Operating Systems for Your Brain

If your brain required an operating system like your computer does, what
would it be like?

Windows for brains:
You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a
short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a
“general  protection fault” and as a last resort you have to re-boot your

DOS for brains:
You only think of one thing at one time, and can’t remember anything else you
were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any

Unix for brains:
Wow – you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of
sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same
vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to
learn  how to think. Predominantly a random thinker.

CP/M for brains:
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less
than 3 letters long.

MVS/CICS for brains:
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the
one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unless you
have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an
army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.

OS/2 for brains:
You can think about lots of things at once, but you need the equivalent of
eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce any rational thought.
No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.

Mac for brains:
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good, and is
… different…

Pick for brains:
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small memory. The
trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things
another to compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.

Linux for Brains:
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately,  there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, mouth or
…. thingy…. available yet, so you are reluctant to change over at this

If operating systems ran your car.

Posted to: alt.folklore.computers
From: David Zykin
Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am

MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

Windows:  You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Macintosh System 7:  You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives
you to church.

UNIX:  You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching speeds of 200
miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

Windows NT:  You get in the car and write a letter that says “go to the
store”. Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Taligent/Pink:  You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2:  After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.

S/36 SSP (mainframe, obv.):  You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas.  While walking the rest of the way, you are
run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400:  An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignon.

Additional postings:

Amiga Workbench: You buy the car with wheels, engine and seat, add
dashboard, windshield, tires and trim (that almost matches).  Then you
speed easily toward downtown while combing your hair… except that an
unseen mosquito dive bombs you leaving the car in pieces again.

AIX: you think you can drive it because it _looks_ like the car
you learned on, but none of the controls work right.

SunOS: runs great, but sometimes you wish you’d paid extra and
got the windshield/brakes option package.

Solaris: after three weeks, you go back to the dealer and
demand your trade-in back.

Linux: you install a new stereo and the engine starts knocking. Fortunately,
you’ve rebuilt it 54560 times already so it’s no problem.

HP/UX:  As you proceed to the store at breakneck speed, you marvel at
how solid and smooth things are despite how hard you beat on your car.
On the way home you have a small problem with the glove compartment lock,
but HP won’t help you with it because when you got new tires last month
they weren’t HP brand so now your entire car is “unsupported”.

AIX: You get in the car and start driving around. After six months
of getting used to the funny controls, you find that there’s no way to
work the cigarette lighter. You call the manufacturer, and they send you
part number 2233ab-55dqz-1854@zbf{]^Z..11, which gets attached to the
air filter. Now the cigarette lighter works, sort of (it glows, but
doesn’t get hot enough to actually *light* a cigarette.), but the stereo
is broken. They send you part number 77nnbds7450-ll;94bbx])..99Q, which
you affix to the lower right tie rod. It fixes the stereo, but the lighter
still doesn’t work.

After two years of applying fixes to the suspension, the exhaust, the power
seats, the windows, the rear defogger, the fuel pump, the radiator, and the
fuel injectors, you *still* don’t have a working lighter.

Then the manufacturer tells you that they no longer support your outdated
gasoline powered car, but that if you would care to buy one of the new,
improved, methane powered vehicles, all your problems will be solved.

GEOS:  You get on your motor-scooter and drive to the store quickly and
smoothly, enjoying the scenery and getting great gas mileage.  When
you stop at the auto parts store on the way home for a spare tire,
they look at you as if they don’t know what you mean.

Fully Expanded Mac System 7:  (that is, with everything from Greg’s
Buttons to StuffIt MagicMenu)  You get in the car, wait half an hour for
it to load all the modifications to the brakes, the transmission, the
dashboard — and can’t get to the store, because your gearshift isn’t
compatible with your tailpipe anymore.

Mac System 7.5:  You drag the “me” icon to the “store” icon, and the car
drives you to church … IF the Church GX extension is installed in your

[One of the main features of System 7.5 is “drag-and-drop” printing
through QuickDraw GX.  This lets you drag a region of text to a “desktop
printer” icon.]

Mac System 8 / MacOS:  You get in the car and it drives you to the store,
to church, to your ex-girlfriend’s place in Vermont, to Radio Shack, and
to hell — simultaneously, in Millions of Colors.  And your car will run
on anything from a dirt road to a superhighway.

Cow Capitalism

Cow capitalism

Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity  swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all  four cows back,  with a tax exemption for five cows. The
milk   rights  of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with  an option on one
more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.

International variations:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again
and  learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have
12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high
bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute…

You might be a cheesehead if…

Much like the redneck lists, the good lists make you wonder if the person is putting himself down for being one.

You might be a Cheesehead if…
1. If your idea of a 7-course meal is a Brat and a 6-pack… you might be a Cheesehead!
2. If the Packer gear you wear to the game costs more than the trailer you live in… you might be a Cheesehead!
3. If you go to a December game without a shirt on… and so does your husband… you might be a Cheesehead!
4. If you name any of your kids Brett, Bart, Vince, Ray, or Curly… you might be a Cheesehead!
5. If your wedding dress has a “G” on it… you might be a Cheesehead!
6. If you’ve ever missed a wedding, your own child’s birth, or a funeral to go to a game… you might be a Cheesehead!
7. If you have gotten frostbitten and sunburned at the same game… you might be a Cheesehead!
8. If you owe more money on your seat license than on your car… you might be a Cheesehead!
9. If you refer to the Packers as “we”… you might be a Cheesehead!
10. If ANY of your lingerie has Green Bay Packers anywhere on it, and your husband thinks it’s the sexiest thing you own… you both might be Cheeseheads!
11. If game time temperature is going to be in the 20’s and you’re not sure if you should take a jacket… you might be a Cheesehead!
12. If you have EVER drunk a beer at a game when it was below zero… you might be a Cheesehead!
13. If your skin has ever been frozen to a seat or a goal post… you might be a Cheesehead!
14. If you spend more each month on tickets than you do on rent… you might be a Cheesehead!
15. If you have a casual and a formal cheesehead… you might be a Cheesehead… and an idiot!
16. If wearing a cheesehead to anywhere besides a Packers game seems like a good idea… you might be a Cheesehead!
17. If your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday… you might be a Cheesehead!
18. If you can’t say “Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field” without dropping your voice 2 octaves… you might be a Cheesehead!

You might be a cheapskate if…

I’m wondering if this was submitted by a soon-to-be ex-wife:

You might be a cheapskate if……

1. You concentrate on lowest prices than quality of an item.
2. You’ve ever went Christmas shopping at Goodwill.
3. You bought your wife her anniversary present at a yard sale.
4. Your brand new car will only last 2 years because you will never take it for repairs when needed.
5. You never buy flowers at Memorial Day.
6. You take your wife out for her anniversary dinner to McDonald’s or Wal-Mart snack bar every year.
7. When shopping for groceries,you don’t buy it unless you have a coupon or it’s on sale.
8. You discreetly steal(without getting caught) every chance you get. [ okay, that’s worse than a cheapskate… unless you’re stealing extra ketchup packets–then that’s just sad ]
9. You live in a house built in 1954 and it hasn’t been remodeled since then.
10. You have a bumper sticker that says,”My Other Car Is A Piece Of Shit Too.” and it’s true.
11. You can’t remember the last time you donated to a good cause.
12. You’re not even sure if there was a FIRST time you donated to a good cause.
13. You do not drink alcohol unless it’s open bar.
14. You say you only have 2 bucks when in reality there is 200 bucks in your wallet.
15. You ALWAYS drink water when you go to a restaurant. (unless you think someone else is going to pick up the tab… Then, you order the most expensive beverage they have. )
16. You usually take a bag of chips to covered dish picnics you get invited to.
17. Every year, getting a Christmas tree involves going into isolated woods.
18. You are a smoker and you bum more cigarettes than you buy your own.
19. Your wife’s most common phrase at your home is,”It’s probably broken like everything else around this place!”
20. Your kids get penny candy for Easter every year… from penny-operated gumball machines.

You might be a cat lover if…

You might be a cat lover if…
–You laugh or say, “Oh, aren’t you clever,” when your cats misbehave.
–Your cat’s picture is your wallpaper on your computer at work.
–You get into discussions with people about whose cat(s) are smarter/funnier/cuter. . .
–including your boss and your mother.
–You choose your music based on what your cats like. (I love hard rock and metal but never listen to it at home because my cats hate it.)
–You have ever posted to the Bad Kitty or Bad Human lists.
–The only meat in your house is in your cats’ food.
–If you get flowers from a guy, you hide them even before you see the cat looking hungrily at them.
–You have ever taken an entire roll of film just of your cats.
*If something furry at your feet in the shower doesn’t bother you (yes, my cat LOVES the shower!)
*If you have a towel in your bathroom for the cats
*If your Mom shows everyone pictures of her “grandkitties”
*If your parents are happy that the only grandchildren they have wear a permanate fur coat
*If you pick clothes and furniture based on what doesn’t show white fur
*If the $100 you spent on the Littermaid could possibly be your best investment
*If you own multiple lint rollars yet only use them for guests or really important outfits

You might be a Canadian if…

You might be a Canadian if…

You’re not offended by the term “HOMO MILK”.

You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette, i just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.”

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.

You drink pop, not soda.

You know that a mickey and 24’s mean, “Party at the camp, eh!!”

You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.

You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.

You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.

You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.

You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee and many more, are Canadians.

You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.

You design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed”.

Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.

You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter and road work.

You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.

You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”.

You perk up when you hear the theme song from “Hockey Night in Canada”.

You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.

“Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite then “Huh?”.

… And this is a simple joke.. no need to flame how non-superior Americans are.

1.You know all the words to “If I had a million dollars” by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed
2.You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly.”
3.You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.
4.You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.

5.You participate in Participaction!

6.Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
7.You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color.
8.You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
9.You think -10 C (14F) is mild weather.
10.You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
11.You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky
12.You can drink legally while still a teen.
13.You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14.You know that Mounties “don’t always look like that
15.You know what a toque is.
16.You know Toronto is not a province.
17.You never miss “Coaches Corner.”
18.Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favorites food groups.
19.You actually read, not scanned this list

You might be a Buffy Junkie if…

You might be a buffy junkie if…
# Own a full set of at least one season of Buffy cards
# Are always relating everyday situations back to a Buffy episode
# Can describe in full detail the relationship between Buffy and Spike from beginning to end
# Know what the heck Drusilla is talking about
# Squeeled with delight when Buffy and Angel first kissed
# Screamed when Oz left
# Hated Veruca’s guts
# Made a summary of every episode including the original unaired pilot
# Have a horrible day until you think of a funny BTVS quote
# Have unlocked everything on Chaos Bleeds (the game)
# don’t drink beer until you remind yourself that Buffy turned into a cavegirl from the beer in the episode “Beer Bad”
# Know the lyrics to all the songs in the musical episode “Once More, With Feeling”
# Rant to yourself about Buffy

Your band might be a sell-out if…

Your band might be a sell-out if…..

1. Music you wrote and recorded is constantly heard on top 40 radio.
2. You see yourself on MTV more than once a week.
3. You have more female fans than male fans.
4. You went to a mall and saw at least one t-shirt advertising for your band.
5. Merchandise advertising for your band isn’t only t-shirts.
6. You saw your picture with your bandmates on the front of Rolling Stone magazine.
7. Nickelodeon and The Disney Channel will even play your videos.
8. You have been asked by more than five companies to do a commercial.
9. You became a millionaire in one year despite the fact you dropped out of high school.
10. You can’t take a leisurely stroll without everybody forming a crowd around you,asking for your autograph.

You might be in the army if…

you might be in the army if…

after your Army boyfriend asks you a question ending with, Hooah??

You talk to your mom and dad and say: roger and negative with each question they ask.

You are discharged from the Army and still drop and push 10 out when you do one little thing wrong.

You make a list of details for your S.O. to do while your gone to work and you inspect his work when you get home.

You are discharged from the Army and still can’t walk straight, meaning you still march around and turn corners funny.

You carry everything in your left hand when you’ve been out for a year.

You deploy and hook up a stereo system in your Hummwv with small speakers and get away with it.

You deploy and your mom sends you bags of M&M’s for your missions to share with your team members.

You are a female and after learning that you can’t look like GI Jane with no hair you still want to shave your head even though its against the Army standards.

You can run faster than most men in your company.

You are discharged from the Army and your best clothes are still your Class A’s.

MRE’s are your favorite food over pizza.

Your favorite thing to do at 0430 is PT.