You Might be Drunk if…

  • you wake up drssed as a woman and think, “hey, I look alright.!”
  • you walk into the house saying “Home Honey, I’m High”
  • you lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  • you wake up in the bedroom fully clothed, except for your underwear, which you strangly find in the bathroom.
  • you go into any bar in town and they have a bar stool with you name engraved on the back.
  • you wake up in the middle of the night, pee in a beer bottle, and then the next morning wake up take a drink and exclaim, “This beer is stale!”
  • every night, your roommate’s cat gets more and more attractive.
  • when you walk in, the whole bar says hello.
  • you think beer is the elusive 6th food group.
  • your only conversations with God are over a commode pleading “just help me stop puking and I’ll NEVER drink again!”
  • you wake up and find a loaf of unsliced bread with bites missing next to your bed!
  • you’re as jober as a sudge.
  • you throw a rock at the ground and miss.
  • you can trip over a cordless phone.
  • you get out of bed and miss the floor.
  • you think that the floor always slants when you stand up.
  • you think your best date is the bartender because you see her more than one night.
  • you think that the way to prononce your name actually involves a blech.
  • you never need a family reunion, you started drinking at the same bar as your family.
  • you think your dinner is made out of the bloody mary vegtables.
  • you wake up in the morning and can’t figure out how you got home, and then realize that you are not at home.
  • your slogan is “Save Water, Drink Beer”.
  • the yellow couch you’ve been lying on turns out to be the curb.
  • people didn’t know you drank till you sobered up once
  • you keep trying to order a bouble durban
  • you try to change a light bulb by holding onto it and letting the room spin
  • doctors find traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  • you have to grab onto your lawn to keep from falling off the world.
  • you find yourself inside a bus shelter and can’t get out.
  • you puke on a moth then weep for hours cause you killed it.
  • you have so much trouble aiming that you hit the other objects in the bathroom more than the toilet…
  • …especially if you manage to hit the ceiling.
  • there is only one very large woman in the bar, and she just happens to be the woman of your dreams.
  • your bed is flying through your bedroom and you have to wait for it to pass so you can jump in. ( How come everyone out there is nodding their heads???
  • the walls have grown fluorescent lights.
  • your bed feels remarkably similar to the tarmac on a car park.
  • you bark at the cat.
  • you crash on the bed, get up three hours later–take a long walk to the “bathroom” and later suspect that the dog has relieved himself in your room.
  • you think the TV is a urinal.
  • you think that everyone out on the freeway wants to hear your rendition of “See me, Feel me” from Tommy.
  • you can take a group shower in mixed company without any regrets or incidents.
  • Dead.Juice

    Aww man this was great. Loved it.