Coffee personalities of the cubicle dweller

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“Who moved my coffee” – Scurries in and out of the break room every five minutes to see if coffee has been made yet.  Moves quickly to avoid being identified as someone who has seen the empty coffee pots and yet not made a pot of coffee.  Related to The person with a phobia of making coffee.

The person with a phobia of making coffee – Leaves 2+ nearly empty pots on active burners after getting coffee, before 9am.  If the coffee maker is already in such a state, will discreetly duck into the bathroom or wait 5 minutes for someone else to make a pot or two.  Sometimes will turn off the burners or pull the filter basket out to “save energy” or hint that someone needs to make coffee.

The busy bee coffee maker – The opposite of the “phobia” person.  Feels compelled to always ensure that all pots are full of fresh coffee.  Will occasionally dump out a 1/2 pot that looks “old” to make this happen.

The dependent decaf drinker – As any dependent coffee drinker, drags self to the coffee maker, desperate for that morning boost, and grabs the DECAF pot.

The cheery decaf drinker – Acts about as cheery as someone who’s had a quad shot of espresso for the first time and walks up for a refill of decaf.

The half and half drinker – Probably uses coffee as an excuse for his half and half habit.  Frozen coffee drinks at major chain stores are usually darker.

The burn off drinker – will drink the mostly evaporated sludge at the bottom of the pot. Sources are unclear whether this is a preference or laziness.

The “save energy because it’s after 10am” coffee drinker – Sometimes this is a cover for a phobia of making coffee.  Other times, this is a reincarnation of your parents or grandparents who chased you around the house turning off everything you turned on.
The 3pm coffee maker – Sometimes gets offended that a bulk of the office population stops drinking coffee after lunch and grumbles about having to make coffee.  Other times, it’s a simple conditioned response from years of drinking coffee at coffee houses after 9 pm.

The tea drinker – Sends coffee drinkers in a panic when lining up for the last cup of coffee, only to use the hot water spout to make tea.

The oatmeal eater who uses a coffee mug – Same effect as the tea drinker, although the motivation seems a little more sinister.

The overpowering flavored coffee brewer – Brews coffee that taints the flavor of every pot brewed the remainder of the day, as well as tainting the air in 5,000 square feet of office space.

Inspired by Ben Thomas’ suggestions:

The procedural purist – Scolds anyone who takes from the pot early or uses the hot water tap on the coffee maker while coffee is brewing.

The accidental barista – Knows that a coffee house would brew at at least twice the coffee-to-water ratio that the pre-measured packs imply, and thusly, uses two packs of coffee per brew.

Some additional late additions

The soup mug coffee drinker – Drinks coffee out of a coffee mug [see Campbell’s Soup Mug].  While this serving size is no different than the 16-20 oz coffee tumbler, the clear advantage to this soup mug is the larger exposed surface area to aid in rapid cooling [as opposed to a tumbler which might be expected to keep the coffee warm for a longer period before the coffee is consumed].

The soda drinker – avoids the coffee area altogether, but sometimes stashes a cold soda in the refrigerator, and therefore, has to navigate the herd of people waiting for the coffee.  Shakes head in amazement at such a dependency on a nasty brown liquid whilst scampering off with own artificially colored/flavored/carbonated water.

The coffee punter – sees an empty pot, sets it on top of the coffee maker to say, “Hey, someone needs to make coffee.”  Walks off.

The absent-minded coffee maker – sees an empty pot on the second burner and a half-full pot on the brewing burner, makes a fresh pot of coffee with the half-full pot underneath. Everything near the coffee maker ends up with a permanent coffee coloring and/or smell.

You might be a coffee snob if…

-you heat the coffee mug before pouring your coffee
-you brew your own coffee at work
-…from fresh ground whole beans
-…stored in a climate and humidity-controlled environment
-…in your own coffee maker
-you refuse to patronize Starbucks since they simplified their daytime brew offering.
-…and you know the name of this blend (Pike Place)
-“fair trade” and “local” refer to flavor more than principles.
-your average cup of brewed coffee costs you more than the average person pays for three pounds of coffee.
-rim staining foam.
-you shudder when you hear someone say “expresso”
-your coffee is roasted in smaller batches than the average grocery store has on their shelves at any given time.
-you have two blade grinders as emergency backup for your burr grinder.
-you have ever used a thermometer when making your coffee.
-you have brewed coffee using methods from more countries than you’ve actually been to. (Turkish, Cuban, French Press, Vietnamese Press…)

You might be a caffeine addict if…

  • you think sleep is for the weak. 
  • you’ve just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o’clock, just so “the milk doesn’t go bad over the weekend” (Naz)
  • you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
  • you have a website about caffeine
  • you’re on a first name basis with Juan Valdez ( Bruce Campbell)
  • your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
  • your heart rate is always in triple digits.
  • you know from experience caffeine tablets don’t dissolve in cola. ( Tony Hall )
  • you wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
  • you can name the five flavors of JOLT.
  • you have a mini-fridge under your desk… and a catheter. ( Daryl Banttari )
  • you drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.
  • you ask, “Sleep? What’s that?”
  • you go to the doctor because you’re afraid there might be blood in your Mountain Dew stream. (Becky)
  • every coffee company wants to have your picture on their packs of coffee powder.
  • your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won’t shut anymore.
  • your wife asked you to buy milk, bread and butter and you heard “buy coffee, coffee and coffee.”
  • your slogan is “Save water, drink coffee.”
  • your child’s name is Nescafe.
  • Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
  • Starbucks has decided to use you as their official’ve ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
  • you regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. ( Zoe )
  • you have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands “JOLT” and “COLA” ( Zoe )
  • your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
  • you go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
  • your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
  • you’ve ever used the airplane’s Call button just to get a coffee refill.
  • you’ve ever knelt and prayed before a Starbuck’s logo.
  • your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.
  • you can’t remember the last time you blinked. (Ken McKinney)
  • you have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee. (Ken McKinney)
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  • you have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent. (Ken McKinney)
  • you have dark brown colored hair but you are a natural blonde and have never dyed it. (Ken McKinney)
  • the dishes in your house are all coffee cups. (Ken McKinney)
  • your dog’s name is Folgers. (Ken McKinney)
  • you see nothing wrong with using water joe (the caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
  • you believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep (Psycho Dragon)
  • it’s 6:09 AM and you’re on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
  • you have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
  • you’d rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning.  (Caffeine withdrawal is a real headache.)
  • you’ve given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can’t make it 40 days without caffeine.
  • you’ve given up sex, TV, and all forms of meat for Lent before, but STILL can’t make it 40 days without caffeine.
  • you could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
  • you suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.
  • you dip espresso beans.