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The Degrees of Happy Birthday

Inspired by:

There are varying degrees of actually caring to greet someone “Happy Birthday”, from lowest to highest:

  1. Facebook: Liking birthday celebrant’s “Thanks for all the birthday wishes”
  2. Facebook: Liking someone else’s birthday greeting.
  3. Facebook wall post: “HBD”
  4. Facebook wall post: “Happy B-day” or other partial abbreviation.
  5. Facebook wall post: “Happy Birthday” (bonus for exclamation points)
  6. Facebook status on your own page: “Happy Birthday {mention person’s name}” (or Twitter public mention)
  7. Text message.
  8. Sending an actual physical card.
  9. Calling the person in real life.

(Numbers 7-9 may vary in order depending on the introverted nature of the person performing the greeting.)

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“Shit Happens” from a Social Media Perspective

In the style of the Shit Happens list:

Foursquare:

  • I am mayor of this toilet.

Twitter:

  • That Mexican food hit me wrong. (Someone who is keen on maintaining their “personal brand”)
  • I need to shit. (Everyone else)

Facebook:

  • The inside joke type:  “The Nope strikes again.” [where your inside crowd nickname for a Mexican place goes in the bold italics.]
    • 3 people “Like” this shit.
  • The vague, but obvious reference:  “Glade Floral Scent rocks.”
  • No apologies: “I Shit”

Tumblr:

  • Whoa…  somebody didn’t flush their shit.  Hey, everybody, check this shit out!

StumbleUpon:

  • Post your toilet and have random people shit in it.

Digg:

  • You:  This shit is awesome.  Others:  I’m going to bury your shit.

LinkedIn:

  • Excellent at making sure I flush my shit.

Quora:

  • Why is there corn in my shit?

See also:

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You might be annoying your Facebook friends if…

  1. You standard response to any emergency is to post its occurrence as your status, then deal with the emergency.
  2. …bonus points if you solicit advice for handling the emergency via Facebook.
  3. You take every “What kind of …. are you?” quiz possible, including the “What kind of chia pet are you??” quiz.  (I’m hope that I’m making that one up.)
  4. You update statuses like a misguided Twitter addict.
  5. You spam all of your friends with app requests so that you can unlock the next level of super pokes.
  6. You keep answering 21 questions about your friends in a paranoid attempt to find out who thinks you would fart in public.
  7. You spend more time playing Farmville than most people spend awake.
  8. You insist on posting inappropriate things that your mom, who is your Facebook friend, feels compelled to respond to.
  9. You’ve friended your disgruntled exes and regularly start awkward passive-aggressive rants about them.
  10. You participate in every “post this as your status if” trend as if there was some “breaking the chain letter” curse for not doing so.
  11. “25 things about me” was way too little information about yourself, so you fill out more lists that require you to tag your friends in your troubling revelations, making them collateral damage.
  12. You rant about how stupid people are in your status, misspelling every other word.
  13. You seem to think that every one of your “friends” would be interested in joining your fringe political movement, and attempt to persuade by derision of those too meek to stand up and join you.
  14. You regularly feel compelled to post things that reveal too much information about things no one wants to know about.  (Hint:  If it came out of your body unexpectedly or happened when you were at least half-naked, the rest of us probably don’t want to know.)