You Might be a Michigander if...

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Originally published by Todd E Van Hoosear (vanhoose@lalaland.cl.msu.edu), Michigan State University, posted 1 Jul 1996, with credited additions from Bob Kazanowski, Carole Wiseman, Mack King, and Frank Webster at http://mlss15.cl.msu.edu/~vanhoose/humor/0487.html. Retrieved from the Wayback Machine archive (captured 2002-12-04) and reproduced here for archival purposes -- credit for the jokes belongs to the original author, not youmightbe.com.

Editor's notes from the original mailing-list archive page: "Thanks to Chuck Henrich for forwarding this one. Kolyan Das Gupta and I have made a few additions... Thanks to some exploration by Bob Talbert of the Detroit Free Press, I think we've found the author of at least a significant portion of this work: BOB KAZANOWSKI of Walled Lake, owner of Key Largo in Walled Lake and Mason's Bar and Grill in Livonia, wrote a letter early in the summer of 1996 to some friends who had just moved away that included many of these lines. Today, Bob Talbert had some more additions to the list, contributed by Carole Wiseman, owner of some Quickie Printing stores in Birmingham and Detroit, Mack King of Brighton, and Frank Webster of Detroit. -- Todd"

You Might be a Michigander if...

...you define Summer as three months of bad sledding.
...your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.
...your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!).
...snow tires come standard on all your cars.
...at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
...you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
...you can identify an Ohio accent.
...owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.
...you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
...you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder.
...you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
...you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.
...someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
..."Down South" to you means Toledo.
...you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.
...octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.
...traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
...you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "loopers".
...the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Caesar's and Hungry Howie's.
...a Big Mac is something you can drive across.
...you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.
...you had to get a passport and shots to go to Ohio.
...you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.
...your kid's baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out.
...the trees in your backyard have spigots.
...you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.
...you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".
...you know what a pastie is.
...you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
...your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus.
...you have a favorite hockey team.
...you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's.
...you know what a Vernor's is.
...you know how to play Euchre.
...you know how to pronounce Euchre.
...you see nothing wrong with watching fireworks in Detroit on July 2nd.
...you find yourself incapable of throwing cans and bottles away when you are in another state.
...you use the term "party store" to describe a store where you buy snacks, beer and liquor.
...you know how to pronounce Sault Ste. Marie.
...you get excited about turning 19.
...you or your child has ever watched Sesame Street in French.
...you've used the term "Yooper."
...you've heard the band "Da Yoopers."
...you've ever told someone that your move to Alpena was a move to "a big city."
...you've totaled more than three cars bagging a deer.
...you met your spouse in a bowling alley.
...you can't understand why the government feels threatened by the Freemen.
...Paradise and Climax are not states but towns to you.
...Kazoo is not a toy, but a town (who actually calls it Kalamazoo anyway?).
...you refer to Ann Arbor as A2.
..."The Haven" is another term for Grand Haven, "Nasty Hatchet" for Bad Axe, and "Hazeltucky" for Hazel Park.
...Big Beaver is a road, not an animal.
...you call Lake Michigan the West Coast.
...you quote Sonny Elliot.
...a sunny day qualifies as a holiday.
...you know what city Birmingham Chrysler-Plymouth is in.
...you recognize these people by one name: J.P., Sonny, Soupy, Coleman, Rosa, Mitch, Mort, Eli, Sparky, Bo, Barry, Stevie, Gordie.
...you can really, honestly say that you've been to Hell and back.