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You might be a spammer if…

  • You put tracking/randomization numbers in your subject lines: Cash-flow-74002006
  • Your entire message body is composed of images, without any description text.
  • gmail can’t seem to “preview in html” the pdf you attached.
  • Your sender name includes one of the following words: panel, notice, meds, travel, survey
    • Note: I said SENDER, not subject. A legitimate sender would at least give me a real “from” address.
  • Your e-mail utilizes horribly bad English in ALL CAPS.
  • Your e-mail doesn’t use English at all.
  • Your e-mail doesn’t even use the Latin alphabet (Cyrillic, Chinese, etc… instead)
  • You put the $ sign in the wrong place and use a period for a 1000s separator (10.000$)
  • You specify US for the $ amount.
  • You can’t manage to correctly spell the name of the product you’re selling me.
  • You write in HAX0r
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You might be a bad driver if…

  • you’ve ever offered someone inordinate sums of money for the damage because if the insurance company hears about one more accident…
  • your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asfault in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you.
  • you go to leave the frat party stone sober and your roomate still insists on hiding your kes and calling a cab.
  • people ask you about “the accident”, and you reply, which one?
  • the instructor finally gave up and let YOU teach traffic school. (Mavis)
  • you see a sign that says, “Lane ends 500 FT,” and you manage to drive in the lane for another 1/2 mile.
  • you have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license. (Kealoha)
  • you’ve ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup while on the freeway.
  • you’ve had your license for two months and you’re already an experienced ditch digger.
  • you find yourself trying to beat that old granny before she makes it to the zebra crossing. ( Stu )
  • ….and you always lose, but not before it’s too late. ( Stu )
  • you slow down when coming to green lights…
  • …and speed up on yellow.
  • you hit a tree and your brother tells you your getting rusty cause you missed the center of the car by a fraction of an inch. (Lee)
  • you take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering whell to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway. (Lisa)
  • you rear end someone at a stop light and then jump out screaming, “Whip lash!!!” (Lisa)
  • you use your knees for steering more than your hands.
  • the police department knows your plate number by heart.
  • the police carry separate tickets with your information filled out already.
  • you think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion (Amon-Ra)
  • you’ve ever asked anyone what a raised finger means because “I get that all the time.”
  • you replace your airbag more often than your oil.
  • you walk into traffic court and everyone shouts out your name.
  • you get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone sober. (Ken McKinney)
  • you think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump, thump. It’s actually just you clipping the orange and white barrels. (Ken McKinney)
  • Curb? What curb? (Ken McKinney)
  • you are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit a light pole. (Ken McKinney)
  • you stop on an on ramp and wait for “enough room”. (Ken McKinney)
  • you have ever hit the car in front of you while YOU were trying to back up. (Ken McKinney)
  • you tell your passenger what a good driver you are as you turn into a ditch. 
  • you swerve to miss a tree… and it’s your air freshener. (Scott)
  • all anyone can see when you drive is your knuckles. (Visitor submission)
  • your turn sign signal is always blinking in the direction opposite to the one you’re turning.
  • you drive 90 MPH in bumper to bumper traffic and always pass on the right (Colonel)
  • you think the signal switch is something that just gets in your way whenever you reach for your coffee.
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(More) You might be a band geek if…

…one time, you went to band camp and came back with a girlfriend.

…you actually like wearing your marching uniform.

…you have your band director on speed dial.

…you have your band director as an emergency contact. (…but what if you’re at band camp??)

…you have your high band teacher’s home AND cell numbers on speed dial.

…you name your instrument.

…you cried when you found out you couldn’t be in band.

…you tell your friends its a band thing and they understand.

…you’ve dated everyone in the band and wonder if you’ll ever have another date again.

…you think Louie Louie is the best song ever.

…playing star down with the drum major isn’t fun anymore.

…you direct the songs on the radio.

…you know (from experience) that the band director is always right.

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You might be a runner if…

  • the pain of not running is greater than the pain of running.
  • you actually read a novel about running… and its sequel.

Inspired by:

http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545

…your toenails are black.
…your shoes have more miles on them than your car does.
…you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper.
…you have chafing in strange places.
…people say, “You run three miles…at once?”
…all your socks are either stained or torn.
…your underwear covers more than your uniform shorts.
…you run farther in a week than your bus travels for meets.
…the dogs have to hurry to keep up.
…you find yourself running between classes just because.
…the most enjoyable time you’ve had all month is a day off from practice.
…your coach won’t give you a ride home.
…the first day of practice you run 5 miles but your coach says you only ran 2.
…you can spit while running.
…you go to a golf course to run.
…your friends go on the elevator and you beat them on the stairs.
…you finish the race looking like you wrestled a bear and you don’t care.
…your temper is shorter that the distance that you ran.
…you’d rather run to school than drive.
…you combine phrases like “10 mile run” and “Easy Run” in the same breath.
…you can eat your weight in spaghetti.
…your highest heels are your training shoes.
…you debate the advantages of anti-perspirent vs. deoderant.
…the paint from the bathroom walls peels when you leave.
…you start the race in shorts and finish in a G-string.
…your spit strings from you chin and you don’t even care.
…a meal involves more than 3 servings!
…if you schedule dates around meets.
…you spend more on training clothes than school clothes.
…you wear those same training clothes to school regularly.
…your christmas list includes more than one pair of running shoes.
…you’ve been to a golf course in every city but not to play golf.
…your entire family goes to X-C meets because they have been or will be on the team.
…your chest is as flat as your back.
…you feel lost without your water-bottle.
…you have running withdrawl if you don’t run everyday.
…you eat spaghetti three times a day.
…the mile in P.E. becomes your warm-up.
…you wake up every morning in pain.
…gatorade is your drug of choice.
…you give up homecoming to go to a Meet.
…your Saturdays for the next 4 years are ruined.
…you can see your ribs thru your shirt.
…you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
…you were asked to be an extra for Schindler’s List II.
…you enjoy running hills.
…you start to crave Power Bars.
…your favorite food group is carbohydrates.
…your women’s team has leg hair longer than the grass they ran on.
…you can strip and change in a bus seat in less than 2 minutes.
…you don’t puke your first day of basketball practice.
…there are no flies by your gym locker.
…people think it’s a winter sport.
…you have trouble benching the bar.
…when you do bad you get to play longer.
…you find yourself in the middle of a football player’s joke.
…your dessert is brussel sprouts.
…you foam at the mouth.
…you are always hungry.
…your running in your dreams.
…you have no life besides running.
…your weekends are shot.
…you wake up with cotton mouth.
…your are as skinny as a twig and have a stupid knit cap for the head.
…you can sharpen an axe blade on your calves.
…the cafeteria ladies look good in the morning.
…you can maintain a 5:30 pace uphill while throwing up.
…you think track is for wussies.
…you try to impress girls by saying you’re a fast finisher.
…you consider school as just a break between runs.
…you always stretch while waiting in the lunch line.
…your room smells like Icy-Hot and New-Skin.
…you are bankrolling your physical therapist’s next vacation.
…your girlfriend can bench more than you.
…you can count all your ribs.
…you own spandex in more than 1 color.
…track is the other “sport”.
…you foam at the mouth everytime you see a big hill.
…”Chariots of Fire” is actually entertaining to you.
…a 12 mile run is an easy day.
…pizza, pasta, pizza, & pasta are your four food groups.
…your watch is more expensive and complicated than your car.
…even your dress shoes have spikes.
…Runner’s World provides more pin-ups than Playboy (YEAH SUZY HAMILTON!!!)
…Steve Prefontaine’s Birthday is more important than yours.
…you aspire to pain.
…you know as many kinds of pain as eskimos have words for snow.
…you think spandex is a winter’s passion statement.
…you never look behind you.
…you don’t know what an “off-season” means.
…you have stress fractures.
…you find yourself saying, “it’s not really a hill…”
…you hit targets with your snot rocket.
…your feet are comparable to rawhide.
…you’re running and you don’t know why.
…you see a hill on a putting green.
…your friends refer to you as “the masochist”.
…your spit hits everything but the ground.
…you drink more water than Free Willy
…you can’t get the “All you can eat” at spaghetti restaurants
…you get pulled over after practice, and can’t walk straight because you’re so tired
…you ran sub 5 on the P.E. mile run
…you wore spikes on the P.E. mile run
…you did a 30 minute warm up for the P.E. mile run
…you did all of the above for the P.E. mile run
…you routinely race dogs down the street…and win.
…dogs follow you everywhere you go
…you rabbit for the rabbit
…you have 3% or less body fat
…you laugh at sprinters while they run
…theres nothing like intervals to start the week off fresh!!
…you talk to your coaches more than your parents
…you’d rather run than watch T.V.
…watching the New York Marathon on T.V. made you get up and go for a run
…you can say “I like to run” in over five different languages
…more than half the people you know don’t know what X-C is
…you run the day after State
…off-season training starts a week after State
…you haven’t had a pop in 6 months
…your calves are bigger than your biceps
…your cookie jar is filled with bagels
…there are more miles on your running shoes than the odeometer of your car
…you try to pick up a girl by telling her how fast your first mile is
…you’re toe nails are fallen off
…a fatman with a gun says alright gentlemen take em off
…you can’t go a day without some little brat saying run forest run
…some little kid wants to know why you’re running in your underwear
…you can pronounce those funny Kenyan names
…you’re proud that another team has quadrupled you’re score
…the seniors assist the freshman into the lake
…you wear skimpier clothes than Madonna
…you refer to puke as a normal bodily function
…people always ask you what events you are running
…you can hallucinate and get high at the same time without taking anything
…you can say more names of your runs than names of your friends
…you spend more time thinking about the scoring system than you do about scoring with
the opposite sex
…you always win in your sleep but never in a real race
…you traded in your Gremlin
…you think Lisa Aguilera is hotter than Christina Aguilera.
…you wake up in the morning and find that you’re already running.
…the Ritz is your idol, and not a hotel in New York.

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Musician Jokes

What’s the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
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How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
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What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
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What’s the last thing a drummer says to his band members?
“Hey guys I wrote a song!”
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What’s the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
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What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
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How can you tell when there’s a lead singer knocking at your door?
He doesn’t know when to come in.
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How many female singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One…she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four…one to do it and three to bitch because it’s electric.
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How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
Two…two…two
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What did the Deadhead say after the drugs wore off?
THIS MUSIC SUCKS!
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Who plays with musicians?
Drummers.
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How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth at once.
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What is the definition of an optimist?
A trombone player with a beeper.
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The quote you will never hear.
There goes the trombone player in his new Porsche.
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A trombone player and a frog pass each other on the street. What is the
difference between the two?
The frog is probably on his way to a gig.
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A musician dies and goes to Hell. He gets down there and, to his amazement,
there is a wailing band just a-cookin’. He listens a while and then is
asked to get up and jam.
He does so and is having a blast. He is having the BEST time. After about
three hours he begins to get a little tired and turns to the cat next to
him and whispers, When do we take a break?
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Another musician dies and goes to Heaven.
St. Peter says, So…you’re a musician. Well we’ve got a pretty good band
up here ourselves. Let me show you.
The musician is ushered to a place where a wailing band is playing. He is
flabbergasted. On guitar is Jimi Hendrix, on bass, Jaco Pastorius, drums,
Buddy Rich, Dizzy Gillespie is blowing on the trumpet, Charlie Parker on
sax, and Duke Ellington on piano.
The musician says, Wow…this is great!
St. Peter says, There’s just one problem…God’s got a girlfriend he thinks
can sing.
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Q: What’s a half step?
A: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
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Q: What’s the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato.
A2: The exhaust.
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Q: Why don’t sax players like playing soprano?
A: There’s no place to hide your drugs.
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How can you tell if a roadie is dead?
The doughnut falls out of his hand.
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What does New Age music sound like backwards?
New Age music.
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Why are drummer jokes all one-liners?
So the bass players can understand them.