• you can’t surf without a keyword.
• you expect family friendly chat in every chat room.
• you’re spending almost as much for dial-up service as some people pay for a cable modem service.
• you don’t know how to use the at-sign to address e-mail.
• you think everyone who accesses the internet has AOL.

• You might be a runner if... http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper. ...you have chafing in strange places. ...people say, "You run three miles...at once?" ...all your socks are either stained or torn. ...your......
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• You might be an accountant if... your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card. you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3. you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses" at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation. you decide to change your name to a......
• Diary of an AOL User One of my favorites from long ago. July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it's the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me another. I can't connect. I......
• You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......

• Links: Attack of Actress Amy Adams and E-mail Edition I don't know what it is about this weekend, but Amy Adams is invading my wife and my lives this weekend. Friday night, we went to the local DVD Play in an attempt to rent Juno. Since it's so new we had to settle for a back-up. The only movie......
• Is RSS E-Mail 2.0 a Ripoff? Recently, I tested Pawan Agrawal's RSS E-mail 2.0 to see if it lived up to the hype I read on the sales page.  As you may know by now, after 20 years in the direct-marketing industry, I've experienced my share of hype and ripoffs... Following is my personal, unbiased review......
• easy ways to make money - The Info One Should Learn Earning money is one of the primary needs for people. Everybody have to support themselves and their families, spend money on various things of comfort, clothes, food, vacations, as well as pay the bills. So, more people look for new sources of income. One of such new sources is the......
• Keeping Shopping Costs Down By Bringing A Calculator Along One of the things I have started doing is taking my calculator with me when I go to the store.  I've found that keeping a running dollar total of the items in my cart helps me to determine if an item is a "want" or a "need".  Do I really need......
• Easy themes your blog carnival Adding a theme to your carnival doesn't have to be difficult.  It can be as easy as looking around you and searching Wikipedia. Interspersing a few interesting facts about a timely topic, regardless of whether that topic is closely tied to the particular blog carnival, dresses it up substantially.  It's......

One of my favorites from long ago.

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it’s the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it in case they don’t ever send me another. I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn’t work. I can’t get online.
July 25 That kid next door hooked up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.
July 27 The kid showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone?
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online, not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard?
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTERS MAKER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT’S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, I WANT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT, BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN’T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. JEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. JEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.  WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it?  Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.
August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.  I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

• You might be a bachelor if... *  you eat frozen pizza without microwaving it. ( you can cook those things? ) * you use a stapler to adjust the length of your trousers. ( Bert van Viegen, viegen ) * you get your furniture out of the clean up pile and then brag about how it......
• If operating systems ran your car. Posted to: alt.folklore.computers From: David Zykin Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. Windows:  You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is......
• You might be a bad cook if... you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. (Geet) you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water. the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove. (Marc R) you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside......
• You might be a band geek if... during concert season you wish you where out on the field. ( Jennie *Goober* ) you can be found before school, at lunch, and after school down in front of the band room with all the other band members. ( Jennie *Goober* ) you spend more time in the......
• Operating Systems for Your Brain If your brain required an operating system like your computer does, what would it be like? Windows for brains: You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a "general ......

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• Dear Diary - I Must Find Younger Friends! Dear Diary Dorrie is at it again, fiercely updating her diary. If you happened to read her two earlier entries titled - Dear Diary 'What Year Is It' - and Dear Diary 'Please Be Careful' and you enjoyed them, then you will just love this one - ...enjoy!! Dear......
• FOTD AL lips and eyes It's been a while since I've done a FOTD, just lazy I guess! This is one of my favorite color combinations. I keep the two shades together so I don't forget how nicely they go together. But I had forgotten how I had worn them the last time, because it......
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• Are You a Broke College Student? Get a Dirty Job... I Did! One of my favorite shows over the past few years has been The Discovery Channel hit series - Dirty Jobs. Mike Rowe (plus a crew of brave cameramen) pick a few disgusting and/or labor intensive jobs each week that no one ever hears about, and humorously attempts to perform those......