. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you are way too protective of your cubby hole. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you role your feet marching everywhere. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you look forward to band camp every summer. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you relate with the band nerds is the movie American Pie. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • the only dresses you have are black and concert style. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • for guys, the only dress clothes you have are dress slacks and tuxedo shirts ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you go to parades that you are not in and make sure lines are straight, horn angles are parallel, and everyone is on step. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you listen to the classical station and can name off songs that you remember playing in band. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you take comfort in the sound a baton makes banging agaisnt a podium. ( Jennie *Goober* )
  • you own your own E-flat clarinet. (Jamie)
  • you visit your band director everyday at his house.
  • …or you babysit his kids for him.
  • you can play every cadence the drum corps plays despite the fact you play clarinet. (Colt_saa_45)
  • From Miranda:
    • you always start off on the left foot.
    • you can’t walk and listen to music at the same time without marching to the beat.
    • your fondest memories of high school are from being in the band.
    • your best achievements have included becoming first chair and section leader of more than one section.
    • when you hear your favorite songs from band you can’t help but do the fingering for the notes with the song.
    • you don’t know the melody of a song because you only remember the part you played in band.
    • you can pick out all the different parts in any song.
    • …and name the instruments that play them.
  • you still wear your band shirt, from your senior year–ten years ago. ( HeidiPR )
  • you count down the days remaining until field band camp. ( matt )
  • you have a favorite cadence. ( melvan )
  • you walk in step with your friends in the hall, in the street, across campus… ( logan )
  • …or scream “LEFT, LEFT” at people out of step with you.
  • you conduct every time you hear a song play on the radio. ( seamz3 )
  • you proudly show off your trumpet mute collection. ( Jenn )
  • you’ve managed to build a beach-side hut using your old reeds. ( jessa )
  • you constantly sing old band tunes three or four years after graduating.
  • you go back to your old high school to help with summer band practices. ( star437 )
  • you try to hurt the other band at a football game. ( star437 )

You might be a computer geek if…

This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists.  I’m starting this one from scratch.

  • you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc…
  • you’re a card-carrying member of the EFF
  • when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm Graffiti characters. (Scott K. McGrath)
  • you think (x<<6)+(x<<4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80. ( ck )
  • you’ve gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car. ( ck )
  • you know what a router is, and you know what a bit is, but you’ve never heard of a router bit. ( ck )
  • you know the square root of 65536 is 256 without having to do the math. ( ck )
  • you consider 65536 and 256 “nice round numbers”. ( ck )
  • …and you *always* put the period outside the quotes, since you’re not quoting the end of the sentence…what the hell do english majors know, anyway. ( ck )
  • you see a good-looking girl and you DESPERATELY want her e-mail address so you can get to know her.
  • you wake up and realize that your sleep pattern has been following an algorithm.
  • your computer chair has the permanent and stiff indentation of your butt in it. (Samuel L Jacobson)
  • the only tan you’ve ever acquired comes from your monitor. (Samuel L Jacobson)
  • you have assembled your own Linux distribution, and re-wrote some of the more inefficient code, just for fun. ( Hmmm… it’s a thought… )
  • every time someone says “I like iMacs” you get mad and shout out “So you only go for the looks, do you? Superficial guy! The inner qualities are what’s important, not the looks! Beauty is only skin-deep!”
  • when asked if you have more than one hard drive, you answer “In which computer?” (melvan)
  • you postpone your moving date so your computers can set new uptime records. (melvan)
  • given the choice between a T3 and a date with a good looking guy/girl, you’d take the T3. (melvan)
  • you’ve ever been successful at catching a spammer.
  • you call sex with your cute girlfriend “CuteFTP.”
  • you spend more time changing settings in Windows 98 than using it.
  • you dream of high-end computers instead of beautiful girls.
  • you get angry when someone says they own a Pentium IV processor. ( Andy )
  • your friends have a club with the word .com in it. ( Andy )
  • you almost get in a fight when a small child says there is no internet. ( Andy )
  • you think everyone should have an opinion about Bill Gates.
  • you refer to having sex as setting up a LAN!
  • you refer to going to the toilet as “extracting to the temp folder” and flushing the toilet as “deleting the temp folder”.
  • you refer to eating and drinking as uploading!
  • you understand and find www.ircnews.com funny.
  • you’ve ever passed notes at school in binary.
  • you regard the “User Friendly” virus as a good thing.
  • you’ve had an article appear at segfault.org.
  • you’ve figured out how to crash Windows NT on a 128MB system, using only Internet Explorer and Notepad.
  • you snicker whenever someone asks how much memory is needed for Windows NT to run smoothly.
  • you go into a computer store and takeover a discussion for a salesman on the specs and merits of a computer while he site there nodding as you make the sale.
  • you’ve ever written a useless program just for the “fun” of it.
  • …or you prefer writing useless programs.
  • a 23 GB HD, color laser, four 128MB DIMMs, and a 21″ monitor would beat out Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cameron Diaz, Heather Graham, and Cindy Crawford.
  • you can actually read the error message details when a Windows program has a problem.
  • you spend more time chatting on-line in one day than you do in a week’s worth of actual conversation with people face-to-face.
  • there are two magazines in front of you, the newest issue of PC Magazine and the other a porno. And you choose the PC mag over the porno.
  • you refer to using the bathroom as downloading.
  • the number of computers in your house exceeds the number of relationships you’ve had in your lifetime.
  • if you HAS A job or you IS A human being. (this one might be above the heads of a few computer geeks, too.)
  • …and you didn’t correct the grammar of that last item.
  • if (DEC 25 = OCT 31) means true to you.
  • your computer costs more and runs better than your car 
  • your watch is set to GMT. Always. (After all, it’s the only time that makes logical sense.)
  • in real life, you tell people to go to http://www.hell.com/ (Mel)
  • when you’re reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it. (Dave Tibbs)
  • you have the Linux Penguin sitting on your monitor
  • … and you know the penguin’s name.
  • everytime you go to write a note, you put your hands on your desk, as if looking for a keyboard to type it on. (Miko)
  • you’ve ever debated the merits of the FVWM95 window manager…
  • …with yourself.
  • you’re grossly offended that anyone would want to make their Linux box work anything like Windows 95.
  • you wake up wondering which directory you’re in. (Jason J.).
  • you set up your old computer next to your new one 2 months ago so that you could transfer files and you’ve been using them “both” since. (Visitor submission, Keith S.)
  • you have more computers now than you’ve had relationships in your lifetime.
  • your wallpaper is made up of Linux code. (visitor submission)
  • your favorite pasttime is IRC on Saturday nights.  (visitor submission)
  • your computer is set for Dvorak… but your keyboard is actually a qwerty.
  • …you know what Dvorak and Qwerty refer to.
  • you have a PC for every person in the house, and still think you need one more. What if one goes down!? (Laura Goodwin)
  • you salivate when you hear the word, “upgrade” (Laura Goodwin)
  • instead of laughing you say “El-Oh-El!” (Laura Goodwin)
  • you have actually heard someone do this in real life.
  • …and you actually understood what it meant.
  • you dream in code. (Laura Goodwin)
  • you not only know what Be OS is, you have an opinion about it. (Laura Goodwin)
  • you want to be the first one on your block to be wet-wired. (Laura Goodwin)
  • you dual boot because you want to be able to play some of them there cool new games. (Laura Goodwin)
  • you bought a super socket-7 motherboard, not because you really needed it, but because you got it for only 40.00 via an online auction. Now you have a reason to build that extra computer you don’t really need. (Laura Goodwin)
  • to you, the word “scuzzy” is sexy. (Laura Goodwin)
  • your girlfriend kisses you on the neck and you think “uh oh, priority interupt!”. (Dave Tibbs)
  • you and the campus Unix Sysadmin have a geek contest.
  • …and you win.
  • you check your e-mail before you brush your teeth in the morning.  (Abdel).
  • you believe Unix/Linux is the most superior operating system out there (Abdel).
  • you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them…
  • …and you can justify the advantages of doing so.
  • …or you actually reply to the note.
  • you can program in more languages than you can speak. (From: Dan Good)
  • you refer to your computer as a friend.
  • you can talk to your computer without being sarcastic or raising your voice.
  • you talk to your computer the way most people talk to their significant other.
  • you use old CD-ROMs as coasters…
  • …and you’ve collected a matching set for every room in your house.
  • with the exception of the blood-sucking part, you have the same basic characteristics as a vampire.

You might be a Twitter Spammer if…

(Tip:  To report spam, follow @spam on Twitter and then direct message the @username – e..g., “d spam @spammer”)

  • You @-reply people you don’t follow with links.
  • You still have the default avatar (Hint to anyone who hasn’t yet)
  • You have been suspended on a regular basis: “Sorry, the account you were headed to has been suspended due to strange activity. Mosey along now, nothing to see here.”
  • You have one update, yet you add 100 people to your follow list every day.
  • You repeat your same tweet w/ blog post several times a day, and freely admit that it wasn’t a technical glitch on the part of your Twitter client.
  • Shamwow
  • Your followers count is in the single digits, but you’re following 100-1000 people.
  • Your URL goes to a horribly ugly site with black and red bold sans-serif text, sporadic yellow highlights, occasional ALL CAPS and exclamation POINTS on a white background!!!
  • You URL has a video of you pulling $2,000 cash.
  • You are following nor followed by anyone, and regularly send @reply messages advertising your product.
  • You follow people at random and drop them as soon as they’re following you.
  • You have a “system” for making lots of money.
  • Automatic direct messages with links to new followers.
  • “Be-a-magpie”
  • Your “name” associated with your Twitter ID consists of a 6-letter combo of the letters a-s-d-f.
  • All @replies.
  • No status updates.
  • No profile, url, default background…