- You no longer associate bridges (or river) with water.
- You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
- You can make instant sun tea.
- You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
- The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
- You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
- You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
- Hot water now comes out of both taps.
- It’s noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
- You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
- You’ve ever been asked whether or not you live in a hotel.
- Most of the moving walkways in your town aren’t in the airport.
- You can instantly recall the schedule for all of the free shows.
- You can name at least three places to see white tigers, and none of them are zoos.
- You’re familiar with the proper procedures for killer bee attacks.
- You can find more celebrities in your town at any given time than you can in Hollywood.
- You see people dressed as Klingons, and there’s no Star Trek convention, and it’s not Halloween.
- You wonder how confused future archaeologists will be when they dig up your town.
- The only two Lakes you can name are “Mead” and “Bellagio”.
- Your town is basically a big garbage disposal for cash.
- You know when the next building implosion is.
- You know what lies beyond the Strip.
You Might be a Guitarist if…
- you always carry picks in your wallet, but not necessarily cash.
- you start a scale in the wrong place, and your wife comes home and tells you she bought a new g-string and you answer, “Cool, Phosphor Bronze or Nickel wound?” ( mojoman )
- your wife tells you she dented the fender, and you run to the guitar room to check on your strat. ( mojoman )
- no matter where you are in your house, you’re within 5 inches of a tray of picks.
- you go through more strings than girlfriends.
- you tie your shoes up with high gauge strings.
- you’ve ever been sprayed with water to make you stop playing.
- you’ve ever taken speed just to play death-metal.
- you’ve ever threatened someone with physical violence after they bump into the head of your guitar (and caused it to detune).
- you’ve ever yelled at someone for playing one of your old guitars, that hasn’t been touched in 2 years.
- you’ve ever dropped what you’re doing to go across town on “emergency pick run.”
- you can play Stairway to Heaven on any stringed insturment.
- you take more than one guitar on a 3-day vacation.
- you’ve ever missed two meals in a row trying to “tab out” a song.
- you’ve ever stopped playing a song in the middle because of a mistake that no one else noticed .
- you’ve ever figured out tv commercial jingles/tv show themes just to kill time.
- someone has threatened to injure you if you play Stairway to Heaven one more time.
- you have one or more guitar within reaching distance while reading this.
- you have a strong urge to play your guitar while reading this list.
- you are reading this list with a guitar on your knee.
- you have taken a break from reading this list to play guitar.
You Might Be a Film Student if…
- You expect to starve for the rest of your life.
- Your friends never heard of your favorite movies.
- You want to push a baby carriage down some steps.
- At a wedding, you go to the father of the bride and say, “I would like to thank
- you for inviting me on the day of your daughter’s wedding.”
- You call your sled “Rosebud”.
- You get tired of people thinking that Rocky is the only film with a montage.
- You get annoyed when people think that montage is merely a way of passing time.
- You call your computer “hall”
- You run and duck when you watch any movie that involves a train pulling into a station.
- Metropolis is your idea of awesome special effects.
- You watch a movie only because snobs with fancy college degrees tell you to.
- You’ve taken adderal to sit through a slow film.
- Your friends don’t get your movie references.
- You watch a movie scene and you’re the only one of your friends to know what movie the scene was referencing.
- You actually know what movies these jokes are referncing.
You might be from New Jersey if…
- you’ve been seriously injured at Action Park.
- you know that the only people who call it “Joisey” are from New York(usually The Bronx)or Texas.
- you don’t think of citrus when people mention “The Oranges.”
- you know that it’s called “Great Adventure,” not “Six Flags.”
- you’ve ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
- you’ve known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
- you’ve eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
- whenever you park, there’s a Camaro within three spots of you.
- you remember that the “Two Guys” were from Harrison.
- you know that the state isn’t one big oil refinery.
- at least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
- you know what a “jug handle” is.
- you know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
- you know that the state isn’t all farmland.
- you know that it isnt “The Beach” in New Jersey – it’s the shore, and you know that the road to the shore is “The Parkway” not “The Garden State Highway.”
- you know that “Piney” isn’t referring to a tree.
- even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs, and, you call it a “sub” not a “submarine sandwich” or worse yet, a “hoagie” or a “hero.”
- you remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
- you know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
- you knew that the last question had to do with driving.
- you know that “Acme” is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
- you know that this is the only “New…” state that doesn’t require “New” to identify it (like, try …Mexico, …York, …Hampshire (doesn’t work, does it?).
- you only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it “The City.”
- you consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
- in the 80’s you wore your hair REALLY high. (wait, didn’t everybody??)
- you don’t think “What exit” (do you live near?) is very funny.
- you know that the real first “strip shopping center” in the country is Route 22.
- you know that people from 609 area code are “a little different.”
- you know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton – that’s for out-of-staters.
- the Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
- you live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
- you can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
- you refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
- every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
- you know where every “clip” shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
- you’ve gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
- you’ve eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
- you have a favorite Atlantic City casino.
- you start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
- you’ve never pumped your own gas. (Chris) Took me forever to get this one…
- you know how to navigate a circle while talking on a cell phone and smoking a Marlboro w/o using blinkers. (Mandie)
- every 3 miles you drive there is a deserted mall.
- most really nice homes have a gas station and a junk yard next door to them.
- you never tell the truth about what state you’re from when strangers ask you in a chatroom.
- most of your cash is in dimes and quarters.
- even after moving to California, you still carry a separate change purse full of quarters and dimes for tolls. (Diane)
- you learned to drive by backing out of your driveway onto a 50 MPH road. (visitor submission)
- you have the shop install lumps and dents into your fenders so others will know that you have the strength in convinction to change lanes. (visitor submission)
- you take kick-boxing lessons hoping someone will tell you the two weeks in
New Jersey prize joke. (visitor submission) - you know where highway 9 is from that Bruce Springsteen song.
- you have ever shopped at Wawa.
You might be making your coworkers uncomfortable if…
- you reply to all on e-mail announcements about the death of a co-worker’s family member with something like, “It’s about time.”
- you publicly insist that your employer recognize your chronic body odor as a disability.
- you enthusiastically pleasure yourself whenever someone hands you a memo.
- you give yourself a really cool nickname and refuse to answer to anything else. The nickname should always include your nationality. Examples: The Italian Stallion or The Canadian Bacon.
- you bring in all of your GI Joe action figures from your childhood days. At your desk, stage full scale battles complete with pyrotechnics. Demand paid time off to bury your dead.
- you announce your arrival every morning in a booming voice. Example: “The Haitian Sensation is here!!!”
- you bring in chittlins everyday for lunch. Be sure to warm them in the microwave so the fine aroma of pig intestine wafts through the building.
- you are the only one with enough nerve to ask the office hermaphrodite what it is, a man or a woman.
- you approach people randomly and ask them to smell your index finger.
- you drive a motor scooter to work wearing a leather jacket with “Bad to the Bone” embroidered on the back.
- you refuse to zip your fly because your “little friend” is claustrophobic.
- you wash your hands in the urinal.
- you discard any roadkill from your morning commute in your cubicle’s waste basket.
- you ask your black coworkers why their people are always trying to keep the white man down.
- you openly discuss your menstrual cycle. If someone points out the fact that you’re a man, bring them up on sexual harassment charges.
- you push your desk away from any direct sunlight because “it burns so bad.”
- you wear all black and sacrifice small animals to the paper shredder gods.
- you when in a crowded bathroom, stare directly at the person using the next urinal. If he turns to look at you, brand him a homosexual and threaten to tell his children.
- you wear a rain bonnet because you’ve never trusted the filthy bastards that design fire sprinklers.
- you walk up to peoples’ desks, look at pictures of their children and ask them who the hell they think they are, procreating.
- you answer the phone, “I am the angel of the death. The hour of reckoning is upon us. How may I help you?”
- you fall asleep at your desk. Wake up screaming, “GOOSE, I CAN’T REACH THE EJECTION HANDLE!!! EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!!!”
- you demand special treatment because you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of years of measuring fish while serving in the coast guard.
- you enter the company day care center, look at the children and announce, “One of your parent’s was just killed in a horrible accident.” Turn around and leave.
- turn your cubicle into a fort. Install a secret entrance and post a “Girls Have Cooties” sign.
- ask a coworker if you can borrow their left shoe.
- start a nasty rumor about your boss having an affair with the janitor just to see how much the story changes by the time it gets back to you.
- during meetings, flatulate loudly, fan it toward your coworkers and ask them to guess what you had for breakfast.
- you set up Star Wars action figures around your desk and sit around making Darth Vader breathing noises… Occasionally, you mumble something about crushing the rebellion and take out a group of action figures with a toy light saber.
You might be a Trekkie if…
You might be annoying your Facebook friends if…
- You standard response to any emergency is to post its occurrence as your status, then deal with the emergency.
- …bonus points if you solicit advice for handling the emergency via Facebook.
- You take every “What kind of …. are you?” quiz possible, including the “What kind of chia pet are you??” quiz. (I’m hope that I’m making that one up.)
- You update statuses like a misguided Twitter addict.
- You spam all of your friends with app requests so that you can unlock the next level of super pokes.
- You keep answering 21 questions about your friends in a paranoid attempt to find out who thinks you would fart in public.
- You spend more time playing Farmville than most people spend awake.
- You insist on posting inappropriate things that your mom, who is your Facebook friend, feels compelled to respond to.
- You’ve friended your disgruntled exes and regularly start awkward passive-aggressive rants about them.
- You participate in every “post this as your status if” trend as if there was some “breaking the chain letter” curse for not doing so.
- “25 things about me” was way too little information about yourself, so you fill out more lists that require you to tag your friends in your troubling revelations, making them collateral damage.
- You rant about how stupid people are in your status, misspelling every other word.
- You seem to think that every one of your “friends” would be interested in joining your fringe political movement, and attempt to persuade by derision of those too meek to stand up and join you.
- You regularly feel compelled to post things that reveal too much information about things no one wants to know about. (Hint: If it came out of your body unexpectedly or happened when you were at least half-naked, the rest of us probably don’t want to know.)
You might be from Los Angeles if…
This list is from the mid-90s as obvious from the third item…
- you know it’s best not to be on the 405 at 4:05 pm.
- getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about “twenty minutes”.
- EVERYONE you know owns a pager and/or cell phone.
- you know what neighborhood someone lives in by the degree of damage incurred during the riots.
- you’ve inadvertently learned Spanish.
- you’ve got to bring the cat/plants in when it drops to 55 degrees.
- in the “winter”, you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day.
- you’ve bumped into a celebrity at El Pollo Loco.
- you know what “sigalert”, “PCH”, and “the five” mean.
- after an earthquake, everyone has a pretty good idea what it measured on the Richter scale.
- your pizza delivery guy is also on contract with Warner Bros.
- your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you’re definitely driving.
- you have a gym membership because it’s mandatory.
- your TV show is interrupted by a police chase.
- you can’t fall asleep without the lull of a helicopter flying overhead.
- you were housebound during the “melathion” sprayings.
- you know people who have a ridiculous number of piercings/tattoos/guns.
- when tourists ask where they can get souvenirs, you direct them to Venice Beach.
- you know someone named Freedom, Rainbow, Persephone or Destiny.
- you’ve trespassed through private property to get to the “Hollywood” sign.
- you’ve partied in Tijuana at least once.
- you know Hollywood has a “lake”.
- you don’t stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.
- you’ve lost your car in the Century City Shopping Center parking lot.
- you’ve ever bought oranges, flowers, cherries or peanuts on a freeway off-ramp.
You might be making your coworkers uncomfortable if…
(See also Grumpy Coworker)
- you ask your black coworkers why their people are always trying to keep the white man down.
- you openly discuss your menstrual cycle. If someone points out the fact that you’re a man, bring them up on sexual harassment charges.
- you push your desk away from any direct sunlight because “it burns so bad.”
- you wear all black and sacrifice small animals to the paper shredder gods.
- you when in a crowded bathroom, stare directly at the person using the next urinal. If he turns to look at you, brand him a homosexual and threaten to tell his children.
- you wear a rain bonnet because you’ve never trusted the filthy bastards that design fire sprinklers.
- you walk up to peoples’ desks, look at pictures of their children and ask them who the hell they think they are, procreating.
- you answer the phone, “I am the angel of the death. The hour of reckoning is upon us. How may I help you?”
- you fall asleep at your desk. Wake up screaming, “GOOSE, I CAN’T REACH THE EJECTION HANDLE!!! EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!!!”
- you demand special treatment because you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of years of measuring fish while serving in the coast guard.
- you enter the company day care center, look at the children and announce, “One of your parent’s was just killed in a horrible accident.” Turn around and leave.
- turn your cubicle into a fort. Install a secret entrance and post a “Girls Have Cooties” sign.
- ask a coworker if you can borrow their left shoe.
- start a nasty rumor about your boss having an affair with the janitor just to see how much the story changes by the time it gets back to you.
- during meetings, flatulate loudly, fan it toward your coworkers and ask them to guess what you had for breakfast.
- you set up Star Wars action figures around your desk and sit around making Darth Vader breathing noises… Occasionally, you mumble something about crushing the rebellion and take out a group of action figures with a toy light saber.
You might be a Monty Python fan if…
- everytime you want to change the subject you say “and now for something completely different”
- you named your website Weasels and Spit
- when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you’ve been doing you’ve ever replied “I just spent four hours buryin’ the cat” (and enjoyed the strange look you got)
- you have ever responded to someone asking where something is by saying “Is it behind the rabbit?”
- your birthday/Christmas wish list has “a holy hand granade” as your number one wish.
- all of your comebacks/insults are in an “outrageous accent.”
- somebody wishes to move past you (vehicle, etc.) you quote the bridge scene.
- when someone asks your name you say “(in a thundering voice) Some people call me. . . (quieter) [your name here].
- if you find yourself saying “NI” to people that you don’t like
- you have a perfect cockney accent… and you’ve never been to England
- you find yourself saying “tis only a scratch” when you are bleeding to death and laughing about it through the pain
- you have all the CD’s with songs on them, and people catch you singing them to yourself.
- you watched “As Good As It Gets” and snickered when Jack Nicholson played “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” not because of the irony of it all, but because you remember the song from “Life of Brian.”