You Might be Drunk if…

  • you wake up drssed as a woman and think, “hey, I look alright.!”
  • you walk into the house saying “Home Honey, I’m High”
  • you lose arguments with inanimate objects.
  • you wake up in the bedroom fully clothed, except for your underwear, which you strangly find in the bathroom.
  • you go into any bar in town and they have a bar stool with you name engraved on the back.
  • you wake up in the middle of the night, pee in a beer bottle, and then the next morning wake up take a drink and exclaim, “This beer is stale!”
  • every night, your roommate’s cat gets more and more attractive.
  • when you walk in, the whole bar says hello.
  • you think beer is the elusive 6th food group.
  • your only conversations with God are over a commode pleading “just help me stop puking and I’ll NEVER drink again!”
  • you wake up and find a loaf of unsliced bread with bites missing next to your bed!
  • you’re as jober as a sudge.
  • you throw a rock at the ground and miss.
  • you can trip over a cordless phone.
  • you get out of bed and miss the floor.
  • you think that the floor always slants when you stand up.
  • you think your best date is the bartender because you see her more than one night.
  • you think that the way to prononce your name actually involves a blech.
  • you never need a family reunion, you started drinking at the same bar as your family.
  • you think your dinner is made out of the bloody mary vegtables.
  • you wake up in the morning and can’t figure out how you got home, and then realize that you are not at home.
  • your slogan is “Save Water, Drink Beer”.
  • the yellow couch you’ve been lying on turns out to be the curb.
  • people didn’t know you drank till you sobered up once
  • you keep trying to order a bouble durban
  • you try to change a light bulb by holding onto it and letting the room spin
  • doctors find traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
  • you have to grab onto your lawn to keep from falling off the world.
  • you find yourself inside a bus shelter and can’t get out.
  • you puke on a moth then weep for hours cause you killed it.
  • you have so much trouble aiming that you hit the other objects in the bathroom more than the toilet…
  • …especially if you manage to hit the ceiling.
  • there is only one very large woman in the bar, and she just happens to be the woman of your dreams.
  • your bed is flying through your bedroom and you have to wait for it to pass so you can jump in. ( How come everyone out there is nodding their heads???
  • the walls have grown fluorescent lights.
  • your bed feels remarkably similar to the tarmac on a car park.
  • you bark at the cat.
  • you crash on the bed, get up three hours later–take a long walk to the “bathroom” and later suspect that the dog has relieved himself in your room.
  • you think the TV is a urinal.
  • you think that everyone out on the freeway wants to hear your rendition of “See me, Feel me” from Tommy.
  • you can take a group shower in mixed company without any regrets or incidents.

Drunk needs a push

  A man, and his wife are awakened at 3  o’clock in the morning byÂ
 loud pounding on the  door.Â

  The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken  stranger,
  standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a  push.

  “Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3 o’clock in the Â

  He slams the door and returns to  bed.Â

  “Who was that?” asked his  wife.

  “Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he  answers.Â

  “Did you help him?” she  asks.Â

   “No, I did not! It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring
   out there!”Â
  Well, you have a short memory,” says  his wife. “Can’t you
  remember about three months ago when we  broke down and

   those two guys helped  us? I think you should help him, and Â

   you should be ashamed of yourself!”Â

  The man does as he  is told, gets dressed, and goes out into theÂ
  pounding rain. He  calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”Â

   Yes” comes back the answer.

  Do you still need a push?” calls out  the husband.Â

  Yes, Please!” comes the reply from the  dark.Â

  Where are you?” asks the husband.Â

   “Over here on the swing!” replies the drunkÂ