Musician Jokes

What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
What’s the last thing a drummer says to his band members?
“Hey guys I wrote a song!”
What’s the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
How can you tell when there’s a lead singer knocking at your door?
He doesn’t know when to come in.
How many female singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One…she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four…one to do it and three to bitch because it’s electric.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
What did the Deadhead say after the drugs wore off?
Who plays with musicians?
How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth at once.
What is the definition of an optimist?
A trombone player with a beeper.
The quote you will never hear.
There goes the trombone player in his new Porsche.
A trombone player and a frog pass each other on the street. What is the
difference between the two?
The frog is probably on his way to a gig.
A musician dies and goes to Hell. He gets down there and, to his amazement,
there is a wailing band just a-cookin’. He listens a while and then is
asked to get up and jam.
He does so and is having a blast. He is having the BEST time. After about
three hours he begins to get a little tired and turns to the cat next to
him and whispers, When do we take a break?
Another musician dies and goes to Heaven.
St. Peter says, So…you’re a musician. Well we’ve got a pretty good band
up here ourselves. Let me show you.
The musician is ushered to a place where a wailing band is playing. He is
flabbergasted. On guitar is Jimi Hendrix, on bass, Jaco Pastorius, drums,
Buddy Rich, Dizzy Gillespie is blowing on the trumpet, Charlie Parker on
sax, and Duke Ellington on piano.
The musician says, Wow…this is great!
St. Peter says, There’s just one problem…God’s got a girlfriend he thinks
can sing.
Q: What’s a half step?
A: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
Q: What’s the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato.
A2: The exhaust.
Q: Why don’t sax players like playing soprano?
A: There’s no place to hide your drugs.
How can you tell if a roadie is dead?
The doughnut falls out of his hand.
What does New Age music sound like backwards?
New Age music.
Why are drummer jokes all one-liners?
So the bass players can understand them.