YouMightBe.com

You might be a Buffy watcher if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you announce to the entire office, "It's Buffy night," each Tuesday.
you've joined the "Buffy Bringers" (a website starting a campaign against FOX's attack on Buffy fansites.)
you refuse to walk around after dark without a wooden cross and a stake named "Mr. Pointy." (Jamie)
you went to see American Pie just to see Willow.
you start referring to men as "Mr. Studdly". (Lisa)
you own a full set of at least one season of Buffy cards
you are always relating everyday situations back to a Buffy episode
you can describe in full detail the relationship between Buffy and Spike from beginning to end
you know what the heck Drusilla is talking about
you squeeled with delight when Buffy and Angel first kissed
you screamed when Oz left
you hated Veruca's guts
you made a summary of every episode including the original unaired pilot
you have a horrible day until you think of a funny BTVS quote
you have unlocked everything on Chaos Bleeds (the game)
you don't drink beer until you remind yourself that Buffy turned into a cavegirl from the beer in the episode "Beer Bad"
you know the lyrics to all the songs in the musical episode "Once More, With Feeling"
you rant to yourself about Buffy

You might be a cheese head if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

your name is Brett, your father's name is Bart, and your uncles' names are Ray and Vince.
you care more about what happens on Lombardi Avenue than Pennsylvania Avenue.
you wore a Favre jersey to your baptism, wedding, or funeral.
on game day, someone tells you "your mother dresses you funny" and you take it as a compliment.
your dog's name is Grabowski, Majkowski, or Bow-wowski.
your first words were..."packer-backer"
you never realized that cheese had more uses then just hats
your house is green and your funiture is yellow
you have a cardboard cut out of Brett Favre and you worship it nightly
your friends don't visit anymore because if they mention the Vikings you yell "attack!" and pull out your 45 caliber.

You might be a college student if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

Your grocery list is always the same-Boxed macaroni&cheese,Twinkies and pop.
Your refrigerator is 3 feet tall and has more beer than food in it.
Stolen road signs and blacklight posters replace pictures.
You paid $500 for your car,$5,000 for your car stereo.
You owe the beer distributor more than you owe for books and other student loans.
You use the "healing powers" excuse everytime you start a petition to legalize marijuana.
The cops come to your door on a daily basis telling you to keep the noise down.
You get up at 6P.M.,go to bed at 6A.M.
Your cat eats leftover pizza instead of Science diet,meow mix,etc.
Your source for information is MTV news.
You've ever shoplifted from Goodwill.
You've ever blown a whole week's pay on beer.
You can't afford to shop at Abercrombie And Fitch but you do anyway.
You know exactly what time Taco Bell opens and closes.
The last time you cleaned your apartment is when you moved in.
Any of your furniture is inflatable.
You think Tommy Hilfiger should be president
Your calender is marked with every bar's happy hour.
You don't need a stove because you have a microwave.
You have tickets to a Phish concert the weekend you go home.You of course choose the concert.

You might be a computer salesman if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

You can lie about the product you're selling without realizing you're lying.
You can sell a product that you know very little about about.
The main brands that you sell happen to be the worst in the industry. (Certain unnamed electronics stores...)
You can sell a product for twice what it's worth and give a "low price guarantee" on it, which you know will never be questioned.
...you know the loopholes in this same "low price guarantee".
You can sell a lease on a product costing 10 times as much as the product will be worth at the end of the lease.

You might be a Diablo addict if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

Someone comes around the corner of a building suddenly and you find yourself stabbing for an F5 key that isn't there.
You start naming everything you own with prefixes and suffixes (ie., your car is "Rusted Gremlin of Frailty", computer is "Obsolete Compaq of Weakness" =P).
After several hours playing your high level mage, you begin to moan and complain about how annoying it is to have to WALK to the mailbox; you'd much rather teleport to it.
The DSF or the Lurker Lounge is your homepage. Your internet nickname is based off your Diablo character's name, and not the other way around.
Whenever you're in a store, you try to give the salesman $50 just to look at the wares.
You start inspecting everyone who walks past, and if they look too healthy, declare them a "cheater".
You are caught trying to eat the books in the library.
You mix blue food coloring in with your iced teas, much to the puzzlement of all your friends.
Whenever a dog walking past stops to bark at you, you cringe and duck for cover.
You are arrested for public indecency; the police find you wearing nothing but a bright pink bathrobe. Your protests of, "But I'm legit!" leave them unmoved.
Whenever you are in a large crowd of people at a concert or wherever, your mind continually conjures the image of blasting them all in one perfect cast of Chain Lightning.
Your friend asks to borrow your walking stick, but you refuse, saying "You don't have enough Magic to use this anyway."
When the regional bishop visits your church for an important holiday, you come to the mass armed to the teeth and spoiling for a fight.
You are always extremely nervous while buying your meats, and keep trying to get the man behind the counter to chase you towards the subway entrance.
Whenever you see a topless woman, you run away, round a corner, and wait for her to follow. You don't even know why you do it.
You answer to your Diablo nickname in addition to your real name.
Whenever anyone discusses modern mechanized warfare, you jump right in with a plethora of comments, mostly about the advantages of Awesome Plate of Sorcery and Storm Shield.
You help a little girl find her lost toy, and then you try to take her necklace. Her father beats you up.
You find someone selling really overpriced and fancily-named crap, and warn everyone not to buy from him, calling him "Wirt" and "the Evil One."
Whenever you tell someone a factual story or a historical tidbit, you always start with, "Take heed and bear witness to the truths that lie herein, for they are the last legacy of the Horadrim... last night while I was driving home the funniest thing happened..."
A friend invites you to go on a weekend spelunking trip with him and you turn him down, saying "I haven't learned Mana Shield yet."
You think "porn" means taking a screenshot whilst surrounded by witches.
You have more screenshot porn than real porn on your system. =P
You continually try to repair your own clothes, but are not surprised at all when they are left worse off than before.
Whenever someone gets up in your face acting threatening, you remember that you're invulnerable while Flash is being cast.
You always try to cast a Town Portal whenever you go downstairs in your house, because "I don't want to get stairtrapped."
You get stopped by a cop whose radar tells him you were speeding, but you argue that his scanner can't tell him any useful info and is highly unreliable as well.
When asked where you are, you often lie since you think the questioner may be a PK.
In snowball fights, when your target is not stunned by your projectiles you complain that they are "abusing the MS bug" You then cover them with band-aides to make them stop.
If you see someone cheating on a test, you don't bother to report it because "Blizz won't do anything about it anyway."
If your car stalls, you fire off an email to Blizzard complaining that, "my game froze when I cast the Ignition spell while using the Brown Car of the Ages" (which is what I'd call my old chevy under the Diablo system)
If you witness a violent crime, you tell the authorities that the perpetrator must have been using Town Kill, since he attacked while not in the dungeon.
When you join a group of protesters against nuclear proliferation, your sign says, "Apoc staves that yield 255 megatons aren't legit!!!"
When you can't find something, you ask friends to check their inventory and see if they picked it up.
When giving news of a death, you try to soften the blow by using the euphamism : "he timed out"
You have to stay after school for destroying the science teacher's human skeleton model, and when asked why you did it cry out, "Rest well, Leoric! I'll find your son!"
When asked how things have been lately, you respond, "All was peaceful until the dark riders came and destroyed our village."
You pay the grocer $5,000 for a gallon of orange juice because "I need one more point of magic to read my history assignment"
You return all your Christmas gifts because you are playing purist, and further more, "I don't trust Uncle Steve... I think he duped the white sock of foot-holding he got me, after all there were *two* of them."
Instead of holding a garage sale to get rid of unwanted items, you just discard them in the center of town.
You complain loudy to anyone who will listen that Fort Knox is obviously duping gold.
You think wrestler Mick Foley must have been pk'd at some point. (for the benefit of the unwashed masses who don't know wrestling :p , Foley lost his ear in an in-ring mishap a few years back)
You do little karate chops on those road construction warning barrels, expecting them to break open and drop gold.
You drink from little plastic kiddie pools so you can see through walls.
You tell airport flight controlers that their radar is largely useless, since it can only detect planes on the common dupes list.
When asked for your social security number, you complain "Blizzard took it away to screw over D1 players!"
your wife tries to give you one more grocery bag to carry into the house, you toss it into the air and say "I can't carry anymore."
while toasting at a dinner and you go to raise your glass and sip to someone's health, you mutter "Not enough Mana" when you see nothing in the bottom of the glass.
you drop casual mention that you have a Steel Long Staff of the Ages to attractive women, who you keep referring to as 'rogues,' whom you meet in taverns, that other people call 'bars.'
you are arrested for walking around carrying a Commodore 64 computer, and nothing else, and all you can tell the judge is that you are a "Beyond Naked Mage."
you wear a lampshade on you head at New Year's Eve parties, but insist on calling it the Harlequinn's Crest.
you give generously to old homeless men in the street, and confuse them all by saying "Moderation is the key, right Farnham?"
you call your son "Albrecht" even though your ancestry is Irish/Chinese.
everytime the preacher tells the story of Lazarus being raised from the dead in church, you are heard to mutter "But I killed him last night in Hell diff, what does it take to finally destroy that Vile Betrayer?"

You might be a drummer if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you insist on spending an hour tuning your snare, even though no one can hear the difference.
you accidentally slam on the brake or gas mistaking it as a bass drum pedal. (Jamie, pgschick)
you think listening to Dream Theater is "WORSHIPPING." (Jamie, pgschick)
you tell the people at resturuants who sing and clap "Happy Birthday" that they are out of tempo. (Jamie, pgschick)
you've ever tried to play any other instrument with drumsticks.
your style of dancing involves slapping your thighs and pounding your feet.
while everyone else is dancing at a club, your girlfriend watches your prowess on air drums.
you play the drum part on a song and ask someone if they recognize the song.
you play soft rock songs on the steering wheel. (Drummer's friend)
you can find the beat the first five seconds of the song. (Drummer's friend)
you friends tell you to stop hitting them in your sleep. (Drummer's friend)
you "play" yor pen and pencil on your desktop in all your classes. (Drummer's friend)
you are always yelled at by the band director to spit your gum out, because there is no gum allowed in the band room. (Drummer's friend)
your house constantly vibrates. (nettacool)
your set cost more than your car. (Jess)
you're known as "that drummer kid." (Jess)
you think Carl Palmer and Neal Peart are good names for boys. (capitalk2)
you freak out when someone else is behind your drum set, and warn them about breaking a head (even though they only hit your drums with 1/10th the force you use) (admrlhowdy)
20% or more of last year's income was spent on new cymbals. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever dropped a stick while playing and not noticed. (admrlhowdy)
you have ever lost your grip on a stick, and it hit you in the face after rebounding off of a drum head. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever taken longer than 30 seconds to realize that the rest of your band has stopped playing. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever set your pants on fire because a cigarette fell out of your mouth an you continued to play anyway. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever tried to show you guitarist a riff using your drum set. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever written somthing on guitar and at least 75% percent of the notes were muted. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever taken baton lessons to learn to twirl your sticks. (deadman420)
you were kicked out of your school band for always insisting on a solo. (deadman420)

You might be a drunk if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you wake up drssed as a woman and think, "hey, I look alright.!"
you walk into the house saying "Home Honey, I'm High" (Brian McB)
you lose arguments with inanimate objects. (Another Joe, Another_Joe)
you wake up in the bedroom fully clothed, except for your underwear, which you strangly find in the bathroom. (Another Joe, Another_Joe)
you go into any bar in town and they have a bar stool with you name engraved on the back. (jimmy)
you wake up in the middle of the night, pee in a beer bottle, and then the next morning wake up take a drink and exclaim, "This beer is stale!" (Lisa)
when you walk in, the whole bar says hello.
you think beer is the elusive 6th food group.
your only conversations with God are over a commode pleading "just help me stop puking and I'll NEVER drink again!"
you wake up and find a loaf of unsliced bread with bites missing next to your bed! (moose)
you're as jober as a sudge. (fistindantulas)
you throw a rock at the ground and miss. (zopopeh)
you can trip over a cordless phone.
you get out of bed and miss the floor. (Bryan S.)
you think that the floor always slants when you stand up.
you think your best date is the bartender because you see her more than one night.
you think that the way to prononce your name actually involves a blech.
you never need a family reunion, you started drinking at the same bar as your family.
you think your dinner is made out of the bloody mary vegtables.
you wake up in the morning and can't figure out how you got home, and then realize that you are not at home. (Lori Gutweiler)
your slogan is "Save Water, Drink Beer". (doodlebug)
the yellow couch you've been lying on turns out to be the curb. (scope3)
people didn't know you drank till you sobered up once (scope3)
you keep trying to order a bouble durban (scope3)
you try to change a light bulb by holding onto it and letting the room spin (scope3)
doctors find traces of blood in your alcohol stream.(AcroNiMbuS)
you have to grab onto your lawn to keep from falling off the world. (AcroNiMbuS)
you find yourself inside a bus shelter and can't get out.
you puke on a moth then weep for hours cause you killed it. (Diane)
you have so much trouble aiming that you hit the other objects in the bathroom more than the toilet...
...especially if you manage to hit the ceiling.
your bed is flying through your bedroom and you have to wait for it to pass so you can jump in. (Bert van Viegen, viegen) How come everyone out there is nodding their heads???
the walls have grown fluorescent lights. (Dave Tibbs)
your bed feels remarkably similar to the tarmac on a car park. (Dave Tibbs)
you bark at the cat.(stry6907)
you crash on the bed, get up three hours later--take a long walk to the "bathroom" and later suspect that the dog has relieved himself in your room.
you think the TV is a urinal.
you think that everyone out on the freeway wants to hear your rendition of "See me, Feel me" from Tommy.
you can take a group shower in mixed company without any regrets or incidents.

You might be a Goth if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you are allergic to sunlight. (Cat)
you have ever written a poem about your dead cat/dog/fish/hampster. (deathchid)
caffeine is more important than sunlight.
petrol is more important than sunlight.
you wear more makeup than your wife/girlfriend.
you take an ice cold bath before going to sleep.
you take an ice cold bath before sex.
you demand someone takes an ice cold bath before sex.
at your wedding, the bride wears a huge dark mistress dress and you wear a white leather body suit.
at your wedding, it is difficult to tell which is the bride and which is the groom.
you have ever slamdanced.
...to make room for you and your friends at the high school prom.
you have ever imprisoned a friend as a child and drained him of his soul.
mana is more important than sunlight.
your friends are too scared to call you spooky.
you slept in your drummers bass drum during a gig.
you practiced guitar swallowing and ended up in ER.
you don't come out on film.
your reflection is distorted.
you don't use a plectrum due to the size of your fingernails.
you ate your homework for the ink.
you have a tattoo of a spider anywhere.
you shave with a salted razor outside on a snowy winters day.
the sabbath day makes you shudder.
you wonder whether marilyn manson is good/evil or rich.

You might be a guitarist if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you always carry picks in your wallet, but not necessarily cash. (san_gtr)
you start a scale in the wrong place, and your wife comes home and tells you she bought a new g-string and you answer, "Cool, Phosphor Bronze or Nickel wound?" (mojoman)
your wife tells you she dented the fender, and you run to the guitar room to check on your strat. (mojoman)
no matter where you are in your house, you're within 5 inches of a tray of picks. (ricardo2424)
you go through more strings than girlfriends. (Dj Nik, dj_n1k)
you tie your shoes up with high gauge strings. (Dj Nik, dj_n1k)
you've ever been sprayed with water to make you stop playing. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever taken speed just to play death-metal. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever threatened someone with physical violence after they bump into the head of your guitar (and caused it to detune). (admrlhowdy)
you've ever yelled at someone for playing one of your old guitars, that hasn't been touched in 2 years. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever dropped what you're doing to go across town on "emergency pick run." (admrlhowdy)
you can play Stairway to Heaven on any stringed insturment. (admrlhowdy)
you take more than one guitar on a 3-day vacation. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever missed two meals in a row trying to "tab out" a song. (admrlhowdy)
you've ever stopped playing a song in the middle because of a mistake that no one else noticed . (admrlhowdy)
you've ever figured out tv commercial jingles/tv show themes just to kill time. (admrlhowdy)
someone has threatened to injure you if you play Stairway to Heaven one more time. (admrlhowdy)
you have one or more guitar within reaching distance while reading this. (admrlhowdy)
you have a strong urge to play your guitar while reading this list. (admrlhowdy)
you are reading this list with a guitar on your knee. (admrlhowdy)
you have taken a break from reading this list to play guitar. (admrlhowdy)

You might be a gymnast if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

Gymnastics is life and the rest is just spare time.
you have never heard of the words whining and wimps.
your vocabulary includes rips, wedgies, sweat, determination, and guts!
you use your swingset to practice your bar routine.
you sit in a straddle when you are watching TV.
you have blisters on your hands for life.
you have become attached to your grips.
you have more rips in your hands from bar than holes in swiss cheese!
you're at the mall and you just want to flip and tumble and hang from all the poles!
people mistake you for a rubber band.
you're doing handstands on the monkey bars in the schools playground.
your bed is a trampoline.
you use chalk more often than soap.
your body cracks loud enough to stop class but you don't hear it.
you're short enough to model for trophies.
the only athletes you know are Dominique and Kerri.
aerial and roundoff are the two main words in your vocabulary.
your friends are at the mall looking at the newest fashions, when you're looking at leos.
your hands have more blisters than knuckles.
you come home with more chalk on you than on a chalkboard.
you point you toes during pull ups for gym class.
you dance down the hallway instead of walk.
your floor routine music is your favorite song.
the Matt and Kip you spend most of your time with aren't guys.
you know most vaults aren't in the bank.
practice makes perfect isn't just a saying, but a way of life.
all your friends are eating dinner while you are at practice.
your rips are the size of the Grand Canyon.
you can stick it without using glue.
during a Social Studies test, you are tempted to put down what you really studied.
the magnificent seven isn't a tv show, it's Shannon, Dominique, Amy, Amanda, Dominique, Jaycie, and Keri.
you do handstands in public bathrooms.
you do pirouettes while waiting in line.
you do handstands in the parking lot.
you can't remember a time when your hands were soft & uncallused.
you perform well under stress.
you compete calmly before crowds yet suffers anxiety during school tests.
you are well coordinated.
you have the ability to balance your body on a narrow beam yet cannot bend over to pick up the clothes off of the floor of you room.
you have a new leo for every day of practice.
your couch is like a pit where you do all your flips.
you have bigger musles than all the boys in school.
every thing you do has to do with flipping.
you promise to never stop gymnastics.... like an energizer bunny that just keeps going.
your calves look like softballs because they are so big.
you go to school and take the chalk home from the chalkboard.
you tell off boys on dates telling them you have gymnastics.
your rips are like craters in the moon.
your saying is: it doesnt hurt till the bone shows.
beam is super fat, and definitely easy!

You might be a Human Resources director if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

people start freaking out when you spend more than a single day on their floor.
you look at a Listerine bottle, and wonder what the American with Disabilities Act has to do with it.
you know everyones name, but not all their faces.
conversely, you know all their faces, but not all their names.
people accuse you of writing "HR babble" rejection letters.
you can't go in public without being spotted at least once.

You might be a journalist if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

feel stupid when you can't come up with something as creative than your co-workers.
like to hang out with your right-brained friends because then you're the "wild one."
aren't concerned with losing your job because it's such a piss-poor field you know they would be doing you a favor.
understand where the term "starving artist" derived.
talk in "headline speak" for grins and shits.
correct your chuch bulletin with a pen during the service or mark up any newsletter that comes in the mail while you're on the phone.
insist on explaining to everyone where the grammar mistakes are in any publication or sign.
actually understand the use of: it vs. it's; your vs. you're; effect and affect; and the use of commas, semicolons and colons.
hope you don't get an assignment that requires a lot of driving because your car might break down.
enjoy reading your dictionary and quizzing your co-workers and friends.
read an e-mail several times before sending it and making at least three editing changes.
you are pressured into making a list because two other journalist-types already have.
when playing Scrabble, you go for the word that is the most impressive, rather than the highest scoring.
you kept all the books you read in college but haven't touched them since.
when you point out that someone made a grammatical error, your significant other just nods wearily and says, "Yes, dear."
you deride your reporters' stupidity silently every time you find a mistake.
you hear about a murder on TV and sigh with relief when you realize it's not in your "coverage area."
you are bothered by the fact that you can't come up with anything clever enough for a list about what writers/journalists actually do.
mock incorrect grammar while allowing yourself any and all "creative" uses. You are, in fact, a professional.
are able to attribute your misspellings such as "independance" or "milenium" to your editor's lack of skill. It's the whole point of having editors, right?
have ever figured out how much more income you could bring in as manager of Taco Bell.
have been prescribed at least three different anti-depressants have seriously considered joining the peace corps but couldn't for fear of being stationed nowhere near a Gap.
you like to eat out but don't order wine or appetizers because you can't afford it.
you have ever spent more than three hours in a cafe and used your debit card to pay for your $1.69 grande coffee.
...you feel that your submission to this site deserves a byline.

You might be a Kentucky fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you were physically ill after UK lost to Duke on a last second shot in the NCAA tourney.
you're the principal of a school and you let the entire school skip the last two periods of the day just to see the first round of the NCAA Tournament ... (yearly occurance).
you have ever painted yourself blue to watch a game.
...on television.
you think it's acceptable to spell cats with a "K"
you've ever threatened a head coach with his dog's life if the team lost to the in-state rival (U of L, of course)
...when you found out he didn't have a dog, you left one on his front porch.
you acted so obnoxious on the coach's call-in show that they cut you off the air.
you've used the bowel movements of farm animals to predict the team's score in the next game.
the name "Christian Laettner" gets your blood boiling.
you called in to the coach's call in show to tell him what defense he should be using more of.
you've bought and maintained the "Fire Tubby" and "Fire Billy" sites (and now "Fire Calipari").

You might be a Lexx fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you regard Star Wars, Star Trek, Red Dwarf and Dr Who as "that childish phase I went through once."
you grew your hair long just so you could secretly experiment with Brunnen-G hairstyles.
you think becoming a class 4 security guard would be a good career move.
you suddenly start thinking dragonflies and moths look sexy.
you've had the "yo-ay-oh" song in your head for two weeks now and you don't care.
you find yourself starting to like 790's poetry.
you find yourself starting to like Poet Man's poetry.
you keep trying to convince your friends that scientific accuracy doesn't matter in science fiction.
you would watch a whole episode even if the sound failed just to ogle Kai or Xev (according to gender)
...if for some reason they made an episode without Kai or Xev, you would watch it to ogle Stanley or Giggerota "because they're not all that bad".
you think His Divine Shadow would kick Darth Vader's butt, and can support your theory with more than 100 reasons.

You might be a Linux fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you even know what a kernel is. (David Pollak, davidp)
you use GIMP instead of Paint (7.89 MB instead of 383 k, but that's OK, it's for Linux!)
you have nothing else to talk about except about the different distributions!
you want to...really harm people using FVWM 95.
you secretly cheered on the "ILOVEYOU" mail worm.
you've heard how Torvalds pronounces Linux. (jplevel)
you called someone up at 3:00am to tell them about ring-back support. (jplevel)
and ask them to help you try it out too (jplevel)
you're pissed about fvmw-95.
...you know it's "f-v-w-m". (jplevel)
you agree that it's a life-changing revolution. (jplevel)
you've created joke lists making fun of a certain Micro$oft CEO. (jplevel)
you can make device drivers with cat redirection. (jplevel)
you're proud that you've escaped from a kernel freeze. (jplevel)
you recompile the kernel more often than you shower. (jplevel)
you know more about Finland than you do your own country. (jplevel)
ps -ef | grep 'tty', actually means something to you. (jplevel)
you have a De-CSS t-shirt.
you actually understand the difference between distributions. (cyberfan)
you have tried to convince Microsoft fans that you can crash NT by osmosis.
you've ever wondered if a subtle change in atmospheric conditions would cause an NT server to crash.
your mantra is "Open Source".
you have a Tux doll.
you've actually worked with more than one distribution.
...or have assembled your own distribution.

You might be a Martha Stewart junkie if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

the producers from her show keep sending you "That's enough" letters. (aldy rosales, hornetal)
you actually take time to color code your linen closet, and then go off at someone if they mess it up. (stitch13304)
everything you say ends with "that's a good thing."
you made an entire Thanksgiving table setting with eight nails, a piece of plyboard, and a can of turpentine. (joeblo00)
you walk around with a W.W.M.D. bracelet on your wrist to remind you... What would Martha do? (StacieH12)
you worship K-Mart. (Jillian_Baker)
everything in your house has the MArtha Stewart tag and you brag about it. (Jillian_Baker)
her commercial comes on TV and you get up hurriedly and bow down in front of the TV and chant, "Martha!! Martha!!" (Jillian_Baker)
you've papered your house with the covers of "Martha Stewart Living" magazine.
you sew doily trims onto your toilet paper.

You might be a math geek if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you pass the time on a driving trip by averaging the numbers on license plates. (Lisa C.)
most jokes you tell end with the punchline: "because it's prime!!" (ricardo2424)
you see the equation e^i(pi) = -1 and ponder it for six weeks straight. (ricardo2424)
you've told the "pie are square" joke.
you take astrophysics as a bird course.
you think anyone who doesn't work at home is abelian. (Laura)
you can calculate your whole teams' batting adverage instantly. (Shannon)
...your favorite football team was the Tennessee Eulers (before they changed their name, of course). (You have to be a math geek & know football to get this one.)
you use binomial expansion for grocery shopping. (Laura Cole)
you know what pi is beyond the first three digits. (Lee Anderson)
whenever you hear something happened at a certain date, you automatically subtract in your head to figure out how many years ago it was. (Lee Anderson)
when it's time to leave a tip, you always know what 15% of the bill is. (Lee Anderson)
listing all of the math classes you've taken makes people wince and shudder. (Lee Anderson)
you can't believe it when someone can't understand a concept as simple as trigonometric ratios. (Lee Anderson)
geometric proofs excite you. (Lee Anderson)
...you have memorized the first 10000 digits of pi... BACKWARDS.

You might be a musician if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

your phone is unplugged for 2 hours or more a day so you can practice. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
you are more worried about breaking a finger then breaking a leg. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
Bach is not just a funny sound you can make in your throut. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
when practicing chromatic scales becomes more fun then bowling. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
you spend more money on books, instrument supplies, private lessons, and classes then rent, food, and bills combined and, you have more then one job to pay for everything. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
you dream about little sharps attacking flats and whole notes falling in love with quarter notes. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
playing The Flight of the Bumblebee is as easy as reciting the alphabet. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
you know that normally The Flight of the Bumblebee is not that easy of a piece. (Jennie *Goober*, twigs4)
you listen to PDQ Bach and get all of the jokes. (Benji, bmcphe3302)
that irritating song that's been running through your head for two weeks is by Mozart. (oranaiche)
that irritating song that's been running through your head for two weeks is from "Wozzeck" by Webern. (oranaiche)
your notice you are drumming your fingers on the table to the rhythm of the classical music being played at the restaurant. (teribssn)
you walk down the hall singing the bass line to Beethoven's 7th and you wonder why people look at funny. (PodiumMan)
you might be a musician if you consider Stravinsky's "Rite of Spring" marchable. (ricardo2424)
you prefer playing your instrument rather than having sex.
you know and can recite all the musician jokes and derivitives in score order! (Harlan Bryan, hchbryan)
getting the sniffles is a true catastrophy. (Laura Cole)
you walk around conducting the Verdi Requiem, Dvorak Requiem, Bruckner e-minor Mass, Beethoven 7, etc., and wonder why people are looking at you funny. (Laura Cole)
you can roughly translate any Latin text, but you've never taken a Latin class. (Trust me--it's true... Laura Cole)
your co-workers can tell what you are listening to on your headphones by the way you are typing. (Leah Allan, lma1982)
you're willing to shell out $16 for a score to 4'33". (Laura Cole)
you know what 4'33" is. (Laura Cole)
you know Tchaikovsky's full name AND all its spellings. (Laura Cole)
you have played more instruments than the average person can name.
you own more in sheet music than in CDs
you can define the difference between a sonata and a concerto.
you know 101 jokes involving either violas, French horns, or percussionists.
you know any jokes about players of any other specific instruments.
you took more semesters of foreign languages, that you hardly ever use, than english.
you have expelled more hot air than your average politician.
you actually cheered on the marching band in high school.
you have ever played anything by Bela Bartok.
you had carpal tunnel before computers became popular, or have injured yourself more times sitting down than standing up.

You might be a NASCAR fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you think that the four last words of the National Anthem are "Gentlemen, start your engines." (crusinsusan)
during a funeral procession you weave back and forth to get your tires in shape for the restart. (Kilroy)
you think about Brooke Gordon during sex. (Kilroy)
you think about Jeff Gordon has the two best rides in NASCAR. (Kilroy)
you call skid marks in your underwear a "Darlington Stripe." (Kilroy)
you refer to your wide as "winning the pole" after sex. (Kilroy)
you cant remember your husband's birthday, but can remember the last 10 Winston Cup Points Champions. (Kilroy)
you have ever had the number "3" tattooed anywhere on your body. (Kilroy)
you are reported missing and the police are advised to check all race tracks first. (shorty512)
in your will you leave your money and possessions to NASCAR stating that you are to be buried in the infield. (shorty512)
your first and middle name is Richard Petty. (capitalk2)
you compile our shopping list based on sponsorships. (ricksonya)
you enter the gas station at 70 mph, then attempt to complete at 14 second "pit-stop" (ricksonya)
your favorite turns are left turns. (scott2unme)
you've ever had to explain to an officer, whose giving you a sobriety test, that your weaving from lane to lane was just an attempt to get more fuel into your car. (jamie)
you think Richard Petty should be president. (jamie)
when you are the first car stopped at a stop light, you consider yourself "on the pole" (jamie)
your mechanic has to remind your constantly that he's not your crew chief. (jamie)
you've ever told a cop,"but officer I wasn't tailgating, I was drafting." (jamie)
you've ever spun out a car trying to pass it on the interstate, and explained to the officer that "Rubbing is Racing" (jamie)
your son took the race tire you have from Darrell Waltrips car, to school for show and tell. (jamie)
you take your wife out driving with you, cause you need a spotter. (jamie)
...you've seen Talladega Nights more than 3 times.

You might be a net junkie if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you're reading this at 3:30am, while chugging a bottle of jolt. (Spankwagon)
you have never seen any of your friends in person. (Daisy, mclaughlin)
you say that you 'have to download' everytime you have to go to the bathroom. (Daisy, mclaughlin)
you haven't went shopping in a "brick-and-mortar" store in a year... even for food.
you haven't heard a song recently that wasn't in MP3 format.
you prefer getting paid a *cumulative* $2.25 per hour with pay for surf programs than actually working.
no one can ever phone you because you're always on-line...
...or can always reach you because have a separate line for your connection.
you refer to dying as going to "www.heaven.com".
you dream in HTML. (David Pollack, cyberfan)
you refer to everything in URL form.
you wake up and wonder which web site you've surfed to. (David Pollack, cyberfan)
your motto is, "My homepage is my castle." (cyberfan)

You might be a net newbie if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

YOU WRITE IN ALL CAPS. ALL THE TIME. (ERIC C.)
oR YoU StIlL WrItE EmAiLs iN AlTeRnAtInG CaSe.
you believe what people say in chatrooms is actually the truth, and that girl in it really WILL love you for ever. (cyberfan)
...even though she hasn't seen you and you haven't seen her! (cyberfan)
you're actually turned on by cyber-ing.
you really believe the "get rich quick" scams you receive in e-mail will work. (cyberfan)
you think the "Get Paid to Surf" programs will make you rich. (cyberfan)
you're still signing up for *free* adult pics in your inbox.
you think free hardcore adult sites actually exist. (cyberfan)
you think that all pay sites have original pictures.
you can't associate surfing with web pages. (cyberfan)
you regularly report things you find on USENET to your ISP.
you still believe in the modem tax.
...and you think you saw it on your last phone bill.
you think "Jessica Mydek" is really the name of a little girl dying of cancer, and you fill compelled to forward the e-mail about her condition to the entire company, all of your friends, and their family pets.
a *Virus Warning* that you once read now makes you panic whenever you get a message saying: Returned Mail: Host Unknown
every time you've posted a message to a newsgroup, you've been flamed by at least ten people.
you've been flamed several times, but you still don't know the meaning of the term.
you post messages saying "UNSUBSCRIBE" to the mailing list that you've subscribed to...
...spelled "UNSUBIBE," "UNSUBSCIBE," UNSBSCRIB," etc...
...and other newbies follow your example...
...and you shut down the entire list because of all the junk traffic.
you think spam is a type of lunch meat. (Matt I.) ...hey... isn't this a redneck thing, too?
you can't tell the difference between a web URL and an e-mail address. (hint: e-mail addresses don't have http:// and web URLs don't have @'s)
your message submission from a submit form says: "Enter your submission here."
you think flaming someone involves a lighter and an aerosol can. (Dane S.) ... I am not responsible for anyone who tries this at home.
you think that using your browser to go on IRC rocks. (Tom) Honestly, IRC seems too newbie-ish to begin with. There are much better ways to waste your time on the Internet.
you are actually surprised that there are XXX sites on the Internet. (Inspired by a submission by Tom) Think about it people: Lonely geeks + pictures of naked women on the computer... Shouldn't the Internet be a virtual pornocopia?????

You might be a New Jersey driver if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you,or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New Jersey driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in New Jersey.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.
Learn to swerve abruptly. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to the State Highway Department, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
It is traditional in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get there first,by whatever means necessary.
Real New Jersey women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
Real New Jersey men drivers can remove their girlfriend's panties and bra at seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
In the New Jersey area 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite New Jersey salute. This gesture should always be returned.

You might be a packrat if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you have a two car garage and can only fit one car in.
it's not a junk drawer. It's a junk ROOM. (Hey, so I'm not the only one.)
you can only live in 1/4 of your house. (Raggedy Andi)
you actually think you'll wear that ugly piece of clothing one day. (Kaelon)
you get sued by your best friend because she tripped and broke her leg while trying to walk the ten feet to the bathroom from your living room. (Lisa)
you don't throw things away because everytime you do you need them a week later. (Jamie)
you can't throw stuff away because grandma said, "There might be another depression one day and you don't want to be left wanting." (PomPam3)
you keep your kid's clothes so your grandchildren or great granchildren can wear them. (Tina)
there are newspapers that are over 20 years old in your basement, and Ann Landers look so young!
your car has more stuff than your garage. (theboxigot)
you have the calendar and registration handbook from all four years of high school. (KC Casey)
you still have *every* ticket stub for *every* movie you have *ever* been to. (Japkin)
you think those Mork and Mindy trading cards will be worth something some day. (Japkin)
your taxes are perfect because you actually do keep every receipt. (Japkin)
you have every credit card that you ever owned laying somewhere around the house.

You might be a pianist if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you expect a singer to pick up a part on the first try sight-reading, because after all, it's only one note at a time.
you inform your fiancee that he'll have to share you- you're in love with a Steinway Grand. (Kward)
you can sense if a piano is in the building.
the first thing you look for when visiting someone's home is a piano.
you can stretch you hand so that your little finger nearly forms a 90-degree angle in relation to your fourth finger. (asathena)
you hear any random song on the radio and find yourself pondering whether it is in the key of G major or F major and go home to find out once and for all. (Sheena)
you wince when you walk into a house that contains a piano as "furniture." (Laura Cole)
you hear a child pounding on a piano and think, "Hey, cool! Twelve-tone!" (Also true of musicians in general...) (Laura Cole)
...you even know what twelve-tone is. (Laura Cole)

You might be a pro basketball fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you think back to the good ole days when players socks went to their knees and their shorts didn't. (1nbafan)
you started a fund for the players during the strike.
you actually paid attention to the strike.
you legally change your last name to Jordan.

You might be a public transit employee if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you know where every doctors office, human service agency, thrift store, and nursing home is in your area.
your watch is synchronized with the atomic clock in Colorado.
you know exactly how many minutes it takes between two places.
you know that the shortest distance between two places is never a direct route.
you can memorize bus schedules, radio codes and route numbers, but dont know your spouses birthday or anniversary.
you know where all the FREE restrooms in town are.
you can tell the difference between a Gillig, Flexible, Orion and Thomas Built from 100 yards.
your sex dreams involve stantion bars and tie downs.
you can drive at least four hours straight without needing to use a restroom, even when on vacation road-trips with your family.
you dont go anywhere without sunglasses, a pen and your spill-proof coffee mug.
you know how to drive defensively.
you know how to collapse a walker.
you know what a Retarder is.
you can parallel park a 40 foot bus in a 45 foot spot on the first try, but cant get your car into a parking spot without pulling up at least twice.
you think of driving anything shorter than 30 feet as handling like your car.
you make square turns in your own car.
you expect to hear beeping whenever in reverse.
you have to stop yourself from pulling into bus stops in your car.
you have caught yourself stopping at railroad crossings in your car

You might be a Rocky Horror fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

your favorite broadcast station is RKO. (Liz)
you consider yourself an unconventional conventionist. (Liz)
when someone says "I'd like to make a toast" you want to throw toast at them.
you use the phrase "Great Scott" at every opportunity. (Lisa)
whenever your friends start complaining about their husbands/boyfriends you sing out, "I can build you a man!" (Lisa)
you get a weird little thrill when you see some one lick their big red lips... (Lisa)
you are at the midnight showing every single day of week. (capitalk2)
you know the lyrics to all of the songs from the movie. (capitalk2)
...or you sing along with the movie. (kelp99)
you call anyone named Brad an a**hole. (capitalk2)
you call it RHPS. (croomberg99)
you can do the time warp. (croomberg99)
the word transvestite launches you into song. (croomberg99)
you never leave your spangled bustier at home. (deathchild)
when asked by a waitress what you would like, you reply "I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey." (deathchild)
you have to choose which shout-backs you're goin to use this weekend. (deathchild)
when a friend accidentally drop something and screams "DAMMIT," you involuntarily yell out, "JANET". (stick_guy)
you've ever referred to yourself in a normal conversation as a sweet transvestite... (stick_guy)
...or from transsexual Transylvania. (stick_guy)
whenever someone disgusts or disappoints you, you cry "Oh, Rocky, how can you!" (Lisa)
you own the soundtrack or movie (everydaze420)

You might be a scrooge if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.
your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata.
you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.
your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.
your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson.
your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors' string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog.
your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

You might be a slacker if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you have learned to use the TV remote control with your feet because the coffee table is too far from the couch. (Clive)
every morning, the first words out of your mouth are, "Mom, I'm too sick to go to school today!" ...and you're 32 years old and out of high school. (Lisa)
when there's nothing on TV you channel surf for a half an hour or until new shows come on. (ash_pixie2)
you consider room service the old sandwich next to your closet.
you actually quit work because it caused you to wake up.
you have no problem wearing the same underwear 2 weeks straight.
every semester in college, you choose a course that you designate as a "skip" class--meaning, if there isn't a test that day, you skip class.
it's Thursday morning and the third week of the semester... you're taking 14 hours of classes... you've only been to one class so far this week, and that's the one you slept through.
you have somehow managed to get paid for just surfing the web at work.
you spend more time figuring out the least amount of work required to get a certain grade than you do studying.
you've shrugged your shoulders at every item on this list.
you're getting paid to go to school, and you still sleep in almost every class.

You might be a South Park junkie if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you say everything in Cartman's voice.
you shout "BARBARA STREISAND" when you're really ticked off.
you thought the South Park movie was a heartwarming, poignant exploration of the coming of age of 4 young boys.
you really ask yourself, "What would Brian Boytano do?"
you freak when they show a clip that *doesn't* kill Kenny and rewind the tape because you're sure you just missed it. (Lisa, demick)
you tell people to respect your authoritah.
every time you take a dump you say "Hidey Ho!" (allsignals)
you actually take notice when people say, "Mmmmkay." (ricardo2424)
you've hit the closed-captioning button to see the lyrics for the songs... (Ppeterdragon)
whenever anyone asks you for something, you scream, "No Kitty! This is MY pot pie!" (ricardo2424)
you've ever said, "Yeah, I want cheesy poofs!" instead of a simple "Yes." (ricardo2424)
you form an expedition to find Scuzzlebutt. (bigern1977)
you've karaoked to "Come Sail Away"--Eric Cartman style. (bigern1977)
your answering machine has your imitation of Cartman on it. (bigern1977)
you've thought about playing *kick the baby* with you baby brother. (BusyDor)
whenever you leave a room you announce, "Screw you guys I'm goin' home..."
you understand what "Moo moo moo moo moo" means. (everydaze420)
your user name is some form of Cheesy_Poofs or Snacky_Cakes. (DT)
you throw a party for your friends to come and watch every Wednesday night. (jensencl)
you believe you've been anal probed by aliens. (jonathan ryan)
you wonder why chef is on an oldies station singing about a bad mother named Shaft. (Kevin Blanchard, K831)
your favorite atheletes are named Road Dogg and Bad Ass. (Kevin Blanchard, K831)
you have chefaid.com bookmarked on your browser. (Adam)
Kenny appears in your dreams. (Carlos Novela, cnovela)
you cried "They Killed Kenny" when your dog got hit by a car. (doodlebug36)
...and your dog isn't named Kenny. (doodlebug36)
you start understanding what Kenny says. (Ben)
you're still calling your local cable company and demanding Terrance and Phillips be added to your service. (Terry)
you haven't slept in over 3 days because you're sure if you keep flipping through the channels, that you will eventually figure out which channel carries the Terrence and Phillips show! (Terry)
you have fantasies of "doing" Stan's mom in a clubhouse! (Terry)
you're still trying to find the lyrics for "Stinky Britches" (Kevin Blanchard, K831)
90% of your Christmas presents have a South Park Theme to them. (Visitor Submission)
you call your friends sick little monkeys. (Leeloo J.P.)
you actually HAVE some cheesy poofs. (Ethan)
you start to greet your friends starting with "hey dude".
you respond to good news by saying "kick ass!"
you placed Chef Aid on advance order... (Hey... I did... It has Cartman's "Bitch" song...)
you stay with your boyfriend, 'cause he has Comedy Central and you don't.
you don't get Comedy Central and spend seven hours on-line just to get an episode which you have to watch in RealPlayer with a 2 inch screen. (Adam Garon, Adam_Garon)
you tell people to ask Mr. Hat
you believe in Mr. Hankey.
the world stops at your house every Wednesday night at 10 EST (Alicat, alicat)
...and Saturday night at 10 EST.
you actually possess south park boxers, shirts, hats, fridge magnets, pins, keychains, and stickers on your car! (Alicat)
you have *every* episode on tape.(Alicat)
...and you paid for all of them.
you know *why* kyle's mom's a bitch. (Alicat) "Kyle's mom is a big fat bitch..." I love that song...
you find yourself using the phrase, "hidey ho, kyle" (Alicat)
your children start saying "sweeeeeeeet" (Alicat)
your computer's desktop, start-up screen, and sound files are loaded with south park wav's (Alicat) (a South Park computer geek?)
when asked why you watch south park, you respond, "cartoons kick ass" (Alicat)
you know that pig and elephant DNA won't splice (Alicat)
...you even learned the song by the same name.
you've went to the store looking for cheesy poofs and snacky cakes (Alicat)
you've used south park quotes in your sig file (Alicat)
you came up with this many submissions for this list!!!!! (Alicat)
you constantly want cheesy poofs. (Sean Maguire)
you yell, "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" whenever you get excited about anything.
you use Chef as a guide on how to pick up women.
you actually use the word "beefcake" on a regular basis.
Your TV has been on Comedy Central for so long that just the image has burned into the lower right corner of the screen.

You might be a tourist in San Francisco if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

You think youll only need a sweater in June.
You think walking uphill for several blocks is an adventure.
You congest foot traffic at Pier 39 to take a picture.
When riding the Powel/Hyde Street Cable Car, one hand is holding on for dear life while the other is holding a camcorder.
You drive across the Golden Gate Bridge and turn right around.
The Bush Man scares the crap out of you.
You walk around Union Square with a map.
You find the derelicts on MUNI charming.
You stop and gawk at The Silver Guys.
You cant tune out a loud homeless person.
You wonder why the hillside houses dont fall into each other.
You hope to experience an earthquake just to see what they feel like.
You wonder where all those pink shopping bags came from.
Youre willing to pay $4 to ride the cable car to Fishermans Wharf; $2 from the California StreetLine and another $2 to transfer onto the Powell Street Line. (If you want to get to the Wharf any native knows you can just take the F Line from Market & California DUH!)
When you ask for directions, you cant understand why someone would look at you with such disdain.
You dont see Willie Brown as a money hungry freak.
You have no idea what a Street Sheet is.
You think the knickknacks from Chinatown will last for awhile.

You might be a Tribes 2 addict if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you hear your digital watch beeping and you think it's a satchel charge.
the power goes out and you instinctively say "Repair our generators!"
you have had a Tribes dream.
you wish you had a spinfusor disc launcher.
you try to type vgh or vgb when you enter or leave any game or chat room.
you use the word "Shazbot!" on a regular basis.
you look around you for good sniper positions.

You might be a User Friendly junkie if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you comment how the sales team is just so Stef. (Scivistri)
you talk to your Sushi. (Mike R.)
you ever downloaded the Miranda pinup... and pinned it up. (Glenn S.)
when speaking about the author of UserFriendly, you have to stop and explain that "JD" is Illiad's real name. (Deech)
you know who "Jo McRobb" is. (Deech)
you've suggested to your significant other that they need a little "Stef Lovin". (Deech)
you know the emergency procedure when the coffee filters run out. (Deech)
you actually FOUND Evil Geniuses for Dummies (ultra-hardcore-UFie: Faith can move mountains). (Loup-Garou)
you know a fitting UF-strip for everything someone else says. (Loup-Garou)
you named your cat 5.
you begin saying nyet and da or adding unnecessary Ks to all words. (climbingwacko)
you spent days reading through the entire cartoon archive. (heretic)
when you were supposed to be working. (heretic)
you know the difference between a Dust Puppy and a crud puppy. (Networkboy)
you know what a "UFIE" is and don't mind being referred to as such. (Networkboy)
you speak with a slavic accent, but aren't from Eastern Europe. (Networkboy)
you can identify Illiad by sight. (Networkboy)
you consider Greg/Pitr/Mike/Miranda/AJ to be your role model. (Networkboy)
you've read the archives, in not only English, but in another language as well.
you own either of the following books: User Friendly: The Comic Strip or Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell: A User Friendly Guide to World Domination.
...or a dust puppy (three).
you've actually searched for the _Evil Geniuses for Dummies_ book. (Pinocchio Poppins)
...and actually purchased _Evil Geniuses in a Nutshell_. (Pinocchio Poppins)
you look to Pitr for programming inspiration.
your girlfriend proposes to you through the User Friendly news board.
you've actually searched for the "Evil Geniuses for Dummies" book.

You might be a video game addict if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

You decide the best way to defend against an asteroid is to get the kids with the initials D.I.K. and F.U.K. who got the unbeatable high scores.
You think getting high on shrooms will turn you into Super Mario.
Your Grand Theft Auto strategy of stopping traffic like a pedestrian is going to get you in a body cast, Carjacker Boy.
You assume that skill in Mario Kart is going to be enough to pass a Driver's Ed class.
Plays video games 24/7? Bad. 45 years old? Worse. Only game is Pong? Seek medical help.
You bid $2 million on Ebay for a Commodore 64, even though you're not a businessman nor a high-stakes Texas hold 'em bettor but a regular employee on minimum wage.
You look for video game releases 3 years in advance, and think of games released just now as "so last year."
You actually stood in line and bought a PlayStation 2. Of course, you were sleeping in the front of the Walmart for months now, and the manager invites you in, saying "Mi casa es su casa." Now, if only you knew where your casa is.

You might be a weather freak if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

You hear the word menopause and think of mesopause.
Youve ever tried to derive, using mathematical equations, exactly what would happen if a certain cat-5 hurricane slammed into New York.
When a severe thunderstorm hits, while everyone else is trying to rush indoors, you rush outdoors.
Youve ever plotted weather maps for other planets.
Youve ever supplied lecture material to your teacher.
Youre the webmaster of at least one weather-related site.
Youve ever sent a letter to a major weather site informing them of an error in their site.
Youve ever wanted to move to a Third World country solely because of the weather there.
You actually liked the old Weather Channel music.
Youve ever harassed Cornell University for their refusal to provide the climate data they record at no charge.
You get really aroused when a hurricane makes landfall anywhere.
You think of everything in terms of hot and cold.
Youve ever dreamed of melting the Arctic to eliminate winter in the Northern Hemisphere.
Youve ever dreamed of sending an asteroid down to earth to start a new Ice Age in both hemispheres.
You can write a complicated weather forecast program in FORTRAN that will parse the input values of the ETA, NGM, and AVN models, but you can't write a program that will print out "Hello, World!".
You became an atheist when God failed to provide a white Christmas.
You feel insanely jealous whenever a weather station further south records a white Christmas that you miss.
You think of Armageddon as being a weather-related disaster.
Youve ever sent someone you hate a weather forecast for Hell.
You went to see Twister for the tornadoes.
You set your watch to Zulu time.
You sympathize with ski resorts when they have a bad season.
Youve ever created a forecast of the results of global warming that you know isnt true but wish it was.

You might be a wrestling fan if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you always refer to your girlfriend as a Valet. (Volcano, bassman_sts)
you are the minister of a church for people that think Mick Foley is God.
you have never used a folding chair to sit on in your life.
you've ever gotten detention for doing DX crotch-chops, shouting "Suck it!"
you don the threads of "That 70's Guy" Mike Awesome, purchase a Partridge Family bus, and turn your locker into the "Lava Lamp Lounge."
you've ever worn cheetah Speedos, a cheetah headband, long hair, and taped ankles to a public swimming pool just to perform the SuperFly Splash off the high dive.
you know the difference between the Stone Cold Stunner and the Diamond Cutter.
you get kicked off the school wrestling team for low-blowing your opponents.
you've ever mistaken a softball game for a steel cage match.
your Halloween costume is always a different pro wrestler.
you make signs for your favorite wrestlers, and hold them up in your living room. (Dan B, gottabelive2k)
when you hear "You think that you know me?" you look around your living room to see if Edge and Christian are going to come out from behind the couch.
you wake up at 4 am to the sound of the garbage truck outside, but you still take a look out the window just to make sure its not the WWF trucks coming to set up in your backyard.
you can understand not only Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair interviews, but Perry Saturn's as well.
you get pissed off when they announce a wrestler's wrong weight.
you can name every referee in every federation, even the ECW guys.
you get angry when the storylines on the tv shows don't follow the ones you have been making up with your action figures.
in church, when everyone prays to the Father, The Son, and the Holy Ghost, you pray to Paul Heyman, Eric Bischoff and Vince McMahon.
you KNOW the difference between WWF, WCW, and ECW, and you get mad when people mix them up. (five alrm lita, skakittie)
you think the plotlines are real. (five alrm lita, skakittie)
you know which parts of the plots are made up and which are real.
you argue over which is best, WWF, WCW, or ECW.
...and you actually care. (Wedge)
you've ever looked in the bible for the book of Austin.
you try to raise your eyebrow like The Rock does. (Kaelon)
every time you get in trouble by your teacher, you give her a Stone Cold Stunner. And leave the room with your hands raised. (Pope_01)
you refuse to come out of your room unless your parents play your theme music. (Pope_01)
every week your parents have to buy new furniture. (Pope_01)
you make a Pay Per View called : "In My Room" (Pope_01)
you always have to wear your mandkind mask before leaving the house (Pope_01)
when your sister asks you for money, you challenge her to a "First Blood Match" for it. (Pope_01)
if you spell wrestling R-A-S-S-L-I-N "apostrophe." (kilroy)
if you have a poster of Stone Cold on the back of the door of your office. (kilroy)
if you think Gordon Soley is one of the greatest sportscasters of all time. (kilroy)
if you can name the finishing moves of The Super Destroyer, Mr.Wrestling I and II, and Rufus R. "Freight Train" Jones. (kilroy)
you have ever called in sick to go to a rasslin' match. (kilroy)
have the same hairstyle and color as Ric Flair. (kilroy)
named any of your children "Big Sexy" "Sting" or "Andre." (kilroy)
you have a BIGSXY license plate.
Sunday night youth group at church is moved to your house for Pay Per View. (Chuck)
whenever you hear some good news you respond with "HELL YEAH" (k_bird74)
you ask for someone's name then say "It doesn't matter what your name is!!!" (k_bird74)
your father tells you to do something and you finish it by saying, "Now can you dig it sucka?" (capitalk2)
you start every sentence with, "The Rock says this..." (cummuta)
you can name more than 10 wrestlers and sing their theme songs. (butterflies_r_free_01)
you think everyone holding up "John 3:16" signs ripped off "Stold Cold Steve Austin." (bhearlihy)
you check 3 different wrestling newsboards at least 5 times a day just to see if any new rumors have been released.
you answer every question with "cause Stone Cold said so!" (jena_ca)
everytime you threaten someone, you say, "Man I'm going to throw you through the spanish table if you don't stop." (IRISH 3:16)
you never leave the house on Monday nights. (zdlocke5)
you're always telling people to "Know your role and shut your mouth". (IRISH 3:16, bhearlihy)
you knew who Jesse Ventura was before he became an elected official. (IRISH 3:16)

You might be a Yankee if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
you think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
you don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
for breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
you don't know what a moon pie is.
you've never had grain alcohol.
you've never, ever, eaten Okra.
you eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
you've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
you have no idea what a polecat is.
whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.
you don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
you don't have bangs.
you would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
more than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
you would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
you don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
you have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
you think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
you don't have at least one can of WD*40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
you don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
the farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
you call binoculars opera glasses.
you can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
you would never wear pink or an appliqued sweatshirt.
you don't know what appliqued is.
most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football game.
you don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Bubba Kay Bob, Bob Bob)
you don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
you've never been to a craft show.
you get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
you can't do your laundry without quarters.
none of your fur coats are homemade.

You might be addicted to chatting if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you lol to a j/k.
you call your friends to tell them that you want to chat (online).
you say "lol" every time you find something funny. (cyberfan)
you say "brb" every time you have to leave for a minute. (cyberfan)
you :) to ppl. (cyberfan)
you get together with friends and actually say LOL or ROFL instead of just laughing. (Miranda)
you smile sideways :) and say "LOL" when something's funny. (ForsythiaV)
the only talking you do is online chatting. (cyberfan)
you dream about your cyberbabe's chat entries. (cyberfan)
chatting is more important than sleep, love or friendship. (cyberfan)
you [**********] when you cyber. (cyberfan)
you dream in text instead of pictures. (cyberfan)
you ever hit the snooze button on your alarm because you are dreaming that you are responding to an instant message. (Mendy)
you say hehehe every time you wanna laugh. (cyberfan)
you fall in love with someone, and you haven't seen her face... (cyberfan)
... or heard her voice.
your only friends are chat partners. (cyberfan)
all the girlfriends you've ever had were first female chat partners. (cyberfan)
the only sex you've had is cybersex. (cyberfan)
you ever think up looks for someone you've never met. (cyberfan)

You might be addicted to Star Wars if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you can quote word for word, one or more of the movies. (Wedge)
you always try to use the Jedi mind trick on nightclub doormen when they won't let you in. (siameseblue)
you every tell your date "I'd rather kiss a wookie," and meant it... (sunshine_bus)
you can tell the difference between the Wedge and X-wing Luke action figures. (sunshine_bus)
you've ever tried to build your own light sabre. (sunshine_bus)
you miss the last cheerio in your cereal bowl and say "The force is strong with this one." (thermogimp)
you have a degree in the Ewok language...
you USE your degree in the Ewok language.
...anytime you see anyone named Luke you tell them "Luke, I am your father"
if you have ever tried to use the force.
...and it worked!
you name your children after your favourite characters. (Mr Funny Bone)
you only holiday in Tunisia, where they filmed some of the scenes. (Mr Funny Bone)
you go around everywhere dressed as a character from the film. (Mr Funny Bone)
...especially if it's an Ewok or Wookie...
you think your 80 year old grandad look like yoda. (Mr Funny Bone)
you cried "Blasphemy!" when the KFC/Pizza Hut/Taco Bell commercial promoting Episode I came out.
your company was giving away pairs of tickets (one entry per person) to an advanced screening and you filled out entries for other people so that you'd have more chances to win.
you camped out for a week and a half to buy your twelve tickets before the first Prequel came out. (Laura Cole)
you used all of those tickets yourself. (Laura Cole)
you still have all of your old Star Wars action figures from when each movie first came out.
you saved the promotional cups from Taco Bell when they re-released the Trilogy.
your dog's name is Yoda. (A Chihuahua maybe?)
...or Chewbacca. (A Cairn terrier--Wizard of Oz's Toto--with extremely long hair.)
you not only saw the original release of the entire Trilogy, but saw the re-releases several times.
...and then bought them on videotape.
the collective value of all the Star Wars memorabilia in your house is more than the value of any car you have ever owned.
you set up your own server + T1 connection dedicated as a mirror site for the Star Wars Prequel trailers.
you devised an optimal way to serve these files using a high-speed hard drive combined with a 20 CD-ROM array.

You might be an engineer if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you have half-broken objects in your house that you refuse to throw away with the hope that you can someday fix them. (Felecia Murphy (ohsofly99))
you spend time looking at house hold products trying to devise a method for improvement. (Felecia Murphy (ohsofly99))
you actually buy technical books. (Felecia Murphy (ohsofly99))
you think that your way is the best way to do everything and constantly challenge ideas. (Felecia Murphy (ohsofly99))
you solder tools together to form new objects. (Felecia Murphy (ohsofly99))
you constantly inform people that the ships in Star Wars should all be silent in space. (Stu)
...and pick out other faults in movies regarding machines. (Stu)
you tell people that time travel is impossible. (Stu)
...minutes later you think of how you would build a time machine. (Stu)
you know "natural frequency" has nothing to do with bowel movements. (Stu)
you get angry when people won't let you fix things they've broken. (Stu)
you tried to build Transformer toys out of lego as a kid. (Stu)
...and tried to invent various lego contraptions in the hope of making money. (Stu)
you beg everyone you know to call you "Scotty." (Caitlin H.)
you can do vector calculus in your head, but you forgot how to do long division. (Psycho Dragon, christop)
you consider a databook "good reading" when you're on the toilet. (Stu Bell)
the first thing you do with anything new is take it apart to see how it works. (Stu Bell)
the last time you moved, you needed two dumpsters to haul off the scrap electrical parts from your work room. (Stu Bell)
you not only know what a left-handed constabulator is, but you designed one once, for fun. (Stu Bell) Okay, okay... I'm more of a computer geek than an engineer...
you paid more for math and science books during college than most people pay for tuition.

You might be an organist if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

your feet are more coordinated than the most dance students'.
"swing" rhythms horrify you.
molto espressivo means use the crescendo pedal.
you've ever accidentally "played" half your keyboard during a silent period in a chruch service because you placed a book in a precarious position.
you can actually hear what pitch the 32' pedal stop is playing in the bottom end of the range.
...or the 32' trumpet/tuba stop is the only thing you can hear anymore, because you now rely on feeling floor vibrations instead of using your ears.
if Beethoven were alive today, he'd ask you to play softer.
not even the brass section in the orchestra wants to challenge you.
you know twelve Bach toccatas and/or fugues, but Fur Elise has never been in your repertoire.

You might be from Florida if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

You refer to Captiva Island as the West Coast.
Your lucky number is 95.
Your idea of a perfect day is the day it rains after a drought or the day it is sunny after a huge rain spell.
Your license plate is GOHOME.
Down south to you means Key West.
You think a cracker is a lifelong Florida resident who lives in the rural areas.
You know several people who have hit an armadillo.
Your bumper sticker reads, "Where the heck is Yeehaw Junction?"
Your son is named after Henry Flagler.
You think panhandling is going to Pensacola.
You refer to Miami as the Gold Coast.
You can pronounce "Kissimmee" correctly.
Your idea of a mountain is 100 feet above sea level.
You know what Malfunction Junction is.
You know the latitude and longitude of every tropical wave.
Of all the bad four-letter words, WIND is the worst.
you never have more than 20 dollars worth of food in yourr freezer
you think your hall closet or saferoom as cozy
you can cook any thing on a propane grill
you think the $6000 total home generator is reasonable
you've ever been to the beach in January
you've ever seen an alligator on a golf course
you know the score of the last five UF and FSU football games
you own a puka shell necklace
you consider laying out a sport
senior adults outnumber teenagers 50 to 1 in your town
you call ditches, "canals"
you know a really good shark attack story
your city doubles in size every winter
you think everybody wears shorts and a t-shirt at Christmas
you can tell the difference in an orange tree and a grapefruit tree
you've heard tales of a fluffy white substance some people call "snow"
you own a hurricane tracking map
6 feet tall rodents wearing clothes are a common sight
you consider it cold when the temperature drops below 80 degrees
you hear "Orange County" and you think of Orlando, not L.A.
you own a surfboard or know someone who does
you know a homemade cure for sunburn
you've ever broken into a sweat walking from your front door to your car . . . in February
you demand a recount
you have a palm tree in your yard
the best restaurants in town have names like Crusty's or Fat Boy's
you know where a shuffle board court is located
you hear "casual attire" and think board shorts and a tank top
you own more than one pair of flip flops
you own a "good" pair of flip flops
you never leave home without your sunglasses and your umbrella
you've ever gone to the beach on your lunch break
you always carry a swimsuit in your car, just in case
your "winter coat" is known as a wind breaker in other parts of the country
the only suit you own is a wet suit

You might be from Iowa if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you are from a town that has nearly as many churches and bars as houses. (tommaher)
you bought a case of beer in one of those little towns when you were 16. (tommaher)
you live in a beautiful old house with transparent plastic sheeting over the stom windows. (tommaher)
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means driving through the Amanas, going to Adventureland or Okoboji.
You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
Snow tires are standard on your car.
You "go into town"
You have no concept of public transportation.
The only reason you go to Missouri is for fireworks
You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees out in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees.
You have gone trick-or-treating in 2 feet of snow.
You "warsh" your clothes.
State Wresting was a big deal at your high school
You measure distance in minutes
The nearest Gap and Ann Taylor are at least 90 minutes away
Down south to you means Missouri
You know several people who have hit a deer
You were allowed to get a "school permit" to drive at age 14 if you lived more than a mile from school
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Moines"
You could play "Iowa Bingo" with county road names when traveling from town to town (C65, D15, P36, N19, etc.)
You know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?"
Your school classes were canceled because of cold
Your school classes were canceled because of heat
You know what "Hawks" and "Clones" are.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July
Stores don't have bags, they have sacks
You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:"Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall I wanna go with."
All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or vegetable
Detassling was your first job
You've ever been on a "Geode Hunt"
Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice
You say catty wampes instead of kitty-corner
You learn your pickup will run without a muffler
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows
You drink "pop."
When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, "It was different."
Going to Target is your idea of FUN
Being a bit younger, you remember Terry Branstad as governor the whole time you were growing up.
You consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor.
People from other states love to hear you say "Iowa" and other words with "Os" in them.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what the numbers I-80, 280 and 380 mean
You know what "cow tipping" is

You might be from Las Vegas if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

You no longer associate bridges (or river) with water.
You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
You can make instant sun tea.
You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
You've ever been asked whether or not you live in a hotel.
Most of the moving walkways in your town aren't in the airport.
You can instantly recall the schedule for all of the free shows.
You can name at least three places to see white tigers, and none of them are zoos.
You're familiar with the proper procedures for killer bee attacks.
You can find more celebrities in your town at any given time than you can in Hollywood.
You see people dressed as Klingons, and there's no Star Trek convention, and it's not Halloween.
You wonder how confused future archaeologists will be when they dig up your town.
The only two Lakes you can name are "Mead" and "Bellagio".
Your town is basically a big garbage disposal for cash.
You know when the next building implosion is.
You know what lies beyond the Strip.

You might be in it for the money if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you have more pay banners on your site than lines of text.
you're an hourly employee who goes in to work whenever you have something to do. (As in: not work-related)
you run a side business using the company's computers, T1 internet connection, and two phone lines
you run an ISP from the above...
you make stock trades for other people from your computer at work on an hourly basis, and your job has nothing to do with the stock market.
you sell CALL options against the stock in your 401(k) plan. (I'm not too sure if this is actually possible with a 401(k)).
you're an accountant who brokers "inside information" during business hours. (I charge a 1% commision on all capital gains made, with a minimum fee of $5.00, for more information call (900) 555-BULL)
you're selling Mary Kay, Shaklee, Tupperware, and the Pampered Chef products at work, and have placed all of the product catalogs in all fifteen breakrooms in your building.
you requested a second line at your desk (to take phone orders for these products).
you're contracting for the year 2000...

You might be out of touch with reality if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you believe it when someone from a cult tells you "you won't have any worries anymore in your life!" (cyberfan)
you see your cat's lips move and you're positive that she's trying to communicate with you. (Lisa)
you prepared for your kid's college fund by buying her a lotto ticket. (Lisa)
you actually believe the world is going to end at 12:01am January 1, 2000...
...and you've taken all your money out of the bank "just in case it does." (maybe you *can* take it with you?)
you talk for ten minutes to the answering machine and wonder why no one is talking back. (doodlebug36)
you think that "Johnny B. Goode" was inspired by Marty McFly.
...you proceed to prove your hypothesis using the movie Back to the Future as a reference.
you keep yelling at everyone to shutup and leave you alone... and there is no one else in the room. (Scott, scope3) ...I can't concentrate because of the voices in my head

You might be under Microsoft control if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

you want to harm people who use Linux. (David Pollak, davidp)
you think that's a coincidence than StarOffice crashes under Windows 98.
Linux is FREE, but you've paid a collective $1000 to keep Windows up-to-date (Win 95, 98, 98 SE, Win ME)
you have an urge to destroy all competition. (Duck)
you think paying hundreds of dollars for updates every two years is okay. (cyberfan)
you're willing to pay full price for their software... Aren't most of us under Microsoft control whether we like it or not? (cyberfan)
you're happy with a web server that can go a full 24 hours between reboots.
Bill Gates is your hero. (scott2unme)
you think it's normal to pay thousands on software updates that will be out of date within the year. (cyberfan)
you see nothing wrong with the fact that FrontPage 98 can turn a 17 KB file into a 78 KB upon a save (adds <!--mstheme> tags...
you don't think FrontPage 97 should have to be Y2K compliant.
you've believed that Windows is modern technology
you consider a crash every few hours and losing all your work acceptable
you think hat 100Mb for a glorified text editor (Word) is acceptable
you think that crippling your 450Mhz quad-Pentium making it run as fast as an 8086 with DOS is acceptable
you think that getting a CD full of bug fixes for something that you just forked out $89.95 for is acceptable
while installing software, you think it is normal to reboot four times. (Japkin)
you think that Visual Basic is the most powerful language ever invented.

You might be underqualified for a fast-food job if...

Mon, 05 Oct 2026 15:32:46 +0000

someone orders a pepperoni pizza and you charge them for two toppings: the pepperoni and the cheese. (toaodman)
someone asks for a drink refill and you tell them to get it themselves. (toaodman)
when your customer asks for his change, you reply "Would you like fries with that?" every time.
you must constantly wear headphones instructing you to 'breathe' every few seconds. (Bryan)
you think that special sauce doubles as hand cream. (Dedon, Taver13)
you eat more food than you sell. (Visitor Submission)
when someone asks your name you HAVE to check your name tag. (Barbie, ValleGrly)
when you fill the customers orders you have to make a cheat sheet on your hand. (Barbie)
when ONE person comes in and order 20 sandwiches and 10 orders of fries you ask "IS THIS FOR HERE OR TO GO?" (Barbie)
... or you ask the same question when working the drive-through.
you answer all customer questions with a big blob of spit and an extended middle finger. (Ranger Zarkon)
you throw up in the deep fryer and forget to tell anyone. (Ranger Zarkon)
you stuff the burger patties down your trousers for a joke. (Ranger Zarkon)
your uniform doubles as your "going out" clothes (cyberx_lv426, Mike)
you think to yourself, "here's a job with a future." (Mike)
you think women like a man in a (_______) uniform. (Mike)
you can't figure out that a Bacon Whopper with Cheese has bacon, hamburger and cheese.
someone with a bill of $3.01 hands you a $5 bill and a penny, and you give them back a dollar bill and a bunch of change (especially if the change doesn't add up to a dollar)
no matter what a customer orders, you ask, "Do you want fries with that?"
...especially if you work at a pizza place.
your body has more grease than the fryer does (Rachel)
you spend more time scratching covered body parts than the food you're preparing.
you can't count to twenty with your shoes off.

Dungeon Crawler Reboot

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

A hi-def reboot of Moraff's World / Dungeons of the Unforgiven, from Oinkdog Studios. Very early days: expect a rudimentary work in progress.

Halloween Things That Sound Dirty But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

She's a goblin!
I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!
Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.
If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
You scared me stiff!
He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

The evolution of a C programmer

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Every C programmer grows up eventually. Here's the same function, factorial(6), as written at each stage of the journey.

/* Newbie programmer */
    #include <stdio.h>
    
    int factorial(int x) {
        if (x == 0) {
            return 1;
        } else {
            return x * factorial(x - 1);
        }
    }
    
    int main(void) {
        printf("%d\n", factorial(6));
        return 0;
    }

/* First year programmer, studied Python */
    #include <stdio.h>
    
    int main(void) {
        int result = 1;
        for (int i = 1; i <= 6; i = i + 1) {
            result = result * i;
        }
        printf("%d\n", result);
        return 0;
    }

/* K&R purist */
    #include <stdio.h>
    
    int fact(n)
    int n;
    {
        return n ? n * fact(n - 1) : 1;
    }
    
    main()
    {
        printf("%d\n", fact(6));
    }

/* Discovered pointers */
    #include <stdio.h>
    
    void fact(int n, int *out) {
        for (*out = 1; n; *out *= n--)
            ;
    }
    
    int main(void) {
        int result;
        fact(6, &result);
        printf("%d\n", result);
        return 0;
    }

/* Preprocessor wizard */
    #include <stdio.h>
    
    #define F0 1
    #define F1 (1 * F0)
    #define F2 (2 * F1)
    #define F3 (3 * F2)
    #define F4 (4 * F3)
    #define F5 (5 * F4)
    #define F6 (6 * F5)
    
    int main(void) {
        printf("%d\n", F6); /* computed at compile time, as God intended */
        return 0;
    }

/* Premature optimizer */
    #include <stdio.h>
    
    static const unsigned int FACTORIALS[] = {1, 1, 2, 6, 24, 120, 720};
    
    int main(void) {
        printf("%u\n", FACTORIALS[6]); /* O(1) */
        return 0;
    }

/* Embedded developer */
    #include <stdio.h>
    #include <stdint.h>
    
    int main(void) {
        uint16_t result = 1;   /* 720 fits; 9! doesn't. not my problem. */
        for (uint8_t i = 2; i <= 6; ++i)
            result *= i;
        printf("%u\n", (unsigned)result);
        return 0;
    }

/* Obfuscated C contest entrant */
    #include <stdio.h>
    f(n,r){for(r=1;n;r*=n--);return r;}main(){printf("%d\n",f(6));}

/* EXPERT PROGRAMMER */
    #include <stdio.h>
    #include <math.h>
    
    int main(void) {
        printf("%.0f\n", tgamma(7));
        return 0;
    }

See also: the evolution of a Python, Ruby, JavaScript, PHP or Perl programmer, and where this joke started, Fritz Ruehr's The Evolution of a Haskell Programmer (itself a riff on the old "Hello World" Evolution of a Programmer).

The evolution of a JavaScript programmer

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Every JavaScript programmer grows up eventually. Here's the same function, factorial(6), as written at each stage of the journey.

// Newbie programmer
    function factorial(x) {
      if (x == 0) {
        return 1;
      } else {
        return x * factorial(x - 1);
      }
    }
    document.write(factorial(6));

// First year programmer, studied Java
    class FactorialCalculator {
      constructor(number) {
        this.number = number;
      }
    
      getResult() {
        var result = 1;
        for (var i = 1; i <= this.number; i++) {
          result = result * i;
        }
        return result;
      }
    }
    console.log(new FactorialCalculator(6).getResult());

// Callback era
    function factorial(n, callback) {
      if (n <= 1) return setTimeout(function () { callback(1); }, 0);
      factorial(n - 1, function (result) {
        setTimeout(function () {
          callback(n * result);
        }, 0);
      });
    }
    factorial(6, function (result) { console.log(result); });

// Discovered Promises
    const factorial = (n) =>
      n <= 1
        ? Promise.resolve(1)
        : factorial(n - 1).then((result) => n * result);
    factorial(6).then(console.log);

// async/await convert
    async function factorial(n) {
      let result = 1;
      for (let i = 2; i <= n; i++) {
        result *= await i; // just to be safe
      }
      return result;
    }
    factorial(6).then(console.log);

// ES6 one-liner
    const f = (n) => (n ? n * f(n - 1) : 1);
    console.log(f(6));

// Functional programmer
    console.log(
      Array.from({ length: 6 }, (_, i) => i + 1).reduce((a, b) => a * b, 1)
    );

// Precision pedant
    const f = (n) => (n ? n * f(n - 1n) : 1n);
    console.log(String(f(6n)));

// npm developer
    // $ npm install factorial-of
    // added 1,284 packages, and audited 1,285 packages in 41s
    // 87 vulnerabilities (12 low, 43 moderate, 32 high)
    const factorialOf = require("factorial-of");
    console.log(factorialOf(6));

// EXPERT PROGRAMMER
    console.log(720);

See also: the evolution of a Python, Ruby, PHP, C or Perl programmer, and where this joke started, Fritz Ruehr's The Evolution of a Haskell Programmer (itself a riff on the old "Hello World" Evolution of a Programmer).

The evolution of a Perl programmer

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Every Perl programmer grows up eventually. Here's the same function, factorial(6), as written at each stage of the journey.

# Newbie programmer
    sub factorial {
        my $x = shift;
        if ($x == 0) {
            return 1;
        } else {
            return $x * factorial($x - 1);
        }
    }
    print factorial(6), "\n";

# First year programmer, studied C
    use strict;
    use warnings;
    
    my $result = 1;
    for (my $i = 1; $i <= 6; $i++) {
        $result = $result * $i;
    }
    print "$result\n";

# Discovered objects
    package Factorial;
    sub new    { my ($class, $n) = @_; return bless { n => $n }, $class }
    sub result { my $self = shift; my $r = 1; $r *= $_ for 1 .. $self->{n}; $r }
    
    package main;
    print Factorial->new(6)->result, "\n";

# Regex wizard
    my ($n, $f) = ("6", 1);
    $f *= $& while $n =~ s/^[1-9]\d*$/$& - 1/e;
    print "$f\n";

# Perl golfer
    $r=1;$r*=$_ for 1..6;print"$r\n"

# Discovered List::Util
    use List::Util qw(reduce);
    print reduce { $a * $b } 1 .. 6;
    print "\n";

# There's more than one way to do it
    print eval(join '*', 1 .. 6), "\n";

# EXPERT PROGRAMMER
    use Math::BigInt;
    print Math::BigInt->new(6)->bfac, "\n";

See also: the evolution of a Python, Ruby, JavaScript, PHP or C programmer, and where this joke started, Fritz Ruehr's The Evolution of a Haskell Programmer (itself a riff on the old "Hello World" Evolution of a Programmer).

The evolution of a PHP programmer

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Every PHP programmer grows up eventually. Here's the same function, factorial(6), as written at each stage of the journey.

<?php
    // Newbie programmer
    function factorial($x) {
        if ($x == 0) {
            return 1;
        } else {
            return $x * factorial($x - 1);
        }
    }
    echo factorial(6);

<?php
    // PHP 4 veteran
    $n = 6;
    function factorial() {
        global $n, $result;
        $result = 1;
        for ($i = 1; $i <= $n; $i++) {
            $result = $result * $i;
        }
    }
    factorial();
    echo $result;

<?php
    // Copied it from a forum in 2003
    $n = @$_GET['n'] ? @$_GET['n'] : 6; // TODO: validate input??
    $f = 1; for ($i = 2; $i <= $n; $i++) $f *= $i;
    echo "<b>" . $f . "</b>";

<?php
    // Discovered design patterns
    interface FactorialStrategy {
        public function calculate(int $n): int;
    }
    
    class IterativeFactorialStrategy implements FactorialStrategy {
        public function calculate(int $n): int {
            $result = 1;
            for ($i = 2; $i <= $n; $i++) {
                $result *= $i;
            }
            return $result;
        }
    }
    
    class FactorialStrategyFactory {
        public static function create(): FactorialStrategy {
            return new IterativeFactorialStrategy();
        }
    }
    
    echo FactorialStrategyFactory::create()->calculate(6);

<?php
    // Modern PHP 8 developer
    declare(strict_types=1);
    
    function factorial(int $n): int {
        return match (true) {
            $n <= 1 => 1,
            default => $n * factorial($n - 1),
        };
    }
    echo factorial(6);

<?php
    // Functional PHP developer
    echo array_reduce(range(1, 6), fn($carry, $i) => $carry * $i, 1);

<?php
    // EXPERT PROGRAMMER
    echo array_product(range(1, 6));

See also: the evolution of a Python, Ruby, JavaScript, C or Perl programmer, and where this joke started, Fritz Ruehr's The Evolution of a Haskell Programmer (itself a riff on the old "Hello World" Evolution of a Programmer).

The evolution of a Ruby programmer

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Every Ruby programmer grows up eventually. Here's the same function, factorial(6), as written at each stage of the journey.

# Newbie programmer
    def factorial(x)
      if x == 0
        return 1
      else
        return x * factorial(x - 1)
      end
    end
    puts factorial(6)

# First year programmer, studied Java
    class FactorialCalculator
      def initialize(number)
        @number = number
      end
    
      def getResult()
        result = 1
        i = 1
        while i <= @number
          result = result * i
          i = i + 1
        end
        return result
      end
    end
    calculator = FactorialCalculator.new(6)
    puts(calculator.getResult())

# Perl refugee
    $n = 6; $r = 1
    $r *= $n and $n -= 1 while $n > 0
    puts $r

# Discovered blocks last week
    result = 1
    1.upto(6) { |i| result *= i }
    puts result

# Idiomatic Rubyist
    def factorial(n) = (1..n).reduce(1, :*)
    puts factorial(6)

# Rails developer
    # rails generate model Factorial n:integer result:integer
    # rails db:migrate
    class Integer
      def factorial = (1..self).reduce(1, :*)
    end
    puts 6.factorial

# Functional programming convert
    fact = ->(f) { ->(n) { n.zero? ? 1 : n * f.(f).(n - 1) } }
    puts fact.(fact).(6)

# Metaprogrammer
    class Integer
      define_method(:!) { (1..self).reduce(1, :*) }
    end
    puts !6  # math notation, finally

# Test-driven developer
    require "minitest/autorun"
    
    def factorial(n) = n == 6 ? 720 : raise(NotImplementedError)
    
    class FactorialTest < Minitest::Test
      def test_factorial = assert_equal(720, factorial(6))
    end
    # 1 runs, 1 assertions, 0 failures. Ship it.

# EXPERT PROGRAMMER
    puts Math.gamma(7).to_i

See also: the evolution of a Python, JavaScript, PHP, C or Perl programmer, and where this joke started, Fritz Ruehr's The Evolution of a Haskell Programmer (itself a riff on the old "Hello World" Evolution of a Programmer).

Things That Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Reach in and grab the giblets.
Whew... that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
"And he forces his way into the end zone."
She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down.
It's cool whip time!
If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst.
It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty in Climbing But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

I'll need plenty of protection for this one.
Want to use my rope or yours?
Go ahead and tie in while I get my protection out.
I hate it when my protection fails!
That crack is big enough for your whole fist.
I'm getting tired of hanging here, but I want to try it one more time.
Better take a good selection of nuts.
I wish I hadn't lost that piece of protection in the crack.
Make sure you anchor in; I'm a lot heavier than you.
Wow, what a great crack!

Submitted by Tom Wheeler.

Reader submissions

Wow, Nice Rack! (Laura)
"Can you give me a belay?" (Greg Stemler)
Wow, did you see that girl's rack. (Habib)
Can I see your balls. (Habib)
Did you see the way she fingered that crack. (Habib)
I need to clean my balls. (Habib)
Said to a girl "hey, you got white stuff all over your face". (Habib)
What a greasy crack. (Habib)
Said to a girl "hey, can I use your rack for awhile?". (Habib)
Help me get tied in. (Habib)
You'll like this harness. (Habib)
My fist just wouldn't fit, so I went to a hand jam. (Doug Robertson)
"You'll need some of my nuts for that crack." (Jim & Laura)
Your the best belay I've ever had. (Paul Jacobson)
Said to Bobbi Bensman: Hey, nice rack, how much did it cost? (Devin Wood)
"I'm greasing out of this crack, take me." (Ken Ford)
"Finger the crack and then reach for the knob." (Ken Ford)
"I'll need my micro friend for this crack." (Ken Ford)
"The only thing that will fit in that crack is a big bro." (Ken Ford)
"Use your nut tool to get the protection out of that crack." (Ken Ford)
"This crack is so wide that you have to squeeze your whole body into it." (Ken Ford)
"Time to use 'Big Mama' (the name of my #5 Camelot)" (Ken Ford)
"That crack looks nasty." (Ken Ford)
"It is a nice crack, except that it was little slimy." (Ken Ford)
"Swing your tool and flick it at the end to really make it stick." (Ken Ford)
"Lock off on tool and then reach for the knob." (Ken Ford)
Heard on a route: "if you can get your legs up a bit and a bit further apart..." (R. Dulieu)
"This thing dangling gets in the way" (R. Dulieu)
Heard from a tent while using a thermarest: "it stayed hard all night" (R. Dulieu)
Boy, you really jammed your nut into this crack (Timothy Norwood)
This crack really needs to be cleaned! (Timothy Norwood)
Man buying aid gear: "I have a hooker but I need some protection to go with it."
"Spread you legs far apart to stay balanced on this part of the climb. If you want to you can place a cam in that crack."

Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty on Christmas, But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Did you get any under the tree?
I think your balls are hanging too low.
Check out Rudolph's honker!
Santa's sack is really bulging.
Lift up the skirt so I can get a clean breath.
Did you get a piece of the fruitcake?
I love licking the end till it's really sharp and pointy.
From here you can't tell if they're artificial or real.
Can I interest you in some dark meat?
To get it to stand up straight, try propping it against the wall.

Top Ten Signs Your Company Is in Trouble

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

You can tell if your company is in real trouble if it's like this:

Your performance-related bonus: grocery coupons from last Sunday's paper.
The rats in the canteen are mumbling, "We're outta here."
Printed at the bottom of your paycheck: "Tune in next time for the shocking finale."
The receptionist has started asking visitors, "Do you want fries with that?"
Last year's Christmas party was held in the parking lot, where you were served Rice-a-Roni and Kool Aid.
The bank suggests that instead of creating new or better products, the company raise money with a bake sale.
Your ads read, "We lost less than Nick Leeson."
The CEO tries to cover business lunches with food stamps.
The CFO's latest plan for raising venture capital: goes to Wall Street with a Styrofoam cup and a sign reading, "Wife and 400 employees to support."
Stationery cabinet now stocked with large cardboard signs reading, "Will work for food."

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Nuts! ...my shaft is bent.
After 18 holes I can barely walk.
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
Look at the size of his putter.
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!

"Always wash your wood and balls before strokin it." -- Bren Nordgren

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Have you looked through her briefs?
He is one hard judge.
Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
Is it a penal offense?
Better leave the handcuffs on.
For $200 an hour, she better be good.
Can you get him to drop his suit?
The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
Think you can get me off?

Top Ten: Things That Sound Dirty at the Office But Aren't

Wed, 30 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

I need to whip it out by 5!
Mind if I use your laptop?
Put it in my box before I leave.
If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
I want it on my desk, NOW!
HMMMMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.
My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
It's an entry-level position.
When do you think you'll be getting off today?
It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

3D SameGame

Tue, 29 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

SameGame on a 12x12x12 cube: rotate it, then clear groups of two or more same-colored cubes as the rest fall in toward the center.

Hexagons Game

Tue, 29 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Clear a honeycomb board by clicking groups of two or more same-colored hexagons.

101 Uses for AOL Disks

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! - you've got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use metal door and discard the plastic case... the "rich nerd" look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Bookmark.
Mini frisbee.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Dart board.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
Wrist slicer - after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
Conversation piece for coffee table.
Destroy them - smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
Clay pigeons for target practice.
Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Firewood.
Bird house.
Paper weights.
Pen holders (make a box without a top).
Post it-notes holder.
Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
Keep 'em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon -- actually works).
Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your car's hood).
Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
Hand them out as party favors.
Hidden/spare key holder (crack open 1 side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe... who would want an AOL disk?)
Vertical blinds.
Be an AOL diskette surgeon and dissect a diskette.
Bench press weights (I can press 120).
Grind 'em up and refertilize the front lawn.
The new "Domino's stuffed-crust pizza" filling.
Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
Brake shoes.
House insulation.
Recycle them for the scrap metal.
Kitchen tile for Bill Gates' new mansion in Seatle (walk all over the competition).
Hockey Puck.
Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk... makes the perfect pet.
Poker chips.
Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
Keychain (put a key ring through one of the writeprotect holes and you've got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
Mail to 10 friends - start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
Dental floss (use actual disk).
Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
Use them to fill potholes.
Hood ornament.
Snow blower replacement blades.
Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
Rubik's cube case (make into box).
Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
Snack trays (great for holding hors d'oeuvres at parties).
Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who piss you off.
Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2" apart and apply honey to disks).
Pocket protector.
They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbor's back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Wax scraper for snowboards.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City underwater.
Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
Row markers for your vegetable garden (carrots, beans, peas...).
Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center - use about 100).
Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).
Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.

Free Browser Games

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Free games to play in your browser, no download.

Most popular pages

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

The most-visited pages on YouMightBe.com, by hit counter.

Other Humor Sites

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

A links directory from the original site, listing other humor sites the site recommended in 2003.

Collections and Mailing Lists

Riponsomeone.com - Send your friends a virtual insult
Bizarre Pictures
Amir's One Happenin' Site
Pun of the Day, funny joke of the day, huge free archive of funny one-liners
You Must Be Joking!
AAA Jokes Mailing List - AAA Jokes is the internet's funniest humor ezine.
Joke-Lists Plus - Get the Best Joke Emails on the Net.
PC Humor Daily Joke List - Tons of clean jokes and adult jokes.
Joe's Jokes daily joke mailing list
Stupidity Epitimizied
One Liners and Proverbs
The Jokes Barn - Making The World Funnier, One Joke at a Time!

Getting Back at Bad Drivers

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON -- if you haven't done something listed on this site, you probably haven't driven much (if at all).
D.U.D.s -- Database of Unsafe Driving -- if some bad driver just completely ruined your day, you can add that driver to the list.

Computer Illiteracy

Computer Stupidities -- top notch archive for all of the tech support nightmares.
Tech's Support -- shorter stories, many re-runs, but entertaining nonetheless.
Tech Tales -- amazingly large "longer stories" archive.

Job Humor

Product Bashing

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

One-liners, ad slogans, and product bashing -- from the original site.

On Windows NT (4.0)

The most stable operating system that will run absolutely nothing.
...But not on absolutely nothing: 384 MB RAM, Dual-PII 400, 11.4 GB HD recommended.
All this from the company that abandoned OS/2.
Plug 'n play? Are you kidding?
All the headaches of Unix, but in a pretty, windowed environment.
It doesn't support Plug 'n Play modems, but it will run on multiprocessor system.
...We support Plug 'n Play devices, just not Plug 'n Play...

On Windows 95

Don't get used to anything, we're just going to change it for Windows 98.
The operating system that started out being backwards compatible, and ended up incompatible.
It's taken us this long to copy the work we did for Apple, and we almost got it right this time!

On Windows 97

Buy Windows 98.
More vapor here than at the mouth of a gas can.
It seemed reasonable back in '92.
It's the government's fault that we won't be able to release on time.

On Windows 98

Buy Windows 99.
Honest... We'll ship it to you someday. In the meantime, how would you like to buy a copy of Windows 3.1?
...It doesn't require you to have Internet Explorer on your system.
This time, it really is the government's fault that we're not releasing on time.

On OS/2

A Microsoft Beta Test at IBM's expense.
The dinosaur that doesn't realize it's extinct.
The root cause of the only guilty feelings Microsoft has: after all, they started it.
We haven't changed our interface like Microsoft keeps doing.
...And it's not because we lack creativity.

On Unix

At least our operating system comes with source code.
You want windows, we'll do windows.
Commands that are rough on the memory, light on the fingers.
The only glitch in the modern computer world that Bill Gates cannot be held responsible for.

On Visual Basic 5.0

The language to learn if you don't want to learn a language.
All of the features of Object-Oriented programming, without the inconvenience of a structured programming language.
Same old basic, with a few stolen ideas from Pascal and C++ and a few prepackaged API calls.
Your applications will run up to fifty times faster -- never mind the fact that they took an hour to run before.
Any inadequacies in previous versions were not intentional, and absolutely not put there to make this release look better.
Why use a compiler that includes standard controls, when you can purchase them individually instead?

On Visual C++

For all of you that are above "simple" development environments like Visual Basic, we bring you our version of C++.
So improved, we dare you to try to do anything that we haven't already implemented.
We don't really work on this product because Visual Basic is so much more profitable.

On Internet Explorer (4.0)

Sorry that it took four releases <snicker> to get a product that works.
1,500,000 beta versions and counting!
2,000 "final releases" and counting.
As a result of our recent success, we've hired one thousand monkeys previously assigned to duplicating the entire works of Shakespeare.
We're not really interested in the browser business. We just felt like making another company suffer.
Why use that other browser when we'll revoke your license to use our operating system if you do?

Quordle Guesser

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

The same thing for Quordle: nine shared guesses scored against four boards at once.

Signs You Might Be Too Canadian

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

NOTE from the original page: "This is the original 'You Might Be Too Canadian' list. You may have seen copies (revised and non-revised) floating around on mailing lists or on personal web sites. If you'd like to post this list on your site or publish it elsewhere, remember to credit us." -- Stand On Guard, standonguard.com

You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You hum David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme in the shower.
You make up patriotic lyrics to go along with David Foster's '88 Calgary Olympics theme.
You cried when Gus "drowned" on Road To Avonlea.
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
You think there isn't enough of Peter Gzowski to go around.
You think it's normal to have a grain elevator in your backyard.
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.
You spend hours in the dark making scale models of the Avro Arrow and cursing the Diefenbaker government.
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "what's good enough protection for the Prime Minister, is good enough for me!"
You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favourites, "Burnt Toast!", "You know I canna read a word...", "One day we have tar paper roof!" and "Kanata".
You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean!!
You advocate the abolition of responsible government, in favour of monarchist rule.
You think there isn't enough Queen on our currency.
You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the Hinterland Who's Who spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
You participate in Participaction!
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You think Lloyd Robertson is sexy.
You think Peter Kent is sexy.
You think Matt Damon is so-so.
You stood in line for hours for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You think Great Big Sea isn't Maritime-centric enough.
Your graduation formal dress was made of flannel.
Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if they edited out your carefully prepared rant against the Harris government.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You still haven't taken down your "NON" posters from the '95 Referendum.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You think Ashley MacIssac isn't celtic enough.
You remember "Jodie" from Today's Special and wonder why you keep seeing her reading news on the CBC.
You can do the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-marinki-dinki-do".
You know why "killerwhaletank" is funny.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You had a crush on Joey Jeremiah from Degrassi Junior High.
You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few months early.
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards. You wonder why Stompin' Tom doesn't get his own category in all three. You scream passionately at the television when your favourite Canadian performers are overlooked by their respective academies.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
You think -10 C is mild weather.
You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
You know the ingredients for poutine.
You automatically read 'Z' as 'Zed' and don't give a damn that it doesn't rhyme with "now I know my abcs".
You know what happens in the Evergreen Forest when Bert Raccoon wakes up.
You dressed as Bruno Gerussi for Halloween. You spent hours sifting through garbage on the beach to prepare for the role.
You substitute beer for water when cooking.
You carry empty beer cans from your camping trips home with you in your backpack so you can recycle them when you reach civilization.
You know that the 'Extra Creamy' in Kraft Extra Creamy Dinner is 'add more milk.'
You prefer Elvis Stojko when he has 'hockey hair' -- a.k.a. 'the mullet' or 'the shorty-longback'.
You brag about the sweet herb in BC.
You know the chorus of "The Log Driver's Waltz" and are particularly fond of the 'burling down and down' bit.
You steal stationery from your Government of Canada co-operative education placement because you figure you can find lots of uses for paper with 'Human Resources Development Canada/Developpement des Ressources Humaines Canada' written at the top.
You know where "that theme" is from (from a Real Audio clip linked on the original page).
You are moved to tears by those Bell Canada phone commercials they show around Remembrance Day, where the grandson calls his grandad from Dieppe. You understand the manipulative nature of the advertisement, but continue to be moved, nonetheless.
You stay up until midnight (the end of some television station broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.
You get up at 5:00 am (the beginning of broadcasting hours) to hear the Canadian national anthem.
You spit angrily when Americans say "ruff" instead of the correct "roof".
You have daydreams that film-maker Don McKellar, and Hugh Dillon from The Headstones, skinned and ate Regis and Kathie Lee.
You recognize: CPP, RSP, and CCM.
You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.
Your gravy boat is shaped like the Bluenose.
You refuse to consume chocolate that doesn't come in either Smarties, Coffee Crisp, or Laura Secord format.
You die a little inside if you can't get your Tims double-double.
You know the difference between real snow and "television" snow -- the white stuff that passes for snow on tv and in films. You scream, "For Christsake! That should be sticking to their pants!" and "Lookit, it's not melting! That's *so* not snow!" when watching 'Winter' scenes.
Someone accidentally stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize.
You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
You know who Foster Hewitt is.
You read rather than scanned this list.

Top 10+ Lists

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

An index of Top Ten-style lists, from the original site.

Outside pages

Top Ten Signs That You Might Be Addicted to the Internet

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

You write a letter that says something like "dear tom, hiyas! how r u doin"
You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws of Life.
Someone at work/school tells a joke and you say, "LOL."
You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization or complete sentences.
You double click your TV remote.
Your answering machine message is something to the effect of "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL."
You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online -- even before you drink your cup of Java.
You smile sideways.
Tech Support calls YOU for help.
Being called a newbie is a MAJOR insult.

Word Puzzle Helpers

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Free word-puzzle helpers for Word Whomp, Wordle and Quordle.

Word Search

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

A 10x10 word search hiding ten words from one of the site's own lists -- cat lovers, Trekkies, band geeks and more.

Word Whomp Helper

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Enter up to 6 letters (any order) and get every dictionary word buildable from them.

Word Whomp Whackdown

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Trace words through touching tiles on a honeycomb board -- Easy (2/3/2, 7 tiles) or Normal (3/4/3, 10 tiles).

Word Whomp Whackdown Helper (Easy)

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Same idea, but for the 7-letter honeycomb puzzle -- only follows words through adjacent cells.

Wordle Guesser

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Click tiles to mark your Wordle guesses gray/yellow/green and see which five-letter words still fit.

You Know You Watch Too Much Anime When...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

...you can speak intelligently in Japanese about spirits, demons, war, death, tournaments, magic, and profoundly soppy love affairs, but the prospect of buying a movie ticket leaves you tongue-tied.
..."hai," "baka," and "hentai" come to your lips so easily that sometimes you have difficulty remembering what the English words are.
...none of your friends study Japanese, but thanks to you, they all have 50-word vocabularies.
...and if they used them in front of their moms, they'd get their mouths washed out with soap.
...you go native, to the point of buying Japanese rice in 20-pound bags and clearing all of the furniture out of your living room so you can sit on the floor.
...it's 3 am, and you and your best friend are on the brink of a fistfight over whether Ranma-chan or Ranma-kun is cuter.
...you have a Ranma outfit.
...and so does your significant other.
...you're keeping an eye on your little sister for signs of slacking off during school, making eyes at the school's only bishonen, and disappearing suspiciously often for "slumber parties," because if she becomes a magic girl, you want in on the action.
...your friends stage an intervention.
...but only because they want your tapes.
...some poor ex-mugger still hears the words "LEKKA SHINEN!" in his nightmares.
...you never bothered getting your new apartment hooked up to cable, and even Babylon 5 is a take-it-or-leave-it thing... but anyone who gets in the way of your mission to get the next Slayers volume is dead.
...only, if you'd written the last sentence, you would have worded it, "Anyone who gets in my way is Nakago."
...you've contemplated growing your hair long so that you can put it up in dumplings.
...and you're a guy.
...you feel like less of a woman because you can't put away 5,000 calories in one sitting.
...you're despondent because your chances to become an anime heroine are completely shot -- you can cook.
...you refer to 21 as "over the hill," and get more depressed the closer that day comes; you're not ready to join the forces of evil, dammit!
...it's not a bad hair day, it's a Zelgadis hair day.
...your parents draw you aside and ask you whether you're a Satanist, since all of those symbols you practice drawing in your notebooks look awfully suspicious to them.
...your kids think that cartoons are supposed to have writing at the bottom.

You Know You're In Arizona When...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

You've signed so many petitions to recall governors you can't remember the name of the incumbent.
You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
You can say "Hohokam" and people don't think you're laughing funny.
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
You see more irrigation water on the street than there is in the Salt River.
You know a swamp cooler is not a happy hour drink.
You can hear the weather forecast of 115 degrees without flinching.
You can be in the snow, then drive for an hour... and it'll be over 100 degrees.
You have to go to a fake beach for some fake waves.
You discover, in July, that it only takes two fingers to drive your car.
You know you can make sun tea instantly.
You run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so you can use your fireplace.
The best parking place is determined by shade -- not distance.
You realize that "Valley Fever" isn't a disco dance.
Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.
You can pronounce the words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "San Xavier", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim" and "Cholla".
It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and yet all the streets are totally empty of both people and cars.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
Sunscreen is sold year round, kept right at the checkout counter.
Sunscreen w/a formula less than 50 spf is a joke.
You put on fresh sunscreen just to go check the mailbox.
Some fool can market mini-misters for joggers and some other fools will actually buy them.
Worse -- some fools actually try to jog.
You know that hot air balloons can't rise, because the air temperature is hotter than the air inside the balloon.
No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car.
You can understand the reason for a town named "Why".

You Might Be a Civil War Reenactor - IF

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

If your $20,000 car sits out in the weather so your $200 tent can stay in the garage...you might be a reenactor.
If you drive by some open land and think, "What a great place for a Battle!"...
If most of the clothes you own went out of style over 135 years ago...
If you've made a vehicle purchase decision based on how well it can accomodate your tent poles...
If you've ever uttered the phrase, "only 68 more days til our next event"...
If sleeping in a leaky tent in the rain and mud is your idea of a fun Saturday night...
If you've ever worn wool when the temperature tops 100 repeatedly...
If there are half-completed sewing projects decorating your furniture...
If you've ever made a career decision based on its impact on your reenacting weekends...
If your friends refuse to attend any historic movie dramas with you...
If you can spot 100% wool at 30 yards...
If your kids can correct their history teachers...
If your mailman is confused as to what rank you hold in the reserves...
If you have been asked at a gas station if you're Amish...
If your birthday and Christmas list reads like a quartermaster's request for supplies...
If you believe that your brogans are the most comfortable shoes that you own... you might be a reenactor.

You might be a college student if...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
If you consider Mac and cheese a balanced meal.
If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal plastic cups (i.e. Olympic Dream Team I or II).
If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
If you can't remember the last time you washed your car.
If you can pack your worldly possessions into the back of a pick-up (one trip).
If you average less than 3 hours of sleep a night.
If your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
If you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a week.
If you eat at the cafeteria because it's "free" even though it sucks.
If you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
If you wake up 10 minutes before class.
If your social life consists of a date with the library.
If you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing them.
If your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to class.
If your idea of doing your hair is putting on a baseball cap.
If it takes a shovel to find the floor of your room.
If you carry less than a dollar on you at all times because that's all you have.
If you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swimsuit to class.
If your midnight snack is microwave popcorn.
If you celebrate when you find a quarter.
If your room is so cold that your toilet freezes over.
If you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itself.
If your backpack is giving you Scoliosis.
If you get more sleep in class than in your room.
If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles.
If you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereo.
If you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homes.
If you get more e-mail than mail...

You Might Be A Furry Fan/Lifestyler If...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Note from the original page: "Except for a few lines that are clearly marked as having been contributed by others, all lines on this page are original to Cloudchaser Shaconage." It also linked out to the "You Might Be A Redneck If based humor lists" -- i.e. this very site.

YOU MIGHT BE A FURRY FAN IF...

If there is not one single suit, tie, dress or other article of clothing in your closet, just fursuits.
If you've ever wished that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would do another live action rock concert tour like they did back in 1990.
If you've ever bought an album by Jeff Foxworthy, Steppenwolf, Vixen etc. or have gone to one of their performances and were disappointed when you found out that they're humans, especially Vixen.
If your favorite online emoticons all have an equals sign on both ends to indicate whiskers =^o^=
If you prefer buying and using equipment and tools the brand names of which are that of animals (Huskey, Husqvarna, Garden Weasel, John Deere, etc.)
If you would like to see Disney do a live action big budget remake of Robin Hood like they did with 101 Dalmatians, and depending on what sex you are, you would like to go out on a date with either the actor who plays Robin Hood or the actress who plays Maid Marian, provided they wear their on-camera fursuits during the whole date.
If you were overjoyed at the news of the Redwall novels by author Brian Jacques coming out on animated TV & video.
If songs such as Ted Nugent's "Cat Scratch Fever" and Metallica's "Of Wolf and Man" are among your most favorite songs not because you like the music, but simply because of furry content in the lyrics.
If you refer to sitting on the toilet as "Skunking the restroom."
If you've ever attended a performance by the Tap Dogs or bought one of their videos and you were disappointed that they aren't canosapiens.
If you attend a performance of the Broadway musical "CATS" or buy the video and you're disappointed that they are humans in good costumes and not real felosapiens.
If, when it comes to portable laptops, you'll only use Vixen computers.
If you play Altered Beast just to eventually transform into the Golden Werewolf.
If you use a domain with an animal name for e-mail and webspace.
If you have your last name changed to an animal name like Wolf, Fox or Huskey for example.
If you refer to young children and other newbies as "still wet behind the ears" because it's an animal related expression.
If you set your computer's browser to automatically go to a furry website as soon as you turn it on.
If your entire social life involves associating with other furries.
If you're disappointed that Purina Deer Chow isn't made with real venison.
If you think that "muzzleloader" refers to one who eats too much.
If you've ever taken out a loan to be able to go to a furry convention.
If you think that the best part of the 2002 Winter Olympics opening ceremonies was the skaters wearing coyote and cougar fursuits.
If you consider Primal to be your primary language.
If you request to be buried wearing your tail, ears, fursuit, furry t-shirt or with other furry paraphernalia.
If your fursuit costs more than your car.

Contributed by others (posted with permission of the authors):

If you write furry-themed computer programs. (FoxWolf, alt.lifestyle.furry, Apr 1998)
If you go camping and actually want bears to enter the campground. (Startiger, alt.lifestyle.furry, 6 May 1998)
If you stay up all night watching bears raid the dumpster. (Startiger, alt.lifestyle.furry, 6 May 1998)
If someone calls you an animal and you like it. (Arden Scentaur, alt.lifestyle.furry, early May 1998)
If you think that Oreos and Nutella are two of the five basic food groups. (Arden Scentaur, alt.lifestyle.furry, early May 1998)
If you can spell digitigrade, but not ankle. (Colm the Cannine Comedian)
If you cheer on the athletes during a showing of Animalympics. (Joshua D. Cutlip, snail mail, Sept 1998)
If you think the Chipettes are better than the Spice Girls. (Robert "Long Tail" Deardorff, snail mail, 30 Dec 1998)
If you're one of the lucky few who taped Capitol Critters and Fish Police. (Robert "Long Tail" Deardorff, snail mail, 30 Dec 1998)
If you think the N.W.O. Wolfpac is the best thing that happened to wrestling in years. (Robert "Long Tail" Deardorff, snail mail, 30 Dec 1998)
If you say "keep your tail on" to someone instead of "keep your pants/shirt on". (Jason Drumwar_Razor, email, 16 Feb '99)
You go to all the Kevin Bacon movies just because he was the voice of Balto. (Perriloux, alt.lifestyle.furry, 8/17/00)
You have a furry themed desktop. (Tasci Synx, alt.lifestyle.furry, 8/17/00)
You have a furry themed computer desk, with fuzzy monitor snug, and hoof-access keyboard.
Your computer understands growls and barks.
You wear a fursuit -- to formal occasions, to the bathroom, to bed, to your lover's bed.
You protest destruction of animal habitats -- and protest the protesters for tromping on animal burrows.
You might be a furry if you have a crush on one of the Animorphs because they sound like they'd be furry. (Razzek Mecotl, email, 4 Feb 2001)
You have a crush on fictitious characters like Simba, Nala, Balto, or anybeast from the Redwall books.
If you've ever used "Ptah!", "Grr!", "Feh!" or "Haugh!" as an expletive.
If you call your younger siblings/cousins or anybody younger than you a "cub", "kit", or "hatchling".

YOU MIGHT BE A FURRY LIFESTYLER IF...

"A furry 'lifestyle' is anything from having a deep emotional attachment to a certain animal to actually believing yourself to be in spirit a certain animal." -- Whisper, a Vixen, alt.lifestyle.furry, May '98

If you've ever filled out a Furvey.
If you've ever been refused entry into any business establishment because of the health department's "Handicap Service Animals Only" rule.
If you've ever tried to file a discrimination lawsuit against the health department because of their "Handicap Service Animals Only" rule.
If you prefer snacking on pet snacks to snacking on people snacks and you don't think it's unusual at all.
If you hear phrases like "Get your paws off..." and you automatically think they're talking about you even if they're not.
If you use flea and tick dip and shampoo on yourself.
If the smell of a skunk's scent is to you like perfume on a beautiful woman.
If the smell of dog -- even if it's wet -- is not offensive to you and in fact smells quite pleasant.
If you post to or lurk at the internet newsgroup alt.lifestyle.furry.
If you refer to an amorous female as being "in heat."
If your species is a species of canid and you refer to peeing as "hiking my leg" or "marking my territory".
If you get a cut, scrape or other injury and you lick it to clean it and to help it heal faster.
If you howl, yip, bark, etc. when greeting friends.
If you've ever wished that Silverwolf's "Furnetics Corp." were real and not fiction so that you can have yourself physically transformed into a true furry.
If you refer to being angry as barking, roaring or yowling, and being excited, angry or frightened as raising the fur on the back of one's neck.
If instead of "That really makes me happy!" you say "That really wags my tail!"
If you'll smile but you won't grin and show your teeth for fear that others will mistake it for a snarl.
If your doctor makes you wear one of those huge plastic collars after surgery so you can't lick or nip at your stitches.
If you refer to your doctor as "my veterinarian."
If you refer to your birthday as "my whelpday", "my hatchday", or whatever term is appropriate for your species.
If you've had or want to have your name legally changed to your furry name.
If your species is predatory and you refer to your food as "my kill" even if it came from a grocery store or restaurant.
If you own a Blackwolf & Decker Furdevil with the shed attachment.
If your bathtub has ever overflowed because you forgot to clean out the furtrap.
If you post to alt.lifestyle.furry on a regular basis.
If you post anything and/or send e-mail as your furry self instead of the human you used to be.
If terms such as "catfit" and "duckfit" have a whole different meaning for you.
If you consider phrases such as "Crazy Like A Fox" and "Crying Wolf" to be insulting, negative racial stereotypes.
If you think "skritching" is a socially acceptable way of showing affection.
If you think that it's perfectly normal to howl at the moon.
If you have a bumper sticker or T-shirt that says "You call me 'Bitch' like it's a bad thing."
If you think that "muzzleloader" and "overeater" mean the same thing.
If you use hairball treatment on yourself.
If, when you're sick, you go to see a veterinarian instead of a doctor.

Contributed by others (posted with permission of the authors):

Your wife howls at the moon more than your huntin' dogs. (unknown)
You communicate to your computer with growls and barks. (Tasci Synx, alt.lifestyle.furry, 8/17/00)
You make animal noises, then study animal noises.
You speak to animals -- and they answer.
You dream of being an anthropomorphic animal. You hallucinate of being an anthropomorphic animal. You are an anthropomorphic animal, despite what the men in white coats say.
You have a pet. You have 19 cats. You bathe with them, but your bathtub never gets used.
You growl when irritated. You howl when irritated. You froth at the mouth and go for the throat, when irritated.
Your ideal partner is a fellow furry. Your ideal partner is an anthropomorph. Your real partner is an anthropomorph. You think your real partner is an anthropomorph, despite what the men in white coats say.
Nature is your back yard. Nature is your house. Nature is your bathroom.
You think sports hunting is vile and evil. You think sports hunters are vile and evil. You think sports hunters are delicious.
You check every now and then to see if you have a tail. You check every hour to see if you have a tail.
You measure the length of your canine teeth daily.
You think genetics can make you furry. You think nanobots can make you furry. You think magic can make you furry. You think pure determination can make you furry.

Contributed by Argouru, email, 15 Mar 2001: "If you answer yes to more than 10% of this list. DEFINITELY if you don't care or are proud of this, incurable if you show off results to friends and family with the same pride you'd show of a diploma."

You might be a gamer if... (original Usenet list)

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

This started life as a Usenet post to rec.games.frp.misc in April 1995, "With love from all of my gaming groups, and contributions from most everyone I know..." It grew, over the following years, into one of the longest-running collaborative humor lists on the early web, with dozens of contributors adding to it by email through the late 1990s. What follows is the original founding list; the full archived page has everything else that was added to it afterward.

YOU MIGHT BE A GAMER IF...

...loosing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow.
...you could paper your bathroom in character sheets.
...you could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character.
...you are unable to walk past the latest TSR supplement without leafing through it, even though you know it's going to be bad.
...you have more entertaining "No-shit,-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than you do anecdotes about your family.
...you talk about your characters as if they are real people.
...you alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the third person.
...and none of your friends gets confused.
...you've ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game rules that you didn't like... and, as soon as the system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.
...when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the kind that they give you during a college final exam.
...you worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement.
...you burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard.
...you will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.
...you've ever seen the old AD&D tv series.
...you're still reading this list.
...you hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good role-play.
...you've ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in a game... (You are so dead! I am not dead!)
...you've ever neglected to buy the new edition of your favourite game because you already have three.
...you have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text.
...you keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system again. (Never mind that it's TS:SI)
...You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI.
...you have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even though you failed high school geometry.
..you can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session.
...you consider Altoids, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and blue Teeni Hugs a balanced diet. (or even an acceptable combination.)
...you have been known to drive to far away places where you paid enormous amounts of money for the privilege of sleeping on floors, eating crap, buying little pewter statues of Gandalf, and meeting dozens of psychopathic members of the alternate (or similar) sex who will follow you around for months, merely for the pleasure of playing with gamers you don't know.
...and then signed up en masse with all of your friends to play in games with game masters who you've known since high school.
...you own your own weight in gaming books.
...the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they know where you live.
...you can do AD&D money conversions in your head.
...you could wallpaper your bedroom in Dragon Mirths (tm).
...you consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great literature.
...you consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" the redeeming feature of Magic: The Gathering.
...you consider the 20th century a state of mind.
...you have a random NPC generator, written in BASIC, designed to run on the Trash-80 or the Commodore 64.
...you've ever designed your own character sheets.
...you can be more than three NPCs at the same time without generating more than reasonable confusion in your players.
...you have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or "beard" ANYWHERE in his or her name.
...you know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typing -- required a blood sample. I'm not getting it...)
...you've ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or other PW/OC (Person With/Out Clue).
...you've succeeded.
...you've played Talisman more than once.
...you've finished a game of Talisman.
...more than once.
...you're STILL reading this list.
...you can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.
...you've mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and had a THAC0 low enough to hit the 8HD monster, anyway...
...you understood that.
...you carry AD&D insurance.
...your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself.
...an 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.
...you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.
...you've ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that you like their character better than you do them.
...you have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or something similar.)
...you've ceased responding to your birth name.
...you spend more money on dice than on food.
...you sometimes forget what century this is.
...your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my axe."
...you know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.
...your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your conversations.
...you have more gaming books than the local hobby store.
...you've discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler.
...you knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than they can use?
...you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a: you thought it was funny b: your parents got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.
...you're sort of disappointed that you haven't reached the level where they start teaching you the real spells (as described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: you're sure you must be a high enough level.
...you've been gaming for more than half of your life.
...you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."
...the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories.
...you can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from "What's New With Phil & Dixie."
...you knew a female gamer once.
...you were a female gamer once.
...you tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and what have you as possible, just to confuse your friends.
...(For New Englanders only) you were able to find stuff at "Flock, Stock, and Barrel."
...you've been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative merits of Champions, V&V, Marvel, and DC heroes... ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are intrinsically sucky.
...you like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called them all "sucky."
...you've thought of four or five additions to this list.
...you actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first came out.
...you've ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a haemophiliac werewolf.
...someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and you immediately start thinking in terms of 10x10 squares.
...or 6'x6' hexes.
...your first thought upon walking into a friend's domicile is to reflect on where you'd put the machine-gun nest.

You Might be a Michigander if...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

Editor's notes from the original mailing-list archive page: "Thanks to Chuck Henrich for forwarding this one. Kolyan Das Gupta and I have made a few additions... Thanks to some exploration by Bob Talbert of the Detroit Free Press, I think we've found the author of at least a significant portion of this work: BOB KAZANOWSKI of Walled Lake, owner of Key Largo in Walled Lake and Mason's Bar and Grill in Livonia, wrote a letter early in the summer of 1996 to some friends who had just moved away that included many of these lines. Today, Bob Talbert had some more additions to the list, contributed by Carole Wiseman, owner of some Quickie Printing stores in Birmingham and Detroit, Mack King of Brighton, and Frank Webster of Detroit. -- Todd"

You Might be a Michigander if...

...you define Summer as three months of bad sledding.
...your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.
...your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!).
...snow tires come standard on all your cars.
...at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.
...you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.
...you can identify an Ohio accent.
...owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.
...you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike.
...you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder.
...you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you grew up.
...you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.
...someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
..."Down South" to you means Toledo.
...you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.
...octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball.
...traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon.
...you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "loopers".
...the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or Domino's, Little Caesar's and Hungry Howie's.
...a Big Mac is something you can drive across.
...you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.
...you had to get a passport and shots to go to Ohio.
...you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones.
...your kid's baseball and softball games have ever been snowed out.
...the trees in your backyard have spigots.
...you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.
...you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".
...you know what a pastie is.
...you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
...your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus.
...you have a favorite hockey team.
...you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's.
...you know what a Vernor's is.
...you know how to play Euchre.
...you know how to pronounce Euchre.
...you see nothing wrong with watching fireworks in Detroit on July 2nd.
...you find yourself incapable of throwing cans and bottles away when you are in another state.
...you use the term "party store" to describe a store where you buy snacks, beer and liquor.
...you know how to pronounce Sault Ste. Marie.
...you get excited about turning 19.
...you or your child has ever watched Sesame Street in French.
...you've used the term "Yooper."
...you've heard the band "Da Yoopers."
...you've ever told someone that your move to Alpena was a move to "a big city."
...you've totaled more than three cars bagging a deer.
...you met your spouse in a bowling alley.
...you can't understand why the government feels threatened by the Freemen.
...Paradise and Climax are not states but towns to you.
...Kazoo is not a toy, but a town (who actually calls it Kalamazoo anyway?).
...you refer to Ann Arbor as A2.
..."The Haven" is another term for Grand Haven, "Nasty Hatchet" for Bad Axe, and "Hazeltucky" for Hazel Park.
...Big Beaver is a road, not an animal.
...you call Lake Michigan the West Coast.
...you quote Sonny Elliot.
...a sunny day qualifies as a holiday.
...you know what city Birmingham Chrysler-Plymouth is in.
...you recognize these people by one name: J.P., Sonny, Soupy, Coleman, Rosa, Mitch, Mort, Eli, Sparky, Bo, Barry, Stevie, Gordie.
...you can really, honestly say that you've been to Hell and back.

You Might Be a Minnesotan if...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

You measure distance in minutes.
Weather is 80% of your conversation.
Down south to you means Iowa.
Snow tires came standard on your car.
You have no concept of public transportation.
75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.
People from other states love to hear you say words with "o"s in them.
You know what "Dinkytown" is.
"Perkins" is the only hangout option in high school.
You know what the word SPAM stands for.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You drink "POP".
The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks.
In conversations you hear someone say "Yah sure you betcha" and don't laugh.
Everyone you know has a cabin.
You assume when you say "The Cities" people know where you are referring to.
You don't understand the concept of merging or staying in your own lane.
You have no problem spelling "Minneapolis".
You can list all the "Dales".
You know what the numbers 6-94, 4-94, I-94, 3-94 mean.
You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees outside in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it gets below 60.
You have been trick-or-treated in three feet of snow.
When you talk about "opener" you are not talking about cans.
You've licked frozen metal.

You Might be a MiSTie if... (Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans)

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

"So how can you tell when you've gone whole hog, taken the plunge, and quietly metamorphed from a casual viewer of Mystery Science Theater 3000 into a dyed-in-the-wool MiSTie? This question arose on the old rec.arts.tv.mst3k newsgroup, which, in turn, spawned a cascade of answers... which, in further turn, led to the creation of this list!"

This grew into one of the largest fan-collaborative lists on the early web -- close to 300 entries by the final update. What follows is a substantial excerpt; the full archived page has everything else.

You MIGHT be a MiSTie if...

If, having seen or heard a reference to Joe Don Baker *MITCHELL!!!*, you have an uncontrollable urge to shout MITCHELL!!!
Or when you see Joe Don Baker in anything -- which gets really tiring when he's the "star" of the film.
If you can never take Joe Don Baker seriously anymore.
You're playing DOOM, and while running to avoid a hail of bullets, you start shouting "Ser-pen-tiiiiiiiiiine!"
A news report on open-air drug markets in DC being named "red zones" comes on and you immediately think "Red Zone DC?"
If you give your kids a 5 minute warning to get ready for school, then shout "Movie sign!" when the bus drives up.
If you stay up until 3 in the morning just so you can MST a financial scheme infomercial.
When you see a young couple embrace and you think to yourself, "Smoochers!"
If you can't sit through a soccer game without giggling at least once when the announcers refer to the space around the goal as "the area".
If you giggle whenever someone on TV talks about radar.
You riff "The Real Bowl".
You know all the words to the "Mentos" song.
You say "La La La" for no apparent reason.
You dress up as "Willy the Waffle" for Halloween.
Every time someone yells your name, you respond with "Chief? McCloud?"
Every time you get on a highway, you roll down the window and yell, "Do you want to go faster?"
Your pet name for your genitals is "Manos: The Genitals of Fate"!
Every time you get mail, you ask Cambot to put it on stillstore.
When you discover that every time you open a can of soda, or a jar, or a door that sticks, you say "Hai-keeba!"
You know the temperatures in the Twin Cities for EVERY airtime of the KTMA episodes.
If every time you see a vehicle larger than a firetruck, you yell: IT'S MEGAWEAPON!
You get strange looks from singing the "Big Head" song under your breath.
If you sing "Love Pads The Film." Out loud. In the theater.
You're at a cemetery and you start wandering around, calling out, "Puma? Puma?"
If you've become so critical of the media that you can't watch any movie, play, or TV show without seeing silhouettes of people in front of you.
If you can see the silhouette of the chairs and three heads across the bottom of your screen when the TV is off.
If you've made a cutout and taped it to the screen. If you've drawn it on with a magic marker!
You cut out the silhouette in Photoshop and "MiSTie" everything you can fit on a scanner.
You see a commercial for the Renaissance Festival and your first reaction is to shout "Huzzah!!"
If you actually think that wearing a jumpsuit would be COOL!
If you have no human friends.
When you go to used CD stores looking for a copy of Chunga's Revenge so you can understand all those Frank Zappa references.
If you can't listen to Newt Gingrich on NPR without adding scathing supplemental commentary to every break in the Speaker's talk.
You accidentally MiST in public.
If you can't see or hear the name *Mitchell* without immediately shouting it out loud!
When you cut your finger and you start yelling "My hand... my bloody hand!!!"
If you ALWAYS mutter, "Why don't they look?" whenever you see railroad tracks.
If every time you're at an event and the people start cheering, you bellow "And the crowd goes wild, yeaaaaa!"
You get a new computer which is much bigger than your old one, and your first impulse is to name it "Megaweapon".
You can't watch anything with Richard Basehart in it without cracking up.
You keep tapes of MST3K in your car just in case you need them.
You hear a Burger King commercial for "a flame-broiled Whopper sandwich" and without thinking, you add "....and some french-fried potatoes".
If you can recite the entire filmography of Edward D. Wood, Jr., from memory, but have never seen a Kurosawa film.
You can't turn off the TV at night without first uttering the phrase "Push the button, [insert own name here]."
If you yell "OHHHHHHH...WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!" every time you see a police car.
Every time you see someone walking in the dark with a flashlight, you yell out "NBC Mystery Movie!"
You think a chain of Torgo Pizza shops would be a great idea!
You find yourself humming or singing "Pants!"
If you can't say "It stinks!" without doing the "OK" sign.
If you say "It's the machine that goes 'ping'!" whenever your computer pings at you.
You can't pass raccoon roadkill without laughing.
If, whenever someone says "Hello", you respond with "Thank You".
You introduce yourself by saying "I'm Cherokee Jack!"
If your electric fan is made by SAMPO, and every time you turn it on, you shriek "WHERE IS THE SAMPO?"
You MiST a show you like. "I can't help doing this to The X Files. Needless to say, I watch it alone."
Every time some alarm or beeper goes off you say "Fries are done."
Every time you see Kung Fu action you say "Gymkata -- in color".
If you can't help humming "He's such a failure, failure, failure..." whenever someone messes up at ANYthing.
If you actually have a romantic dream involving Dr. Clayton Forrester.
If you see a picture of a factory on television and feel compelled to yell, "INDUSTRY!"
You've developed a deep emotional attachment to the gumball machine down at work.
Your wardrobe? Three words: jumpsuits, jumpsuits, jumpsuits!
Whenever anyone says they're hungry, you feel you must say "Listen, it's cold."
You refuse to date non-MSTies.
You just spontaneously shout "MITCHELL".
You name your pet goldfish Mike, Joel, Crow, Servo, and Gypsy.
You yell "We've got movie sign!" when you're about to watch a non-MST movie, even at the local cineplex.

The producers wish to thank the following for their (mostly unwitting) contributions: acuzod@aol.com, Captain Ahab, Peter H. Anspach, J. Anzaldi, Amy Ashton, Jonathan L. Bare, Mike Barklage, Bruce Baugh, Robert Bowell, Steve Brinich, Mary Virginia Burke, Marcus Canon, Jodan Cassavant, Ralph Castaneda, Bob Church, Mike Cohen, Cody in Maine Copper, The Cowans, creepygirl, Mike Czaplinski, Tammy Stephanie Davis, Kelly Donaghue, Matt (fRiNgE) Duhan, Maureen Dyokas, Chris Eckman, Greg Eichelberger, Kirk N. Eisenbeis, Doug Elrod, Dr. Kerry S. Estes, Dennis Fairall, Jonah Falcon, Bart Fargo, Christian Feuerstein, Ann Marie Fick, Force of Nature, Josh Forman, Jim Freeman, Sean Gaffney, Doug Gale, Sheryl Gere, Greg Gershowitz, Chad (Soundwave) Gould, Daniel L. Green, Sarah Heiner, Mathew Hennessy, Brandon Hewitt, Tony Hill, Mark Hughes, Mike Inglis, Lucy A. Jaffe, Lisa Jenkins, keaney, Rich Kegarise, Keiko, Cara Kienert, Walter Lackorn, Jeffrey Lampert, George Laster, Allison S. Leninger, Bill Livingston, Stacy Lucas, Desiree Lunsford, Mailcall, Tim Margheim, Tim Marquardt, Chris Mattern, Brian McGinty, Joe McMahon, Kevin J. Mest, Petrea Mitchell, John Moore, Kevin Mowery, Becky "Gypsy Jr." Mroczkowski, Phil Mueller, Greg Muir, Patrick J. Murphy, Jess Nevins, Russ Newhouse, Thomas Overbeck, Brian Pacula, Jamie Plummer, Queen Madissa, Rosemary Reeve, Paul Renner, Christopher Roberson, Tom Salyers, M Sampo, Kathy Sanderson, Terry L. Schanbacher, Noah Singman, Jason Alexander Smith, Thomas R. Sutton, T-Bone, Velia Tanner (and Friends), Matt Thiel, Aaron Thoreson, Rick Thorne, TikiTrader, Dan Traut, Trillian, Chad Van Wagner (aka Spork the Mango Weasel), Roger M. Wilcox, Eric Wilson, and Monty Wilson.

Special thanks to Jamie Plummer and Greg Gershowitz.

You might be a physics major if

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
...if you enjoy pain.
...if your pets lead more interesting lives than you do.
...if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
...if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
...if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
...if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
...if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
...if you always do homework on Friday nights.
...if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
...if you think in "math."
...if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
...if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
...if you have a pet named after a scientist.
...if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
...if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
...if you can translate English into Binary.
...if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
...if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
...If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
...if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
...if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
...if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
...if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
...if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
...if you understood more than five of these indicators.
...if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

You might be a STEELER fan...

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

From the original page: "This whole thing started out back in 1995 on the Steelers newsgroup... Our thanks to the contributors. No material will be used without gratuitous acknowledgement of the originator herein."

Part I: The Originals

The original post, from Dr Cos, circa 9/95:

You hate ANYTHING brown (except maybe chocolate milk).
You think "Green" is an expletive.
You think "Greene" is an exclamation.
You believe that if "Cowher Power" could be harnessed, we wouldn't need alternative energy sources.
You subscribe to the "ROD is GOD" theology.
You know what the phrase "3 more yards" means.
You share the feeling that Vinny Testaverde/Bill Belichicken are the two best things to happen to the clowns (from a 3 Rivers point of view)...

From: Pat Vest <thoreau@thoreau.seanet.com>

The colors at your wedding are Black and Gold.
Your idea of dressing up is putting on a new Steeler jersey.
Your life began with the immaculate reception.
You name your kid Lynn Swann.
You sing the fight song "We're from the town with the great football team..." at all social functions.

From: Russell J Steele <rsah+@andrew.cmu.edu>

If all of your kids are named after Steelers linebackers (even the girls).
If you remember important dates in your life by dates in Steelers history.
If you run around the office pouncing on co-workers and yelling in their ears "You failed to AVOID LLOYD!!"
If you have ever gotten fired for punching your boss just because he said "the Browns and Raiders aren't that bad."
If going to church means putting on a Steeler's hard hat, painting your tummy black and gold and going tailgating at 7:30 A.M. for a Sunday night game.
If you still wake up nights in a cold sweat swearing about Dennis Gibson and Barry Foster.
If you become so excited about the season you begin to shake in anticipation for the first day of training camp.

From: Kramer <c597456@showme.missouri.edu>

You go into uncontrollable spasms when you hear the words "Mark Malone" or "Cliff Stoudt".

From: Cindy Schwenk (schwenk@mesa.k12.az.us)

When you spend an extra $100 to change your travel arrangements so you can use those 'free' tickets to a Steeler home game.
You take every opportunity to rub it in to your boss, who's a Browns fan.

From: Steve R Montreal (stever@alpha2.csd.uwm.edu)

You choose lottery numbers based on the jersey numbers of your favorite players.
When the Steelers' playoff games are on TV, your family has to leave the house.
You still haven't been able to watch your taped copy of the Charger game.

From: BlueMonstr (bluemonstr@aol.com)

You drive all your Southern California co-workers nuts because as the new season approaches you tell them every minute detail about the team you love so much.

From: "stryker gregory ; undc" <gstryk1@gl.umbc.edu>

If you got excited when the Browns unloaded Kosar for Vinny!
If you sleep with a Terrible Towel!
You dump your significant other after learning that they are secretly a Browns fan.
If you eat black and gold!

From: Pat Vest <thoreau@thoreau.seanet.com>

You marry a Cowboys fan and convert her.

From: MILLER (mille922@cs.uidaho.edu)

You once got in a fight because the other guy had the audacity to wear his Bengal jacket in front of you.
You memorize telephone numbers by remembering the current Steelers jersey numbers that correspond.
You've made a lot of money betting on the Steelers, especially Atlanta on Monday night.
You chuckle and shake your head uncontrollably when you hear the name "Carlson".
You wish you knew where Lasko was.
You think Carnell Lake might as well be put in the Hall of Fame now!
You get excited, start sweating, your throat gets dry, and your fingers start twitching when you hear the date September 4th.
You live in IDAHO and communicate with Steeler fans every day!

From: V'Ali Ford (valley@tomcat.engin.umich.edu)

You stay up nights wondering how we got into the '84 AFC Championship game.
You stay up nights wondering where Louis Lipps is and can he make a comeback.
You can't listen to music groups like Three Dog Night and Snoop Doggy Dogg because of its implications.
You deprive your roommates of watching 90210 marathons to watch Steeler games.
You invite CJ to catch your first born child at birth.
You've never been to a Steeler game and you're STILL a 16 year fan.

From: Brian Lytle <blytle@ee.net>

When you plan to go to the Football Hall of Fame (Steelers' Wing) for your honeymoon! True story.

From: Robert S Houk (rshouk@iastate.edu)

Your favorite "cosmetic" is toilet paper with a rival quarterback's picture on every sheet.

From: Lane Kelly (lkelly@infi.net)

If you own a shirt that has a picture of Bubby Brister on it and it says "Yes We Can!"
You have Myron Cope's autograph.
During your wedding vows, you blurt out "Umhah!" or "Yoy and Double Yoy!"
You take a terrible towel to the beach.
You purchased one of those hideous "throwback uniforms."
Your license plate says 14THUMB.
You remember when Terry had hair.
When your son gives you a soda, you throw your sweaty shirt at him.
You buy Iron City beer (because it has Lambert on the can).
You get excited about some guy named "Yancey."
You have Cowher Power.

You Might Be Thrifty

Mon, 28 Sep 2026 12:00:00 +0000

You've probably never wondered if you're thrifty -- you either know already, or really don't care. Still, it might be interesting to find out if your thrifty gene is dominant or recessive. So here goes. You might be thrifty if:
Your thermostat is turned so low that when you leave your home in winter, you always have to remove some layers of clothing before putting on your coat.
Or, you don't have to bother putting on your coat, because you're already wearing it.
You save soap shards in a little container. And later on you actually use them.
You really hate to take out the garbage: all that waste!
You've made a freebies site your home or start-up page.
You secretly enjoy sorting through your recyclables. And you hate having to throw away something that you know in your heart should be recyclable, but isn't, at least not where you live.
You have set aside a space in your home for all the stuff you might be able to use someday.
A full composter creates feelings of ambivalence: yes, you're happy that you've finally managed to fill the thing, but now what are you going to do with all that kitchen waste? (You seriously consider getting another composter. Or even a bunch of little composters.)
You have more coupons than money in your wallet.
You collect something. It may even be something that others see as having little or no value. (And if you're really thrifty, it's probably something that others see as having little or no value.)
You have a home business, and take advantage of all the tax breaks.
You save all those complimentary cd's from AOL and other internet companies, even though you have no intention of using them to connect online. Instead, you make a note to construct a mobile out of them.
You already have a mobile made out of old cd's.
You've signed up for at least one "paid to surf" type program. (I'm spending all that time online anyway: why not get paid for it?)
You can tell at a glance if a roll of quarters has exactly 40 coins in it.
You think aluminum cans should be considered legal tender.
You have a budget. And you actually stick to it. (Well, most of the time anyway.)
At least one of your New Year's Resolutions has something to do with finances.
None of your New Year's resolutions are about finances. (That would be like making a New Year's resolution so you won't forget to breathe.)
Your Score: If you recognized yourself at all in any of the above, congratulations! Your thrifty gene is working for you. With care and nurturing, its influence will grow in your life. If you recognized yourself a lot, then your thrifty gene is dominant. Not much effort is required to maintain a thrifty lifestyle. And if you recognized yourself 16 or more times? You may actually have too much of a good thing.

You Might Be a Film Student if...

Mon, 17 Sep 2012 12:00:00 +0000

You expect to starve for the rest of your life.
Your friends never heard of your favorite movies.
You want to push a baby carriage down some steps.
At a wedding, you go to the father of the bride and say, "I would like to thank
you for inviting me on the day of your daughter's wedding."
You call your sled "Rosebud".
You get tired of people thinking that Rocky is the only film with a montage.
You get annoyed when people think that montage is merely a way of passing time.
You call your computer \"hall\"
You run and duck when you watch any movie that involves a train pulling into a station.
Metropolis is your idea of awesome special effects.
You watch a movie only because snobs with fancy college degrees tell you to.
You've taken adderal to sit through a slow film.
Your friends don't get your movie references.
You watch a movie scene and you're the only one of your friends to know what movie the scene was referencing.
You actually know what movies these jokes are referncing.

You might be from New Jersey if...

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 12:00:00 +0000

you've been seriously injured at Action Park.
you know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from New York(usually The Bronx)or Texas.
you don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges."
you know that it's called "Great Adventure," not "Six Flags."
you've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
you've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
you've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
whenever you park, there's a Camaro within three spots of you.
you remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison.
you know that the state isn't one big oil refinery.
at least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
you know what a "jug handle" is.
you know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
you know that the state isn't all farmland.
you know that it isnt "The Beach" in New Jersey - it's the shore, and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway" not "The Garden State Highway."
you know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree.
even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs, and, you call it a "sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagie" or a "hero."
you remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
you know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
you knew that the last question had to do with driving.
you know that "Acme" is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
you know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try ...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire (doesn't work, does it?).
you only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City."
you consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
in the 80's you wore your hair REALLY high. (wait, didn't everybody??)
you don't think "What exit" (do you live near?) is very funny.
you know that the real first "strip shopping center" in the country is Route 22.
you know that people from 609 area code are "a little different."
you know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters.
the Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
you live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
you can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
you refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
you know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
you've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
you've eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
you have a favorite Atlantic City casino.
you start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
you've never pumped your own gas. (Chris) Took me forever to get this one...
you know how to navigate a circle while talking on a cell phone and smoking a Marlboro w/o using blinkers. (Mandie)
every 3 miles you drive there is a deserted mall.
most really nice homes have a gas station and a junk yard next door to them.
you never tell the truth about what state you're from when strangers ask you in a chatroom.
most of your cash is in dimes and quarters.
even after moving to California, you still carry a separate change purse full of quarters and dimes for tolls. (Diane)
you learned to drive by backing out of your driveway onto a 50 MPH road. (visitor submission)
you have the shop install lumps and dents into your fenders so others will know that you have the strength in convinction to change lanes. (visitor submission)
you take kick-boxing lessons hoping someone will tell you the two weeks in New Jersey prize joke. (visitor submission)
you know where highway 9 is from that Bruce Springsteen song.
you have ever shopped at Wawa.

You might be making your coworkers uncomfortable if...

Wed, 06 Jul 2011 12:00:00 +0000

you reply to all on e-mail announcements about the death of a co-worker's family member with something like, "It's about time."
you publicly insist that your employer recognize your chronic body odor as a disability.
you enthusiastically pleasure yourself whenever someone hands you a memo.
you give yourself a really cool nickname and refuse to answer to anything else. The nickname should always include your nationality. Examples: The Italian Stallion or The Canadian Bacon.
you bring in all of your GI Joe action figures from your childhood days. At your desk, stage full scale battles complete with pyrotechnics. Demand paid time off to bury your dead.
you approach people randomly and ask them to smell your index finger.
you drive a motor scooter to work wearing a leather jacket with "Bad to the Bone" embroidered on the back.
you refuse to zip your fly because your "little friend" is claustrophobic.
you wash your hands in the urinal.
you discard any roadkill from your morning commute in your cubicle's waste basket.
you push your desk away from any direct sunlight because "it burns so bad."
you wear all black and sacrifice small animals to the paper shredder gods.
you wear a rain bonnet because you've never trusted the filthy bastards that design fire sprinklers.
you walk up to peoples' desks, look at pictures of their children and ask them who the hell they think they are, procreating.
you answer the phone, "I am the angel of the death. The hour of reckoning is upon us. How may I help you?"
you fall asleep at your desk. Wake up screaming, "GOOSE, I CAN'T REACH THE EJECTION HANDLE!!! EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!!!"
you demand special treatment because you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of years of measuring fish while serving in the coast guard.
you enter the company day care center, look at the children and announce, "One of your parent's was just killed in a horrible accident." Turn around and leave.
turn your cubicle into a fort. Install a secret entrance and post a "Girls Have Cooties" sign.
ask a coworker if you can borrow their left shoe.
start a nasty rumor about your boss having an affair with the janitor just to see how much the story changes by the time it gets back to you.
during meetings, flatulate loudly, fan it toward your coworkers and ask them to guess what you had for breakfast.
you set up Star Wars action figures around your desk and sit around making Darth Vader breathing noises... Occasionally, you mumble something about crushing the rebellion and take out a group of action figures with a toy light saber.

Predicting the End of the World / Rapture in 1988?

Fri, 20 May 2011 12:00:00 +0000

The wonderful thing about modern technology, i.e., the printing press, is that your arrogance can be committed to permanent record and mass produced.

Suggest a You Might Be... Humor List

Mon, 25 Apr 2011 12:00:00 +0000

YouMightBe.com is always looking for new material.

Submit a title along with a list here, one item per line. If you'd like credit, put your name in parentheses after an item -- that's how the lists on this site already credit contributors.

Please don't copy some other site's list, unless you can verify that you are the site owner.

"Shit Happens" from a Social Media Perspective

Thu, 17 Mar 2011 12:00:00 +0000

In the style of the Shit Happens list:

Foursquare:

I am mayor of this toilet.

Twitter:

That Mexican food hit me wrong. (Someone who is keen on maintaining their "personal brand")
I need to shit. (Everyone else)

Facebook:

The inside joke type: "The Nope strikes again." [where your inside crowd nickname for a Mexican place goes in the bold italics.]
- 3 people "Like" this shit.
The vague, but obvious reference: "Glade Floral Scent rocks."
No apologies: "I Shit"

Tumblr:

Whoa... somebody didn't flush their shit. Hey, everybody, check this shit out!

StumbleUpon:

Post your toilet and have random people shit in it.

Digg:

You: This shit is awesome. Others: I'm going to bury your shit.

LinkedIn:

Excellent at making sure I flush my shit.

Quora:

Why is there corn in my shit?

See also:

You might be a Trekkie if...

Fri, 28 Jan 2011 12:00:00 +0000

you've been to KLI.org .

...you created the KLI.org site .

...you've submitted corrections to KLI.org .

you actually know that the prime directive isn't "to boldly go where no man has gone before" and what it actually is.

you know who Barkeley is and what happened to him.

you're certain that the shooting star you just saw was an exploding borg cube.

you and any of your friends have a discussion over which is more correct "Trekkies or Trekkers."

you actually saw the movie "Trekkies" in the theater.

...or boycotted the movie theater showing it.

you've built a life size replica of Captain Pike's wheel chair.

you've ever pulled the legs of your hamster because you always wanted a tribble.

Nurse Chapel / Deanna Troi / Beverly Crusher / Dax is your Dream Woman.

...if you asked "which one?" to the last one.

...if you came name more than 10 females that I missed.

you know who Ashley Judd is, because of her appearance on The Next Generation.

you can name the bridge crew for the original series.

you can name the members of each bridge crew and their rank for the Next Generation series.

you can name the bridge crew, their rank, and their species for Voyager.

you know the different classes of starships.

you also know the top warp speed, inertial damper tolerances, and standard weaponry of each class.

you own a Star Fleet manual...

you read The Physics of Star Trek and came up with counter arguments to the mentions of General Relativity as it applies to Star Trek.

you've had more Gene Roddenberry sightings than the Enquirer has had Elvis sightings.

you've ever worn a pair of Vulcan Ears..

you have even gotten mad at someone and told them "You will be assimilated."

Snow Portmanteau

Thu, 20 Jan 2011 12:00:00 +0000

The following are ways of expressing the snow hysteria (especially on Twitter):

snOMG
snowmageddon
snoWTF
ohsnowudidnt
snoverkill
snowicane
snopacalypse

Added:

Some other snow portmanteau may be found on A Daily Portmanteau: Snowmenclature, including: snovice, snowhere, snowonder, snowbegone, snowmad, state of snomergency, snoway, snovacaine, snoxious, snowbotomy, snooky, snowcreation, snaction...
From TSNONami - tSNOnami, SNOzilla, SNOlycrap, SNOtards, SNOverated, SNOverreaction, SNOverestimated, SNOthingsgonnahappen, SNOba_fett, SNObalWarming, SNOblivion, SNOproblem, SNOwayinhell, SNOtoriousBIG, SNOf__kyourself, SNOflakes, SNOcoholics, SNOtography, SNOtos.

You might be annoying your Facebook friends if...

Wed, 05 Jan 2011 12:00:00 +0000

You standard response to any emergency is to post its occurrence as your status, then deal with the emergency.
...bonus points if you solicit advice for handling the emergency via Facebook.
You take every "What kind of .... are you?" quiz possible, including the "What kind of chia pet are you??" quiz. (I'm hope that I'm making that one up.)
You update statuses like a misguided Twitter addict.
You spam all of your friends with app requests so that you can unlock the next level of super pokes.
You keep answering 21 questions about your friends in a paranoid attempt to find out who thinks you would fart in public.
You spend more time playing Farmville than most people spend awake.
You insist on posting inappropriate things that your mom, who is your Facebook friend, feels compelled to respond to.
You've friended your disgruntled exes and regularly start awkward passive-aggressive rants about them.
You participate in every "post this as your status if" trend as if there was some "breaking the chain letter" curse for not doing so.
"25 things about me" was way too little information about yourself, so you fill out more lists that require you to tag your friends in your troubling revelations, making them collateral damage.
You rant about how stupid people are in your status, misspelling every other word.
You seem to think that every one of your "friends" would be interested in joining your fringe political movement, and attempt to persuade by derision of those too meek to stand up and join you.
You regularly feel compelled to post things that reveal too much information about things no one wants to know about. (Hint: If it came out of your body unexpectedly or happened when you were at least half-naked, the rest of us probably don't want to know.)

You might be from Los Angeles if...

Mon, 03 Jan 2011 12:00:00 +0000

This list is from the mid-90s as obvious from the third item...

you know it's best not to be on the 405 at 4:05 pm.
getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes".
EVERYONE you know owns a pager and/or cell phone.
you know what neighborhood someone lives in by the degree of damage incurred during the riots.
you've inadvertently learned Spanish.
you've got to bring the cat/plants in when it drops to 55 degrees.
in the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.
you've bumped into a celebrity at El Pollo Loco.
you know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.
after an earthquake, everyone has a pretty good idea what it measured on the Richter scale.
your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros.
your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're definitely driving.
you have a gym membership because it's mandatory.
your TV show is interrupted by a police chase.
you can't fall asleep without the lull of a helicopter flying overhead.
you were housebound during the "melathion" sprayings.
you know people who have a ridiculous number of piercings/tattoos/guns.
when tourists ask where they can get souvenirs, you direct them to Venice Beach.
you know someone named Freedom, Rainbow, Persephone or Destiny.
you've trespassed through private property to get to the "Hollywood" sign.
you've partied in Tijuana at least once.
you know Hollywood has a "lake".
you don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
you've lost your car in the Century City Shopping Center parking lot.
you've ever bought oranges, flowers, cherries or peanuts on a freeway off-ramp.

You might be a Monty Python fan if...

Mon, 13 Dec 2010 12:00:00 +0000

everytime you want to change the subject you say "and now for something completely different"
you named your website Weasels and Spit
when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you've been doing you've ever replied "I just spent four hours buryin' the cat" (and enjoyed the strange look you got)
you have ever responded to someone asking where something is by saying "Is it behind the rabbit?"
your birthday/Christmas wish list has "a holy hand granade" as your number one wish.
all of your comebacks/insults are in an "outrageous accent."
somebody wishes to move past you (vehicle, etc.) you quote the bridge scene.
when someone asks your name you say "(in a thundering voice) Some people call me. . . (quieter) [your name here].
if you find yourself saying "NI" to people that you don't like
you have a perfect cockney accent... and you've never been to England
you find yourself saying "tis only a scratch" when you are bleeding to death and laughing about it through the pain
you have all the CD's with songs on them, and people catch you singing them to yourself.
you watched "As Good As It Gets" and snickered when Jack Nicholson played "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," not because of the irony of it all, but because you remember the song from "Life of Brian."

66+ signs you've been in the [marching] band too long

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Started by: Lori Dyer

When you hear music and you start marking time.
When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them.
When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
When all your friends are in the band.
When you don't mind changing clothes on the bus.
When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
When every guy/girl you're interested in is in the band.
When you like wearing your uniform.
When people ask you about your social life and you say, "Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?"
When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
When someone hits a wrong note and you chew them out for an hour.
When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
When people worry when they see you without you instrument.
When "armed guard," means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
When band camp is FUN.
When you answer to "Band Nerd."
When someone says the words "atten hut" and you automatically put your head up.
When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
When your mouth is frozen to your mouth piece, and it feels normal.
When left slides or right back slides feel normal.
When your instrument has a name.
When you remember your instrument's birthday and forget your mom's.
When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.
When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
When you give your instrument a birthday party.
When you can make white shoes look black.
When your uniform fits.
When black feathers become a fashion "do".
When you see your section more than you see your family.
When everyone wants to kill the other football team...and you want to kill the other band.
When you have dreams about early morning marching band.
When you think morning practices should start a half-hour earlier.
When you accidentally call your band director "Dad".
When you CAN sight-read.
When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.
When reeds taste good.
When you have a band song stuck in your head, and you tap your foot to the beat.
When you think your plume is alive.
When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
When numbers past 8 aren't important.
When you're more opinionated about the Madison vs. American Fork Bands than the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don't spill your lunch.
When you'd rather practice than read this list.
When letters past G aren't important.
When the only class you look forward to is band.
When you actually like marching band and would kill to do it all year long.
When you wonder what life would be like if you weren't in band.
When you roll step while you walk to class.
When you major in music.
When you use your high school band director as a role model.
When those stupid "band humor" jokes are the funniest things you've ever heard.
When you pick the instruments from the music in cartoons.
When you start screaming "LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" to the people that walk in front of you on the way to class.
When you've dated everyone in the band and now wonder if you're ever going to have another date.
When you think the trumpeters have a right to be egotistical.
When you don't think the flutist have a slight attitude problem.
When you change your instrument to the tuba.
When you have perfect pitch.
When the band director is always right.
When you marry that special someone in your section.
When you have kids and force them to be in music.
When you get the jokes on this list.
when you aren't sure which is more dangerous a girl with a flag or a guy with a gun!

You might be Filipino if...

Wed, 15 Sep 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you don't see a problem with spaghetti [with sauce], white rice, and fried chicken on the same plate.
you take brownies to non-Filipino potluck dinners.
you have a cartful of corned beef during a sale.
you say kutex instead of nail polish.
you are stumped when asked what kind of bread in a deli.
you're the plane passenger with the largest hand-carry luggage.
you scratch your head when you don't know what you're doing.
you don't want to eat the last piece of food on the plate, but offer it to others.
you say "she" when you should say "he"
you say "ano" this and "ano" that
you put your hands together and point them in the direction you are walking to pass between other people
you say that everybody is your cousin/niece/nephew/aunt/uncle/...
you have a big Buddha at home for good luck( not the serene Buddha like what the Thais have, but the big, fat, laughing one with those pesky little kids crawling all over him).
you bring a "baon" to work everyday.
your ice cold beer really has ice cubes in it.
you eat balut and wash it down with beer to bulk up.
you have a parol hanging outside your house during the Christmas holidays.
you say things sorta backwards like towelpaper instead of papertowel and stick bread instead of breadsticks.
you say guper instead of gopher.
you eat rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
you say "aray" instead of "ouch ".
you look up and say "ha!" when somebody says "what's up".
you write "Filipino" but pronounce it as "Pilipino".
you can sustain jokes like this one indefinitely.
you often say 'Bulaga!' when you want to scare someone.
you fire your gun like crazy on new year's eve
you drive a jeep with your family name written on the back.
you preceed anything pluralized with "mga."
you put a little bowl of patis on the table for dipping, and your guests complain "who farted."
you cover your living room furniture with bed sheets.
you have toyo circles on your table cloths.
you wash and reuse disposable styrofoam cups, forks and spoons and of course, aluminum wrapper (Reynolds wrap) or cover paper plates with waxed paper so you can reuse it.
you cover your carpet floors with plastic liners.

Also:

your house smells like mothballs [I think we switched to cedar, but still, the mothball smell remains.]

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Thu, 29 Jul 2010 12:00:00 +0000

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You might be computer illiterate if...

Thu, 10 Jun 2010 12:00:00 +0000

A list from 10+ years ago...

you slide the mouse pad over when the mouse gets to the edge.
there is writing on the white-out on your screen
you can't figure out what a colon followed by a minus sign and a parenthesis means :-)
someone asks you how to cut and paste, you say "just use scissors and glue."
you try to squash your disk to compress files in it.
you scream "Bloody hell! What have i done wrong THIS time, you ***** computer?" every time your computer spits out "error".
you own your computer only 5 minutes before you crash it. (Lisa)
you try to find a game and can't, and you hit the monitor and scream, "Why won't you work?!?" (Lisa)
when the screen saver comes on you're almost positive that your computer really did crash this time.
if there is white out on your computer screen. (Visitor submission)
if you don't use Windows because you religiously don't believe in icons. (Dave Tibbs)
you wonder who General Protection Fault is and what the hell the army wants from you.
the only reason you hang out with that *geek* next door is because he will fix your computer for free (Amy R.).
you think your mouse is a foot pedal (Jason)
you own a Macintosh (Visitor Submission: Doc Holiday) (please don't flame me on this one.)
you think the computer from which virus came actually created the virus (it's all a conspiracy).
you think modem usage will show up on your phone bill.
you think the "escape" key will beam you out of the building in case of fire.
you don't know where the "any" key is.
you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell Windows 95 what to do.
you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell DOS what to do.
you use AOL disks as coasters. (Also a sign that you're a computer geek.)
you've used the CD-ROM tray as a cup holder.
you think Dilbert creates artificially high standards for managers.
you think laser printers receive print commands by laser beam.
you've ever tried to play a CD-ROM in a stereo.
you've ever tried to talk to a modem on the other end of the line.
you went shopping for Microsoft Bob for Dummies...
...and you really needed it.
you think Microsoft Windows is a rip-off, because it never does what you want it to. (Geeks have this problem too.)
Someone gives you a 5-1/4" Floppy and you fold it to fit in your 3-1/2" Drive and wonder why the drive doesn't work. (Michael M.)
You immediately move to Mexico or Canada because you got an "Illegal Operation" error on your computer screen. (Jay)

Coffee personalities of the cubicle dweller

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 12:00:00 +0000

[caption id="attachment_287" align="alignleft" width="88" caption="HARIO Hand Grinder on Amazon"][/caption]

"Who moved my coffee" - Scurries in and out of the break room every five minutes to see if coffee has been made yet. Moves quickly to avoid being identified as someone who has seen the empty coffee pots and yet not made a pot of coffee. Related to The person with a phobia of making coffee.

The person with a phobia of making coffee - Leaves 2+ nearly empty pots on active burners after getting coffee, before 9am. If the coffee maker is already in such a state, will discreetly duck into the bathroom or wait 5 minutes for someone else to make a pot or two. Sometimes will turn off the burners or pull the filter basket out to "save energy" or hint that someone needs to make coffee.

The busy bee coffee maker - The opposite of the "phobia" person. Feels compelled to always ensure that all pots are full of fresh coffee. Will occasionally dump out a 1/2 pot that looks "old" to make this happen.

The dependent decaf drinker - As any dependent coffee drinker, drags self to the coffee maker, desperate for that morning boost, and grabs the DECAF pot.

The cheery decaf drinker - Acts about as cheery as someone who's had a quad shot of espresso for the first time and walks up for a refill of decaf.

The half and half drinker - Probably uses coffee as an excuse for his half and half habit. Frozen coffee drinks at major chain stores are usually darker.

The burn off drinker - will drink the mostly evaporated sludge at the bottom of the pot. Sources are unclear whether this is a preference or laziness.

The "save energy because it's after 10am" coffee drinker - Sometimes this is a cover for a phobia of making coffee. Other times, this is a reincarnation of your parents or grandparents who chased you around the house turning off everything you turned on. The 3pm coffee maker - Sometimes gets offended that a bulk of the office population stops drinking coffee after lunch and grumbles about having to make coffee. Other times, it's a simple conditioned response from years of drinking coffee at coffee houses after 9 pm.

The tea drinker - Sends coffee drinkers in a panic when lining up for the last cup of coffee, only to use the hot water spout to make tea.

The oatmeal eater who uses a coffee mug - Same effect as the tea drinker, although the motivation seems a little more sinister.

The overpowering flavored coffee brewer - Brews coffee that taints the flavor of every pot brewed the remainder of the day, as well as tainting the air in 5,000 square feet of office space.

Inspired by Ben Thomas' suggestions:

The procedural purist - Scolds anyone who takes from the pot early or uses the hot water tap on the coffee maker while coffee is brewing.

The accidental barista - Knows that a coffee house would brew at at least twice the coffee-to-water ratio that the pre-measured packs imply, and thusly, uses two packs of coffee per brew.

Some additional late additions

The soup mug coffee drinker - Drinks coffee out of a coffee mug [see Campbell's Soup Mug]. While this serving size is no different than the 16-20 oz coffee tumbler, the clear advantage to this soup mug is the larger exposed surface area to aid in rapid cooling [as opposed to a tumbler which might be expected to keep the coffee warm for a longer period before the coffee is consumed].

The soda drinker - avoids the coffee area altogether, but sometimes stashes a cold soda in the refrigerator, and therefore, has to navigate the herd of people waiting for the coffee. Shakes head in amazement at such a dependency on a nasty brown liquid whilst scampering off with own artificially colored/flavored/carbonated water.

The coffee punter - sees an empty pot, sets it on top of the coffee maker to say, "Hey, someone needs to make coffee." Walks off.

The absent-minded coffee maker - sees an empty pot on the second burner and a half-full pot on the brewing burner, makes a fresh pot of coffee with the half-full pot underneath. Everything near the coffee maker ends up with a permanent coffee coloring and/or smell.

You might be a teacher if...

Sun, 16 May 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way they are," after meeting the parents.
you've ever said "Put that gum on your nose!"
...outside of the classroom.
you can't have children because there is no name you can think of that doesn't give you high blood pressure.
you believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on report cards.
you think people should get government permits before they can reproduce.
you hand pieces of paper to your friends and make them spit out their gum in front of you.
your voice is permanently set on high volume from attempting to be heard over students' voices day after day.
you're more strict with the kids at school than at home.
you correct a total stranger's grammar errors.
when you go shopping and your kids spot a friend, the kid's parents come over and say hi, and you don't remember ever meeting them.
you're more strict with the kids at school than at home.
your correct a total stranger's grammar errors.
when you go shopping and your kids spot a friend, the kid's parents come over and say hi, and you don't remember ever meeting them.
any sustained loud noise causes you to impulsively flick the light switch on and off.
you think it's normal to go through four years of college to earn a salary that's below the poverty line.
you send another adult to detention for using four-letter words in public...
... and they go.
you cringe whenever someone says, "At least you give three months vacation."
...or "I would love to get off work at 3."
(most) people allow you to tell their child what to do.

You might be from Wisconsin if...

Sun, 16 May 2010 12:00:00 +0000

This is an old submission from around 10 years ago or more...

you have gotten frostbitten and sunburned all in the same week.
you have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
you owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
you refer to the Packers as "we."
your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
snow tires come standard on all your cars.
you know what cowtipping is.
traveling coast to coast means going from La Crosse to Milwaukee.
you know what a bubbler is.
a brat is something you eat.
you only know three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.
your sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightshirt.
you know that Eau Claire is not something you eat.
you have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
you consider Madison exotic.
you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
you were unaware there is a legal drinking age.
you go out for fish fry every Friday.
you know what to do with a Blatz.
you can recognize someone from Illinois from their driving.
you know how to polka.
you think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
at least twice a year, your kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
you know where Waukesha is AND can pronounce it.
you can visit Luxemburg, Holland, Belgium, Denmark, Berlin, New London & Poland all in one afternoon.
you've seen mosquitoes with landing lights.
the local paper covers major headlines on 1 page, but requires 4 pages for sports. you drink soda and refer to your dad as "pop."
formal wear is blue jeans & a baseball cap.
your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
you find 0 degrees a little chilly.
you actually understand these jokes.
you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.
"Down South" to you means Chicago...
your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar...
at least 50% of your relatives work on a dairy farm...
you can identify a Michigan accent...
you learned to drive a tractor before the training wheels were off your bike...
traveling coast to coast means going from Superior to Milwaukee...
the "Big Three" means Miller, Old Milwaukee & PBR
you used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...
the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow next to your blue spruce...
you think there should be a "FIB go home" bumper sticker on every car north of Madison...
a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...
you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...
when you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought that was part of Canada...
your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
you think that Lutheran and Catholics ARE the major religions.....
every sweatshirt you own is either red and white or green and gold.
FFA was the most popular club in high school. (That's Future Farmers of America to the rest of you.)
you have eaten a cow pie at the State Fair.
the town you grew up in had a bar called Ma's Place.
cheese is an important staple in your diet.
there was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning...phew!
you have to drive thirty minutes to the nearest movie theater.
you know how to pronounce "brat".
you loved it when the Brewers hit a home run so the lady would slide from the huge keg into the mug of beer.
Sunday morning at church involves lots of coffee, JellO molds and danish.
Country Kitchen was the place to meet after the party. (or Perkins )
you know someone who can use "ja, der hey" in a sentence.
your school lost half their student body during deer season.
at every wedding you have been to you have had to dance the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.
you ever went to a wedding reception in a bowling alley.
you know it's traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the ceremony and the reception.
you own at least one cheese head.
Sunday afternoons are sacred for the Packer game!
you have ever been to State Street in Madison during a protest of something.
you have been to at least one house party on Johnson Street in Madison.
you get irritated at sports announcers that pronounce it "Wesconsin".
your high school class went to the Pabst Theater to see "A Christmas Carol".
you thought everyone drank from "bubblers".
you went to the local tavern on Friday night for Fish Fry.
you have drank "white soda" (ie 7Up, Sprite, etc).
you have experienced snow storms in April.
you have had school closed due to wind chills and frostbite warnings.
you know what a "flatlander" is and you know all the "why Wisconsin is better than Illinois" jokes.
you get choked up when you hear the University Marching Band play "On Wisconsin".
you believe that Badgers will always beat Gophers.
The Packers will always be better than the Vikings, no matter what the standings are.
you have been to a "BoDeans" concert.
you have ever partied at Summerfest, Festa Italiana,German Fest, Irish Fest or all of the above.
you or someone you know was a "Dairy Princess" at a county fair.
you have gone out of your way to eat ice cream at Gilles' or Kopp's.
Goodyear Tire on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at Christmas
driving is better in the winter because the potholes fill in with snow
sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
you head south to go to your cottage.
the trunk of you car doubles as a deep freezer.
you play hockey outdoors 10 months a year.
you can make sense out the words upnort and Trivers.
you were offended by the movie Fargo.
your idea of foreign culture is listening to Da Yoopers .
you've seen a hodag.
you know that Gotham is a real city.
your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
Bernie Brewer is your idol because he gets to dive in a giant beer mug.
you tried to tap the Worlds Largest Six Pack.
you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August.
you have caught a fish in Lake Michigan and it glowed in the dark.
you define swimming season as Labor Day weekend..
you know where the city of Waunakee is AND can pronounce it
you have more fishing poles than teeth.
you've taken your kids trickortreating in a blizzard
you know which leaves make good toilet paper
your hometown buys a Zamboni when they need a bus
you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
you got a passport to go to Minnesota...
you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a weekend...
your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
you can identify an Illinois accent.
you know where Oconomowoc is AND can pronounce and spell it.

A couple other places I found:

Hot potato status update meeting game

Thu, 13 May 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Object of the game: Don't be caught giving your status update when the potato goes off.

Rules of the game:

A different person starts the status meeting every week.
The random "Hot Potato" timer starts when the first person begins his or her update.
When an update is complete, the person picks a random person to hand/toss the "hot potato" to.
Repeat giving updates and handing off the potato until updates are complete or the hot potato goes off.
If the potato goes off during your update, you must buy coffee and donuts/bagels/etc. for the entire team the next morning.
If the entire meeting goes off without the potato going off, the manager buys the food.
Interrupting an update means that you get to hold the potato next, or if you've gone already, until the person giving the update is finished talking.

Types of Meetings

Thu, 06 May 2010 12:00:00 +0000

Meeting before the meeting - A select group of people, usually from the same team, decide what the "correct outcome" of the main meeting is supposed to be. When the main meeting comes, the co-conspirators stick to their guns about what must be done.

Meeting after the meeting - Often, the people who were run over by the pre-meeting decision will have a meeting afterward to discuss what just hit them. Especially true when the main meeting involved a large vendor.

Meeting just to make sure we keep having this meeting - An agenda-less meeting that occurs during the only available weekly time slot on the calendars of all participants, so everyone shows up and fakes it through the meeting aimlessly until the time is up.

The mutually ignored meeting - Sometimes coincides with the "meeting just to make sure we keep having this meeting." Usually, however, this meeting has a more organized structure. Everyone participates in the meeting by speaking in turn, yet no one actually hears anything that the other participants are saying. Often coincides with the "project status meeting".

Pep Rally Meeting - These meetings are supposed to replicate the glory days of the tech boom, complete with an enthusiastic leader leading the cheering. These can be fun if the overall culture of the company fits. They can also be the source of YouTube videos.

Sub-Meeting - A complete side discussion that starts by distracting major participants in the main meeting, and eventually overtakes the main meeting purpose, either by acoustics or by importance.

"Party" Meeting - This may be a special occasion to recognize a milestone birthday, anniversary, retirement, etc., and is often characterized by a lot of standing around in odd clusters of people. People from each of these clusters take turns migrating to the focus of the party to say a good word, and then drift back to their clusters or to their desks. Social aptitude generally determines how long a person has to wait to for a turn.

Project "status" meeting - A regular project "update" meeting where everyone gives an "everything's okay" status, regardless of what part of the project is crashing and burning.

Virtual Meeting - A remote meeting that everyone dials into and immediately mutes, proceeding to spent their time more productively, such as by watching Sportscenter or playing ping-pong.

Meeting to teach someone how to run a meeting - This is generally a status-type meeting where a less-experienced team member learns how to start a meeting, stick to an agenda, and write down and assign "action items".

You might be a beer snob if...

Tue, 04 May 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you refer to popular American beers as "swill".
you frequent any brewpub that has a disclaimer that they will ask you to leave if you order a light beer.
you frequent any brewpub that does not serve beer other than its own in-house brew.
you prefer home brew to mass-produced beer.
...even bad home brew.
you treat light beer drinkers the same as fruity martini drinkers.
you know the IBUs of your beers.
you've written reviews of beers on beer rating sites.
you know the definition of "ale", "lager", "stout", "doppelbock", etc...
you've ever uttered the word "hoppy".
"Beer is Food" doesn't make you an alcoholic.
you know beers by their country of origin.
you are disturbed when you notice foreign beers that are served in ethnic restaurants that don't match the country of origin. [Sapporo in Thai restaurants, Singha in Indian...]

You might be a coffee snob if...

Sun, 25 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you heat the coffee mug before pouring your coffee
you brew your own coffee at work
...from fresh ground whole beans
...stored in a climate and humidity-controlled environment
...in your own coffee maker
you refuse to patronize Starbucks since they simplified their daytime brew offering.
...and you know the name of this blend (Pike Place)
"fair trade" and "local" refer to flavor more than principles.
your average cup of brewed coffee costs you more than the average person pays for three pounds of coffee.
rim staining foam.
you shudder when you hear someone say "expresso"
your coffee is roasted in smaller batches than the average grocery store has on their shelves at any given time.
you have two blade grinders as emergency backup for your burr grinder.
you have ever used a thermometer when making your coffee.
you have brewed coffee using methods from more countries than you've actually been to. (Turkish, Cuban, French Press, Vietnamese Press...)
you own an original Aeropress

You might be a New Yorker if...

Fri, 23 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you know what "call you for it" or "choose you for it" means.
you get scared when a stranger randomly starts up a conversation with you.
you can't stand leaving the city because people everywhere else are so nice, it's annoying.
you curse....a lot.
you believe that if you're not from the 5 boroughs, you're not really from New York.
you never call it Manhattan, you call it "the city".
you love, not like, Billy Joel's music (and you know all of the words).
you leave and miss it...but when you're there, it sucks.
you've actually eaten a "dirty water dog" and pronounce it dawg, not dog
you know what a squeegee guy is.
police sirens don't effect you anymore.
you show your middle finger at least five times a day.
the word off comes out sounding like awff... instead of Parking the car.....You pock the caw. (visitor submission)
you can drive your car in rush hour while applying make-up, shifting gears, talking on a cell phone, honking the horn, and flipping someone off all at the same time.
you really don't get what a "Big New Yorker" or "Brooklyn-style" pizza is.

You might be a Broadway musical lover if...

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

You hear a phrase and can tell which musical it came from.
You hear a sentence in a song, and you can't help, but to sing the rest of the song.
You know all the dance steps.
You do all the Dance steps.
and sing, You don't care who sees you.
You tell your friends a sentence, and ask them which musical, act, scene, song, it came from and which character says that line.
You own more than 2 musical soundtracks, and they are so worn out, you have to replace them every 5 years.
You sing instead of speaking. (constantly)
You know "Timing is Everything" even in every day life.
You name your pets and kids after characters on your favorite musicals. (my cat is named Roger, from Rent)
You suggest at least 2 different musicals you want to see put on stage in your community theatre, and you want to direct it, and you already have a good idea how it's going to look on stage. And you have a basic idea who are going to be your cast and crew, for every role.
You are involved in 3 different community theatres, because each theatre has musicals different times of the year, so you are always involved in a musicals all year round. (no straight plays for you)
You get annoyed when someone doesn't sing the correct lines, and you try to help them learn it correctly.
Every Halloween you are a character from a musical, and get offended if people don't guess correctly, and if they Have no clue what that musical is after you tell them.
You love to tell people your version of the Synopsis.
You know what a Synopsis is.
Your synopsis even include the words to every song.
and who sings them.
People run and hide if you say the word "Synopsis"
You think $60 for a broadway ticket is worth it, and would pay again, within the same year. (especially your favorite musical)
You have a website decicated to musicals.
You have ONE website PER musical. (with links)
You start your own Musical update Emailing list, and get upset when no one has joined, since you put it up a year ago.
You don't understand how other people can't appericate GOOD music.
People don't understand how you can stand GOOD music.
You get offended by that remark.
You take a charter bus with everyone in your commuity theatre to go to New York to see a Broadway Musical, and it's been booked in a year in advanced.
You MAKE sure that trip to New York is planned out. (don't want to miss that opportunity)
You cried when your Favorite musical doesn't play on Broadway anymore
You get excited, because in a few years, you can have it put on in your own Community theatre. (look at #11)

You might be from Boston if...

Wed, 21 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you drink tonic.
you know what a bubbler is.
your family will disown you if you're a Yankees fan.
you think there's no life west of 495.
you know they're called rotaries, not roundabouts or circles.
you're considered among the worst drivers in the country.
you think 1-way streets are common everywhere.
you know what a "buckner" is.
there's only 25 letters in the alphabet in your speech.
you know what the Big Dig is.
you knew Great Woods and the Garden.
the words "Southie" and "Eastie" have some meaning to you.
you know what the Beanpot is.
you know what nationality predominates in the North End and Eastie.
you consider Worcester and Springfield "cow pastures."
you know what the Central Artery is.
you have to dial the area code just to call across the street.
it doesn't surprise you to see someone talking on their cell while drinking a coffee and driving with their knees.
you can't go more than a few blocks without hearing a horn beeped.
it's tough to break 40 due to the city traffic but you do it anyway.
you know what the Monster is.

You might be a cat lover if...

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

your cat has a Twitter account.
...and tweets more often than you.
...and you @mention your cat in your own tweets.
you cut your after-work activities short just so you can get home to see your cat.
you dare not move a muscle when kitty falls asleep at your feet, even if you need to get up and pee.
you sleep in the oddest positions, just so you can accommodate your cat, even if he/she chooses to plonk itself in the middle of your bed.
sleeping with your cat and getting stray particles of kitty litter from your cat's claws in your bed doesn't bother you.
you take your cat's name as your online name.
you have your cigarettes outside regardless of snow or rain because your cats disdainfully wrinkle their adorable little noses when they smell smoke.
when you're telling a friend about having to take the cat to the V-E-T, you whisper and your eyes dart furtively around the room to make sure your kitty isn't within earshot.
you cried more than the cat did the day you dropped him at the vet's to be neutered.
you feel naked if your clothes aren't covered in cat hair. (the Mad Cybrarian)
if you own more than one cat and can tell which cat threw up just by looking at the pile. (kecia)
From Fluffy
people say "what a lovely Angora sweater!" and you say "What Sweater?"
the grocery consists of cat food, cat treats, cat toys, and mice.
you know all the ingredients in meow mix by heart.
you plan your schedule around your cat.
you don't care which part of her body Kitty may have licked before kissing you on the lips! (Bonita)
you nuzzle your sweetheart by rubbing your forehead on her.
you still kiss your boyfriend after he lets kitty drink the milk while he eats the cereal.
you feed them Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner on the good china.
your dog coughs up cat hairballs.
you take your cat everywhere with you and leave the car on so fluffy can get some a/c and so she can listen to the radio.
you take your cat everywhere because you, I mean she have separation anxiety.
you yell at Snookums for talking too much. ( katy )
you apologize for yellin' at your darlin' and tell her you didn't mean it and tell her she can scream if she wants.
when you are done crying you go get a towel to dry the tears off of her fur to make her happy.
when someone else yells at your cat for being bad, you say, "Be nice... she's only human."
your way of punishing you cat for bad behavior is a "Time Out" in the bathroom after explaining that she has been a very bad kitty for tearing up your stuff. ( Lisa )
when your cat scratches the heck out of you and your family, you say, "It's just a phase she's going through." (Lisa)
when your cat rips off the wallpaper, you take her to a cat pscyhotherapist to discover what is upsetting her and causing her disruptive behavior. (Lisa)
you have full conversations with your cats and you think it's normal.
you think that they understand you and communicate back.
you have more cat toys than clothes.
when you wear black people think that you're shedding.
you get a fish tank and fish as pets for your cat. (Kristy)
you take more pictures of your cat then you do of your children. (Susie)
you call home during your honeymoon and ask if the children have fed the cat and where is he sleeping and don't ask if the children are okay. (Susie)
your cat eats the most expensive cat food available, but you subsist on macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles (Carrie, ccoleman@sageus.com)
you refer to your parents as "Grandma" and "Grandpa", but you have no children. (Carrie)
you force everyone who phones your house to listen to Snookums meow into the receiver. ( Zoe, zobrien@rocketmail.com )
your cat has more names than you do. ( Zoe )
you spend a date telling your date all about your cats and not one thing about yourself. ( Zoe )
each one of your cats gets spoken to in their own individual "special voice". ( Zoe )
you call your own answering machine just so that the cats can hear your voice. (Visitor Submission)
you post pictures of your cat on your web page and your spouse has no picture posted! (Michael A. Stuart)
you cough up hairballs daily too. (Kelly)
your cat has more say than your spouse. (Callie O' Brien)
you write poems about your cat. (Callie O' Brien)
your cat sleeps in your bed more often than your spouse.
you don't need an alarm clock, because your cat wakes you up before the alarm clock goes off.
you can eat after your cat. (For all non-cat lovers, it does happen.)
you've stopped wondering where all the cat hairs that appear on your clothes could possibly come from. (Visitor submission)
you've stopped caring about the amount of fur on your clothing on the rare occasions when you actually go out in public. (Visitor submission)
You laugh or say, "Oh, aren't you clever," when your cats misbehave.
Your cat's picture is your wallpaper on your computer at work.
You get into discussions with people about whose cat(s) are smarter/funnier/cuter. . .
including your boss and your mother.
You choose your music based on what your cats like. (I love hard rock and metal but never listen to it at home because my cats hate it.)
You have ever posted to the Bad Kitty or Bad Human lists.
The only meat in your house is in your cats' food.
If you get flowers from a guy, you hide them even before you see the cat looking hungrily at them.
You have ever taken an entire roll of film just of your cats.
*If something furry at your feet in the shower doesn't bother you (yes, my cat LOVES the shower!)
*If you have a towel in your bathroom for the cats
*If your Mom shows everyone pictures of her "grandkitties"
*If your parents are happy that the only grandchildren they have wear a permanate fur coat
*If you pick clothes and furniture based on what doesn't show white fur
*If the $100 you spent on the Littermaid could possibly be your best investment
*If you own multiple lint rollars yet only use them for guests or really important outfits
you carry Febreeze with you daily.

You might be a dog lover if...

Tue, 20 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

your bedroom door has a doggie door. ( Lisa C. )
your dog owns more clothing and toys than your neighbor's children.
you have more pictures of your dog than of any other family member including yourself.
you allow your dog to join you in the bath but not your significant other.
you don't mind sharing your pillow with your dog.
you share your popsicles with the dog.
you decide you might have kids so the dog will have playmates.
...then you think better of it and just get more dogs.
your entire Christmas wish list is full of stuff for the dog or stuff for you and the dog.
you won't visit your family if the dog can't go too.
you spend all your free time (after playing with the dog, etc...) online at dog related sites.
...and you're on many dog related e-mail lists.
you care more about getting your dog's supper ready on time than your spouse's.
you use the term potty in place of other urination terms. (Toast)
you don't yell at your significant other after staying out all night because it might upset your dog.
you make your significant other sleep on the couch because there isn't enough room for the three of you.
holiday groceries are bought depending on the number of CANINE guest are expected, in addition to the rest of the family.
you refer to your dogs as your 4-legged children. (Rose)
you and your spouse constantly argue about which one of you the dog looks more like. (Big Al Your Radio Pal)
your dog is in your family photo. (Big Al Your Radio Pal)
...for the church directory.
you go buy a king sized bed so there is enough room for pooch to sleep comfortably too. (Visitor Submission)
you tell your chat partner to hold on while you play tug-of-war with your dog.
you tell your relatives you aren't coming unless the dogs are invited, too.
you get your dog a pet cat.
when shopping for a new car, your first requirement is that your dog can easily get into & out of the vehicle & she has her own window. (Donna)
when house hunting, you only look at houses with BIG fenced in yards so your 100 lb "baby" has somewhere to play. (Donna)
when you don't think it's the least bit strange to stand outside at 4:04AM chirping "Pee Maggie...Pee for mommy", while Maggie tends to play and forget why she's out there. You can give 2 !@#$s what the neighbors think.
your spouse has to make the dogs move over so they can get into bed. (Ed Ward)
whenever your dog barks, you say, "uh-oh -- Gotta run -- My dog wants her supper and belly rub now." (Keith S.)
you share ice cream cones with your dog. (Vicki Marty)
your dog eats cat *poop*, but you still let her kiss you. (Rebecca)

You might be a Foursquare addict if...

Mon, 05 Apr 2010 12:00:00 +0000

you patronize new places that you have no interest in just because you get more points.
you volunteer to go to the mall with your significant other because of the travel bonus for each of the 20 shops you'll hit.
and you're really hoping for that overshare badge this time.
you pull into parking spaces when driving through a park just so you can justify checking in.
you've checked into places without coming to a full stop in your car.
you add places like an immediate care center, a gas station, and a bank. (@safetyguy1656)
you volunteer to do a lunch run and encourage people *not* to pick the same location, just so you can get multiple check-ins.
you're the mayor of several grocery stores.
...including all the nearby Wal-Marts.
...and you really don't care that no one else ever checks in there.
you're the mayor of a biker bar, despite the fact that you've never been able to assert yourself enough to get a drink at the bar.
Your Facebook friends who incessantly post Farmville updates have been unfriending you because of incessant location updates.
You've been denied points for legitimate check-ins because you checked in too frequently.

You might be from Louisville (KY) if...

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:00:00 +0000

your "International" airport has only one passenger flight that actually leaves the 48 contiguous U.S. states. (Louisville "would-like-to-be" International Airport)
the in-state sports rivalry is paid more attention to than the national championship.
you live in an area that occasionally gets considerable snowfalls, floods, and tornadoes, but has no capacity to deal with any of the above.
you pronounce the name of your city different than anyone else you've heard. (Lullvull, Luavull, Lewisville, Looeyvull...)
you sound like a hick to a majority of people outside of Kentucky.
you think the rest of the people in Kentucky sound like hicks.
when you think "Kentucky" you don't automatically think horse racing or fried chicken.
you ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to "move."
you've ever taken a winter coat along on a day that starts out 65 degrees and sunny... (it might get cold by afternoon)
...or you've ever shovelled 10+ inches of snow and worn shorts in the same week.
you've ever experienced a "salt storm" after a two-inch snowfall. (seriously--there was more salt on the road than there ever was snow...)

Random thoughts

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Yet another e-mail forward:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

Puns from the Inbox

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:00:00 +0000

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky maker - but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Bailout money

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 12:00:00 +0000

MoneyPath

My blog deserves $1,587 of bailout money.

How much do you deserve?

You might be a bad customer if...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

you instruct the bartender on how to make a drink because, very loudly, you explain "That's how they make them at MY country club." Then you wait to receive your .19 cents in change and don't tip.
you go into a convenience store and buy a pack of gum with a $100 bill then get mad if the cashier can't give you the right change.
you insist that it's the cashiers job to tell you where the coupon is and have them tear it out for you, then complain to the manager when they don't comply (and yes this happens almost daily...) ( Sin )
you try on the lingerie without any undergarments, and ask the sales associate to give you feedback. (Angela Edwards)
you call employees by their first name just because they wear a name tag. ( TiffanyC )
you insist that lines don't pertain to you and proceed to push past everyone else to get to the head of the line, because *you're* the special one. ( apostrophess )
you escort people out of line for having 11 items in the "10 items or less" lane.
you walk into a store at 10 minutes to close not knowing what you want and don't decide for another 30 minutes.
you yell out what a GREAT TIPPER you are. ( janicexxwxx )
you *return* the coffee because it's too hot. ( Jorge D )
you order water with extra lemon (as if it was supposed to come with lemon).
you ask for a discount. No reason specified, just that you should get one. (Dave Tibbs)
you get annoyed if a hardware store, etc., does not have the most obscure component in stock, despite the fact that they haven't sold one in over 20 years. (Dave Tibbs)
if you buy 10 cent candy to break a 20
you have to separate transactions for two 2/$1.00 candy bars (but then how would I know how much they are apiece?)
you think the Pre-pay sign on the gas pump is for everyone but you.
you ask for a bag, big printed receipt, etc, when you feel you have been overcharged for something because you want to get the most out of the company. (Dave Tibbs)
You can't read the signs or coupons correctly, insisting you're right and all the employees are wrong.
While standing in front of the huge of TVs, you ask a salesman, "Is this all the TVs you have?" (Melissa R.)
You dare ask for a discount at a restaraunt because your kids didn't like thier food after they showed their dislike by throwing said food on the walls and the floor (this realy happened) (Melissa R.)
you chew out the manager of the local McDonald's for not cleaning up the place, while meanwhile, your kids proceed to launch ketchup packets at each other.
you pay anything / everything in small change (especially pennies)

You might be a biker if...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

going 4-wheeling means your old lady has her own bike.
your gloves don't have any fingers.
you prefer to pee outside.
your beer preference is BEER.
you treat your leather better than your woman.
you wash your bike more than you wash yourself.
rock-and-roll is the only kind of music.
you think Jack Daniels is your best friend.
you ride instead of walk down the aisle.
you pass out with a beer in your hand without spilling a drop, and finish drinking it when you wake up in the morning.

You might be taking the beanie babies thing too far if...

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

An oldie from the first days of YouMightBe.com...

you spend so much money on beanies that you can't afford beans.
you tease your grandmother about being addicted to her online bingo games as you transfer money into your new Beanie Baby checking account (because it just "makes it easier").
you kick out your grandmother so the beanies can have their own room.
someone asks you how many kids you have, and you answer, "1030... but some are doubles." ( SlipStream )
whenever McDonalds has Beanies, you run from one McDonalds to another just to get the full set. ( Michele )
you hold up the line at McDonald's for twelve minutes and seventeen seconds arguing with the cashier who says they are of a particular beanie baby.
you knock over 5 old people just trying to reach the beanie aisle.
you actually consider sleeping with that teenage cashier at McDonalds just so you can get all of the stupid things. (Visitor Submission)
if you and your coworkers take turns faking sick so that you can be in line to purchase the newest Beanie Babies... (Trippin' Daisy)
On Beanie Babies day at the ballpark you take 30 kids, pay for all their tickets, and require them to give their Beanie Babies to you after you go through the gate (actually happened). (Japkin)
you've ever assaulted someone just so you could have first pick of the beanie babies.
whenever McDonald's has them, everyone in the house gets a Happy Meal.

You might be a bad cook if...

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

you call your mother to ask how long to boil cabbage to make cole slaw. (Geet)
you look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
the smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove. (Marc R)
you turn the bowl of rice casserole upside down and nothing gets spilled. (Allronix)
it takes a hammer and chisel to remove said casserole from the dish. (Allronix)
your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk. (Allronix)
the microwave display reads "TILT!" (Allronix)
you open your dishwasher after living in your house for two years and the plastic is still in it.
when you BBQ the kids won't come outside, instead they stand inside the screen door watching you. (Brenda)
...three of them hold water guns and the 4th has the phone with 911 on speed-dial. (Brenda)
the last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire. ( homerunking24@hotmail.com )
your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. ( kecia, kecia28@hotmail.com )
you make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! (Kecia)
your homemade bread loaf can be used as a door stop. (Lisa)
you can use your overcooked food as a weapon.
your food melts plastic and silverware. ( phyr@jlink.net )
the dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
all your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck."
you've ever cooked a broccoli casserole and forgot to add the broccoli.
if you cook the leftover cut-outs of a jack-o-lantern. (Justin)
there are bones in your toast. (Amon-Ra)
all you cook seems to be left overs. (Amon-Ra)
the judges in the Beverly Hills Bake-off vote for Elly May Clampett's biscuits over yours. ( S. Hammond)
the leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. ( S. Hammond )
your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a firetruck siren. ( S. Hammond )
those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy christmas cookies. ( S. Hammond )
you used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, but that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan! ( S. Hammond )
you've ever burned through the bottom of a pan while cooking. ( S. Hammond )
you forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heatwave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. ( S. Hammond )
the EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols. ( S. Hammond )
you refer to flour moth larvae as 'a little extra free protein.' ( S. Hammond )
anyone has ever broken a tooth while eating your homemade yougurt. ( S. Hammond )
your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like. ( S. Hammond )
you tell them that the grey fuzzy stuff on top of it 'is good for them.' ( S. Hammond )
if you avoid the hassle of having to ever reseason your cast iron skillet by always leaving the remains of the last thing you cooked in there for 'flavor.' (Remember that Star Trek episode, 'Mudd's Women'?) ( S. Hammond )
you hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
there's no such thing as an unusable leftover. ( S. Hammond )
you know dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. (Scott Smith)
you really have messed up a salad.
the family pets are no where to be found during dinner
around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.
you have cooked dishes that are more appetizing after two months in the back of the fridge.

You might be an AOL newbie if...

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

you can't surf without a keyword.
you expect family friendly chat in every chat room.
you're spending almost as much for dial-up service as some people pay for a cable modem service.
you don't know how to use the at-sign to address e-mail.
you think everyone who accesses the internet has AOL.

You might be a band geek if...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

during concert season you wish you where out on the field. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you can be found before school, at lunch, and after school down in front of the band room with all the other band members. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you spend more time in the band room then at your own house. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you are way too protective of your cubby hole. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you role your feet marching everywhere. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you look forward to band camp every summer. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you relate with the band nerds is the movie American Pie. ( Jennie *Goober* )
the only dresses you have are black and concert style. ( Jennie *Goober* )
for guys, the only dress clothes you have are dress slacks and tuxedo shirts ( Jennie *Goober* )
you go to parades that you are not in and make sure lines are straight, horn angles are parallel, and everyone is on step. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you listen to the classical station and can name off songs that you remember playing in band. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you take comfort in the sound a baton makes banging agaisnt a podium. ( Jennie *Goober* )
you own your own E-flat clarinet. (Jamie)
you visit your band director everyday at his house.
...or you babysit his kids for him.
you can play every cadence the drum corps plays despite the fact you play clarinet. (Colt_saa_45)
From Miranda:
- you always start off on the left foot.
- you can't walk and listen to music at the same time without marching to the beat.
- your fondest memories of high school are from being in the band.
- your best achievements have included becoming first chair and section leader of more than one section.
- when you hear your favorite songs from band you can't help but do the fingering for the notes with the song.
- you don't know the melody of a song because you only remember the part you played in band.
- you can pick out all the different parts in any song.
- ...and name the instruments that play them.
you still wear your band shirt, from your senior year--ten years ago. ( HeidiPR )
you count down the days remaining until field band camp. ( matt )
you have a favorite cadence. ( melvan )
you walk in step with your friends in the hall, in the street, across campus... ( logan )
...or scream "LEFT, LEFT" at people out of step with you.
you conduct every time you hear a song play on the radio. ( seamz3 )
you proudly show off your trumpet mute collection. ( Jenn )
you've managed to build a beach-side hut using your old reeds. ( jessa )
you constantly sing old band tunes three or four years after graduating.
you go back to your old high school to help with summer band practices. ( star437 )
you try to hurt the other band at a football game. ( star437 )

You might be a caffeine addict if...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

you think sleep is for the weak.
you've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so "the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend" (Naz)
you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
you have a website about caffeine
you're on a first name basis with Juan Valdez ( Bruce Campbell)
your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
your heart rate is always in triple digits.
you know from experience caffeine tablets don't dissolve in cola. ( Tony Hall )
you wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
you can name the five flavors of JOLT.
you have a mini-fridge under your desk... and a catheter. ( Daryl Banttari )
you drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.
you ask, "Sleep? What's that?"
you go to the doctor because you're afraid there might be blood in your Mountain Dew stream. (Becky)
every coffee company wants to have your picture on their packs of coffee powder.
your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
your wife asked you to buy milk, bread and butter and you heard "buy coffee, coffee and coffee."
your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."
your child's name is Nescafe.
Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.you've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
you regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign. ( Zoe )
you have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands "JOLT" and "COLA" ( Zoe )
your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
you go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
you've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
you've ever knelt and prayed before a Starbuck's logo.
your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.
you can't remember the last time you blinked. (Ken McKinney)
you have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee. (Ken McKinney)
f
you have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent. (Ken McKinney)
you have dark brown colored hair but you are a natural blonde and have never dyed it. (Ken McKinney)
the dishes in your house are all coffee cups. (Ken McKinney)
your dog's name is Folgers. (Ken McKinney)
you see nothing wrong with using water joe (the caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
you believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep (Psycho Dragon)
it's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
you have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
you'd rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning. (Caffeine withdrawal is a real headache.)
you've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
you've given up sex, TV, and all forms of meat for Lent before, but STILL can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
you could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
you suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.
you dip espresso beans.

You might be a computer geek if...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists. I'm starting this one from scratch.

you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc...
you're a card-carrying member of the EFF
when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm Graffiti characters. (Scott K. McGrath)
you think (x<<6)+(x<<4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80. ( ck )
you've gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car. ( ck )
you know what a router is, and you know what a bit is, but you've never heard of a router bit. ( ck )
you know the square root of 65536 is 256 without having to do the math. ( ck )
you consider 65536 and 256 "nice round numbers". ( ck )
...and you *always* put the period outside the quotes, since you're not quoting the end of the sentence...what the hell do english majors know, anyway. ( ck )
you see a good-looking girl and you DESPERATELY want her e-mail address so you can get to know her.
you wake up and realize that your sleep pattern has been following an algorithm.
your computer chair has the permanent and stiff indentation of your butt in it. (Samuel L Jacobson)
the only tan you've ever acquired comes from your monitor. (Samuel L Jacobson)
you have assembled your own Linux distribution, and re-wrote some of the more inefficient code, just for fun. ( Hmmm... it's a thought... )
every time someone says "I like iMacs" you get mad and shout out "So you only go for the looks, do you? Superficial guy! The inner qualities are what's important, not the looks! Beauty is only skin-deep!"
when asked if you have more than one hard drive, you answer "In which computer?" (melvan)
you postpone your moving date so your computers can set new uptime records. (melvan)
given the choice between a T3 and a date with a good looking guy/girl, you'd take the T3. (melvan)
you've ever been successful at catching a spammer.
you call sex with your cute girlfriend "CuteFTP."
you spend more time changing settings in Windows 98 than using it.
you dream of high-end computers instead of beautiful girls.
you get angry when someone says they own a Pentium IV processor. ( Andy )
your friends have a club with the word .com in it. ( Andy )
you almost get in a fight when a small child says there is no internet. ( Andy )
you think everyone should have an opinion about Bill Gates.
you refer to having sex as setting up a LAN!
you refer to going to the toilet as "extracting to the temp folder" and flushing the toilet as "deleting the temp folder".
you refer to eating and drinking as uploading!
you understand and find www.ircnews.com funny.
you've ever passed notes at school in binary.
you regard the "User Friendly" virus as a good thing.
you've had an article appear at segfault.org.
you've figured out how to crash Windows NT on a 128MB system, using only Internet Explorer and Notepad.
you snicker whenever someone asks how much memory is needed for Windows NT to run smoothly.
you go into a computer store and takeover a discussion for a salesman on the specs and merits of a computer while he site there nodding as you make the sale.
you've ever written a useless program just for the "fun" of it.
...or you prefer writing useless programs.
a 23 GB HD, color laser, four 128MB DIMMs, and a 21" monitor would beat out Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cameron Diaz, Heather Graham, and Cindy Crawford.
you can actually read the error message details when a Windows program has a problem.
you spend more time chatting on-line in one day than you do in a week's worth of actual conversation with people face-to-face.
there are two magazines in front of you, the newest issue of PC Magazine and the other a porno. And you choose the PC mag over the porno.
you refer to using the bathroom as downloading.
the number of computers in your house exceeds the number of relationships you've had in your lifetime.
if you HAS A job or you IS A human being. (this one might be above the heads of a few computer geeks, too.)
...and you didn't correct the grammar of that last item.
if (DEC 25 = OCT 31) means true to you.
your computer costs more and runs better than your car
your watch is set to GMT. Always. (After all, it's the only time that makes logical sense.)
in real life, you tell people to go to http://www.hell.com/ (Mel)
when you're reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it. (Dave Tibbs)
you have the Linux Penguin sitting on your monitor
... and you know the penguin's name.
everytime you go to write a note, you put your hands on your desk, as if looking for a keyboard to type it on. (Miko)
you've ever debated the merits of the FVWM95 window manager...
...with yourself.
you're grossly offended that anyone would want to make their Linux box work anything like Windows 95.
you wake up wondering which directory you're in. (Jason J.).
you set up your old computer next to your new one 2 months ago so that you could transfer files and you've been using them "both" since. (Visitor submission, Keith S.)
you have more computers now than you've had relationships in your lifetime.
your wallpaper is made up of Linux code. (visitor submission)
your favorite pasttime is IRC on Saturday nights. (visitor submission)
your computer is set for Dvorak... but your keyboard is actually a qwerty.
...you know what Dvorak and Qwerty refer to.
you have a PC for every person in the house, and still think you need one more. What if one goes down!? (Laura Goodwin)
you salivate when you hear the word, "upgrade" (Laura Goodwin)
instead of laughing you say "El-Oh-El!" (Laura Goodwin)
you have actually heard someone do this in real life.
...and you actually understood what it meant.
you dream in code. (Laura Goodwin)
you not only know what Be OS is, you have an opinion about it. (Laura Goodwin)
you want to be the first one on your block to be wet-wired. (Laura Goodwin)
you dual boot because you want to be able to play some of them there cool new games. (Laura Goodwin)
you bought a super socket-7 motherboard, not because you really needed it, but because you got it for only 40.00 via an online auction. Now you have a reason to build that extra computer you don't really need. (Laura Goodwin)
to you, the word "scuzzy" is sexy. (Laura Goodwin)
your girlfriend kisses you on the neck and you think "uh oh, priority interupt!". (Dave Tibbs)
you and the campus Unix Sysadmin have a geek contest.
...and you win.
you check your e-mail before you brush your teeth in the morning. (Abdel).
you believe Unix/Linux is the most superior operating system out there (Abdel).
you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them...
...and you can justify the advantages of doing so.
...or you actually reply to the note.
you can program in more languages than you can speak. (From: Dan Good)
you refer to your computer as a friend.
you can talk to your computer without being sarcastic or raising your voice.
you talk to your computer the way most people talk to their significant other.
you use old CD-ROMs as coasters...
...and you've collected a matching set for every room in your house.
with the exception of the blood-sucking part, you have the same basic characteristics as a vampire.

You might be a nurse if...

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com )
discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary)
you have the bladder capacity of five people
you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance
you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an evil plot thought up by satan
you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, "wow, it is really quiet" is uttered
your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
you mutter, "great veins" when being introduced to a complete stranger
you have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call.
you believe chocolate is a food grouP.
you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 years?"
you have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control
you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, "I have no idea how that got stuck in there."
you have ever had a patient say, "but i'm not pregnant, i can't be pregnant, how can i be having a baby?"
you have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's
your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the back yard.
you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants
when checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the correct answers
you always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.
your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to "their room."
the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips.
you refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."
you are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.
your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat
you've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots."
you believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day
you stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing.
your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy.
you've ever sworn you are going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.
you have been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate

The following are from the well-maintained Weird Nursing Tales. Be sure to check the site for more medical humor, and updates to the following list:

You believe tontine treatment is a legitimate alternative.
You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.'
You've ever used an ABD as a makeshift sanitary pad
You constantly feel the veins in your girlfriends or wife's arms, boasting, "I could hit that one easy"
You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)
You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time
You ever felt like a Proctologist because you work with assholes
It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you
You ever told a patient he didn't need to be dead to donate an organ
You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe
You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them
In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice and the least support.
You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance"
When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you have to do overtime.
You believe skin signs tell all.
You believe sick people don't bitch.
You believe air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
You believe about 80% of the battery patients deserved it.
You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.
You believe if you drop the baby, pick it up.
You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
You believe all people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.
You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.
You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem.
You believe there will be problems.
You can't cure stupid.
You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
You believe heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
You believe every Emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse.
You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn't back up.
You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.
You believe there is no such thing as a "textbook case"
There is no such thing as a bad code, only codes that didn't go the way you planned.
You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your ass covered!
Your immune system has reached out and bitch slapped someone visiting the ED because of a head cold.
You believe the best way to give someone a nice warm feeling deep down inside is by using warm water in the enema bag.
You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.
To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.
You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.
You've ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)
You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them
You believe the best patients are SIR...Sedated, Intubated and Restrained
You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience
You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us friends.
You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this'
You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients.
You no longer have a gag reflex.
You hide on Thursday nights to you don't have to translate all the terms on "ER" for your friends/relatives.
You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to suction for a FOS patient.
You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate order for annoying family members.
You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes.
You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk
You use the phrase "Turn and Baste" and you are nowhere near a kitchen
You know you are a night nurse when:
- You live for the thrill of always driving in the opposite direction of rush hour traffic.
- You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the morning.
- You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night daylight savings time goes into effect.
- You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so boring, all the patients do is sleep.
- You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and Compazine
You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered, patient complaints would greatly decrease
You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light.
You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.
You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.You think friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies. You believe the gene pool could use a little chlorineYou believe experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.You believe a really good, quality tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.
You see stress as a normal way of life.
You have a tendency to laugh at your patient's "big" problems.
Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.
You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.
You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal.
You tell cops where to go without fear!
You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock.
You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!'
You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can.
You use the acronym FOS (Full of Shit) for constipated patients, and sometimes the ones that aren't!
You refer to your patient with a brain abscess growing E-Coli as "Shithead". (true)
You refer to a newborn as a F.L.K. and the parents a F.L.P.( funny looking kid, funny looking parents)
You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her veins when you try to find one she hasn't already used, to start an IV
You have told a patient to "get some rest now" and they die right then and there in front of you and all of their family members.
You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your bladder. ( Tried and true method for desperate ER nurses!)
You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just assholes.
You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom
You believe PIA (Pain in the ass) is an acceptable admitting diagnosis from ER. (True story-the ER MD would list PIA as a diagnosis to alert the floor nurses)
You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal 'no code' patients. (circling the drain).
You've ever referred to a patient as DIB (Dead In Bed)
You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk)
You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN
You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots
You believe lunch can be absorbed transdermally by applying it to an inconspicuous spot of one's arm while working.
Everything only happens all at once.
Most everything can seem humorous...eventually.
You know that the North American Wannabe is really an eight-month pregnant woman that is tired of being pregnant, as in, "I wannabe in labor."
You don't mention the name of a frequent flyer so as not to invoke his spirit to bring him/her to the ER and then to your unit
When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes. (True story)
You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing)
You have a bumper sticker that says, "I stop for all auto accidents."
Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.
You have more than five pins on your uniform.
You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.
You have more T-shirts that say, "Love a nurse PRN" than plain T-shirts.
Half of your wardrobe has bloodstains on it.
Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood pressure.
You've ever referred to other nurses as "Band-Aid Bunnies."
You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving you than he can.
You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas.
You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment.
You've ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw-up.
Your family stopped talking to you because every time you open your mouth it sounds like a recital from a medical dictionary.
You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical records because of all the acronyms in it.
You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse.
You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation.
You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear.
You have never missed an episode of RESCUE 911, ER or Chicago Hope.
You've been looking everywhere for old copies of St. Elsewhere.
You've ever wondered whether it would be legal to keep a defibrillator in the trunk of your car.
You've ever raised your hands to heaven and said, "These hands have been touched by God."
Every magazine in your house has the word 'nurse' or 'RN' in the title.
"Trawling for Trauma" is your favorite saying.
You've ever told anyone in pain to "stop being a baby and deal with it."
You've ever told a patient to "stop faking it."
You carry more gloves on you than a proctologist does.
Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.
You can intubate your friends at parties.
You don't have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.
You can comfort anxious patients with, "I know just how you feel. It's my first IV, too."
You believe any job where you can drive to work in green pajamas is a cool job.
You can park next to rich doctors like cardiologists and gynecologists.
You can cover your mistakes with Versed.
After spending the night with surgeons, they still won't respect you in the morning.
You believe the single diagnostic criterion in "Had seizure in a restaurant" is "Had he paid the bill yet? "
You don't eat before driving to work because you want to be an "easy intubation" if you are in an accident.
You think Medic-Alert(r) tags make fine presents or should be issued at birth.
You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease, and you quickly calculate if you could be recognized as an off-duty nurse.
You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease but wish you had bought that CPR pocket mask you've been promising yourself.
"Man down" translates to you as 'Drunk if unwitnessed, Seizure if witnessed.'
The first rule in nursing is 'don't hurt yourself.'
You believe all bleeding stops...eventually.
You believe everybody has to die sometime.
You believe you can't hurt a dead man.
You don't get excited about blood loss-unless it's your own.
You don't hit patients or doctors....unless absolutely necessary.
You believe SEX isn't everything, but it's a hell-of-a-long-way ahead of what's second.
You think the patient will be all right if he is okay.
You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.
You believe all fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature.
You believe common things are common.
You believe a strawberry by any other name would be a heart with acne.
Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation.
You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion, you obviously don't understand the situation.
Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than are uncommon diseases.
You believe death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause in the act of dying.
You've ever said, "WHY am I here?"
You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always and never.
You can't see it; it's probably not there.
You know P.I.D. doesn't stand for "pink in dere."
If you believe if a patient who has a catheter ---he needs it.
Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off.
The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not!
You live by the motto; "To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult."
You know the problem is always better than the X-ray looks.
You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia
The most common complaint in the ER on a Saturday night is W.A.D.A.O. (Weak And Dizzy All Over, you know -- "Oh, I've felt real bad all day -- just Weak and...")
You can identify the following Syndromes:
- F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)
- A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)
- W.O.F.T.A.M. (Waste of Fuc*ing Time & Money)
- P.F.O. (Pissed and Fell Over)
- F.I.T.H. (Fuc*ed In The Head)
- T.F.B.U.N.D.Y. (Totally Fuc*ed But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet)
- T.M.B. (Too Many Birthdays)
- F.U.D. (Fear, Uncertainty & Doubt)
- F.U.B.A.R. (Fuc*ed Up Beyond All Recognition)
When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.
When called for orders, the MD says, "Write them yourself; you know the patient better than I do."
You swear that certain patients should return to Transylvania because they never show up before sundown and you can never reach them by phone before 4 PM.
You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces unless they get their way they'll pee all over you.
You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this world, and the last thing they do before they leave it, is take a take a really big crap.
You know what a 3-H enema is...High, Hot and Hell of a lot.
You refer to ammonia capsules as a "seizure-cure."
You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.
Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up. The young lady on stage does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot and a half from your nose. You are not aroused, but you DO think, "I could catherize that". (True story)
You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by examining the barf on your shoes.
You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only patient in there is the one that just died!
You've ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!
You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The Ass) precautions!
You're at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn't bother you.
You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system- quantity not sufficient].
When asked, "Are you are the nurse on tonight?" You want to respond, "No, I just like dressing up as a Nurse and hanging around because I have nothing better to do!"
Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is
Ever referred to an intelligence-impaired individual as a functional anaerobe
When asked to assist with a pelvic, you ask for a rope to help pull you out, just in case
Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, "No, I've never had sex"
Ever been in the "Death Grip" of gomers
Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker and to HOLLER if they need help
Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease"
Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier
You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.
You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically exclusive" or "genetically challenged."
You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years.
Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.
You believe in PPP as a diagnosis - Piss Poor Protoplasm
You feel like prescribing high-speed lead therapy for a patient or their family.
Diagnosing the patient or their family with asynapsing neuritis seems appropriate
You refer to an admission diagnosis of 'PFO'. (Pissed and fell over)
You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn't bother you.
You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control.
Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.
Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.
Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey involves an IV and warmed saline, and the turkey usually has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted.
You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of your daily calorie intake requirements.
When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.
You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free gastric lavage.
If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture, steri-strips or rubber bands.
You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
You've ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.
You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick."
You've ever sworn your going to have "NO CODE" tattooed to your chest.
You can identify the 'PID Shuffle" and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 15 feet.
You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is an emergency.
You've ever listed a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk".
You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.
You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."
You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough.
You've ever thought, "As long as he's got a pulse, I don't care about the rhythm".
You've ever referred to a body bag as a "to go" bag.
You think the ultimate cruel joke is get someone drunk, take them to the ER and tell them he ODed on 'some kind of pills".
You personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-emergent and Sleeping it Off.
You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily.
You don't ask "frequent flyers' their history, you know it by heart.
You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers."
You tell local drunks tips on where to sleep so you won't be bothered with a return visit.
You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.
You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you're a nurse, you reply "Yes", and walk away.
You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have something to do on the night shift.
A trained physician can't recognize the proper anatomy of a female for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.
You believe that all bleeding stops...eventually.
You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm...until you get one you DO recognize.
You've ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured your drink from a Urimeter container.
You believe survivability is inversely proportional to societal worth.
You believe that if you have two tattoos you will never die, especially if one is a homemade cross or swastika.
You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably deserved it.
You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath!
Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold
You make up acronyms so non-medical people won't know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, YOYOMF, TSTL...(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Your On Your Own Mother F..., Too Stupid To Live)
You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status
You hate working the night of a full moon
You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level
Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal
You have the bladder capacity of 5 people
You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac
Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose restraint
You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA
You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce
You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage
You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot
You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered
Your most common assessment question at 2 am is "Why is this an emergency now?"
You have used the phrase' health care reform' to terrify your co-workers
You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick
You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed
You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you in 3 days)
You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group
You know the local detox center number by heart
You believe the lab should have a 'dumb shit' profile on the lab requisition
You have handled several 'lost condom' cases
You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis
You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably
You find humor in other people's stupidity
You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm
Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat
You believe chocolate is a food group
You believe a good tape job will fix anything
You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants
You can identify the "Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo" Ratio
Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change
You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a halt
You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance
You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia...or if they list numerous allergies (except Demerol), or tell you their family doctor is out of town
You believe that "Shallow gene pool" should be a recognized medical diagnosis
You have discovered a new condition called "Hypo-Xanax-emia"
You are totally astounded when someone from a nursing home is understandable
You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name
You say to yourself, "Great veins!" when looking at complete strangers at the grocery store
You think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is perfectly appropriate
You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Transfer"
You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a "Smurf"
Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms
You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there"
You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and asks "Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc....) there?"
You have ever issued a "dead head" alert
You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience
You believe a "Supreme Being" consult is your patient's only hope
You have been exposed to so many x-rays, you now consider it a from of birth control
You have ever had a patient say, "I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant! I can't be having a baby!"
You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food
Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago's water tank
Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's
Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard
You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol
Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent
You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine
You call tell the difference between a Doctor's Order and the ground around a chicken farm
You call burn victims "crispy critters"
You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies

Interesting links:

50 Incredibly Weird Facts About the Human Body

You might be a Twitter Spammer if...

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

(Tip: To report spam, follow @spam on Twitter and then direct message the @username - e..g., "d spam @spammer")

You @-reply people you don't follow with links.

You still have the default avatar (Hint to anyone who hasn't yet)

You have been suspended on a regular basis: "Sorry, the account you were headed to has been suspended due to strange activity. Mosey along now, nothing to see here."

You have one update, yet you add 100 people to your follow list every day.

You repeat your same tweet w/ blog post several times a day, and freely admit that it wasn't a technical glitch on the part of your Twitter client.

Shamwow

Your followers count is in the single digits, but you're following 100-1000 people.

Your URL goes to a horribly ugly site with black and red bold sans-serif text, sporadic yellow highlights, occasional ALL CAPS and exclamation POINTS on a white background!!!

You URL has a video of you pulling $2,000 cash.

You are following nor followed by anyone, and regularly send @reply messages advertising your product.

You follow people at random and drop them as soon as they're following you.

You have a "system" for making lots of money.

Automatic direct messages with links to new followers.

"Be-a-magpie"

Your "name" associated with your Twitter ID consists of a 6-letter combo of the letters a-s-d-f.

All @replies.

No status updates.

No profile, url, default background...

Site Map

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

[Submit your own humor list or idea here]

You might be addicted to Twitter if...

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 12:00:00 +0000

There is a bird-chirping noise coming from your computer every minute or so.
You refer to people as @nickname outside of Twitter (seek help if you refer to them that way in real life)
People have threatened to un-friend you on Facebook because you have the Twitter app turned on.
You can name more than 5 URL shorteners (and TinyURL is not one of them).
You have written your own script or program to retrieve tweets.
You see nothing wrong with divulging intimate details of your daily life to 100 or more complete strangers.
You actively check friendorfollow to see who isn't following you back.
You qualify every sentence with at least one '#'.
"It's complicated," means that you need 141 characters to tell the story--even after shortening everything to txt abbreviations.
You subscribe to news outlets and blogs that feed to Twitter because using an RSS reader is just too much work.
You have linked rememberthemilk, Google calendar, etc. to your Twitter account.
You check Twitter in more than 3 ways in the span of an hour (txt, m.twitter.com, Tweetdeck, website...)
You see an unfamiliar "from ..." Twitter application or service on someone's tweet and stop everything to check out that application.
You are obsessed with maintaining your Twitter grade or TwitterRank.
You take Tweetwasters as a personal challenge.
You make a point to say good morning and good night to all of your followers.
Most of your nouns begin with "tw" (i.e., tweeple)
You tweet from the jacuzzi (from @cheapwebmonkey)
You tweet while cleaning the toilets (from @runkerrierun and @runnergoslow)

More lists:

You might be a bachelor if...

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 12:00:00 +0000

* you eat frozen pizza without microwaving it. ( you can cook those things? )
you use a stapler to adjust the length of your trousers. ( Bert van Viegen, viegen )
you get your furniture out of the clean up pile and then brag about how it didn't cost you a thing. (Karen, KarenW )
you sniff your underwear to see if you can get by just one more day without doing the wash. ( Lisa, demick )
you actually use the following link: How to Get a date
your refrigerator is packed full of tupperware dishes filled with molded smelly food because you just don't want to wash them. ( Lisa, demick )
you've bought the Ziploc disposable plasticware so that you won't have to wash containers with molded food.
you open a food container in the frige to see what it is but can't, and then you smell it and it knocks you unconscious. ( Lisa, demick )
the only thing that snuggles next to you in bed is your dog and/or cat. (Lisa)
you actually have money in your savings account. (Lisa)
you bought clean guest towels 3 years ago and they are still hanging up, unused. (Lisa)
you haven't cooked in so long you've forgotten where things are in your kitchen and what buttons to use on the stove.
you own a home, but behave like an apartment dweller ( pazmenot )
you've often wondered how many empty pizza boxes constitutes a collection. ( sdali )
the only kitchen appliance you know how to use is the microwave. ( Jorge D. )
you have a disproportionate number of plastic utensils and paper plates vs. real silverware and plates.
you haven't eaten a meal at home that wasn't in a disposable container.
you don't know how to take out the trash. (tman399 )
you have to look to see how clean your apartment is and not how full your calendar is to decide when to go out on a date. (Barbie, ValleGrly )
you smell your clothes to see if you can wear them (again). (Barbie)
you can clean engine parts in the bathtub without someone yelling at you.
you buy a really big trashcan for the kitchen so you don't have to take it out as often.
you amuse yourself by lobbing beercans so that they bounce off the wall before hitting aforementioned trash can.
it takes you ten minutes every six months to buy new clothes (Let's see, I'm out of jeans, white T-shirts, black T-shirts, and socks..)
you don't feel compelled to wear underwear unless you have a date that night.
you car gets waxed more often than the toilet gets cleaned. (People clean toilets?)
you belch and fart in public without apologizing. (Bert van Viegen, viegen )
you turn your socks and underwear inside out so you can wear them twice as long. (Laura Goodwin, LaLaura )
you have the pizza place on speed dial. (Matt Duxbury, autobahn )
instead of cleaning for guests, you just keep the lights low. (Matt D.)
paper towels double as dishes. (Matt D.)
BEER is the freshest item in the fridge. (Matt D.)
...beer is the ONLY item in the fridge.
you never listen to your messages when a female is around (Matt D.)
your entire house is trashed except for you entertainment center, which you lovingly polish every day (Amy R.).
If cooking anything longer than five minutes is a waste of time (Marc L., glumarc )
The last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in (Marc L.)
A dress shirt is "fine" if it only has one or two wrinkles in it (Marc L.)
You think you left your tie on the nightstand...or was it the closet? (Marc L.)
You don't feel guilty about leaving the lid up (Marc L.)

You might be in the army if...

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 12:00:00 +0000

* hoah! is your answer to every question in life. (jlewis)
you make your kids pull fireguard and cq.
your family's favorite hair style is a high and tight.
you wont let your wife go to the px because the laundry room failed inspection.
you have a perimeter set up around your house that even rambo wouldn't want to full with.
your kids weekend pass status is determined by their pt scores.
you see no problem with wearing BDU's to church.
"lights out" is at 2100 hrs every night.
you make your kids fill out a sick call slip when they stay home from school.
smoking has two meanings for you.
your kids can do the 15 count inspection arms in their sleep.
From JumpinKerkie:
o you place sector stakes on the front porch.
o when camping, your family must dig a defelade for your RV.
o your kids must clear housing when they leave for college.
o your baby's first words are "All ok, Jumpmaster!"
o your kids must perform ten pull-ups before entering the dining room.
o your wife's favorite lipstick colors are loam and light green.
o your car is held together by 550 cord.
o you refer to your son as Boy, Steven Type, 1 Each.
o all of your kids sentences contain at least 7 F words.
From Ray:
o when "dig in and do the work" really means DIG.
o when "We are in this togather" means you go first.
o when "We will Win easily" means you go first.
o when "understrenth enemy" means you go first.
o when "Victory is near" means you go first.
o when "Rations have arrived" you go last.
From Kyle:
o you think it is perfectly normal to jump out of an airplane at 800 ft. at 2 in the morning
o you say to your wife "what's for chow" or "honey that was real good chow"
o any kids in your neighborhood wear a beret when they go out to play
o edge the sidewalk in front of your house with an E-Tool
o your nicest set of clothes is your "Class A's"
o you cut the grass in a set of jungle boots, Army PT shirt, and cut off BDUs.
o you dread someone saying "I'm from the IG and I'm help."
From Miranda:
o everytime you hang up the phone you say "Out" instead of "Bye."
o you have more sets of BDUs than civilian clothes.
o you annoy your family with your favorite cadences.
o your dog's name is Ranger.
o you look forward to getting your clothing allowance each year so you can actually shop a little.
o you own more pairs of combat boots than all of your shoes combined.
o you spend your spare time polishing your boots.
o you go bowling with your buddies and as each person goes you yell, "Fire in the hole!!"
o you view going to the field as a camping vacation from work.
o your family eats MREs.
o your family thinks nothing's wrong when you've been gone for at least a month.
o you think waking up at 7am in sleeping in.
o your family's best friends are in the Army too.
o you can't tell your parents what you do for a living because it's classified.
o you jump for joy when you have a few extra bucks after paying the bills so you can get groceries.
o you tell little kids playing hide-and-seek that it would work better in BDUs.
o your stomach can't handle "real food" anymore, only MREs and T-Rats.
o you can't understand the fascination people have with being able to drive HUM-Vs around and playing with guns.
after your Army boyfriend asks you a question ending with, Hooah??
You talk to your mom and dad and say: roger and negative with each question they ask.
You are discharged from the Army and still drop and push 10 out when you do one little thing wrong.
You make a list of details for your S.O. to do while your gone to work and you inspect his work when you get home.
You are discharged from the Army and still can't walk straight, meaning you still march around and turn corners funny.
You carry everything in your left hand when you've been out for a year.
You deploy and hook up a stereo system in your Hummwv with small speakers and get away with it.
You deploy and your mom sends you bags of M&M's for your missions to share with your team members.
You are a female and after learning that you can't look like GI Jane with no hair you still want to shave your head even though its against the Army standards.
You can run faster than most men in your company.
You are discharged from the Army and your best clothes are still your Class A's.
MRE's are your favorite food over pizza.
Your favorite thing to do at 0430 is PT.

The many ends of the internet

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Diary of an AOL User

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

One of my favorites from long ago.
July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it's the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me another. I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn't work. I can't get online.
July 25 That kid next door hooked up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 The kid showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone?
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online, not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard?
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTERS MAKER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN'T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT'S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, I WANT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT, BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN'T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. JEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN'T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. JEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

You might be an Animaniacs fan if...

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

you've tried to outdo Yakko's singing of the dictionary by singing the Encylopedia. (Lynxan)
you've suspected that your successful friend might be a chicken. (Lynxan)
you yell "potty emergency" every time you need to go. ( Deena )
you can sing the words to Wakko's "America"...
...or Yahoo's "World"...
when telling your friends something, you always start with "Are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
whenever in the hospital, you have the urge to say, "Helllooooooo Nurse!"

You might be watching too much anime if...

Mon, 28 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

Submitted from http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/4563/toomuchanime.htm

you can speak intelligently in Japanese about spirits, demons, war, death, tournaments, magic, and profoundly soppy love affairs, but the prospect of buying a movie ticket leaves you tongue-tied.
"hai," "baka," and "hentai" come to your lips so easily that sometimes you have difficulty remembering what the English words are.
none of your friends study Japanese, but thanks to you, they all have 50-word vocabularies.
and if they used them in front of their moms, they'd get their mouths washed out with soap.
you go native, to the point of buying Japanese rice in 20-pound bags and clearing all of the furniture out of your living room so you can sit on the floor.
it's 3 am, and you and your best friend are on the brink of a fistfight over whether Ranma-chan or Ranma-kun is cuter.
you have a Ranma outfit.
and so does your significant other.
you're keeping an eye on your little sister for signs of slacking off during school, making eyes at the school's only bishonen, and disappearing suspiciously often for "slumber parties," because if she becomes a magic girl, you want in on the action.
your friends stage an intervention.
but only because they want your tapes.
some poor ex-mugger still hears the words "LEKKA SHINEN!" in his nightmares.
you never bothered getting your new apartment hooked up to cable, and even Babylon 5 is a take-it-or-leave-it thing but anyone who gets in the way of your mission to get the next Slayers volume is dead.
only, if you'd written the last sentence, you would have worded it, ``Anyone who gets in my way is Nakago.''
you've contemplated growing your hair long so that you can put it up in dumplings.
and you're a guy.
you feel like less of a woman because you can't put away 5,000 calories in one sitting.
you're despondent because your chances to become an anime heroine are completely shot--you can cook.
you refer to 21 as "over the hill," and get more depressed the closer that day comes; you're not ready to join the forces of evil, dammit!
it's not a bad hair day, it's a Zelgadis hair day.
your parents draw you aside and ask you whether you're a Satanist, since all of those symbols you practice drawing in your notebooks look awfully suspicious to them.
your kids think that cartoons are supposed to have writing at the bottom.

You might be a gamer if...

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

[caption id="attachment_279" align="alignright" width="160" caption="Pound of Dice on Amazon"][/caption]

You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG".

You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll)

You use game stats to describe things in real life.

You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo".

The game master smiles, and you know it's too late.

Your blood pressure rises when the subject of "Dark Dungeons" comes up.

You know the difference between a glaive-guisarm and a voulge.

You know the singular form of the word "dice".

You aced the die-rolling section of your statistics exam.

You can figure the odds (in your head) of getting a certain result when rolling variable sized dice pools.

You know that all dice are not square shaped.

You own a 30 or a 100 sided die.

You own a seven sided die.

losing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow.

you could paper you bathroom in character sheets.

you could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character.

you are unable to walk past the latest TSR supplement without leafing through it, even though you know it's going to be bad.

you have more entertaining "No-shit,-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than you do anecdotes about your family.

you talk about your characters as if they are real people.

you alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the third person.

and none of your friends gets confused.

you've ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game rules that you didn't like... and, as soon as the system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.

when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the kind that they give you during a college final exam.

you worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement.

you burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard.

you will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.

you've ever seen the old AD&D tv series.

you're still reading this list.

you hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good role- play.

you've ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in a game... (You are so dead! I am not dead!)

you've ever neglected to buy the new edition of your favourite game because you already have three.

you have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text.

you keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system again. (Never mind that its TS: SI)

You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI.

you have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even though you failed high school geometry.

you can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session.

you consider Altoids, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and blue Teeni Hugs a balanced diet. (or even an acceptable combination.)

you have been known to drive to far away places where you paid enormous amounts of money for the privelege of sleeping on floors, eating crap, buying little pewter statues of Gandalf, and meeting dozens of psychopathic members of the alternate (or similar) sex who will follow you around for months, merely for the pleasure of playing with gamers you don't know.

and then signed up en masse with all of you friends to play in games with game masters who you've known since high school.

you own your own weight in gaming books.

the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they know where you live.

you can do AD&D money conversions in your head.

you could wallpaper you bedroom in Dragon Mirths (tm).

you consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great literature.

you consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phis & Dixie" the redeeming feature of Magic: The Gathering.

you consider the 20th century a state of mind.

you have a random NPC generator, written in BASIC, designed to run on the Trash-80 or the Commodore 64.

you've ever designed your own character sheets.

you can be more that three NPCs at the same time without generating more than reasonable confusion in your players.

you have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or "beard" ANYWHERE in his or her name.

you know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typing- required a blood sample. I'M not getting it...)

you've ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or other PW/OC (Person With/Out Clue).

you've suceeded.

you've played Talisman more than once.

you've finished a game of Talisman.

more than once.

you're STILL reading this list.

you can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.
you've mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and had a THAC0 low enough to hit the 8HD monster, anyway...
you understood that.
you carry AD&D insurance.
your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself.
an 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.
you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.
you've ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that you like their character better than you do them.
you have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or something similar.)
you've ceased responding to your birth name.
you spend more money on dice than on food.
you sometimes forget what century this is.
your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my axe."
you know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.
your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your conversations.
you have more gaming books than the local hobby store.
you've discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler.
you knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than they can use?
you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a: you thought it was funny b: your parents got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.
you're sortof dissapointed that you haven't reached the level where they start teaching you the real spells (as described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: You're sure you must be a high enough level.
you've been gaming for more than half of your life.
you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."
the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories.

you can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from "what's New With Phil & Dixie."
you knew a female gamer once.
you were a female gamer once.
you tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and what have you as possible, just to confuse your friends.
(For New Englanders only) You were able to find stuff at "Flock, Stock, and Barrel."
you've been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative merits of Champions, V&V, Marvel, and DC heroes... ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are intrinsically sucky.
you like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called them all, "sucky."
you've thought of four or five additions to this list.
you actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first came out.
you've ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a haemophiliac werewolf.
someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and you immediately start thinking in terms of 10X10 squares.
or 6'x6' hexes.
your first though upon walking into a friend's domicile is to reflect on where you'd put the machine-gun nest.
you and your friends have spent a screening of "The Crow" assigning vampire clans to the various characters.
you actually wear that little ankh that comes in the Vampire Live-Action box...in everyday life.
you've ever gotten wierd looks from other customers at places like Denny's or IHOP because of the nature of your conversations.
a friend of yours screws something up and you respond with, "looks like you failed your _________ roll."
you've actually paid to have custom fangs made.
you wear these fangs in everyday life (not to mention Renaissance festivals).
you've ever argued against a combat rule based on your experience in the SCA/Military/Police, etc.
you have a dozen things in mind for when you come across a magic lamp.
when you talk about the "good old days" you mean when games cost $12 and came with their own dice.

If you played a different game every night, you'd need a fifty-day week to use your RPG collection to its full extent.
The six-siders in your dice bag have been worn down to the point that they look like 20-siders.
your car and/or home is falling apart, you're wearing the same clothes you wore in the 1980's, and you miss meals regularly, but you've got the money in the bank for the next year's worth of <insert favorite game company>'s products.
If your computer broke down, your biggest worry is how you'd print out your character sheets.
you can cite the differences between "official" Star Trek, and FASA Star Trek, and Star Fleet Battles.
your character has more close friends than you do.
you have more Star Frontiers modules than you have close friends.
you could write a biography of your character easier than you could write your own autobiography.
you think that such a biography WOULD BE an autobiography.
you can't find your favorite shirt, but you know where all the dice that came with your first D&D set are.
you remember when games gave you tips on "inking" dice with crayon.
you can give no fewer than six different speeches on "what is roleplaying?", verbatim, from the introductions to different games.
you've bought a game even though you didn't like the genre or the rules, so that you could fix the rules and convert them to a different genre.
you've looked into how much it would cost to build a castle
there is virtually no game that you can't name the genre, company, or country of origin for (Hunter Planet, anyone?).
your most important criteria for a mate is that they're a gamer, too.
you're a hetero male and you've considered changing orientation just to find a mate to meet that criterion (that's a word, right?).
you've ever written a speech for your character to make just in case he should find himself in such a situation.
you remember when all games referred to characters as "he".
Your idea of a fun Friday night consists of getting the gang together and playing for eight or more hours.
The only reason you want a lake cabin is so you and the gang can go up there and play non-stop all weekend without any distractions.
You finally get to the point where you look at everything on the shelves and say "*I* can do a better job than these bozos!"
You actually get a chance to do just that.
...and you succeed!
Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was cool...that means he's got Swing Sword +20 and Look Cool In Armor +15.")

You write a parody of the RPG industry, and it's also a game.
...and one of the companies you slam picks it up for its "Mature" imprint and distributes it gleefully.
You go into business as a consultant on the RPG industry.
...and you actually are *hired*! (Neener-neener!)
You branch out from RPGs into the stuff that game was derived from so you make better sense of the bloody thing. (Gamers-turned-Otaku, Gamers-turned-occultists, Gamers-turned-goths, Gamers-turned-military personel, Gamers-turned-martial artists, etc.)
...and you *still* don't stop playing! (Loyal man! I like you!)
You remember when there was none of this "no exclusively (fe)male viewpoint" bullshit.
...or when there was none of this "no cussing" crap either.
You make up songs like "Livin in the Kaer" and "Fun Fun Fun (Till the Horror took her Free Will Away)"
You've written character histories that are longer than most novels...
...For Paranoia Characters.
You Watch war documentaries with GURPS Vehicles so you can tell how much damage the 4-inch Naval Gun using an APX shell does.
You spend five hours converting Modern Aircraft, when you run a fantasy campaign.
You can quote the exact chance of a 1st-level Mage defeating an Umber hulk from memory, though a Voydanoi takes a little work.
You break your leg, but insist on using a 'Recovery Test' before calling the ambulance.
You have a list of what all the potions taste like.
Your resume descrivbes you as a '5th-Level Civil Engineer'
Drac's Raving at you.
You've figured out that the Average AD&D Great Wyrm Red Dragon has 7 cubic feet of treasure.
You Demand Experience points after winning a fistfight.
You have a nickname that makes no sense because one of your characters had it.
You Buy Dragon Magazine "For the Articles."
You Worship TSR.
You Detest T$R.
You've ever constructed yourself as a character.
You've got more tables than all the restaurants in town.
You know how to use dice as weapons.
You use phrases like 'Save vs. Graduation or go insane for 1d4 days.'
You know how many hit points every member of your family has.
You know that you can fit 20 d4's together to make a large d20 because you've actually tried it.
You are not cleared for this information.
You're up until 5:30 in the morning posting to rec.games.frp.misc.

-Your subscription copy of Dragon shows up in the mail one month, and you realize it's the hundredth consecutive issue you've bought. (In my case, it was 187).
-You own consecutive issues farther back than that.
-You've read every issue from 55 on up.
-You're still looking for the rest.
-You've almost hit this point with Polyhedron.
-You remember when White Dwarf was an AD&D magazine.
-You bought a copy of the French-language edition of Dragon, even though you can't read French, because it had Second Edition rules for the Anti-Paladin class, and even though you don't like the class, you know that having that issue will really annoy the Anti-Paladin fans in your gaming club.
Game dealers at Gencon recognize you and know your name, even though it's your first time at Gencon.
you remember GenCon in tents.
You collect things shaped liked dice or with dice in them (drink stirrers, pens with dice-in-water in the end, brass dice sets, dice bookends...)
You still have a set of dice-shaped cushions made as a gesture of understanding by your mom
When you finally settle down with a loved one and build a home, you insist on designing a Gaming Room into the house
And getting the stamped concrete patio/pergola/driveway done in hexagons
You own "Intoduction to Traveller"
Or the Traveller Supplement "Forms and Charts"
You know which number Supplement that last one was
You know which Sci-Fi novel series was the inspiration for Traveller's Imperium
You don't just have maps of places that don't exist - you've had at least one of them made into a Globe
You collect building plans (viewed from above) to use as Site Maps for games
You have examples of weapons from your games in the house - "so the players can't argue about how heavy/long/clumsy/etc they are..."
(For the [mostly] male gamers) You meet couples through your spouse/partner and form only a casual acquaintance with the half of the pair of the same gender as yourself - until one day, after months/years of having known them, one of you drops some gaming reference like "looks like a kobold" or "don't mind me - I've got a 12-point hide" (the more obscure the better) - and suddenly you're best of mates, and they seem to have value as a person now
While you have a number of friends, only Gamers reach the status of Mates
You buy CDs of specific music (or sounds) just to use as background atmosphere for gaming
You've ever found yourself associating with people who you'd otherwise avoid in public - because they were Gamers
You have a place where the paraphernalia of your gaming youth is displayed for the curious as a sort of shrine to "the good old days"
You have three or more dice-boxes (one in use, the others retired, holding seldom-used (or antique, faithful) dice, or doing duty on the Gaming Shrine [above])
You can remember where at least three Gaming shops USED to be located in your town/city, before they moved, were demolished or disappeared
You whoop with joy on rolling a 20 for hit location with a Gauss Rifle on your first hit on an opponent
You know which game that must be in
You know the TWO meanings of the term "AC20"
You keep custom clipboards (or similar contrivances) in the house for your gaming pals to keep their character sheets on when they come over
Your memories of the best times your character(s) had when living their game-lives are sweeter and more worth retelling than the best times you had in your actual youth (partially because you were too busy gaming - and writing rules expansions you hardly used - to get out and have a life)
You've ever written to a game designer personally
They replied!
You've phoned a game designer to chat about a game of theirs and where it's going
It's a game they haven't even released yet
From your computer, where you are now, you can look around and see most or all of your gaming gear
You own a pin-on badge that says "Incoming Fire Has The Right Of Way"
You still have the original three-booklet set of Traveller
AND the box it came in
OR the booklet-form of D&D (before the hardbound version hit the streets)
You feel that Gaming has played a part in your developing a personal philosophy
Your life-philosophy manifests as your taking Gaming seriously while taking most of the rest of life light-heartedly - the complete opposite to the way most of society seems to work
Your spouse/partner agrees with the rest of society and wishes you would take life as seriously as you do Gaming
You have a feeling that God is a big Gamemaster, we're all just Characters, and Life, viewed from the outside, is a Game after all
You've submitted to this list.
And got your submission accepted!
You get $30.00 in a surprise windfall, and don't drink it, but instead spend it on that supplement that you noted was at the local store.
If you purposely stashed the supplement behind/near/out of its normal place so that nobody else buys it out from under you.
You've moved the above back to your special hiding spot after store personnel reshelve it.
You've thought about designing a game, and actually wrote more than 20 or so pages.
and self-published it!
All of oyur friends say, "You should start a game company."
You do, and they end up working for you, until they leave to start their own.
You find yourself teaching new players the ropes so often, you now have a down-pat speech, readily translatable to any game system for newcomers.
You have no non-gamer friends, or you limit contact with such people.
When describing a game scenario with your pals, you get real excited, waving your arms, drawing a crowd. Phrases like, "Man, we %^&*$%^ wasted 'em! Took out the tank with an RPG, then L-T was rocking out on the '60..." everything goes fine, as the crowd draws near, wanting to hear more, until you say, "Then I took a round, BLAM! 45 H.P." And the crowd leaves, saying, "Oh, it was ONLY A GAME."
You get mad, BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE, DAMMIT!
You don't think anything is wrong with the previous statement.
You use issues of Guns & Ammo for the tech specs on your latest weapon supplement you're adding to your game.
You know the BattleTech Hit location charts from memory, so that you don't need to use 'em anymore.
In fact, you know 'em so well, THE GROUP doesn't use 'em any more, THEY USE YOU.
When someone asks you, "Level Three fall, what's the piloting skill mod?", you know what they mean.
You, reading this, know what it means.
You not only know what it means, but can yell out what page it is on.
And you're correct!
And you get mad when somebody checks up on you, to see if it was the right page!
When you search the internet nightly for cool gaming software for your PC.
and you found this list by doing that! (Like I did.)
and you add to this list, to keep the spirit of gaming alive! (Like I did!)
You've learned more about space, and science fiction from playing traveller, rather than watching COSMOS by Carl Sagan, like everybody else.
You're in the military, and the best tactics you've got came from your pre-military gaming days (or they improve daily, in continuing nightly sessions at the barracks/ship/base/etc.)
You know more military tactics and strategy than most officers at your military post.
...Than ALL of the officers at your local military post.
...COMBINED!
You know more than three definitions of the acronym RPG.
You were around when SPI was.
You KNOW what SPI was.
You still have some of their games around.
You know what AH stands for, and have copies of any of the following: U-BOAT, MIDWAY, GETTYSBURG.
... and they're less than 10 years older than you are.
You were around when the only games out were CHAINMAIL, METAMORPHOSIS ALPHA, GAMMA WORLD 1st ed., and TRAVELLER.
and you bought 'em, cause they were "What the cool grown-up college kids were playing."
And you still have 'em.
IN THE ORIGINAL BOXES!
You remained loyal thorough the right-wing religious anti-gaming crusade.
You know what to say (delicately, without sloppy missionary fervor) when someone says, "Oh, you don't play that "Dungeoens & Dragons thing, DO YOU?!?!?!?!
You know the real tragic truth about Dallas Egbert.
...and you learned it by reading the book on it, "The Dungeon Master." (Required reading, IMHO, for all DM's, and players, BTW.)
You'd rather game that visit your boy/girlfriend.
...That's how you met them.
And then got married. (It didn't work for me. Your mileage may differ.)
And got divorced, OVER GAMES! (Like me. She was fantasy, I was Sci Fi/Military.)
You see a car crash, or accident on T.V., and scream, "Oooh, CRIT!"
You've said, "Roll initiative" more times than you've sung your countries' national anthem.
You tried gaming outside, for that "Natural, Woodland Atmosphere." Ahhh.
Until you found out the hard way about the ^&#%^&* WIND, when it blew all of your maps/character sheets away.
...and you felt that they were so irreplaceable, you chased after them, tripped on a root, fell, and split open your knee.
... while your friends were yelling stuff like, "Cleric, bind wounds! Cure Light! Etc."
and you thought it was so funny you peed all over yourself laughing.
You're STILL reading this list!
You're REALLY thinking of adding to this list, now.
You've actually played a halfling, but kept telling everybody you were a "Hobbit."
You read the issue of Phil & Dixie, about, "Hey, the phone is circular-metal-banding!"
and you thought it was funny.
And you know what I'm writing about.
and you're remembering it now, and how funny it was.
You realize that this list is a common bond, among all gamers, of all races, in all countries, and that the Internet is just amazing, and that now, games will only get even better.
And you're looking forward to that. (poignant, emotional sniff.)
. . You think that that the D&D progression is Basic, Expert, Advanced.
after your GM sort of explains what thet monster looks like you know your exact roll needed to hit and how much damage it can take
you know how to roll the dice to get any number you want
you don't need any gaming books because you have every detail memorized
but you always keep two copies handy just in case
you keep up with your character's kingdom's politics more carefully than your own country's
you scream in pain whenever your character takes damage
you know all the exact somatic and verbal components of you wizard's spells
you keep a copy of your character in your wallet
your GM thinks you live in his house
your GM thinks your married to him
your characer has killed more than one Tarrasque
you get your friends and your character's friends mixed up
after a fistfight you search whoever you knocked out
you've ever played your defiler in the Tank Girl R.P.G.
you've ever played the Tank Girl R.P.G.
you were highly offended by that last comment
you've played The Wizard's Challenge more than once
you created a random die generator in DOS using BASIC commands
any of your characters has ever broken a staff of power or a staff of the magi for a retributive strike
and lived
you changed your name so that your initials read R.P.G.
you ever started a character as evil
you missed the O.J. Simpson trial because you were on this really long adventure
one of your wizards has ever roasted another person's characer with a fireball, then commented, "Hey, he was a dwarf. He didn't need that extra constitution point anyway
you've ever had a character named Rath or Delsenora
you've ever played as the player and the GM because noone was around to play with
you own the Japaneese version of any of the Final Fantasy series
you read the entire Encyclopedia Magica set
you know what a claymore is and what it looks like
your characer has created more spells than TSR
you have the BATTLESYSTEM rules memorized
you have the BATTLESYSTEM rules
you have the SPELLJAMMER rules memorized
you have the SPELLJAMMER rules
you have the Players Option rules memorized
you have had more than one paladin character
you wonder why I didn't just write: you have the Players Options rules
you understand the Rift alignment rules and actually use them
you've named EVERY one of your dice.
you remember all their names.
you realized that there ain't that many names in the world.
when people talk about AC Adaptors, you misinterpret the meaning.
It need to budget your money in gaming sessions.
The constant squinting and reading during gaming sessions has made you permanantely nearsighted.
You've ever spent more time in a single gaming session than a Jerry Lewis Marathon.
You do this regularly.
You've ever taught your children to read using your game books.
Your collection of gaming books are worth more to you than your car.
Your House
Your Firstborn child
Your learned about sex during your gaming sessions.
You see every monster or person in every movie you see and think of it in game terms.
You've screamed at the TV "Hey, He can't do that, he didn't have the right material components.
You've ever had your character create bateries for the Laser pistol in the Robe of Useless Items
You've played Raistlin
You've played Raistlin and kicked Takhisis' butt
You don't give a shit about Raistlin, Tanis was far more interesting.
You know what the hell I'm talking about
You've ever bought really old and crap games simply for their historic value as collector's items
You've written for an gaming fanzine
You've published a gaming fanzine
not on the internet
and it lasted more than one issue
and it made money
You're getting more and more worried the further you go down this list, because it's getting closer and closer to reality
or you weren't worried before, but after reading the above, you are now
Cheers, Steve Darlington, Brisbane, Australia.
you watched the film The Fifth Element and knew the answer to the final puzzle stright away.
so did all the guys you went to see it with
you can remember the uproar over "Mazes and Monsters".
you were upset when "Wormy" disappeared, even if you didn't understand what the hell it was about.
you get annoyed in action movies because "my character certainly wouldn't have done that!"
you were torn between a desire to preserve your Dragon magazines and rip off their covers for wall art.
You have worked out what Runequest cult Xena belongs to
You saw Starship Troopers and wondered why they didn't use FGMP's and Battle Dress
You know what a FGMP is
You refer to the "Law Level" of your city
You go to the domestic airport to get a flight and tell ppl "I am going to the C class starport"
You played the mini solo adventures to T&T..like Goblin Lake
You thought the pictures in S1 enhanced the experience of the module...even the sliding into the burning pit one
You now wear glasses cause you read the original C&C rules
You understand what Arduin was about...and used it
You used a copy of the character sheet that came with Space Opera
You have realised that you are getting older cause your V&V character is now not as effective in physical stats
You call your ATM card a cred chip
When you go onto the freeway you refer to it as entering jump
You go to the Burning Man cause you heard that Greg Stafford went there
You worry about mining operations in Antarctica, not because of the environmental damage but that they could awaken the Elder Things
If you're still taking additions to the list, here's mine: ...you find yourself mixing plotlines and characters from two or more settings (this actually happened to me...I was reading a Cyberpunk sourcebook and thought, geez, Israel has some really good guns, too bad they're co-opted as part of the Setite-Nephandi coalition... before I realized that that was from White Wolf)
you've ever written out the IQ, ME, MA, PS, PP, PE, PB, and Spd of your real-life friends, and yourself.
you've ever assigned skills and proficiency levels to your friends and yourself.
you've spent weeks practicing at the gun range just so you too could have Weapon Proficiency: Automatic Pistol.
you stalk the streets at night, hoping to steal someone's PPE.
one of your characters has died of old age.
you can quote from the Recollections of Erin Tarn.
you're afraid the Coalition will steal your dog and send him to Lone Star.
you joined the SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism), but nobody will fight you because you insist that their SDC weapons have no effect on your armor.
you divorced your wife/husband because the two of you have different alignments.
you wrote a book containing all the spells your characters have created.
said book has been published.
none of the pimps in your city approach you because you keep asking them if they have any energy rifles for sale.
you've offered said pimps your SAMAS power armor in exchange for a "favor".
you find yourself on this page.
you find yourself laughing at this page.
if you can quote characters from the fictional pieces that litter the varios books.
if you know who coolwillie and jerj are.
you've ever scared the shit out of a monk because you asked if he had a Wizard Scroll of Easy Wenching
you've ever attacked a neighbor's lawn gnomes because they resembled those bastard dwarves that betrayed you in your last campaign
you bring a sleeping bag, twigs, flint, tinder, and Dale's Wonder Sword Polish! to every game just for the 'authenticity'
you've ever written a fully comprehensive item, weapon, and clothing guide with complete cross-referencing by size, weight, and color, including an easily understood random roll listing
and never used it, because you made the list from memory
you believe the sole purpose of learning algebra is to figure out easier ways to calculate HP while taking into account armour weight, dexterity, constitution, and the gravitational pull on the shield, all at the same time
You understood that.
You've ever screamed, "DEAR GOD NO! DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!" and ducked behind a lamp because someone didn't do a Detect Traps check.
Your excuse for failing a test is your Int. roll sucked
Your friends stare at everything you give them---whether it be food, paper, or moldy grapes you found in the bottom of your refrigerator---because they know you are prone to putting clues to future puzzles on the oddest things
You've ever found yourself sitting on the floor in a dark room, surrounded by people you don't know, playing a game you've never heard of, with a character you made three minutes before hand, and yet you can still quote the character names, stats, and weaponry of everyone in the room
Your campaigns are a mix of five different games with rules, weapons, and races from all of them
and your player's don't notice
you insist of making Charisma checks before flirting with someone
Your parameters for respecting someone are their Charisma and the Armour Class
You have no clue what your best friend's real name because you met him/her in a game
You refer to your teachers as 'Sir' and 'Milady'
You never answer a question on a test without attempting to summon the Mirmir
You knew what that was
You've ever created your own faction ... You've ever openly advocated your faction
You've ever gotten into an argument with your character because you want a Grapple and she wants a Particle Beam Blaster
and lost
You've ever created an entire bible for a faction
and discarded it because it was too limiting
You've ever attacked a complete stranger because your faction regarded theirs as "threatening"
You've ever gone through an entire day speaking in gibberish because your Babble spell didn't get canceled before the game ended
Planescape. 'Nuff said.
When your character dies, you hold a full-service funeral and morn for at least two weeks before creating another.
Your pets only respond to you when you act in character.
Nachoes become fine cuisine.
You actually create languages for games just so you can get the feeling of talking to real elves.
Your excuse for everything wrong in your life is that your GM hates you.
You feel guilty if you have more than one character at a time.
Your character gets more mail than you do.
You don't realize that the dragon you fought is not an excuse for being late.
Your internal clock is set to the game time.
Your best threat is that you will send your character to cast "Beffudle" on someone and them use "Binding" to hold him over a Pit of Orcs.
You've memorized where all of the towns and castles are in your campaign, but can't even tell someone where Canada is.
You panic because you only have 10 bags of Cheetos left.
Every time you meet someone, you almost introduce yourself as your character.
You are dating one of the NPC's in your campaign.
and see nothing wrong with it.
You pray to your GM.
You can actually say that you have more game books than the game store.
You have more meaningful arguements in a game than in real life. (Mostly because no one will talk to you in real life.)
You wonder what I ment when I said "Real life".
You actually do all the things on this list, just to be considered a real gamer.
You actually care wether your AC is -8 or -7.
You've actually had an AC that low.
You make a new character, and in four days he is level 10.
You make death threats at your friends' characters when they piss you off.
You buy a ring in real life that is 3 sizes too big, because rings are supposed to fit everyone, no matter what, right?
You bother to worry about how much weight your character carries and use the encumberance rules.
You refer to Driver's Ed as "training in piloting automobiles.
you've ever looked at a particularly threatening background around a teacher/professor (dark clouds, purple lightning, the end boss from Doom II, etc.) and assumed they were in actuality a lesser Demon of Slaanesh.
you've found sufficient evidence to prove that one of your teachers/professors is actually a lesser Demon of Slaanesh.
you disagreed with me on that last point.
when you and a fellow PC's character get into a fight, you go to the closet and break out the ornamental broadswords.
you've ever toured Scotland and England in hopes that you would be able to open a dimensional Rift.
during said visit, you scared the crap out of the Archbishop of Canterbury by asking him to open said rift.
you pissed on your father's grave because he used to call you "fairy boy" for playing Dungeons & Dragons.
you opened a gateway to the Eye of Terror on your father's grave because he used to call you "fairy boy" for playing Dungeons & Dragons.
you play Warhammer 40K....with 1:1 scale.
you entered a Trekkie convention and shouted "screw the Klingon language! I know Elven!"
Trekkies look down their noses at you.
you stayed up on Christmas eve, waiting for Santa with a NG-57 Northern Gun Heavy-duty Ion Blaster...little did you realize that the jolly elf was a full conversion Borg...
you're so far gone as to offer thousands of credits for "pre-Rifts" paper money.
you've been shot because of this offer.
You know that in the basic rule book of Rifts, every 10th, 3rd, and 14th word will spell out complete conversion rules from TSR to Palladium rules.
You're going to get that book now to see it.
You found out that I lied and are now about to send me a hate e-mail.
You find a combination of letters from a book that do work, and e-mail with it and tell me I'm an idiot. (In which case I will hunt you down and pummel you to death with that book)
You don't care about that because you already know how to do that.
The writers of your favorite game call you for advice on their new source book.
You can't seem to escape the feeling that you should be... rolling... something... but what?
You base an NPC on your girlfriend as a birthday present.
And she loves it.
You actually enjoy being the GM. (That would be me.)
You hold an intervention to stop your friend from always being a juicer.
You have sexually fantasies about the tough chic NPC in your campaign.
You carry a pencil, a bag of dice, and your character sheet in case of a spontaneous game session.
You tell everyone that your pet is your animal familiar.
Your memories of "the good old days" involve cheese balls, and a really long campaign.
You've been to a hundred bars and taverns in your games, but only one in real life so you could get the ambiance to make the ones in the game seem more real.
Your GM has to teach you the hard way not to go around his traps. (That's why I enloy being GM)
You play Strip D&D.
You cried when your freind's character dies, but didn't even go to your grandmother funeral because it was on the day of your campaign.
You tell your friend that spending $4500 to fix up his car was a waste of money, then go home to your $6000 dollars worth of RPG books.
You have 3 minutes to evacuate your home, and you save all of your RPG books and dice, leaving a pricless painting, four family heirlooms, and $700,000 worth of precious gems and metals.
The pizza guy has been to your house during your gaming sessions so many times, that he greets you all by your characters' names.
You have no money, your bills are three months overdue, and you owe a total of $50000 dollars to various organizations, but your character could buy an entire army and arm them into invincible war machines and rule the world as a novelty and still have enough left over to buy off his enemies for the next 800 years.
But your character lives by voluntary simplicity and only owns food and a couple weapons, like you. Except you sold your weapons for more rule books, and cheese balls and pretzles are the closest thing to food you know of.
You've actually played an RPG online.
You greet everyone with "Well met, my friend."
Your charactter actually has a well paying job.
But you have never held a steady job for more than a week.
You honestly believe you have connections with a powerrful warlord.
You have ever played a game with your parents.
You were GMing a game with your little brother and he dies, and you were grounded for letting him die.
You can easily use up a 10-game card at the local lasergame hall
a week
Being no. 1 on the list of top ten lasertag/warhammer/magic etc. players just isn't enough- your name is the ONLY name that should be on that list.
You actually compary yourself with some of these symptoms
You have more dragon necklaces than underwear
The only *real* reason you ever got into computers whas that someone told you that you could make text-adventures in BASIC- and that's the only kind of adventures you can play since your friends abandonned you when you became to weird a long time ago
If told a mythical creature, you automatically name it's features, races, homelands and where the myth came up-not to mention which cultures it appeared in. (The Golem, anyone?)
When Magic the Gathering appeared, you created your own custom-cardgame RPG (? la DS, if some1 remember) using a standard card deck, and insisted that you should always be allowed to play the joker!
You mix up your own memories with your character's ("yeah, it's just like when I... No, wait that was my second-latest D&D magician")
You can't wait until you've read all this so that you can add your own comments
You've actually spent ridiculous sums on a second-hand mouse-mat just because there was a cool dragon on it (like me ():-)
You work as a medium- not using Anything like Tarot or I Ching, but you've learned every system from all of your fav. games.
You conisistently inform people that it's not "Carpe Diem"(sieze the day) but "Carpe D.M." (sieze the Dungeon Master.)
Or "Carp a D.M." (Hit the Dungeon Master with a fish.)
Or "Car: Pay D.M." (you ride with him, you chip in for gas.)
You grow up, get married, have kids ... then homeschool said kids so you'll have someone to play with during the week.
And you reason to get the kids reading early: so they can make characters that you know nothing about & be more fun to play with.
Your nightmares run in slow motion...not because of terror, but because there's arguments about what the NPC villains and monsters can do.
After years of playing dwarf characters, you find yourself naming the tools of your trade after favorite IC axes.
You forget what your parents named your first character. (if you're scratching your head over this one, it's your real name)
You're STILL reading this list!
You know you're a gamer when you can't remember your kid's name, but call him by his character's name instead.
You really know you're a gamer when your kid thinks that /is/ his name.
you don't go out with your friends on a saturday night, because your character has an important date.
you find yourself jealous of your character's significant other.
you're LOOKING for someone like your character's significant other.
if you write up "You might be a gamer if ... " stuff, even after the list has gotten this long.
you don't just have more than your weight in gaming books, but a desk and two bookcases dedicated to your gaming. (dunno about you, but I have desk, two bookcases, one whole computer with gig hd & 56K modem, and 20 square feet of floor space dedicated!)
you compulsively mail or ship things to people (sometimes at great explense) because whatever it is reminds you of their character.
you buy a the new brand of toilet paper (or anything else for that matter) because it has the same name as the insane character of your's that'd get a kick out of it.
you can not only prove that your teachers/profs are lesser Demons of Slaanesh, but have seen them performing their unholy rites.
the last time you tried to make your character do something that wasn't "in character" they (the character) argued with you ...
and won.
you see "Semper Satyr" and you immediately think "Always Horny."
someone mentions pixies and you immediately start swearing and wonder what they're going to foul up.
you're sure that the class bully you knew in first grade was really an Orc.
you've ever eaten "bad dice" in a fit of frustration.
you get picked up by the police, and spend all evening trying saying "but I'm LAWFUL-Evil, really!"
your excuse to the boss ever goes "But I HAVE to leave work early, I left my partyin the dragon's den! No, really!"
when you see a praying mantis and mistake it for a tryklene (SP?) and kill it ... oops.
you know what the thing I was that I'm not sure about the spelling of.
you get kicked out of a camp site for running around at midnight tryng to bite the rangers. (Boys and Girls, please do NOT try this at home!)
or because you were howling at the moon.
or if you've ever said "But officer, I had to punch him, I blew my rage roll!"
or "But your honor I had to take the eagle feather, I need it for my fetish dagger."
or "I don't usually run around naked officer, but the rite to cleanse the unholy Wyrm from the faerie-glen requires it!"
but I'm a Kender, you can't fire me! I'm supposed to blow up the company network!
someone says of a friend, "He gives good monster." And you know what it means.
and the meaning thereof makes you sign up for that person's next campaign.
someone ever said of YOU "You give good monster."
the description "urban fetish weapon" means anything to you (HEY! Get away from my staff, errr pipe, um my thing with the dangly stuff decorating it, yeah you, paws OFF!)
You saw "Kindred, the Embraced" and kept yelling they got it all wrong.
You know what that show was.
AND you want to own it anyway.
You watch Antique shows and bitch that they called everything by the wrong names, then wrote the show about it.
Then they read you letter on the air and say you were right.
You STILL watch Excaliber every time it comes on.
You watched the show "Warlock" and thought to yourself.. "What a wimp."
Your mother thinks you flirt with devil becouse you play RPG's.... As a joke you say your new girls friends middle name is Satana.
You wern't joking, but its her first.
You tell the cashier, "No i dont eat children", before he even has a chance to ask.
The cops watching your gaming store come in for the free coffee.
and join in the game.
Then customers ask, if they create Cop characters, can they have free coffee too?
Your car broke down so you gamed while waiting for the tow truck.
You hoped the tow truck would be late so you could finish this combat.
You tired to get your mom to play so she could understand it.
And she played a cleric think it was a secretary.
it worked.
took up a sport so your LARP character would be better in combat.
you yell out "Critcal slay!" when Mustafa says "Now Austin Powers, prepare to die!"
you know what that meant.
you ask someone to join the Camarilla, they wonder why you're in a cult that worships caramel, and you manage to hook them anyway.
your local gas station cashier has an order waiting for you behind the counter every friday night.
You refer to pizza as the Holy food, and Hungry Howies as the Blessed Servant of said God.
you cant sleep at night because the Bard Character wouldnt let you sleep until they were done writing their doggeral.
you or your partner call the other by their character's name in your sleep.
You find yourself slipping into your character's frame of mind.. and cant get rid of that annoying accent.
you watch horror movies and think to yourself: "My werewolf is meaner than that!"
You watched Merlin, and realzed he was an apprentace accrding to Mage: the Ascension rules.
or watched Merlin and could recite what spheres he was using.
Or watched "The howling" and knew what "gifts" the werewolves were using by name.
you take notes from books for character histories.
you think a 'warehouse' is a place for lycanthropes.
your gaming club bribed the local TV station so they would put on a positive spin VLARP.......... Then it was fined for allowing smoking indoors and that tape was the evadence.
you've ever seen the solid brass d6's.. and HAD to have them so that they made more noise than everyone elses when you rolled them.
or you got the brass d6's becouse they wouldn't break when you threw them at concrete walls.
you mistake a golf ball for a d100.
you discover its a golf ball, and decide to write the numbers in rubadub marker, because its cheaper than buying a real d100.
you actually NEEEEEd a d100!
you ever begged your mom to buy you more dice for christmas.
you got more dice from christmas!
you think to yourself upon seeing d100.. why not just use percentile dice?
you have dreams from your character's point of view.
you've ever had an in-depth debate about the pros and cons of Chaotic alignments.
and the pros won.
you've ever wondered "What would my character do in this situation?"
and then acted upon it as your char would.
your characters are so well rounded, that you actually *are* MPD.
you whole heartedly agreed with that last statement.
you read the Karma Sutra so that your character would be good in bed.
you prefer writing out character sheets on blank paper because it's more flexible.
you have more than 15 characters, and dont need character sheets because you have all their stats memorized, and dont get them confused.
your mother won't let you throw a sleep-over birthday party because she knows it is going to devolve into a game fest anyway.
you write BAD filk songs like "Were oh Were Has my little dog gone, Oh Were oh Were she can be.. with her temper cut short and her fangs cut long.. Oh were oh were Can she be" ... and think they're funny.
and your friends think it's funny too.
you can sing "The Lycanthropic Blues."
thou dost knoweth of that which I speak.
you spent more time naming your new character, than you did you newborn baby.
Attention span departs, wandering mindlessly away in a daze. keep up the good work!
After reading ALL this page you save it on your comp, then bookmark it and plan to visit every day for new updates.
If your adds get published you send the URL to all your friends.
Actually you sent the URL already.
When you bought "Baldur's Gate" for your PC you had to read the small D&D adventure enclosed BEFORE installing the game...
... which you didn't play before you expanded that adventure into a campaign.
In Chat Rooms on the Net you roleplay the character your nick comes from (you have an RPG-based nick, do you?).
You know the family tree of your character up to 20 generations but can't recall your parent's birthdays.
Your bookshelf fell at least once due to the amount of RPG and fantasy/sci-fi books stored there.
The owners of your hobby store give you unlimited credit if you happen to buy something and see you forget your wallet at home.
You wonder how much would it cost to get every AD&D module published...
... and then prepare a plan to get the money.
You don't have to wonder how much it would cost - you know it.
Actually you have every AD&D book even published...
... altough now the bank owns your house.
On your comp you have dicing programs for games you didn't play...
... but you'll buy them tomorrow.
You run "Toon!"... drunk... and insisted your players get drunk too in order to play it properly. That's All Folks!
you've actually reached the point of playing lycanthropes with neither "fang," "blood" nor "claw" in their name.
you sympathize with mummies.
you've ever been heard to say "Ego? ME? Just because I have an Xxxxx???"
your main reason to get a driver's license is so you won't miss as many games for lack of a ride.
your motto for con action is "Sleep? Moi?"
and your friends guess before you can even bring it up.
you've perfected the art of removing pizza stains from paper.
you need more blood in your coffee stream.
your nick online isn't from your favorite character, but from your favorite rgg company. (TSR, Whyte-Wulf, etc)
you can keep your coffee cup in one hand...chips on the other and still type.
you wake up at 12 mn looking for players.
you might be an online gamer if you think /me before you actually do something.
you might be a gamer if you say "/me goes to take a piss" on your way to the bathroom.
you take said piss in 2 secs.
your nieghbor shows you his bowling trophies, and you show him your D20 collection (all 62 colors!)
you introduce yourself as "Gandalf, Sorceror of Life" at family reunions.
the most exciting thing in your life is a new color dice that you dont have in your collection.
you've constructed a full-size replica of the Great Wall of China out of your M:tG commons.
you think about making an Intellegence Check before taking a test.
you say your girl friend has an App. of like 18.
your car's fuzzy dice have more than size sides.
you say THAC0 to children in the hopes they'll run in fear.
you say "I am going to set Brujah on your a$$" to people.
you have a heated debate about how your paladin could beat the alien in Predator 2
you have a heated debate about how your mage could beat the paladin that could beat the alien in predator 2
you actually know the name of the predator species (Yautja.)
"May Selene Bless you" instead of "God bless."
you've ever describe your nieces and nephews as "Gibberlings."
you have ever wondered about the infinitivness of "blah blah blah" ex. whats the name of the inn? "blah blah blah"
you've ever dreamed of taking an OmniMech out on the highway.
you can think of these things from personal experience.
you blame your botched roll on your modem, and have to log-off so you can get your "lucky 33.6."
you have to think up more of these so you can continue to dominate the bottom of the list!
you hope that your cat has it's "First Change" soon.
you study your cat for any moves you might incorporate into gaming.
you've ever skipped a day at school/lecture at college so you could ready your campaign for the game next week.
you hope that YOU have your first change soon.
you're late for work in the morning due to gaming.
you go through puberty and mistake it for your first change.
you have yourself tattoed with a kindred symbol.
you've ever claimed your grandmother is "Nosferatu" ... and all your friends agree.
you've tried "movement of the mind" on the exam papers the teacher has on her desk.
the exams papers are blown towards you and you say you have another discipline.
you call your laser pen your "light sabre".
you find a seven year old twinkie and thank god that you can spend you lunch money on another pack of Magic: the Gathering cards.
you call a steak-knife your "Klaive."
your family photo album as pictures of Sturm, Tika, Raistlin, Tanis and crew.
all the "My document" files on your computer are stats of your characters.
you've legally changed your last name to Majere, or Forestwalker, etc.
you refer to the moon as Lunatari.
you think you can spend extra WP for extended orgasm.
((poor gamer if)) you use a lunch baggy for a makeshift dice bag.
you if you think receiving "Gifts" for Christmas means you need to contact the spirit realm.
((poor gamer if)) your character sheets are written on the back of late notices from the power company.
you have a breakdown when you fav WW book is lost.
((Satanic gamer if)) you sacrifice character sheets.
((poor gamer if)) you hit Shoney's after play and think it's a 5 Star restaurant.
you call your boss a "God PC."
you've got nothing better to with your life than try and make these things up.
your daily consumption of sugar equals that of the entire contury of Peru.
you know more people on IRC and at gaming cons than you know IRL.
you try to remember the sizes of the planets by relating them from D4 to D100.
Your child can say dragon, but can't identify a horse.
You do a web-search for every Internet Game (IRc, PBeM, etc.) and you already belong to them all.
Your characters have less psychosis than you do.
You bought those 4"x4" AD&D books and the 5mm dice so you can carry EVERYTHING for your game in a hip sack... ... and all your friends admire your ingenuity.
All of the fantasies of you beating the crap of the someone involve matrix-style martial arts, Rambo-style guns or a Conan-style sword.
You write 3 supplements a month... ... all for different game companies... ... built on your extensive knowledge of weapons and martial arts... ... gained from watching action movies... ... and you are surprised when you are turned down.
Gary Gygax calls you for rules-verification.
You took Geology, sociology, psychology, Kendo, Archery and horseback riding in college, so you could build a realistic game world.
You talk down to everyone on the internet because they haven't been published in a gaming magazine.
Can you say job-stress hack-and-slasher?
Your only aspirations is to own a hack-master +12.
All the cannon-fodder NPC's are named after people who have ticked you off at work.
Your player make tribute to you on game-days.
You proudly wear your dice bag on your belt like a coin-pouch.
You ride a NYC subway mumbling: elf, orc, troll, orc, orc, dwarf, orc, human, halfling....
You ride a LA bus mumbing elf, elf, elf, elf...
You keep having dreams where you are your character...
and you think it is neat, rather than consulting a professional.
You carry a mag-lite to your Star wars RPG games.
The 'goofiest' guy you know doesn't dress up as his character on game days.
YOU ARE STILL READING THIS LIST! OH GOD! MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
You can still think of something we missed here.
you've ever seen a character lose so many sanity points that he is left wandering, drooling, through the streets of Rome so pathetically that the GM takes pity upon him and introduces a nice Italian couple (into the RPGA tournament) who take him in and give him minestrone soup.
you and the rest of the players still tease him about the minestrone, ten Real World[tm] years later, despite the minute fact that the rest of you were *EATEN* by Cthulhu's bus-sized minion, along with the rest of Rome, and the Vatican for a snack. *burp*
all of you continue to tease him even more vigorously when he reminds you that you still lost the tournament, and never did figure out the point of the whole thing.
you wonder why any one would bother trying to figure out "the point" of a Cthulhu adventure. :p
your character has ever had to retreat buck-naked through the streets on an alien planet thousands of parsecs from Terra because something that looked strikingly similar to an ED-209 chewed your battledress up so badly that none of the servos worked.
you wonder which version of that game that battledress came from, and if I'll send you the stats. (Hint: MegaTraveller)
you are considering emailing me for the stats of the ED-209 lookalike that can actually do that to battledress.
you've ever pestered the GM about getting battledress so much that he finally relented and introduced it into the game ~ only there's a small problem: the bad guys are wearing it... and you're still trying to figure out how to get it from them with minimal colateral damage to the armor.
you read over 500 messages a day from a single RPG mailing list.
you know which mailing list I'm talking about.
you babysit the neighbors kids, for free, in order to "gain more converts for the cause" by introducing them to roleplaying.
you actually play your campaign inside a game store in the hopes that you'll attract more buyers to your favorite (failing) game line.
you showed your children this site.
your children, on reading this list, think that asking for dice for Christmas is a wonderful idea.
they actually follow through.
you're really going to give them dice for Christmas!
your kids don't believe anyone could stand on a d4 while barefoot, so you demonstrate.
you accidentally sign checks with your favorite character's names.
you are running from some bullies and ask to roll your wits plus stealth to hide.
you have so many pizza boxes you've made a new partition between the livingroom and the diningroom with them.
you get angry when someone takes "your spot" at the bottom of the list, and YOU MUST HAVE IT BACK!
you have a hard time staying politely interested in folks you've been introduced to, after discovering they don't rp.
you've ever been in a conversation involving the Kool-Aid man's stats, hp, and vulnerabilities.
in the above mentioned conversation, you wondered if the plastic jug counted as armor.
your friends figure out the fast death of Kool-Aid man, dump a bucket of silica-gel crystals (the super-absorbent stuff in the tiny paper packets that are boxed up with things like computer parts and new shoes) down his top and dry him to nothingness.
you have a very real hope of recieving the "Cuddly Cthulhu" plush doll for Christmas.
you haven't got any of your holiday gift shopping done, but the big thought on your mind is learning to play L5R.
someone who reads this list will immediately know who posted this because they've been nagged incessantly to teach you L5R.
you own 7th Sea cards.
you've actually played 7th Sea or L5R ...
more than once.
the words "ferret pooka with a bad sugar-habit" give you nightmares.
you've ever looked at a maentwrog and thought it be cuter if it fluffed it's pelt.
you've ever sat up late at your computer, laughing like a maniac, thinking up additions for this list.
your friends find the speed with which you shift mental gears between one character and the next eerie ...
and you don't see why they're concerned.
you've ever researched the amount of sleep deprivation it takes for one to be labeled "legally insane" so that you could stay up for days ahead of time to play your insane character in a properly insane manner.
Special thanks to all the gang down at the Asylum of course, and to some newer friends at the Orb and Thistledown Hall. see ya around folks, ^wHisPer`
your idea of a fun visit from the prospective future son-in-law includes a quickly thought up campaign so the two of you can teach everyone else how to play!
you've ever decided that an uncharacteristic character, like a Nordic dwarf or a Drow with a sense of humor, is the ONLY way to play.
even after the list has grown to the point it is currently at, you STILL contribute!
mostly just because you want YOUR SPOT at the bottom of the list back! (Hey Joe, I got it back :?)
you think rpg's should be an elective offered in every school.
you use the used-book store for "obscure source."
you've ever inflicted your party with "Hephalumps and woozles."
and lived to tell about it.
you've ever used the world's most hated purple dinosaur as the target or monster of choice when you wanted to play-test a new way to run a melee.
(for the older gamers) same thing: but with smurfs, snorks or gummi bears (cartoon, not candy.)
your new job in the computer industry feels surreally like a high-tech campaign you were on once.
you can pin down the stats for anyone and everyone at said new job, alignment, behavior patterns and maximum lifespan if they had to do "something hard like talk a Great Red Dragon out of it's treasure" too.
you've made a habit of growling at your coworkers because you find it's the most effective way to defend your lunch, just like the Caern Elder said it would be!
you make new friends with other "gamer geeks" at work when they walk past and see that you have the List up on the computer you use.
you stay much longer than you actually have to because new friend is reading the list and you have to tell about the "personal" contributions.
anyone has ever felt the need to remind you "hey, no throwing livestock ... if you wouldn't do it in real life, don't do it at the Prince's party."
you've ever memorized the real life costs, licenses and difficulties involved in making or obtaining explosives so that you could use the information to foil the in-character plans of another player to blow something sky high.
you have have 6 gigs of cartoon-porn of imaginary critters just to prove "how demons (dragons, unicorns, orcs, etc) 'do it'."
you think so like a drow(orc/vampire/elf/werewolf/etc) that your friends are convinced you're really NOT human.
same as above, but your parents want to know where their REAL kid is, and who swapped you at birth.
you shelled out the bucks for Radiological Monitoring classes so that you'd know the REAL scoop on radiation sickness, blast forces and the like for that post-nuclear-apocolypse game you want to write.
you built an actual geiger counter out of a plastic toolbox and other stuff, to get that "real" effect for your game.
a quick trip into the all-night grocery turns into a spur of the moment larp when you find that the staff mostly gamers.
you try to arrange your schedule so that bills can be paid or dropped in the mail on your way to or from games ... or in the middle of a game, if it won't interefere. ("Hey, my vampire's haven has electricity, and she has to go drop a money-order at the corner drop-box for her bill.")
you dream of having 2 playable decks of every noteworthy ccg available in your car so that, in event of being "stuck" somewhere, there is no need to be bored.
dominating the bottom of the list is no longer enough, you MUST HAVE MORE! MORE I TELL YOU! MORE! MUAHahahahahaha!
you have gotten rid of a dog for eating dice.
you have physically mutilated a die beacuse it was rolling poorly. ... and it taught the other dice a lesson.
you have ever gamed from when it was light until when it was light.
you own more than 15 different books containing the basic white wolf rules system. ... more than 20. ... more than 25 (it can be done).
you ever subscribed to Shadis to get the free games. ... you were disappointed when you found out they were the obsolete edition. ... but you resubscribed anyway.
you have ever read KoDT. ... and recognized the people you game with.
you spend more time on gaming websites than porn websites.
you have ever had a game book completely come unbound. ... from overuse, not poor binding. ... but you kept using it.
you have ever built a character based on a cool picture.
you have ever bought a supplement for a game you don't own the core rules to.
you have ever bought a computer game based on a real RPG.
you have ever designed/adapted an RPG to mimic a computer game.
you have a folder of characters you have never played, but just made to test the system/to prove a point/because you were bored/etc.
you have identified which kith/clan/race/class/archetype/choir/band you and your friends are.
you have ever pissed off one of your non-gaming friends because you are always busy all weekend long, every weekend.
you have ever dumped one game for a better gaming opportunity.
you have ever worked on game stuff at work.
... and been caught at it. ... and continued doing it.
you know the story of the gazebo.
... or the Head of Vecna.
... you know the people it happened to.
... you are one of the people it happened to.
you have ever taken a personality test as your character.
you have ever had a binder specifically for one character.
you have ever gone to every site on a gaming webring. ... and bookmarked every site for changes.
you have ever made different versions of the same character in different games.
you are willing to have functioning parts of your body surgically removed to replace them with cybernetics.
your character gets sex more often that you do.
you fear a little girl or and old lady, standing in a circle of stones with a pleasant smile on their face, more than you would a Glitter Boy. (On a Low Tech world)
know WHY you should fear the little old lady or little girl more than the Glitter Boy.
you realize that the little old lady or little girl are in command of more demons than you can count, and are ALWAYS to be feared above all else.
you check Ebay daily for new auctions on old OOP gaming books that will cost you hundreds of dollars, but you don't have them so you bid anyway even if you don't use that system anymore.
you got your parents hooked on gaming just so you could spend more time with them and NOT miss any campaigns.
you named one of your pets after one of your character's familiars.
you spent more than 1 hour arguing over the symantics of the game on a character you imported from a different gaming system.
more than 3 hours ...
an entire gaming session ....
it carried over to the NEXT gaming session ...
you have to use at least 3 different game system books to update your character sheet.
you know all the people that work at the 7-11 by the GM's house because you stop in there so much for munchies before gaming sessions.
you convinced one or more of the people that work at the 7-11 to come by for a game.
they became a regular ...
they quit 7-11 because it interfered with gaming night ...
when health concerns require thyroid surgery, afterward you spend a month tracking down local gamers you know to show them the scar and ask, "Dudes, would this not be the BITCHINEST scar for a LARP?"
the size, placement and angle of the scar are SO perfect, that you decline all offers of vitamin-e oil and whatnot to rub in to make it go away.
you can't understand, why would anyone WANT it to go away?
you jokingly inform your friends that you wanted bolts too, but they were extra.
well, not really, it's more like the surgeon wasn't too sure he wanted anything else to do with you after you asked.
any conversations about ex girlfriends/boyfriends with your friends eventually gets around conversations about your characters' former lovers.
and hasn't *EVERYONE* had at least one character pair off with a Bastet by now? (hint: World of Darkness cat-shifters)
everyone in the above mentioned conversation actually stopped and thought about the implications when you left them with one word .... "catnip."
YOU stop and think about the implications of catnip.
you try to come up with additions to the list, and can't think up but 9 or 10 that are really new.
you're mad that you can't think up more than ten ways to prove you're a gamer. (Thank go to Niamh for these two, now we know how you quantify things.)
your big claim to list-fame is not the number of contributions you've made, but the ones that have really happened to you ... of your own or others'.
you leave some possible contributions OUT of your list-email because: a) TOO wild, they'd never believe it. or: b) worse, it's very believable, and too many people know exactly where to find you and extract revenge if you so much as breath a peep suggesting that "xxxx xxXxx XxXxXx xxxX!" ever happened.
from above, "b" makes you rethink prior contributions and start pondering practical defences for your domicile.
from above, the words "Practical defences for your domicile" clicks somewhere deep in your brain and you work feverishly half the night on what could be the craziest and most fun rpg ever, that could be easily played by anyone with a 5th grade reading level, and would only require one book, no matter how many people were to join the game.
then you come to your senses and burn all your notes and papers, lest any mentally unstable persons not realize: it's just a game!
You've ever spent more than 15 minutes composing new song titles such as "Only the Oni" or "Oni You" You know where that comes from You can think of at least five more without trying
You're a female gamer who thinks that if there are less than 5 guys to every girl it's a terrible ratio.
You're a female gamer who's never dated any guy who wasn't a gamer.
You know you're a gamer if you joined the Army and. . .
You've been accused of doing it just as a way of doing some up-close game research.
You've spent an entire day bullshitting with the new guy because you found out he's a closet gamer.
And you talk him out of the closet.
And you remember it so well you use one of his stories as the basis of your tactics in one of his games.
You drop DM500 (about US$250) on games in front of about 12 kids and then say "I remember being that age and saving for two weeks to buy a mini and hating the adults that came in and spent a couple hundred dollars on game stuff."
You've ever talked the Regimental Engineer into buying a couple hundred GHQ HMMWVs to use in sand tables (this wasn't me, but I know the guy who did it).
Your sergeants know where to find you at all times because there's only so many places to game.
And this is on deployment.
Your unit mail clerk is sick of you asking about the box of gaming materials you've got on order.
You ordered the games from your old hometown gaming store and he shipped it to you with your old discount, before you even sent the check.
Because he knows you're always good for it.
And you addressed the envelope you sent the check in from memory.
You're the only person in Kosovo who downloads a spreadsheet to design starships instead of pornography.
You find a new gamer by reading a supplement in public, and get annoyed because he's an officer.
You're on an e-mail list and someone mentions a military vehicle and you slap them down because you've driven that particular model and it's not that great.
You acquire manuals mostly to write house rules for wargames.
You wrote a 6 page house rule section for a game who's rule book has less than 50 pages, and it's all based on a particular series of Field Manuals.
You don't care if people wake you up at 0500 for an "emergency", but get incensed if something cuts into gaming time.
You have to remind someone more than twice that addressing someone by rank at the game table is not necessary. Unless it's the character's rank.
You have friends who know each other better by their character's rank and callsign than their real names and ranks.
You've ever spent more than DM50 on train tickets to get to a game.
You've ever painted a miniature with the markings of the vehicle you used to drive.
You have more spray paint in the flammables locker than the rest of the company put together.
And more hidden in your room where health and welfare inspections won't find it.
You've ever had to explain light blue paint on your thumbnails during an inspection.
You have a room inspection and the people conducting it spend more time looking at your minis because they were foolish enough to ask why you have a dozen pistol cases under your bed.
The guys in your company ask your gaming buddies to look for you because "you'll see him before we find him."
Your character's equipment list starts looking a lot like what you take to the field.
You describe a particularly well-written wargame as "a lot like going to work."
If you've ever packed for a summer-long trip, and dropped down to six sets of clothes to make room for supplements and modules you've never even read, "just in case..."
...only to discover to your dismay that you've left the one useful supplement back home.
...and gone out to purchase a second copy of the same damn book.
...and you intend to keep it.
If you've ever had an experience that leads you to conclude that you're a gamer, and the first thing you think is, "I need to add this to The List." (See above.)
If you've ever lost a friend to arguing over who's character gets to keep the "Ring of Protection +2"
...*after* the campaign's over.
If you've played under only three or four different rule systems, but you *still* know the strengths, weaknesses, nuances, and loopholes of every system ever published. (That's you, Kinny)
If you've ever forgotten the name of an unimportant NPC from a one-shot adventure three years ago, and cared.
ou have BirthRight just so that you can continue your character from AD&D and truly rule your own kingdom with set rules and charts.
if you blew off buying Birthright because your character has had his own kingdom so long you already have rules and charts ... memorized.
you get a second shift job to not interfere with your third shift, and weekend games, but have to stay up all night gaming to make the 7 am drug screening, and they tell you you have more than twice the normal ld50 of caffeine in your system.
further, you quit the job, cause it still gets in the way.
even worse, you go through a temp agency, to go back to work for the company, cause you had some good gamer friends there, who gave you good plans, and strategies for your game, from their games, even though they were on different systems.
had another gamer look down his nose for the gaming system you use then cussed him out in a game language, figuring he wouldn't know what you said anyway he didn't he didn't care, and he starts a fight anyway.
squandered your wonderful 6 months of unemployment away as being forced gm cause, "hey man, you ain't gotta work or nothing, you got the time..."
dated your gm in hopes she would be nicer to your character....
married your gm in hopes she would be nicer to your character....
were told to man the register at the gaming shop you practically live in, and when the owner gets back from the junk food run, he looks at you and says, "wait, you DON'T work here, sorry...."
proceeded to work there...
and gotten paid in modules, cards, miniatures, and the occasional core system.
been thrown out of a house because your character, and your room mates character were not getting along, and continued to show up for the campaign.
gotten into a r/t fight, because someone thought you were like that out of character.
been to a larp, and actually convinced someone you only came cause you thought it was a cool party, and that no, these fangs are not prosthetic.
you actually make it a point to go out and craft everything your character carries, to prove to the gm it can be done.
try to convince a weapons expert, that an SMG can be silenced.
win that one.
constantly attempt "command" spells.
used the insult 0 charisma in a fight with someone who had absolutely no idea what it meant...
explained that insult to the person, in detail....
gotten them to sit in on a game.
convinced your family minister to join a game.
as a lawful evil character...
insisted that your party consume the amount of booze that their characters allegedly did in the tavern while playing...
then forced combat on them.
been caught shoplifting, and said, "oh, that must have fallen into my pouch by mistake..."
done that for the humor of your friends who knew the joke...
not understood why security actually called the police...
and the cops actually got the joke, cause one of them plays at your game every week.
had to buy a new hard drive for your "gaming (as in rpg tabletop only, not pc games, like char sheets, maps, and other semi relevant stuff) system.
more than once.
have a commodore emulator, to run those old basic programs you wrote for die rolls, character generation, etc... on your super fast gigahert processor, and 64 million color, and gig of ram system, that cost more than your car.
spent more on munchies for a gaming session, than all weeks lunches for work.
not had to call in late for work because of a game, because your supervisor knew you were gonna be late for it...
because he was there.
but damn you would do her character in a nano-second.
gotten permits, so you could buy a cannon, so you could PROVE, once and for all a theory to your game mates.
killed a paladin, because he finally annoyed the living piss out of you.
apologized to your wife for killing her paladin.
been arrested during a game, because the neighbors heard the noise, and assumed there was a domestic disturbance.
smoked more than a half of a carton, in a single gaming experience.
lit your gaming table on fire accidentally while rapidly searching for your favorite 20 sider, on the night the power went out.
a whole bunch there, and only thought i would have a few, allright, time for the night night....
you notice it's been 6 months since anyone has added to the list, and immediately think "I can come up with something, ANYTHING!"
it's 7am and you're fighting a cyclops.
and when you finally die, you fall asleep on your keyboard.
you've gamed online (til falling asleep at keyboard) so often that friends no longer comment on the perpetual case of "keyboard hatch-pattern face" you have.
you compulsively introduce game-friends to other-game-friends.
coworkers you've never had a reason to say two words to hear a game-related conversation and wander over, and you suddenly have 50 new friends!
you compulsively introduce game-friends to "The List" in hopes of seeing lots more additions to the list!
your friends' LAN/computer-games party tempts you skip the test date you have to try to get the certification you really NEED to get that big promotion at work.
you've ever surfed geek-personals websites in search of other computer gamers in your area to invite to LAN/computer-game parties.
you realized that surfing the geek-personals websites was also how to get your single computer-geek/gamer male friends to meet computer-geek/gamer women, so you'd no longer be the ONLY female in the group!
the biggest change in your social life in 20 YEARS involved getting spouse/significant other/sweetheart hooked on gaming so they wouldn't feel left out when you have friends over.
you're STILL READING THIS LIST! WHY? HAVE I NO LIFE BUT WORK AND GAMING?
You wept with joy when the 2nd Edition Dungeon Master's Guide eliminated the alignment restrictions on vorpal swords and swords of sharpness - because you figured it meant that a sword could now be both vorpal and sharpness at the same time!
if you have ever played 69 hours without pausing or sleeping longer than it took someone to get something to eat from the next store
Heiko "GreatHeischoOne" Aulbach
Guilty of gaming according to about 85% of this list?s criterias...
I hope you are still adding to the list
you decide to print up this page to show all your gaming friends how kool and funny it is and realize that there are a lot of spelling errors in it, and you use the spell checker AFTER you have it printing.
worse, you realize that many of the words, you thought should be right.
and then you add all the the words that should be in your spellchecker so that you don't have to press SKIP ONCE , or SKIP ALWAYS every time words like drow, rpg, ccg, halfling, dwarven, elven, gamer, mage, etc. come up.
you open a game store because your friends needed somewhere to PLAY!
You start it with a collection of your old miniatures (still in original blisters) and some old books.
and you actually make money at it.
but you still work a job so that you can have the coolest store around.
and you still have fun playing all the games.
you tell your niece/nephew/younger sibling about your old game adventures like they're fairy tales. ...you get drunk and talk to non-gamers about how much you miss old characters. ...you wonder what your favorite character would do in a current real life situation. ...you've tried to use magick to "summon up" your character, hoping they really existed in some alternate universe. ...non-gamers know the names of all your characters. ...you make new notes on characters that you don't even play anymore. ...you've lied about why you can't go out with friends so you could stay home and make notes on characters you don't even play anymore. ...you write favorite characters into all your stories, because "they're so cool, everyone has to know about them." ...you say things like, "he regenerates like a troll!" to non-gamers. ...you say things like that and they've heard enough from you to get it. ...you believe character creation is an art-form. ...you've ever gotten in trouble in grade school for talking about your character growing marijuana. ...your characters smoked marijuana before you did. ...you spent days drawing maps of a character's castle/house/etc. even though you were the only person who would see it. ...you've ever hated someone in real life, but your characters were best friends in game. ...you've ever made yourself appear in a game you were GMing and thought it was insanely funny. ...you know what "flip-flop dead cats" are, and groan when you see the words. ...you allowed a player to play a "dust bunny warrior". ...vorpal swords got so boring. ...(older gamers) your Dungeons and Dragons character went through the quests to become an immortal, but in the end you decided not to because you still wanted him/her to have "regular" adventures. ...you've ever seriously wondered why your character is the way he/she is. ...that last statement doesn't sound stupid. ...(older gamers) you still think the joke "why do elves have pointed ears?" "because there has to be some point to elves!" Is funny. ...you got so sick of hearing things like "I touch the door. I touch the wall" that you started making everything touch back. ...new characters are all somehow related to old characters you loved. ...you and your friends all had an undead/lycanthrope character for D&D. ...(old gamers) you have fond memories of solo adventures you rolled up with the old Dungeon Master's Guide. ...you role-play out character's back story before you use him/her, while you're alone. ...you do the same with your villains before you GM.
You can say "I have X number of d10s"
You can say "Well actually I have X+2 d10s, but one is a phase of the moon die, so it doesn't count and one broke"
You know what I mean by "phase of the moon die"
You know why it can't be used as a d10
You can guess what system it's from, if not the actual game.
(White Wolf gamer if) X > 45
You like to show people your other d10 that is about to break just so that you can explain how the other one broke because you don't carry the broken one around for fear of bad luck and/or because it is adorning your dressing table as a nifty knick-knack.
You've named your cat for a word you found in a gaming book (bonus points if you named a friend's cat in a similar manner, more bonus points if you got your cat after your friend and was pissed off that you couldn't use the same name because it wouldn't be right.)
You use said cat's name as your email address and handle
You have never had a problem with someone else having the same user name/handle as you because you use your cat's name
if you add even half of these I'd be impressed and satisfied
You can actually edit these for clarity because you know what they all mean
You converted a monster class into a playable character class
Before they came out with a system to do it
You make Ability Checks on everyday actions
You have "Zelda Adventures" frequently
You search for roving bands of Goblins in the forest behind your house
You find some
And commence battling with them
You hummed the victory tune from the original Might and Magic game afterwards
You can hum the victory tune from the original Might and Magic
You beat Might and Magic
You "discard" things rather than "throwing them away"
You find "Your mother was a gully dwarf, and your father smells of elderberries!" funny
You find it insulting
You often slip IC without noticing
You know what that means
Your online char has been in more guilds than you can remember
You remember every single one
Your charrie has created it's own guild
That's lasted for more than 6 years
You've ever given up RP completely in a blind rage over a flaw in the cross-forum AA rules only to find yourself RPing agian the next day
You're following me
You met ALL your frineds through RP
Most of the things you own either have magical properties or are otherwise enchanted
You've bestowed these items names like "The Coat of Everholding" "Shadowy Carapace Trench Coat" and "Shiela's Silver Ring of Luck +6"
You and your friends name the disciplines and clans of the Vampires in Interview with the Vampire
You played text games like Larn, Castle, Wizard, and Temple
You knew the cheat codes for them
You are an imp
Your parents agree (at least that you aren't human)
You avoid making friends with humans because "they smell bad"
You know dwarves, ogres, elves, and gnomes and they are your friends.
Your character is effectively more intelligent than you are and it shows
You spend more time creating and perfecting characters than you do actually using them
A horde of dragons have slain your character because you pissed the GM off IRL a month ago.
You refer to your car as a chariot or landspeeder
The people at IHOP look at you funny because you frequent in full costume
You've been in a real swordfight
You have the scars to prove it
Your Paladin character killed a death knight and it's nightmare mount in one blow apiece
The DM forced you to lower your character's level for the remainder of the campaign because of it
You constantly slam Vampire movies that were "done wrong"
And correct all thier mistakes
You refer to Hawaiian Punch as HP because it's red like a healing potion, it has the same acronym, and it restores your HP
This is not just a coinicence to you
You constantly complain about moders and newbies and the threat they pose to the "real RPers"
You know how a lightsaber works and could actually construct one to complete your jedi training
You already have
You know the difference between a glaive, a guisarme, a halberd, a poleax, a bardiche, and a naganita and you know how much damage each does vs. smaller then man sized, man sized and larger than man sized monsters
You considered giving sexual favors to the person who relayed this site to you

You got tired of reading the "You're still reading this list" comments, because of course you are.
You've felt insulted when someone called you a "n00b"
Even though you just bought the game
Even though you had never played BEFORE you bought the game
You went back to tally up EXACTLY how many of the things on this list apply to you
and it was more than 100
more than 250
more than 500
more than 850
You think of this number as a badge of honor
You're favorite character alignment and type is a Lawful Evil Blackguard, and you can maintain that alignment indefinitely
You have active subscriptions to more than 10 online games
You have more than 1 account for at least half of those games
You don't think of others as true "gamers" unless they play more than 5 different games
You buy games that you know you won't like just so no one can say "Just try it, you may like it"
You have everything you need to play over 15 different games sitting in labeled containers in the closet, just in case someone comes over and wants to play
It's not in the closet, but on a bookshelf in the living room
You have legally changed your name to your character's name, and then changed it back because of the hassle all the "Real World" PC's gave you for changing it
When someone says "MUD", you don't think about wet dirt
You know what a MUD is
You play a MUD
You play more than one MUD
You're an admin for a MUD
The game room in the house you and your gamer spouse designed is the biggest room.
This is separate from the computer gaming room.
Your gamer friends don't think it's big enough.
You include room into your design for the friends who need to crash after a long night of gaming.
They actually have a bed to sleep on.
Your gaming library has enough copies of each book for every player to use... and a spare just in case.
You refer to the ATM as the money alter.
You pray to the green-light god so you can get to games on time.
you have tried to test your players dedication to the game by scattering every D4 in the house on the front yard. - said players actully break out thier d20s to roll reflex and balance as they make thier way through the field of d4.
your nick/screenname/handle was cunningly contrived to be non-game specific (fulongamer)
you haven't checked the milk in your fridge in 3 weeks.
you really haven't noticed the smell yet.
you actually use the smell as descriptive text in adventures.
you've counted how many things on this list matches up with you
you check out this whole list to see if they're missing anything, so that you could add your own idea
every time you don't understand something on this list, you google it or check it from Wikipedia
...And if it wasn't in Wikipedia, you'll write one
you name your newborn baby after random name generator
you're actually gonna do so after reading this!
you're late from your work or school because you were reading this list
you rather stayed home and finish reading this list and go to sleep after that than going to work/school
you've bribed your GM
you don't understand English but still ask someone to translate this list for you
you find things that appear twice on this list and mail to have one of them removed
you find that because of this your addition was erased, you get angry and write a hate-mail
you hire a hacker to trace who noticed the two same additions and send him hate-mail, or even worse, track him down and give him a hate-speech in real life
you get angry when you hear that D&D elves are shorter than humans
you didn't believe the previous one and try to find out if it's true
nothing on this list matches up with you, but you get interested what RPGs are and become a gamer
every time you make a sin, you write it up on this list for atonement
and you really consider this as a sin list
...Or a list that has to be performed before you get to the Gamer's Heaven
you hear some people talking about RPGs in bus or train and you smile at them
someone smiles at you when you're talking about RPGs while you're in a bus or train
you see a movie, gather your gaming group and replay the whole movie with your own ideas
you compete with your character who gets more sex
you tell your non-gamer friend to go work in gaming shop so that you could get discount through him
you got bored of standard races and start to play monster races
you know the difference between 6d4 and 6k4
you're sad when you notice this list is gonna end at some point
you feel sorry for monsters and run a game where players are monsters and try to beat up the adventurers

You might be an accountant if...

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3.
you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses"
at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "=========="
you had no idea that GAP was also a clothing store
you consider it normal not to see your spouse or children from February to April 15th. (Laura Cole)
you've ever made a joke about a double-entry bookkeeping method. (Alicat )
you know what the acronym MACRS stands for. (Alicat)
you have a petty cash box at home and actually refer to it as such (Amy R.).

You might be anal-retentive if...

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 12:00:00 +0000

you eat the M&Ms in color order.
you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
From Miranda:
- you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
- you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use.
- and they're all facing the front.
- all you books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order.
you require no less than 200 threads per inch on your sheets. (Peggy)
...and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
you alphabetize your spices. ( Bert )
you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millenium hasn't begun yet (or that it *has* begun).
you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric. ( Jennifer )
you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren't spelled correctly or gramatically correct.
you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle. (Pat)
you collect the little postcards in magazine issues...
...for recycling.
every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker...
...and you correct the original message.
you're on a "calorie-counting" diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your "Big Beef Burrito Supreme"
you fold up take-out food wrappers and neatly place them in a package before throwing it in the trash.

Murphy's Laws for EMS

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 12:00:00 +0000

The First Law of EMS:

All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time.

Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat.

Corollary 2: Always order food "to go". The Law of Time:

1. There is absolutely no relationship between the time at which you are supposed to get off shift and the time at which you will get off shift.

2. Given the following equation: T + 1 Minute = Relief Time, "T" will always be the time of the last call of your shift. E.g., If you are supposed to get off shift at 08:00, your last run will come in at 07:59. (Or if you have early relief coming in you will see you relief sitting at the first stop light from the station, waving!) The Law of Gravity:

Any instrument, when dropped, will always come to rest in the least accessible place possible.

The Law of Time Versus Distance:

The distance of the call from the Hospital increases as the time to shift change decreases.

Corollary 1: The shortest distance between the station and the scene is under construction.

The Rule of Random Syncronicity:

Emergency calls will randomly come in all at once.

The Law of Respiratory Arrest:

All patients who are vomiting and must be intubated will have just completed a large meal of Barbecue and Onions, Garlic Pizza, and Pickled Herring, all of which was washed down with at least three cans of beer.

The Basic Principle for Dispatchers:

Assume that all field personnel are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

The Basic Principle for Field Personnel:

Assume that all dispatchers are idiots until their actions prove your assumption.

The Axiom of Late Night Runs:

If you respond to any motor vehicle accident call after Midnight and do not find a drunk on the scene, keep looking: somebody is still missing.

The Law of Options:

Any patient, when given the option of either going to jail or going to the hospital by a police officer, will always be inside the ambulance before you are.

Corollary 1: Any patient who chooses to go to jail instead of the hospital has probably been in my rig in the past.

The First Rule of Equipment:

Any piece of Life-saving Equipment will never malfunction or fail until you need it to save a life, or the salesman leaves.

The Other Rules of Equipment:

Interchangeable parts don't

Leak proof seals will

Self-starters won't. The First Law of Ambulance Operation:

No matter how fast you drive the ambulance when responding to a call, it will never be fast enough, until you pass a police cruiser, at which point it will be entirely too fast. Unless you are responding to an "officer down" call then it is physically impossible to be traveling fast enough!

EMS Bathroom Rules:

If a call is received between 0500 and 0700, the location of the call will always be in a bathroom.

If you have just gone to the bathroom, no call will be received.

If you have not just gone to the bathroom, you will soon regret it.

The probability of receiving a run increases proportionally to the time elapsed since last going to the bathroom. General Principles Concerning Dispatchers:

Given the opportunity, any dispatcher will be only too happy to tell you where to go, regardless of whether or not (s)he actually knows where that may be.

Corollary 1: The existence or non-existence of any given location is of only minor importance to a dispatcher

Corollary 2: Any street designated as a cross-street" by a dispatcher probably isn't.

Corollary 3: If a street name can be mispronounced, a dispatcher will mispronounce it.

Corollary 4: If a street name cannot be mispronounced, a dispatcher will mispronounce it anyway.

Corollary 5: A dispatcher will always refer to a given location in the most obscure manner as possible. E.g., "Stumpy Brown's Cabbage Field" is now covered by a shopping center. The Law of Triage:

In any accident, the degree of injury suffered by a patient is inversely proportional to the amount and volume of agonized screaming produced by that patient.

The Gross Injury Law:

Any injury, the sight of which makes you want to puke, should immediately be covered by 4x4's and kerlix.

The Supervisor Equation:

Given the equation: X +Y = Q (Q = Quality of Care, X = the care that you render, Y = the assistance supplied by any supervisor).

If you can eliminate Y from the equation, the Quality of Care will improve by X.

Corollary 1: Generally, Field Supervisors have no business in the Field.

Corollary 2: The level of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Corollary 3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. The Law of Protocol Language:

The simplest Protocol Directive will be worded in the most obscure and complicated manner possible. Speeds, for example, will be expressed as "Furlongs per Fortnight" and flow rates as "Hogsheads per Hour".

Corollary 1: If you don't understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.

Corollary 2: If you can understand it, you probably don't. The Law of EMS Educators:

Those who can't do, teach.

The Law of EMS Evaluators:

Those who can't do or teach, evaluate.

The Law of Light:

As the seriousness of any given injury increases, the availability of light to examine that injury decreases.

The Law of Space:

The amount of space which is needed to work on a patient varies inversely with the amount of space which is available to work on that patient.

EMS Relativity:

The number of distraught and uncooperative relatives surrounding any given patient varies exponentially with the seriousness of the patient's illness or injury.

The Theory of Weight:

The weight of the patient that you are about to transport increases exponentially by the number of floors which must be ascended to reach the patient and the number of floors which must be descended while carrying the patient.

Corollary 1: Very heavy patients tend to gravitate toward locations which are furthest from mean sea level.

Corollary 2: If the patient is heavy, the elevator is broken, and the lights in the stairwell are out. The Laws of Non-Transport:

A Life-or-Death situation will immediately be created by driving away from the home of patient who has just thrown you out of their house.

The seriousness of this situation will increase as the date of your trial approaches.

By the time your ex-patient reaches the witness stand, the Jury will wonder how a patient in such terrible condition could have possibly walked to the door and greeted you with a large suitcase in each hand. The First Rule of Bystanders

Any bystander who offers you help will give you none.

The Second Rule of Bystanders:

Always assume that any Physician found at the scene of an emergency is a Gynecologist, until proven otherwise. (Unless the emergency is obstetrical in nature, then the bystander will be a Dermatologist.)

The Rule of Warning Devices

Any Ambulance, whether it is responding to a call or traveling to a Hospital, with Lights and Siren, will be totally ignored by all motorists, pedestrians, and dogs which may be found in or near the roads along itsroute.

Corollary 1: Ambulance Sirens can cause acute and total, but transient, deafness.

Corollary 2: Ambulance Lights can cause acute and total, but transient, blindness. (Note: This Rule does not apply in California, where all pedestrians and motorists are apparently oblivious to any and all traffic laws.) The Law of Show and Tell

A virtually infinite number of wide-eyed and inquisitive school-aged children can climb into the back of any Ambulance, and, given the opportunity, invariably will.

Corollary 1: No emergency run will come in until they are all inside the Ambulance and playing with the equipment.

Corollary 2: It will take at least four times as long to get them all out as it took to get them in.

Corollary 3: A vital piece of equipment will be missing. The Rule of Rookies

The true value of any Rookie, when expressed numerically, will always be a negative number.

The value of this number may be found by simply having the rookie grade his or her ability on a scale from 1 to 10.

Medical skill: 1 = Certified Health Hazard, 10 =Johnny and Roy.

Driving ability: 1 = Obstruction to Navigation, 10 = Mario Andretti. The true value of the rookie is then found by simply negating the Rookie's self-assigned value.

Corollary 1: Treat any Rookie assigned to your Unit as you would a Bystander. (See The First Rule of Bystanders, above.)

Corollary 2: We were all rookies once upon a time....

ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 12:00:00 +0000

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a redneck exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Get used to the phrase "It's not the heat, it's the humidity". And the collateral phrase "You call this hot? Wait'll August."
There are no delis. Don't ask.
In conversation, never put your hand on a man's shoulder when making a point, especially in a bar.
Chili does NOT have beans in it.
Brisket is not 'cooked' in an oven
Don't tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.
If you think it's too hot, don't worry. It'll cool down-in December.
We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!
A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.
If someone tells you "Don't worry, those peppers aren't hot" you can be certain they are.
If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a bowl of guacamole handy. Water won't do it.
Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don't ask.
If someone says they're "fixin" to do something, that doesn't mean anything's broken.
Don't even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you really mean to say is 'Margarita.'
If you don't understand our passion for college and high school football just keep your mouth shut.
The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade.
If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called "courtesy".
BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.
No matter what you've seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular weekend pastime.
"Tea" = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.
Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

Two (un)romantic poems

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 12:00:00 +0000

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other--
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

The evolution of a Python programmer

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 12:00:00 +0000

#Newbie programmer
    def factorial(x):
        if x == 0:
            return 1
        else:
            return x * factorial(x - 1)
    print factorial(6)

#First year programmer, studied Pascal
    def factorial(x):
        result = 1
        i = 2
        while i <= x:
            result = result * i
            i = i + 1
        return result
    print factorial(6)

#First year programmer, studied C
    def fact(x): #{
        result = i = 1;
        while (i <= x): #{
            result *= i;
            i += 1;
        #}
        return result;
    #}
    print(fact(6))

#First year programmer, SICP
    @tailcall
    def fact(x, acc=1):
        if (x > 1): return (fact((x - 1), (acc * x)))
        else:       return acc
    print(fact(6))

#First year programmer, Python
    def Factorial(x):
        res = 1
        for i in xrange(2, x + 1):
            res *= i
        return res
    print Factorial(6)

#Lazy Python programmer
    def fact(x):
        return x > 1 and x * fact(x - 1) or 1
    print fact(6)

#Lazier Python programmer
    f = lambda x: x and x * f(x - 1) or 1
    print f(6)

#Python expert programmer
    fact = lambda x: reduce(int.__mul__, xrange(2, x + 1), 1)
    print fact(6)

#Python hacker
    import sys
    @tailcall
    def fact(x, acc=1):
        if x: return fact(x.__sub__(1), acc.__mul__(x))
        return acc
    sys.stdout.write(str(fact(6)) + '\n')

#EXPERT PROGRAMMER
    from c_math import fact
    print fact(6)

See also: the evolution of a Ruby, JavaScript, PHP, C or Perl programmer, and where this joke started, Fritz Ruehr's The Evolution of a Haskell Programmer (itself a riff on the old "Hello World" Evolution of a Programmer).

You might be a spammer if...

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 12:00:00 +0000

You put tracking/randomization numbers in your subject lines: Cash-flow-74002006
Your entire message body is composed of images, without any description text.
gmail can't seem to "preview in html" the pdf you attached.
Your sender name includes one of the following words: panel, notice, meds, travel, survey
- Note: I said SENDER, not subject. A legitimate sender would at least give me a real "from" address.
Your e-mail utilizes horribly bad English in ALL CAPS.
Your e-mail doesn't use English at all.
Your e-mail doesn't even use the Latin alphabet (Cyrillic, Chinese, etc... instead)
You put the $ sign in the wrong place and use a period for a 1000s separator (10.000$)
You specify US for the $ amount.
You can't manage to correctly spell the name of the product you're selling me.
You write in HAX0r

Drunk needs a push

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 12:00:00 +0000

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

(More) You might be a band geek if...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:00:00 +0000

...one time, you went to band camp and came back with a girlfriend.
...you actually like wearing your marching uniform.
...you have your band director on speed dial.
...you have your band director as an emergency contact. (...but what if you're at band camp??)
...you have your high band teacher's home AND cell numbers on speed dial.
...you name your instrument.
...you cried when you found out you couldn't be in band.
...you tell your friends its a band thing and they understand.
...you've dated everyone in the band and wonder if you'll ever have another date again.
...you think Louie Louie is the best song ever.
...playing star down with the drum major isn't fun anymore.
...you direct the songs on the radio.
...you know (from experience) that the band director is always right.

You might be a bad driver if...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:00:00 +0000

you've ever offered someone inordinate sums of money for the damage because if the insurance company hears about one more accident...
your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asfault in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you.
you go to leave the frat party stone sober and your roomate still insists on hiding your kes and calling a cab.
people ask you about "the accident", and you reply, which one?
the instructor finally gave up and let YOU teach traffic school. (Mavis)
you see a sign that says, "Lane ends 500 FT," and you manage to drive in the lane for another 1/2 mile.
you have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license. (Kealoha)
you've ever changed a full set of clothes and/or re-done your makeup while on the freeway.
you've had your license for two months and you're already an experienced ditch digger.
you find yourself trying to beat that old granny before she makes it to the zebra crossing. ( Stu )
....and you always lose, but not before it's too late. ( Stu )
you slow down when coming to green lights...
...and speed up on yellow.
you hit a tree and your brother tells you your getting rusty cause you missed the center of the car by a fraction of an inch. (Lee)
you take your eyes off the road and both hands off the steering whell to help your passenger put on their seat belt while driving 65 MPH down the freeway. (Lisa)
you rear end someone at a stop light and then jump out screaming, "Whip lash!!!" (Lisa)
you use your knees for steering more than your hands.
the police department knows your plate number by heart.
the police carry separate tickets with your information filled out already.
you think red lights & stop signs are a suggestion (Amon-Ra)
you've ever asked anyone what a raised finger means because "I get that all the time."
you replace your airbag more often than your oil.
you walk into traffic court and everyone shouts out your name.
you get pulled over for drunk driving and you are stone sober. (Ken McKinney)
you think you have a flat when you hear thump, thump, thump. It's actually just you clipping the orange and white barrels. (Ken McKinney)
Curb? What curb? (Ken McKinney)
you are the only car in the parking lot and you STILL hit a light pole. (Ken McKinney)
you stop on an on ramp and wait for "enough room". (Ken McKinney)
you have ever hit the car in front of you while YOU were trying to back up. (Ken McKinney)
you tell your passenger what a good driver you are as you turn into a ditch.
you swerve to miss a tree... and it's your air freshener. (Scott)
all anyone can see when you drive is your knuckles. (Visitor submission)
your turn sign signal is always blinking in the direction opposite to the one you're turning.
you drive 90 MPH in bumper to bumper traffic and always pass on the right (Colonel)
you think the signal switch is something that just gets in your way whenever you reach for your coffee.

You might be a redneck if...

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 12:00:00 +0000

...you ever farted on an airline and caused it to make an emergency landing.
...you spend more money on your wife's hair products than you do your child's education.

You might be a runner if...

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 12:00:00 +0000

the pain of not running is greater than the pain of running.
you actually read a novel about running... and its sequel.

Inspired by:

http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545

...your toenails are black.
...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does.
...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper.
...you have chafing in strange places.
...people say, "You run three miles...at once?"
...all your socks are either stained or torn.
...your underwear covers more than your uniform shorts.
...you run farther in a week than your bus travels for meets.
...the dogs have to hurry to keep up.
...you find yourself running between classes just because.
...the most enjoyable time you've had all month is a day off from practice.
...your coach won't give you a ride home.
...the first day of practice you run 5 miles but your coach says you only ran 2.
...you can spit while running.
...you go to a golf course to run.
...your friends go on the elevator and you beat them on the stairs.
...you finish the race looking like you wrestled a bear and you don't care.
...your temper is shorter that the distance that you ran.
...you'd rather run to school than drive.
...you combine phrases like "10 mile run" and "Easy Run" in the same breath.
...you can eat your weight in spaghetti.
...your highest heels are your training shoes.
...you debate the advantages of anti-perspirent vs. deoderant.
...the paint from the bathroom walls peels when you leave.
...you start the race in shorts and finish in a G-string.
...your spit strings from you chin and you don't even care.
...a meal involves more than 3 servings!
...if you schedule dates around meets.
...you spend more on training clothes than school clothes.
...you wear those same training clothes to school regularly.
...your christmas list includes more than one pair of running shoes.
...you've been to a golf course in every city but not to play golf.
...your entire family goes to X-C meets because they have been or will be on the team.
...your chest is as flat as your back.
...you feel lost without your water-bottle.
...you have running withdrawl if you don't run everyday.
...you eat spaghetti three times a day.
...the mile in P.E. becomes your warm-up.
...you wake up every morning in pain.
...gatorade is your drug of choice.
...you give up homecoming to go to a Meet.
...your Saturdays for the next 4 years are ruined.
...you can see your ribs thru your shirt.
...you have to run around in the shower to get wet.
...you were asked to be an extra for Schindler's List II.
...you enjoy running hills.
...you start to crave Power Bars.
...your favorite food group is carbohydrates.
...your women's team has leg hair longer than the grass they ran on.
...you can strip and change in a bus seat in less than 2 minutes.
...you don't puke your first day of basketball practice.
...there are no flies by your gym locker.
...people think it's a winter sport.
...you have trouble benching the bar.
...when you do bad you get to play longer.
...you find yourself in the middle of a football player's joke.
...your dessert is brussel sprouts.
...you foam at the mouth.
...you are always hungry.
...your running in your dreams.
...you have no life besides running.
...your weekends are shot.
...you wake up with cotton mouth.
...your are as skinny as a twig and have a stupid knit cap for the head.
...you can sharpen an axe blade on your calves.
...the cafeteria ladies look good in the morning.
...you can maintain a 5:30 pace uphill while throwing up.
...you think track is for wussies.
...you try to impress girls by saying you're a fast finisher.
...you consider school as just a break between runs.
...you always stretch while waiting in the lunch line.
...your room smells like Icy-Hot and New-Skin.
...you are bankrolling your physical therapist's next vacation.
...your girlfriend can bench more than you.
...you can count all your ribs.
...you own spandex in more than 1 color.
...track is the other "sport".
...you foam at the mouth everytime you see a big hill.
..."Chariots of Fire" is actually entertaining to you.
...a 12 mile run is an easy day.
...pizza, pasta, pizza, & pasta are your four food groups.
...your watch is more expensive and complicated than your car.
...even your dress shoes have spikes.
...Runner's World provides more pin-ups than Playboy (YEAH SUZY HAMILTON!!!)
...Steve Prefontaine's Birthday is more important than yours.
...you aspire to pain.
...you know as many kinds of pain as eskimos have words for snow.
...you think spandex is a winter's passion statement.
...you never look behind you.
...you don't know what an "off-season" means.
...you have stress fractures.
...you find yourself saying, "it's not really a hill..."
...you hit targets with your snot rocket.
...your feet are comparable to rawhide.
...you're running and you don't know why.
...you see a hill on a putting green.
...your friends refer to you as "the masochist".
...your spit hits everything but the ground.
...you drink more water than Free Willy
...you can't get the "All you can eat" at spaghetti restaurants
...you get pulled over after practice, and can't walk straight because you're so tired
...you ran sub 5 on the P.E. mile run
...you wore spikes on the P.E. mile run
...you did a 30 minute warm up for the P.E. mile run
...you did all of the above for the P.E. mile run
...you routinely race dogs down the street...and win.
...dogs follow you everywhere you go
...you rabbit for the rabbit
...you have 3% or less body fat
...you laugh at sprinters while they run
...theres nothing like intervals to start the week off fresh!!
...you talk to your coaches more than your parents
...you'd rather run than watch T.V.
...watching the New York Marathon on T.V. made you get up and go for a run
...you can say "I like to run" in over five different languages
...more than half the people you know don't know what X-C is
...you run the day after State
...off-season training starts a week after State
...you haven't had a pop in 6 months
...your calves are bigger than your biceps
...your cookie jar is filled with bagels
...there are more miles on your running shoes than the odeometer of your car
...you try to pick up a girl by telling her how fast your first mile is
...you're toe nails are fallen off
...a fatman with a gun says alright gentlemen take em off
...you can't go a day without some little brat saying run forest run
...some little kid wants to know why you're running in your underwear
...you can pronounce those funny Kenyan names
...you're proud that another team has quadrupled you're score
...the seniors assist the freshman into the lake
...you wear skimpier clothes than Madonna
...you refer to puke as a normal bodily function
...people always ask you what events you are running
...you can hallucinate and get high at the same time without taking anything
...you can say more names of your runs than names of your friends
...you spend more time thinking about the scoring system than you do about scoring with the opposite sex
...you always win in your sleep but never in a real race
...you traded in your Gremlin
...you think Lisa Aguilera is hotter than Christina Aguilera.
...you wake up in the morning and find that you're already running.
...the Ritz is your idol, and not a hotel in New York.

Musician Jokes

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 12:00:00 +0000

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a guitar player to turn down?
Put a chart in front of him.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you throw a drowning guitar player?
His amp.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the last thing a drummer says to his band members?
"Hey guys I wrote a song!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when there's a lead singer knocking at your door?
He doesn't know when to come in.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many female singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One...she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four...one to do it and three to bitch because it's electric.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
Two...two...two
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did the Deadhead say after the drugs wore off?
THIS MUSIC SUCKS!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who plays with musicians?
Drummers.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth at once.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of an optimist?
A trombone player with a beeper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The quote you will never hear.
There goes the trombone player in his new Porsche.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A trombone player and a frog pass each other on the street. What is the
difference between the two?
The frog is probably on his way to a gig.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A musician dies and goes to Hell. He gets down there and, to his amazement,
there is a wailing band just a-cookin'. He listens a while and then is
asked to get up and jam.
He does so and is having a blast. He is having the BEST time. After about
three hours he begins to get a little tired and turns to the cat next to
him and whispers, When do we take a break?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another musician dies and goes to Heaven.
St. Peter says, So...you're a musician. Well we've got a pretty good band
up here ourselves. Let me show you.
The musician is ushered to a place where a wailing band is playing. He is
flabbergasted. On guitar is Jimi Hendrix, on bass, Jaco Pastorius, drums,
Buddy Rich, Dizzy Gillespie is blowing on the trumpet, Charlie Parker on
sax, and Duke Ellington on piano.
The musician says, Wow...this is great!
St. Peter says, There's just one problem...God's got a girlfriend he thinks
can sing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a half step?
A: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a bari-sax and a chain saw?
A1: Vibrato.
A2: The exhaust.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't sax players like playing soprano?
A: There's no place to hide your drugs.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a roadie is dead?
The doughnut falls out of his hand.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does New Age music sound like backwards?
New Age music.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are drummer jokes all one-liners?
So the bass players can understand them.

Musician Light Bulb Jokes

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 12:00:00 +0000

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, we have machines to do that now.
How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the keyboardist can do it with his left hand.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One -- he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Changes? Huh?

IT Light Bulb Jokes

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 12:00:00 +0000

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four hundred and seventy-two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many technical support personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine.
Can you tell me what kind of system you have? OK.
Now, exactly how dark is it? OK.
There could be four or five things wrong... Have you tried the light switch?
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many beta testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problem.
Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to screw the bulb into the faucet.
Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem and has assigned you request service number 39,712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light-bulb-change message.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine in my office ...
Q: How many shipping department guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the light bulb in seven to ten working days, but if you call before 2 p.m., and pay an extra $15, we can get the light bulb changed overnight.
Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.
Q: How many service technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and he does it very well, but there is that $85.00 non-refundable on-site service fee to consider . . .
Q: How many quality assurance techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, and you'll need a 48 hour burn-in, two hours of cool down, and a very thorough bench analysis of the new bulb so don't expect to see either bulb for a week or so.
Q: How many receptionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Zero, well actually one, the one that tells the office manager about the light bulb problem in the first place.

Lawyer Light Bulb Jokes

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 12:00:00 +0000

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three -- one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

Section 1. The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Section 2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable federal, state and local statutes.

Section 3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step Section 1 of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as the "Partnership."

More You Might be from New Jersey if...

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

you know what "Quick Check" is
you hang out at said "Quick Check" in the parking lot with your friends doing absoutely nothing and talking about what you are going to do to your car next so you can drag race it better.
you lock your car doors even in small towns
you are desperately wanting to leave the state to go anywhere else and when you do, find you really miss it.
you own any kind of "hooked up" car
you know what "hooked up" means
you know where/what Shades of Death road is
you have been to Shades of Death road
you have heard of Shades of Death road
you know where/what Ghost Lake is
you have been to Ghost Lake
you have heard of Ghost Lake
you have walked across Ghost Lake in the middle of winter at dusk
you have been kicked out of any diner for hanging out there too much
you have been told by a cop that it is your job to drool over a nice Mustang or Camaro so you won't be kicked out of the "Quick Check" parking lot
you can't get your nice drag racing car inspected because of New Jersey's strict emissions tests.
even after moving to California you are shocked when you find out you actually have to get off the freeway to get into the K-Mart parking lot...
you think Jughandles and Traffic circles is the cure for all of California's traffic problems.
after moving to California you get lost on a side street approaching a freeway interchange because the overpass bridge is ahead and not to the right or left.
you get mad when your California friends complain that it took 2 whole years to build a 40 mile long freeway, and tell them all about Interstate 287.
you know what the blue law was, and on Sundays drove to Nanuet NY to shop.
the schools celebrated Halloween, Christmas, and Hannukah.
you knew the whole story of Molly Pitcher and the Jersey Devil.
you understood all the stuff about hooked up cars and quick check but not ghost lake, so you ran for your back copies of "Weird NJ" magazine to find out what it was.
you can taste the difference in a pizza that isn't from jersey.
you lapse into spanglish but have no hispanic heritage.
screw what everyone else says, it's taylor ham, NOT pork roll.
you know at least five people who have a shore house *NOT a beach house*.
you sit back and wait at a gas station *after waiting 2 years longer than everyone else to drive legally after midnight*.
your parents tear up talking about how great asbury park "used to be".
you kow at least three people or places shown on "the sopranos".
you live within twenty minutes of at least three malls.

You know you're from Ohio if...

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You know you're from Ohio if...
You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami.
You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital.
You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
You've heard of 3.2% beer.
Schools close for the state basketball tournament. Deer season, too.
You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point.
You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot.
You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there.
You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,and Tuscarawas Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in "Cincinnati."
You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer.
You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes.
You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers.
"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island.
You measure distance in minutes.
Down south to you means Kentucky.
Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know what pop is.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
You think that deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country.
You're still reading this.

You might be from Illinois if...

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

you see pizza from other places and wonder why the sauce isn't on top
you have a fully developed 'Chicago Walk'
you aren't surprised when your weekend activites include drinking with your friends in just a number of various locations
you know how to play 'Pididle' and know it isn't a good idea
you know that Illinois is basically Chicago with a giant farm attached to it
you yell at people who pronounce the 'S'
you think that there are only two seasons
you and your friends take road trips to the Spam Museum
you know that you only get on the interstate if you are going to the city, the airports, or out of state

You might be from Michigan if...

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You're in a foul mood for days if the Red Wings loose a game.
You know what Greenfield Village is.
You party in Canada on the weekends.
You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees out.
You don't find sleeping under the head of a deer disturbing at all.
Getting a new winter coat is a huge deal.
It's POP!!!! NOT SODA!!!
You drag out "a"'s. (Say bathroom)
Ohio is down south.
You freak out when someone tells you they've never been to Cedar Point.
You go to White Castle more than McDonalds.
You see snow more than sun.

You might be Irish if...

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

There are a statue of the Blessed Virgin AND a Celtic cross AND a leprechaun in your garden.
At least one brother and more than one male cousin have Patrick as a first or a middle name, or at least one sister and more than one female cousin has Mary as a first or a middle name.
You don't know anyone who went to Notre Dame, but you root for them every college football season.
You don't see what the big deal is about drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day.
You regularly quote lines from "The Quiet Man" and "Waking Ned Devine".
You feel a pang of guilt every time you wear orange.
You know what "Up the Republic!" means.
You have a welcome mat and/or bumper sticker that says something in Gaelic, and you don't speak a word of the language.
You know the right way to pour a "Black and Tan" (half Guinness, half Harp).
You know why it's inappropriate to call it a "Black and Tan".
You don't go out on St. Patrick's Day because "It's amateurs night."
Or you skip work on St. Patrick's Day to go to a parade and drink in your favorite pub.
It was a family scandal when one of your siblings/cousins married an Episcopalian.
If something funny happens to you, it takes you twice as long to tell the story as the event actually was.
The summer is not complete if you don't attend at least one Celtic Heritage Festival.
Anytime you hear bagpipes, you say, "The Irish gave the Scots the bagpipes, but they never taught them how to play."

If Operating Systems Ran Your Brain

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

If operating systems ran your brain
Windows for brains:
---------
You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as you encounter a "general protection fault" and as a last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.
DOS for brains:
-----
You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only
in words and never any pictures.
Unix for brains:
------
Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your
brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people
who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also
never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.
CP/M for brains:
------
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.
MVS/CICS for brains:
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about
many things at the one time but never now what other parts of
your brain are thinking unless you have set up SNA connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.
OS/2 for brains:
------
You can think about lots of things at once but need the
equivalent of eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce
any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and
many laugh at you whenever you speak.
Mac for brains:
-----
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good,
feels good but is expensive.
Pick for brains:
------
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.
AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small
memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a
compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.
Linux for Brains:
-------
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs,
ears, mouth or .... thingy.... available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.

If Operating Systems were Airlines

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

If Operating Systems were Airlines
DOS AIR: All the passengers go out onto the runway,
grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in
the air, hop on, and jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push
it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.
WINDOWS AIRLINES: The terminal is very neat and
clean, the attendants are all very attractive and
the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your
jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the
clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without
warning.
MAC AIRWAYS: Tickets are expensive. The cashiers,
flight attendants, and pilots all look the same,
feel the same and act the same. When asked
questions about the flight they reply that you
don't want to know, don't need to know, and would
you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
LINUX EXPRESS: Each passenger brings a piece of the
airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They
gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together. Eventually, they build several different
aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All
passengers believe they got there.

You might be a high school freshman if...

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You sign up for every club available.
You make a point of dressing like and acting like the social group you wish to infiltrate...
...and habitually walk by their "spot" an average of 12.5694 times each lunch...
...buying food each time so you don't look suspicious
You walk around pretending to be drunk and/or stoned
Someone calls you a tweaker and you say "thank you"
You still think guys have cooties...
...and still chase them around at lunch
"you know, you don't seem like a typical freshman" is a compliment of the highest caliber.
You walk around asking people if they're "Gothic"
You don't know what a poseur is.
Teen magazine is your bible.
You are on intimate terms with a trashcan.
You actually fall for that one about the pool being on the 3rd floor.
You shut yourself in your locker when that football playing senior walks by.
You're the one hanging from the hook in the coaches office because you were in the way again.
You have no idea what "the Commons" is
You are the towel boy...for the Arm-Wrestling Club
"Is this island completely surrounded by water?"
You ask the school counselor about taking a class in the "custodial arts" cause a Senior suggested it to you.
Get spotted in the Greenhouse because someone told you it was the Sex Loft.
Stole a book...from the school library
you are intimately acquainted with the insides of every dumpster on campus
you actually bought an elevator pass, and your school only has one floor.

You might be a history major if...

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You find yourself correcting your parents on their history (especially since the last history class they had was in high school...apparently, my dad thinks that Frank Lloyd Wright was one of the Wright Bros.).
You find yourself correcting YOUR PROFESSORS on their history...and they admit they're wrong.
You enjoy watching the History Channel.
You tape history biopics.
You tape history documentaries.
You imagine yourself making commentaries on history like the historians do in the documentaries.
Your personal library has several books on history.
You buy old, used history textbooks at the Used Book Store.
Your parents ask you for questions related to history.
Family members ask you for questions related to history.
You are preoccupied with what you are going to write your master's thesis on while you're at the end of your sophomore year in college.
Ever since you got that A in world history back in high school, you've wanted to take it over again (though it wasn't allowed).
Your friends back in jr. high kept telling you how "useless" history is.
You told your friends how USEFUL history is back in jr. high.
You shudder at the thought of majoring in something boring like business or finance.
You've often pondered things like, "what would happen if Napoleon won the Battle of Waterloo?"
You felt the History Channel was dumbing down its audience when they came up with the show called "hands-on history."
You got upset when the History channel cancelled the show, "In Search of History."
You often imagine what it's like to be in a particular era in time.
You're into your junior year of college and you're still figuring out what kind of history to specialize in.
Various historical figures make your list of "most admired people"
Your personal hero lived over 500 years ago.
Your #1 destination is the Library at Alexandria
You remember the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World and get upset when people get it wrong (which is all the time)
You correct mistakes in your history textbooks and you're in high school.
You observe your favorite historical figures' birthdays and death anniversaries.
You got digital cable because that's the only way you can get the History Channel where you live.
You complain about inaccuracies in "historical" films.

You might be a classic rock fan if...

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You can identify every guitar you see by make and model.
You have season passes to the rock and roll hall of fame.
You've restored and STILL run your black 1970 Challenger with flames on the side,complete with 8-Track player and shag carpet.
You follow your favorite bands by VW microbus or motorcycle.
Any music you owned was on vinyl,8-Track or reel to reel or all of the above.
You've ever been in a Beatles vs. The Stones discussion.
You've ever argued the The Beatles were the king of rock and roll and not Elvis.
Long hair,floral design button-down shirts,bellbottoms and platform boots are your preferred fashion.
You say,"Groovy!" or "Far Out!" when enthused.
Most of your days off are spent at the poolhall playing pinball.
You saw God when you played Black Sabbath at 78 speed.
You idolize dead rock stars.
You can remember the exact date members of your favorite bands were born and when they died(HOW they died too),if they did.
You own more than one book regarding the history of rock and roll.
Your favorite restaurant is the Hard Rock Cafe.
You collect concert t-shirts from days gone by.
You own a baseball cap that says "Fog" on it.
You really believe Van Halen was better when they had David Lee Roth.
You own 5 or more copies of Circus magazine from at least 25 years ago and in very good condition.
You save newspaper clippings about rock stars' deaths.
You remember when Alice Cooper and KISS were actually shocking.
The longer songs are,the better they are.
You admire music for guitar and drum craftsmanship.
You know that Led Zeppelin AND AC/DC both did a song called "You shook Me All Night Long".
You remember when rock and roll had more than one sub-genre and it all didn't sound the same.
You remember when FM radio was the ultimate escape from mainstream pop.
You were hoping to win the lottery when the white Stratocaster that Jimi Hendrix played at Woodstock went up for auction.
You bought it for the $1.5-million it went for.
Your three favorite movie soundtracks are-Joe Dirt,Free Bird and Howard Stern-Private Parts.
You remember buying record albums for the hit singles and you LOVED the album tracks even better.
_Stairway to Heaven_ or _Thank You_ were the songs at all 8 of your weddings.
You've been asked by the salesman to demonstrate guitar models at your local instrument shop--and you don't even play guitar.
Your wardrobe consists solely of tour t-shirts from bands that formed over 25 years ago.
And you're 12.
You've ever played in a tribute band for any group formed before 1980.
You were the lead singer for said group.
The last cd you bought originally came out on vinyl. And you still have the vinyl record.
You still have a working 8-track player in your home, and you buy 8-tracks for it.
You've ever created a shrine to the following drummers: John Bonham, Neal Peart, Peter Criss, Carmine Appice, Charlie Watts, Ginger Baker, Mitch Mitchell, Jim McCarty,
Ringo Starr, Chris Slade, Kevin Kelly, Keith Moon, Nick Mason...
You can name every single group in which the above drummers played.
Your baby could hum every tune from _Dark Side of the Moon_ before she could talk.
Ditto with Led Zeppelin IV (Untitled).
same with the Eagles' Hotel California
You are aware that Chicago was a hard rock band before they were well-known for their sappy ballads.
You owned Boston's debut album on vinyl AND 8-track when it came out and later on,bought it on cassette AND CD.
You can draw The Rolling Stones logo to complete perfection.
You can draw Rush's logo to complete perfection.
You know the formal connection between Deep Purple and Whitesnake.
You know the formal connection between Deep Purple and Rainbow.
You can name BOTH bands Edward King was in.
You owned Foreigner's debut album on vinyl or 8-track and you recently bought it on CD just to hear the bonus tracks not on the original.
You own every live album from every band you listen to or have seen in concert.
(Women only) You've ever had a crush on Jim Morrison, John Lennon, or any other dead rock star, and you're under 30.
your favorite radio station is called "arrow", "hawk", "eagle", or "fox"
said radio station plays a block of Led Zeppelin every night at 7:00 p.m.

You might be a Fear Factor addict if...

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You say grace like this: In 3...2...1...GO!
You can recite Joe's disclaimer at the beginning (the stunts you're about to see...)
You've ever cooked with worms
you've actually tried to jump from building to building.
You're used to the taste of buffalo's testicles.
You stay under water in your freezing cold bathtub for as long as possible.
You tried to escape from your car.
While you were driving.

You might be from Chicago if...

Thu, 06 Jul 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C (or vice versa) in the same day.
You get extremely irritated when you hear people from other states pronounce the "S" at the end of "Illinois."
Grocery stores have bags, not sacks.
You drink pop.
You're convinced that the people who say you speak with an accent are crazy.
The names Stevenson, Eisenhower, and Kennedy mean more to you than just political figures.
You refer to Chicago as "the city" and to Lake Michigan as "the lake."
You measure distance in minutes/hours.
You go to Indiana for fireworks.
You think people from Northwest Indiana don't know how to drive.
You get pissed off at the people from Wisconsin who claim YOU don't know how to drive.
Your favorite football teams are the Bears and any team that beats the Packers.
Every year at your neighborhood block party, a brawl breaks out over which baseball team is better.
You've ever used pieces of furniture (like couches, for example) to save your parking spot in the winter.
There are no such things as "freeways," only "expressways" and "tollways."
No cop, no stop.
The "L" is more than just a letter of the alphabet.
You know that there really is an East Side of Chicago, and it ain't Lake Michigan!
You can't tie your shoes, but you know the number for Empire Carpet (and the accompanying song) from memory.
When you hear the words "North/South Rivalry," you don't think of the Civil War.
You understand the significance of 708, 312, 773, 630, 847, and 815.
Everything south of I-80 is considered Southern Illinois.
You carry jumper cables in your car.
You know why they REALLY call Chicago "The Windy City."
You can always spot at least one car running in a store parking lot with no one in it, no matter what time of year.
You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Plaines."
Your school classes were ever cancelled because of cold, whether or not there was snow on the ground.
Your school classes were ever cancelled because of heat.
You understand what "lake effect" means.
You know what goes on a Chicago Style hot dog.
"Deep dish" is the only kind of pizza you will eat.

Cow Capitalism

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

Traditional Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

International variations

An American corporation

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French corporation

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese corporation

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A German corporation

You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A British corporation

You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Italian corporation

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian corporation

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss corporation

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A Hindu corporation

You have two cows. You worship them.

A Chinese corporation

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Arkansas corporation

You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...

If operating systems ran your car.

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

Posted to: alt.folklore.computers
From: David Zykin
Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives
you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of 200
miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says "go to the
store". Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
S/36 SSP (mainframe, obv.): You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are
run over by kids on mopeds.
AS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignon.
Additional postings:
Amiga Workbench: You buy the car with wheels, engine and seat, add
dashboard, windshield, tires and trim (that almost matches). Then you
speed easily toward downtown while combing your hair... except that an
unseen mosquito dive bombs you leaving the car in pieces again.
AIX: you think you can drive it because it _looks_ like the car
you learned on, but none of the controls work right.
SunOS: runs great, but sometimes you wish you'd paid extra and
got the windshield/brakes option package.
Solaris: after three weeks, you go back to the dealer and
demand your trade-in back.
Linux: you install a new stereo and the engine starts knocking. Fortunately,
you've rebuilt it 54560 times already so it's no problem.
HP/UX: As you proceed to the store at breakneck speed, you marvel at
how solid and smooth things are despite how hard you beat on your car.
On the way home you have a small problem with the glove compartment lock,
but HP won't help you with it because when you got new tires last month
they weren't HP brand so now your entire car is "unsupported".
AIX: You get in the car and start driving around. After six months
of getting used to the funny controls, you find that there's no way to
work the cigarette lighter. You call the manufacturer, and they send you
part number 2233ab-55dqz-1854@zbf{]^Z..11, which gets attached to the
air filter. Now the cigarette lighter works, sort of (it glows, but
doesn't get hot enough to actually *light* a cigarette.), but the stereo
is broken. They send you part number 77nnbds7450-ll;94bbx])..99Q, which
you affix to the lower right tie rod. It fixes the stereo, but the lighter
still doesn't work.
After two years of applying fixes to the suspension, the exhaust, the power
seats, the windows, the rear defogger, the fuel pump, the radiator, and the
fuel injectors, you *still* don't have a working lighter.
Then the manufacturer tells you that they no longer support your outdated
gasoline powered car, but that if you would care to buy one of the new,
improved, methane powered vehicles, all your problems will be solved.
GEOS: You get on your motor-scooter and drive to the store quickly and
smoothly, enjoying the scenery and getting great gas mileage. When
you stop at the auto parts store on the way home for a spare tire,
they look at you as if they don't know what you mean.
Fully Expanded Mac System 7: (that is, with everything from Greg's
Buttons to StuffIt MagicMenu) You get in the car, wait half an hour for
it to load all the modifications to the brakes, the transmission, the
dashboard -- and can't get to the store, because your gearshift isn't
compatible with your tailpipe anymore.
Mac System 7.5: You drag the "me" icon to the "store" icon, and the car
drives you to church ... IF the Church GX extension is installed in your
Chooser!
[One of the main features of System 7.5 is "drag-and-drop" printing
through QuickDraw GX. This lets you drag a region of text to a "desktop
printer" icon.]
Mac System 8 / MacOS: You get in the car and it drives you to the store,
to church, to your ex-girlfriend's place in Vermont, to Radio Shack, and
to hell -- simultaneously, in Millions of Colors. And your car will run
on anything from a dirt road to a superhighway.

Operating Systems for Your Brain

Sun, 25 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

If your brain required an operating system like your computer does, what
would it be like?
Windows for brains:
You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a
short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a
"general protection fault" and as a last resort you have to re-boot your
brain.
DOS for brains:
You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember anything else you
were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any
pictures.
Unix for brains:
Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of
sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same
vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to
learn how to think. Predominantly a random thinker.
CP/M for brains:
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less
than 3 letters long.
MVS/CICS for brains:
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the
one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unless you
have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an
army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.
OS/2 for brains:
You can think about lots of things at once, but you need the equivalent of
eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce any rational thought.
No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.
Mac for brains:
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good, and is
... different...
Pick for brains:
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.
AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small memory. The
trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things
another to compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.
Linux for Brains:
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, mouth or
.... thingy.... available yet, so you are reluctant to change over at this
stage.

About

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

YouMightBe.com is a revived 1990s humor page. It started out as a collection of "you might be a ... if" lists in the spirit of Jeff Foxworthy's redneck jokes, gathered from contributors and from around the early web, and it's been brought back here from the archives with a layout modeled on the site's early-2000s look.

Humor from that era doesn't always age well. The more offensive and poorly-aged bits have been cleaned up, but with this much archived material there may still be some offensive relics lurking in the lists. If you run across one, please let us know.

Contact

Questions, corrections, or something that should have been cleaned up? Email info [at] youmightbe [dot] com.

You might be a cheapskate if...

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

I'm wondering if this was submitted by a soon-to-be ex-wife:
You might be a cheapskate if......
You concentrate on lowest prices than quality of an item.
You've ever went Christmas shopping at Goodwill.
You bought your wife her anniversary present at a yard sale.
Your brand new car will only last 2 years because you will never take it for repairs when needed.
You never buy flowers at Memorial Day.
You take your wife out for her anniversary dinner to McDonald's or Wal-Mart snack bar every year.
When shopping for groceries,you don't buy it unless you have a coupon or it's on sale.
You discreetly steal(without getting caught) every chance you get. [ okay, that's worse than a cheapskate... unless you're stealing extra ketchup packets--then that's just sad ]
You live in a house built in 1954 and it hasn't been remodeled since then.
You have a bumper sticker that says,"My Other Car Is A Piece Of Shit Too." and it's true.
You can't remember the last time you donated to a good cause.
You're not even sure if there was a FIRST time you donated to a good cause.
You do not drink alcohol unless it's open bar.
You say you only have 2 bucks when in reality there is 200 bucks in your wallet.
You ALWAYS drink water when you go to a restaurant. (unless you think someone else is going to pick up the tab... Then, you order the most expensive beverage they have. )
You usually take a bag of chips to covered dish picnics you get invited to.
Every year, getting a Christmas tree involves going into isolated woods.
You are a smoker and you bum more cigarettes than you buy your own.
Your wife's most common phrase at your home is,"It's probably broken like everything else around this place!"
Your kids get penny candy for Easter every year... from penny-operated gumball machines.

You might be a cheesehead if...

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

Much like the redneck lists, the good lists make you wonder if the person is putting himself down for being one.
You might be a Cheesehead if...
If your idea of a 7-course meal is a Brat and a 6-pack... you might be a Cheesehead!
If the Packer gear you wear to the game costs more than the trailer you live in... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you go to a December game without a shirt on... and so does your husband... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you name any of your kids Brett, Bart, Vince, Ray, or Curly... you might be a Cheesehead!
If your wedding dress has a "G" on it... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you've ever missed a wedding, your own child's birth, or a funeral to go to a game... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you have gotten frostbitten and sunburned at the same game... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you owe more money on your seat license than on your car... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you refer to the Packers as "we"... you might be a Cheesehead!
If ANY of your lingerie has Green Bay Packers anywhere on it, and your husband thinks it's the sexiest thing you own... you both might be Cheeseheads!
If game time temperature is going to be in the 20's and you're not sure if you should take a jacket... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you have EVER drunk a beer at a game when it was below zero... you might be a Cheesehead!
If your skin has ever been frozen to a seat or a goal post... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you spend more each month on tickets than you do on rent... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you have a casual and a formal cheesehead... you might be a Cheesehead... and an idiot!
If wearing a cheesehead to anywhere besides a Packers game seems like a good idea... you might be a Cheesehead!
If your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday... you might be a Cheesehead!
If you can't say "Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field" without dropping your voice 2 octaves... you might be a Cheesehead!

You might be a Canadian if...

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, i just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
You drink pop, not soda.
You know that a mickey and 24's mean, "Party at the camp, eh!!"
You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee and many more, are Canadians.
You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.
You design your halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter and road work.
You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada".
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
"Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite then "Huh?".
... And this is a simple joke.. no need to flame how non-superior Americans are.
You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin, as you can only use more change.
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You participate in Participaction!
Your backpack has more than one Canadian flag iron-on.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
You think -10 C (14F) is mild weather.
You have twins named Donovan and Bailey.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky
You can drink legally while still a teen.
You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
You know that Mounties "don't always look like that
You know what a toque is.
You know Toronto is not a province.
You never miss "Coaches Corner."
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favorites food groups.
You actually read, not scanned this list

You might be a child of the 80s if...

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

You are more in love with New Kids On The Block than N'Sync.
Shopping is still your favorite past-time.
Rambo is still your hero.
You own every single Rocky film on DVD.
You love to shop at Gadzooks because of some of the novelty t-shirts they sell.
You really DO wear your sunglasses at night.
Your Trans-Am is dubbed your "pride and joy".
You still proudly wear three quarter length t-shirts.
You still proudly wear spandex.
You will never part with your G.I. Joe sheet set.
Looking back,you wish you'd taped every episode of Knight Rider.
You wake up at 8 AM every Saturday moring,only to be disappointed because The Smurfs aren't on anymore.
The only games you ever play at the arcade are:Pac-Man,Space Invaders,Pole Position,Centipede and Galaxian.
You are in your twenties and songs from the 80s drive you to reminisce about the days you were a kid.
You miss the ritual of watching The Dukes Of Hazzard every Friday night.
You remember the great "Smurfs vs. Snorks" debate
...you still participate in that debate.
You can name every one of the Transformers
...you still have every one of the Transformers
...and still play with them
When someone says ho, you think "Thunder, thunder, thunder, Thundercats..."
...you still have a crush on Panthro
You remember "Mask"
...and have been caught humming the theme song
...in the last 2 hours
You instinctively leave the house whenever Soul Train comes on
...no matter what time
...or what day
"By the power of Grayskull..."
You still bear emotional scars from having to play Kowl during playground She-Ra games.
...you remember which one was Kowl
You know Alf from the television show, not from those annoying 10-10-whatever commercials.
You emailed corrections for "I Love the '80s" to VH1.
You remember the original airing of most of the videos on VH1 Classic.
VH1 Classic is your favorite channel
...and you're under 30.
You know which Corey was which
...people still ask you to clarify
...because of the Tiger-Beat t-shirt
your kid's first word was "grody to the max", "gag me with a spoon", or "that's like, so bitchin'"
you like the New Monkees better than you like the Monkees
you've actually seen an episode of the New Monkees
you've actually seen every episode
and bought the album
you still think red M&M's are a big deal
you could really go for Penguin's
you know that last one is referring to frozen yogurt
you prefer Pseudo Echo's version of "Funkytown" to Lipps Inc's version
you're aware that Pseudo Echo did a version of "Funkytown"
you have heard of Pseudo Echo
you know who Gordon Shumway is.
you still think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is cool.
you actually tried calling in sick to work by saying you had "Pac-Man fever"
"the 9th key" has any signifigance to you.

You might have grown up in the 90s if...

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

Airwalk was ever your preferred shoe brand.
You've ever wore a T-shirt under an unbuttoned button-down shirt.
You're STILL saving for a Dodge Viper.
You taped every episode of Ren And Stimpy.
You taped every episode of Beavis And Butthead.
You know what the term "grunge" means.
Your parents have ever walked into the coffeehouse and uttered the words,"Come home.It's time for dinner."
Ditto if you were ever at the mall.
You went back to your high school and recovered the drawer-full of confiscated hackeysacks. AND they ALL were yours and have a story behind them.
You own EVEN one Poison Pog.
AND you STILL know how to play the Poison Pog game.
50% of your conversations were about what happened on Dawson's Creek.

Your band might be a sell-out if...

Wed, 21 Jun 2006 12:00:00 +0000

Your band might be a sell-out if.....
Music you wrote and recorded is constantly heard on top 40 radio.
You see yourself on MTV more than once a week.
You have more female fans than male fans.
You went to a mall and saw at least one t-shirt advertising for your band.
Merchandise advertising for your band isn't only t-shirts.
You saw your picture with your bandmates on the front of Rolling Stone magazine.
Nickelodeon and The Disney Channel will even play your videos.
You have been asked by more than five companies to do a commercial.
You became a millionaire in one year despite the fact you dropped out of high school.
You can't take a leisurely stroll without everybody forming a crowd around you,asking for your autograph.