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You might be a Foursquare addict if…

  • you patronize new places that you have no interest in just because you get more points.
  • you volunteer to go to the mall with your significant other because of the travel bonus for each of the 20 shops you’ll hit.
  • and you’re really hoping for that overshare badge this time.
  • you pull into parking spaces when driving through a park just so you can justify checking in.
  • you’ve checked into places without coming to a full stop in your car.
  • you add places like an immediate care center, a gas station, and a bank. (@safetyguy1656)
  • you volunteer to do a lunch run and encourage people *not* to pick the same location, just so you can get multiple check-ins.
  • you’re the mayor of several grocery stores.
  • …including all the nearby Wal-Marts.
  • …and you really don’t care that no one else ever checks in there.
  • you’re the mayor of a biker bar, despite the fact that you’ve never been able to assert yourself enough to get a drink at the bar.
  • Your Facebook friends who incessantly post Farmville updates have been unfriending you because of incessant location updates.
  • You’ve been denied points for legitimate check-ins because you checked in too frequently.
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You might be from Louisville (KY) if…

  • your “International” airport has only one passenger flight that actually leaves the 48 contiguous U.S. states. (Louisville “would-like-to-be” International Airport)
  • the in-state sports rivalry is paid more attention to than the national championship.
  • you live in an area that occasionally gets considerable snowfalls, floods, and tornadoes, but has no capacity to deal with any of the above.
  • you pronounce the name of your city different than anyone else you’ve heard.  (Lullvull, Luavull, Lewisville, Looeyvull…)
  • you sound like a hick to a majority of people outside of Kentucky.
  • you think the rest of the people in Kentucky sound like hicks.
  • when you think “Kentucky” you don’t automatically think horse racing or fried chicken.
  • you ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to “move.”
  • you’ve ever taken a winter coat along on a day that starts out 65 degrees and sunny…   (it might get cold by afternoon)
  • …or you’ve ever shovelled 10+ inches of snow and worn shorts in the same week.
  • you’ve ever experienced a “salt storm” after a two-inch snowfall.  (seriously–there was more salt on the road than there ever was snow…)
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Random thoughts

Yet another e-mail forward:

  • I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  • More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  • I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
  • The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
  • Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  • Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  • How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
  • A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
  • Was learning cursive really necessary?
  • Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
  • My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
  • Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
  • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
  • I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
  • Bad decisions make good stories
  • Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
  • Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
  • If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….
  • You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  • There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
  • I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  • I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
  • While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
  • I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
  • Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  • Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
  • It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
  • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
  • Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
  • My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
  • It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
  • I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
  • I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
  • I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
  • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
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Puns from the Inbox

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker – but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it…..
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

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You might be a biker if…

  • going 4-wheeling means your old lady has her own bike.
  • your gloves don’t have any fingers.
  • you prefer to pee outside.
  • your beer preference is BEER.
  • you treat your leather better than your woman.
  • you wash your bike more than you wash yourself.
  • rock-and-roll is the only kind of music.
  • you think Jack Daniels is your best friend.
  • you ride instead of walk down the aisle.
  • you pass out with a beer in your hand without spilling a drop, and finish drinking it when you wake up in the morning.
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You might be taking the beanie babies thing too far if…

An oldie from the first days of YouMightBe.com…

  • you spend so much money on beanies that you can’t afford beans.
  • you kick out your grandmother so the beanies can have their own room.
  • someone asks you how many kids you have, and you answer, “1030… but some are doubles.” ( SlipStream )
  • whenever McDonalds has Beanies, you run from one McDonalds to another just to get the full set. ( Michele )
  • you hold up the line at McDonald’s for twelve minutes and seventeen seconds arguing with the cashier who says they are of a particular beanie baby.
  • you knock over 5 old people just trying to reach the beanie aisle.
  • you actually consider sleeping with that teenage cashier at McDonalds just so you can get all of the stupid things. (Visitor Submission)
  • if you and your coworkers take turns faking sick so that you can be in line to purchase the newest Beanie Babies… (Trippin’ Daisy)
  • On Beanie Babies day at the ballpark you take 30 kids, pay for all their tickets, and require them to give their Beanie Babies to you after you go through the gate (actually happened). (Japkin)
  • you’ve ever assaulted someone just so you could have first pick of the beanie babies.
  • whenever McDonald’s has them, everyone in the house gets a Happy Meal.
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You might be a bad customer if…

  • you instruct the bartender on how to make a drink because, very loudly, you explain “That’s how they make them at MY country club.” Then you wait to receive your .19 cents in change and don’t tip.
  • you go into a convenience store and buy a pack of gum with a $100 bill then get mad if the cashier can’t give you the right change.
  • you insist that it’s the cashiers job to tell you where the coupon is and have them tear it out for you, then complain to the manager when they don’t comply (and yes this happens almost daily…) ( Sin )
  • you try on the lingerie without any undergarments, and ask the sales associate to give you feedback. (Angela Edwards)
  • you call employees by their first name just because they wear a name tag. ( TiffanyC )
  • you insist that lines don’t pertain to you and proceed to push past everyone else to get to the head of the line, because *you’re* the special one. ( apostrophess )
  • you escort people out of line for having 11 items in the “10 items or less” lane.
  • you walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don’t decide for another 30 minutes.
  • you yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are. ( janicexxwxx )
  • you *return* the coffee because it’s too hot. ( Jorge D )
  • you order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
  • you ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one. (Dave Tibbs)
  • you get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven’t sold one in over 20 years. (Dave Tibbs)
  • if you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20 
  • you have to separate transactions for two 2/$1.00 candy bars (but then how would I know how much they are apiece?)
  • you think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
  • you ask for a bag, big printed receipt, etc, when you feel you have been overcharged for something because you want to get the most out of the company. (Dave Tibbs)
  • You can’t read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you’re right and all the employees are wrong.
  • While standing in front of the huge of TVs, you ask a salesman, “Is this all the TVs you have?” (Melissa R.)
  • You dare ask for a discount at a restaraunt because your kids didn’t like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor (this realy happened) (Melissa R.)
  • you chew out the manager of the local McDonald’s for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
  • you pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)
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You might be a bad cook if…

  • you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. (Geet)

  • you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.

  • the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove. (Marc R)

  • you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled. (Allronix)
  • it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish. (Allronix)
  • your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk. (Allronix)
  • the microwave display reads “TILT!” (Allronix)
  • you open your dishwasher after living in your house for two years and the plastic is still in it.

  • when you BBQ the kids won’t come outside, instead they stand inside the screen door watching you. (Brenda)

  • …three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial. (Brenda)

  • the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire. ( homerunking24@hotmail.com )

  • your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. ( kecia, kecia28@hotmail.com )

  • you make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! (Kecia)

  • your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop. (Lisa)

  • you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.

  • your food melts plastic and silverware. ( phyr@jlink.net )
  • the dog goes to the neighbors’ to eat.
  • all your baked goods have the names “asphalt” or “Hockey puck.”
  • you’ve ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli.
  • if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern. (Justin)
  • there are bones in your toast. (Amon-Ra)
  • all you cook seems to be left overs. (Amon-Ra)

  • the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett’s biscuits over yours. ( S. Hammond)

  • the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. ( S. Hammond )

  • your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren. ( S. Hammond )

  • those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy christmas cookies. ( S. Hammond )

  • you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won’t let go of the pan! ( S. Hammond )

  • you’ve ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. ( S. Hammond )

  • you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heatwave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. ( S. Hammond )

  • the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red ‘biohazard’ symbols. ( S. Hammond )

  • you refer to flour moth larvae as ‘a little extra free protein.’ ( S. Hammond )

  • anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yougurt. ( S. Hammond )

  • your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like. ( S. Hammond )

  • you tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it ‘is good for them.’ ( S. Hammond )

  • if you avoid the hassle of having to ever reseason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for ‘flavor.’ (Remember that Star Trek episode, ‘Mudd’s Women’?) ( S. Hammond )

  • you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
  • there’s no such thing as an unusable leftover. ( S. Hammond )

  • you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. (Scott Smith)

  • you really have messed up a salad.

  • the family pets are no where to be found during dinner

  • around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.

  • you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.
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You might be an AOL newbie if…

  • you can’t surf without a keyword.
  • you expect family friendly chat in every chat room.
  • you’re spending almost as much for dial-up service as some people pay for a cable modem service.
  • you don’t know how to use the at-sign to address e-mail.
  • you think everyone who accesses the internet has AOL.