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You might be a runner if…

  • the pain of not running is greater than the pain of running.
  • you actually read a novel about running… and its sequel.

Inspired by:

http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545

…your toenails are black.
…your shoes have more miles on them than your car does.
…you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper.
…you have chafing in strange places.
…people say, “You run three miles…at once?”
…all your socks are either stained or torn.
…your underwear covers more than your uniform shorts.
…you run farther in a week than your bus travels for meets.
…the dogs have to hurry to keep up.
…you find yourself running between classes just because.
…the most enjoyable time you’ve had all month is a day off from practice.
…your coach won’t give you a ride home.
…the first day of practice you run 5 miles but your coach says you only ran 2.
…you can spit while running.
…you go to a golf course to run.
…your friends go on the elevator and you beat them on the stairs.
…you finish the race looking like you wrestled a bear and you don’t care.
…your temper is shorter that the distance that you ran.
…you’d rather run to school than drive.
…you combine phrases like “10 mile run” and “Easy Run” in the same breath.
…you can eat your weight in spaghetti.
…your highest heels are your training shoes.
…you debate the advantages of anti-perspirent vs. deoderant.
…the paint from the bathroom walls peels when you leave.
…you start the race in shorts and finish in a G-string.
…your spit strings from you chin and you don’t even care.
…a meal involves more than 3 servings!
…if you schedule dates around meets.
…you spend more on training clothes than school clothes.
…you wear those same training clothes to school regularly.
…your christmas list includes more than one pair of running shoes.
…you’ve been to a golf course in every city but not to play golf.
…your entire family goes to X-C meets because they have been or will be on the team.
…your chest is as flat as your back.
…you feel lost without your water-bottle.
…you have running withdrawl if you don’t run everyday.
…you eat spaghetti three times a day.
…the mile in P.E. becomes your warm-up.
…you wake up every morning in pain.
…gatorade is your drug of choice.
…you give up homecoming to go to a Meet.
…your Saturdays for the next 4 years are ruined.
…you can see your ribs thru your shirt.
…you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
…you were asked to be an extra for Schindler’s List II.
…you enjoy running hills.
…you start to crave Power Bars.
…your favorite food group is carbohydrates.
…your women’s team has leg hair longer than the grass they ran on.
…you can strip and change in a bus seat in less than 2 minutes.
…you don’t puke your first day of basketball practice.
…there are no flies by your gym locker.
…people think it’s a winter sport.
…you have trouble benching the bar.
…when you do bad you get to play longer.
…you find yourself in the middle of a football player’s joke.
…your dessert is brussel sprouts.
…you foam at the mouth.
…you are always hungry.
…your running in your dreams.
…you have no life besides running.
…your weekends are shot.
…you wake up with cotton mouth.
…your are as skinny as a twig and have a stupid knit cap for the head.
…you can sharpen an axe blade on your calves.
…the cafeteria ladies look good in the morning.
…you can maintain a 5:30 pace uphill while throwing up.
…you think track is for wussies.
…you try to impress girls by saying you’re a fast finisher.
…you consider school as just a break between runs.
…you always stretch while waiting in the lunch line.
…your room smells like Icy-Hot and New-Skin.
…you are bankrolling your physical therapist’s next vacation.
…your girlfriend can bench more than you.
…you can count all your ribs.
…you own spandex in more than 1 color.
…track is the other “sport”.
…you foam at the mouth everytime you see a big hill.
…”Chariots of Fire” is actually entertaining to you.
…a 12 mile run is an easy day.
…pizza, pasta, pizza, & pasta are your four food groups.
…your watch is more expensive and complicated than your car.
…even your dress shoes have spikes.
…Runner’s World provides more pin-ups than Playboy (YEAH SUZY HAMILTON!!!)
…Steve Prefontaine’s Birthday is more important than yours.
…you aspire to pain.
…you know as many kinds of pain as eskimos have words for snow.
…you think spandex is a winter’s passion statement.
…you never look behind you.
…you don’t know what an “off-season” means.
…you have stress fractures.
…you find yourself saying, “it’s not really a hill…”
…you hit targets with your snot rocket.
…your feet are comparable to rawhide.
…you’re running and you don’t know why.
…you see a hill on a putting green.
…your friends refer to you as “the masochist”.
…your spit hits everything but the ground.
…you drink more water than Free Willy
…you can’t get the “All you can eat” at spaghetti restaurants
…you get pulled over after practice, and can’t walk straight because you’re so tired
…you ran sub 5 on the P.E. mile run
…you wore spikes on the P.E. mile run
…you did a 30 minute warm up for the P.E. mile run
…you did all of the above for the P.E. mile run
…you routinely race dogs down the street…and win.
…dogs follow you everywhere you go
…you rabbit for the rabbit
…you have 3% or less body fat
…you laugh at sprinters while they run
…theres nothing like intervals to start the week off fresh!!
…you talk to your coaches more than your parents
…you’d rather run than watch T.V.
…watching the New York Marathon on T.V. made you get up and go for a run
…you can say “I like to run” in over five different languages
…more than half the people you know don’t know what X-C is
…you run the day after State
…off-season training starts a week after State
…you haven’t had a pop in 6 months
…your calves are bigger than your biceps
…your cookie jar is filled with bagels
…there are more miles on your running shoes than the odeometer of your car
…you try to pick up a girl by telling her how fast your first mile is
…you’re toe nails are fallen off
…a fatman with a gun says alright gentlemen take em off
…you can’t go a day without some little brat saying run forest run
…some little kid wants to know why you’re running in your underwear
…you can pronounce those funny Kenyan names
…you’re proud that another team has quadrupled you’re score
…the seniors assist the freshman into the lake
…you wear skimpier clothes than Madonna
…you refer to puke as a normal bodily function
…people always ask you what events you are running
…you can hallucinate and get high at the same time without taking anything
…you can say more names of your runs than names of your friends
…you spend more time thinking about the scoring system than you do about scoring with
the opposite sex
…you always win in your sleep but never in a real race
…you traded in your Gremlin
…you think Lisa Aguilera is hotter than Christina Aguilera.
…you wake up in the morning and find that you’re already running.
…the Ritz is your idol, and not a hotel in New York.

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Musician Jokes

What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
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How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
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What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
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What’s the last thing a drummer says to his band members?
“Hey guys I wrote a song!”
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What’s the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
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What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
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How can you tell when there’s a lead singer knocking at your door?
He doesn’t know when to come in.
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How many female singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One…she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four…one to do it and three to bitch because it’s electric.
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How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
Two…two…two
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What did the Deadhead say after the drugs wore off?
THIS MUSIC SUCKS!
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Who plays with musicians?
Drummers.
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How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth at once.
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What is the definition of an optimist?
A trombone player with a beeper.
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The quote you will never hear.
There goes the trombone player in his new Porsche.
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A trombone player and a frog pass each other on the street. What is the
difference between the two?
The frog is probably on his way to a gig.
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A musician dies and goes to Hell. He gets down there and, to his amazement,
there is a wailing band just a-cookin’. He listens a while and then is
asked to get up and jam.
He does so and is having a blast. He is having the BEST time. After about
three hours he begins to get a little tired and turns to the cat next to
him and whispers, When do we take a break?
————————————————————————
Another musician dies and goes to Heaven.
St. Peter says, So…you’re a musician. Well we’ve got a pretty good band
up here ourselves. Let me show you.
The musician is ushered to a place where a wailing band is playing. He is
flabbergasted. On guitar is Jimi Hendrix, on bass, Jaco Pastorius, drums,
Buddy Rich, Dizzy Gillespie is blowing on the trumpet, Charlie Parker on
sax, and Duke Ellington on piano.
The musician says, Wow…this is great!
St. Peter says, There’s just one problem…God’s got a girlfriend he thinks
can sing.
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Q: What’s a half step?
A: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
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Q: What’s the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato.
A2: The exhaust.
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Q: Why don’t sax players like playing soprano?
A: There’s no place to hide your drugs.
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How can you tell if a roadie is dead?
The doughnut falls out of his hand.
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What does New Age music sound like backwards?
New Age music.
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Why are drummer jokes all one-liners?
So the bass players can understand them.

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Musician Light Bulb Jokes

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, we have machines to do that now.
How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One — he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Changes? Huh?

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IT Light Bulb Jokes

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…
Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine.
Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK.
Now, exactly how dark is it? OK.
There could be four or five things wrong… Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don’t actually fix the problem.
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You’re still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you’d have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office …
Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m., and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider . . .
Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you’ll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don’t expect to see either bulb for a week or so.
Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero, well actually one, the one that tells the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

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Lawyer Light Bulb Jokes

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
Three — one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.


How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer”, and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb”, do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part (“Receptacle”), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable federal, state and local statutes.

Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part (“New Light Bulb”). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the “Partnership.”