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	<title>YouMightBe.com&#039;s humor lists &#187; nurse</title>
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		<title>You might be a nurse if&#8230;</title>
		<link>http://youmightbe.com/blog/2009/02/20/you-might-be-a-nurse-if/</link>
		<comments>http://youmightbe.com/blog/2009/02/20/you-might-be-a-nurse-if/#comments</comments>
		<pubDate>Fri, 20 Feb 2009 16:03:25 +0000</pubDate>
		<dc:creator>Thomas</dc:creator>
				<category><![CDATA[You Might Be Humor List]]></category>
		<category><![CDATA[nurse]]></category>

		<guid isPermaLink="false">http://youmightbe.com/blog/?p=127</guid>
		<description><![CDATA[your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that &#8220;ask-a-nurse&#8221; is an evil plot thought up by satan [...]]]></description>
			<content:encoded><![CDATA[<ul>
<li>your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com )</li>
<li>discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you <em>(Mary)</em></li>
<li>you have the bladder capacity of five people</li>
<li>you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance</li>
<li>you believe that &#8220;ask-a-nurse&#8221; is an evil plot thought up by satan</li>
<li>you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, &#8220;wow, it is         really quiet&#8221; is uttered</li>
<li>your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.</li>
<li>you mutter, &#8220;great veins&#8221; when being introduced to a complete stranger</li>
<li>you have ever answered a &#8220;lost condom&#8221; phone call.</li>
<li>you believe chocolate is a food grouP.</li>
<li>you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.</li>
<li>you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.</li>
<li>your most common assessment question is &#8220;what changed tonight to make it an         emergency after 6 years?&#8221;</li>
<li>you have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth         control</li>
<li>you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, &#8220;I have no idea         how that got stuck in there.&#8221;</li>
<li>you have ever had a patient say, &#8220;but i&#8217;m not pregnant, i can&#8217;t be pregnant, how         can i be having a baby?&#8221;</li>
<li>you have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.</li>
<li>your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone&#8217;s</li>
<li>your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in         the back yard.</li>
<li>you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest         restaurants</li>
<li>when checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren&#8217;t sure of the correct         answers</li>
<li>you always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.</li>
<li>your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to         &#8220;their room.&#8221;</li>
<li>the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips.</li>
<li>you refer to motorcyclists as &#8220;organ donors.&#8221;</li>
<li>you are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.</li>
<li>your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat</li>
<li>you&#8217;ve ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you &#8220;I&#8217;m afraid of shots.&#8221;</li>
<li>you believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day</li>
<li>you stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when         coughing or sneezing.</li>
<li>your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active         bleeding in order to receive your sympathy.</li>
<li>you&#8217;ve ever sworn you are going to have &#8220;NO CODE&#8221; tattooed on your chest.</li>
<li>you have been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate</li>
</ul>
<p>The following are from the well-maintained <a href="http://weirdnursingtales.com/enter.htm" target="_blank">Weird Nursing Tales</a>.       Be sure to check the site for more medical humor, and updates to the following     list:</p>
<ul>
<li>You believe tontine treatment is a legitimate alternative.</li>
<li>You&#8217;ve ever told a patient to &#8216;move toward the light.&#8217;</li>
<li>You&#8217;ve ever used an ABD as a makeshift sanitary pad</li>
<li>You constantly feel the veins in your girlfriends or wife&#8217;s arms, boasting, &#8220;I         could hit that one easy&#8221;</li>
<li>You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan)</li>
<li>You&#8217;ve ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same         time</li>
<li>You ever felt like a Proctologist because you work with assholes</li>
<li>It IS as BAD as you think, and the patients ARE out to get you</li>
<li>You ever told a patient he didn&#8217;t need to be dead to donate an organ</li>
<li>You feel that earth is the insane asylum for the universe</li>
<li>You believe some patients are alive only because it&#8217;s illegal to kill them</li>
<li>In a critical situation, the most highly qualified clinician will offer the most advice         and the least support.</li>
<li>You do the &#8220;only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance&#8221;</li>
<li>When you need the money, your shift is cancelled; when you have a weekend planned, you         have to do overtime.</li>
<li>You believe skin signs tell all.</li>
<li>You believe sick people don&#8217;t bitch.</li>
<li>You believe air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a         bad thing.</li>
<li>You believe about 80% of the battery patients deserved it.</li>
<li>You believe the more equipment you see on a nurses belt, the newer they are.</li>
<li>You believe if you drop the baby, pick it up.</li>
<li>You believe when dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying         it, it was the wrong thing to say.</li>
<li>You believe all people will eventually die, no matter what you do.</li>
<li>You believe If the child is quiet, be scared.</li>
<li>You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes.</li>
<li>You believe if the patient vomits in the ED, try to hold their head to the side of the         stretcher with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.</li>
<li>You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is         the real problem.</li>
<li>You believe there will be problems.</li>
<li>You can&#8217;t cure stupid.</li>
<li>You believe if it&#8217;s wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!</li>
<li>You believe heaven protects Fools and Drunks.</li>
<li>You believe every Emergency has three phases: Panic, Fear, and Remorse.</li>
<li>You believe that idiots that get into car crashes are the first ones to complain how         bumpy the ambulance ride is.</li>
<li>You believe when a patient vomits, be sure to aim it at the family members who wouldn&#8217;t         back up.</li>
<li>You never trust crash cart, drug box or airway bag to be fully stocked.</li>
<li>You believe there is no such thing as a &#8220;textbook case&#8221;</li>
<li>There is no such thing as a bad code, only codes that didn&#8217;t go the way you planned.</li>
<li>You believe just because someone&#8217;s license date is before yours does not mean they know         what they are doing.</li>
<li>You believe in the underwear theory of charting: Keep your ass covered!</li>
<li>Your immune system has reached out and bitch slapped someone visiting the ED because of         a head cold.</li>
<li>You believe the best way to give someone a nice warm feeling deep down inside is by         using warm water in the enema bag.</li>
<li>You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope.</li>
<li>To you the phrase &#8220;divide and conquer&#8221; means getting two co-workers to help         you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient.</li>
<li>You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a         patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained.</li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever cared for a patient with ATS (Acute Thespian Syndrome)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You own at least three pens with the names of prescription         medications on them</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the best patients are SIR&#8230;Sedated, Intubated and         Restrained</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only         bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe God and hard work made us Nurses, Prozac made us         friends.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, &#8216;Hey, watch this&#8217;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use         on really annoying patients.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You no longer have a gag reflex.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You hide on Thursday nights to you don&#8217;t have to translate all the         terms on &#8220;ER&#8221; for your friends/relatives.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever been tempted to place a rectal tube hooked to         suction for a FOS patient.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe blow darts dipped in curare PRN is an appropriate         order for annoying family members.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You make up new ways to describe strange patients: True &#8211;a doctor         friend of mine would put the number &#8220;45&#8243; on the chart to warn the nurses that         the patient wasn&#8217;t playing with a full load of chromosomes.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to Diprovan as mothers milk</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You use the phrase &#8220;Turn and Baste&#8221; and you are nowhere         near a kitchen</span></li>
<li><em><span style="color: #000000;">You know you are a night nurse when:</span></em>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You live for the thrill of always driving in the opposite             direction of rush hour traffic.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can drink a pot of coffee and still go to sleep in the             morning.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You are willing to beg, borrow, or steal not to work the night             daylight savings time goes into effect.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You want to throttle anyone that states: Night shift must be so             boring, all the patients do is sleep.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazapam, and             Compazine</span></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that if warm wine enemas were routinely ordered,         patient complaints would greatly decrease</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You hope there&#8217;s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the         call light.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming         and you realize you haven&#8217;t fallen asleep yet.You think friends help you move.  Real         friends help you move dead bodies. You believe the gene pool could use a little         chlorineYou believe experience is something you don&#8217;t get until just after you need it.You         believe a really good, quality  tape is like the Force, it has a light side and a         dark side and it holds the universe together.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your sole purpose in life is simply to warn others.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You see stress as a normal way of life. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have a tendency to laugh at your patient’s         &#8220;big&#8221; problems. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your sense of humor seems to get more &#8220;warped&#8221; each         year. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place         in town by heart. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You tell cops where to go without fear! </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock. </span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the problem with the gene pool is that there is no         lifeguard.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever thought, &#8216;Patients, God love &#8216;em, because today, I         sure don&#8217;t!&#8217;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that saying, &#8216;It can&#8217;t get any worse&#8217; causes it to get         worse just to show you it can.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You use the acronym FOS (Full of Shit) for constipated patients,         and sometimes the ones that aren&#8217;t!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to your patient with a brain abscess growing E-Coli as         &#8220;Shithead&#8221;. (true)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to a newborn as a F.L.K. and the parents a F.L.P.( funny         looking kid, funny looking parents)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever had a track ridden prego tell you not to ruin her         veins when you try to find one she hasn&#8217;t already used, to start an IV</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have told a patient to &#8220;get some rest now&#8221; and they         die right then and there in front of you and all of their family members.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever wolfed down a sandwich while emptying your         bladder.  ( Tried and true method for desperate ER nurses!)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that no matter how much you care, some people are just         assholes.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You wash your hands <em>before</em> you go to the bathroom</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe PIA (Pain in the ass) is an acceptable admitting         diagnosis from ER. (True story-the ER MD would list PIA as a diagnosis to alert the floor         nurses)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You use CTD for very-soon expectant terminal &#8216;no code&#8217; patients.         (circling the drain).</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever referred to a patient as DIB (Dead In Bed)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found         On Road Drunk)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe old nurses never die, they just go PRN</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You call some of your co-workers &#8216;Flowers in the Field of         Medicine&#8217; because they&#8217;re bloomin&#8217; idiots</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe lunch can be absorbed transdermally by applying it to         an inconspicuous spot of one&#8217;s arm while working.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Everything only happens all at once.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Most everything can seem humorous&#8230;eventually.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know that the North American Wannabe is really an eight-month         pregnant woman that is tired of being pregnant, as in, &#8220;I wannabe in labor.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever referred to a suicide-attempt victim as an FTF         (Failure to Fly)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You  don&#8217;t mention the name of a frequent flyer so as not to         invoke his spirit to bring him/her to the ER and then to your unit</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">When asked, &#8220;What color is the patient&#8217;s diarrhea?&#8221;, you         show them your shoes.<br />
(True story)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin&#8217; to Die) or L.T.B.B         (Lucky To Be Breathing)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have a bumper sticker that says, &#8220;I stop for all auto         accidents.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Every time you walk you make a rattling noise because of all the         scissors and clamps in your pockets.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have more than five pins on your uniform.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You get rear-ended in an auto accident and the accident scene         looks like an ER exploded from your first aid kit in the trunk.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have more T-shirts that say, &#8220;Love a nurse PRN&#8221; than         plain T-shirts.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Half of your wardrobe has bloodstains on it.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Not only does your watch tell the time but it has a pulse timer         that will count in 5, 10, 15, 30 and 60 second intervals and will take your blood         pressure.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever referred to other nurses as &#8220;Band-Aid         Bunnies.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is giving         you than he can.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent         gift for Christmas.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car         payment.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever been telling work stories in a restaurant and had         someone at another table throw-up.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your family stopped talking to you because every time you open         your mouth it sounds like a recital from a medical dictionary.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You write a patient report and have to translate it to medical         records because of all the acronyms in it.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you         became a nurse.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think it is acceptable to use &#8220;penis&#8221; and         &#8220;vagina&#8221; in a normal conversation.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You look in your closet and can&#8217;t find anything non-medical to         wear.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have never missed an episode of RESCUE 911, ER or Chicago         Hope.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve been looking everywhere for old copies of St. Elsewhere.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever wondered whether it would be legal to keep a         defibrillator in the trunk of your car.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever raised your hands to heaven and said, &#8220;These         hands have been touched by God.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Every magazine in your house has the word &#8216;nurse&#8217; or &#8216;RN&#8217; in the         title.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">&#8220;Trawling for Trauma&#8221; is your favorite saying.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever told anyone in pain to &#8220;stop being a baby and         deal with it.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever told a patient to &#8220;stop faking it.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You carry more gloves on you than a proctologist does.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three         of them on you.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can intubate your friends at parties.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You don&#8217;t have enough ego hypertrophy to be a surgeon.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can comfort anxious patients with, &#8220;I know just how you         feel. It&#8217;s my first IV, too.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe any job where you can drive to work in green pajamas         is a cool job.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can park next to rich doctors like cardiologists and         gynecologists.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can cover your mistakes with Versed.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">After spending the night with surgeons, they still won&#8217;t respect         you in the morning.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the single diagnostic criterion in &#8220;Had seizure         in a restaurant&#8221; is &#8220;Had he paid the bill yet? &#8220;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You don&#8217;t eat before driving to work because you want to be an         &#8220;easy intubation&#8221; if you are in an accident.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think Medic-Alert(r) tags make fine presents or should be         issued at birth.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease, and         you quickly calculate if you could be recognized as an off-duty nurse.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You see people in the crowd with stigmata of serious disease but         wish you had bought that CPR pocket mask you&#8217;ve been promising yourself.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">&#8220;Man down&#8221; translates to you as &#8216;Drunk if unwitnessed,         Seizure if witnessed.&#8217;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">The first rule in nursing is &#8216;don&#8217;t hurt yourself.&#8217;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe all bleeding stops&#8230;eventually.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe everybody has to die sometime.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe you can&#8217;t hurt a dead man.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You don&#8217;t get excited about blood loss-unless it&#8217;s your own.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You don&#8217;t hit patients or doctors&#8230;.unless absolutely necessary.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe SEX isn&#8217;t everything, but it&#8217;s a hell-of-a-long-way         ahead of what&#8217;s second.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think the patient will be all right if he is okay.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the pain will go away when it stops hurting.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe all fevers will eventually come back to normal on the         way to room temperature.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe common things are common.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe a strawberry by any other name would be a heart with         acne.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone         wrong, you&#8217;ve obviously don&#8217;t understand the situation.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe if you can keep your head among all this confusion,         you obviously don&#8217;t understand the situation.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than         are uncommon diseases.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause         in the act of dying.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever said, &#8220;WHY am I here?&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe, in medicine, to always remember never to say always         and never.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can&#8217;t see it; it&#8217;s probably not there.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know P.I.D. doesn&#8217;t stand for &#8220;pink in dere.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">If you believe if a patient who has a catheter &#8212;he needs it.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Everyone gets treated exactly the same&#8212;until they piss you off.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">The ER is a mixture of can do, can&#8217;t do, and why the hell not!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You live by the motto; &#8220;To be right is only half the battle;         to convince the patient is more difficult.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know the problem is always better than the X-ray looks.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe in a diagnosis of acute Haldolpenia</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">The most common complaint in the ER on a Saturday night is         W.A.D.A.O. (Weak And Dizzy All Over, you know &#8212; &#8220;Oh, I&#8217;ve felt real bad all day &#8212;         just Weak and&#8230;&#8221;)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can identify the following Syndromes:</span>
<ul>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">W.O.F.T.A.M. (Waste of Fuc*ing Time &amp; Money)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">P.F.O. (Pissed and Fell Over)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">F.I.T.H. (Fuc*ed In The Head)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">T.F.B.U.N.D.Y. (Totally Fuc*ed But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">T.M.B. (Too Many Birthdays)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">F.U.D. (Fear, Uncertainty &amp; Doubt)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">F.U.B.A.R. (Fuc*ed Up Beyond All Recognition)</span></li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">When you get a call telling you the name of your next admit and         you can do the care plan before the patient gets to the floor.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">When called for orders, the MD says, &#8220;Write them yourself;         you know the patient better than I do.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You swear that certain patients should return to Transylvania         because they never show up before sundown and you can never reach them by phone before 4         PM.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have a PD patient who whips out their catheter and announces         unless they get their way they&#8217;ll pee all over you.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the first thing a person does when they enter this         world, and the last thing they do before they leave it, is take a take a really big crap.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know what a 3-H enema is&#8230;High, Hot and Hell of a lot.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to ammonia capsules as a &#8220;seizure-cure.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your friends drag you to a strip bar after work to loosen you up.         The young lady on stage does a nude spread eagle back bend with pelvic thrusts a foot and         a half from your nose. You are not aroused, but you DO think, &#8220;I could catherize         that&#8221;. (True story)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever tried to identify what a patient ate last by         examining the barf on your shoes.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You knock before entering a room, knowing full well the only         patient in there is the one that just died!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have placed your irritating patients/family members on         P.I.T.A. (Pain In The Ass) precautions!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;re at the grocery store, look down and notice you have at         least 2 body fluids on you shoes and it doesn&#8217;t bother you.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to idiot patients as CNS-QNS [central nervous system-         quantity not sufficient].</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">When asked, &#8220;Are you are the nurse on tonight?&#8221; You want         to respond, &#8220;No, I just like dressing up as a Nurse and hanging around because I have         nothing better to do!&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to         call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever referred to an intelligence-impaired individual as a         functional anaerobe</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">When asked to assist with a pelvic, you ask for a rope to help         pull you out, just in case</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever rolled your eyes when the 14 year-old says, &#8220;No, I&#8217;ve         never had sex&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever been in the &#8220;Death Grip&#8221; of gomers</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever told a confused patient your name was that of your co-worker         and to HOLLER if they need help</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever referred to KY jelly as &#8220;Goober Grease&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Ever passed on the green stuff at the buffet because you are         certain you suctioned it from a patient earlier</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know it&#8217;s a full moon without having to look at the sky.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever referred to a patient as &#8220;genetically         exclusive&#8221; or &#8220;genetically challenged.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to         inhale the various human secretions you&#8217;ve encountered over the years.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly         natural.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe in PPP as a diagnosis &#8211; Piss Poor Protoplasm</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You feel like prescribing high-speed lead therapy for a patient or         their family.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Diagnosing the patient or their family with asynapsing neuritis         seems appropriate</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to an admission diagnosis of &#8216;PFO&#8217;. (Pissed and fell         over)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital         stimulation on your patient with the other hand, and it doesn&#8217;t bother you.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form         of birth control.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago&#8217;s water         tank.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your shoes have been seized and quarantined by either the Centers         for Disease Control, OSHA, the EPA or the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of thawing the holiday turkey involves an IV and warmed         saline, and the turkey usually has arms instead of wings and is sauced instead of basted.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe Tylenol, Advil, or Excedrin provides a large part of         your daily calorie intake requirements.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren&#8217;t         sure of the answer.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think that Prom tickets should have coupons good for one free         gastric lavage.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">If the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3.0 suture,         steri-strips or rubber bands.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You avoid unhealthy looking COPDers in the mall for fear that         they&#8217;ll drop near you and you&#8217;ll have to do CPR on your day off.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever pretended to sneeze and at the same time thrown KY         jelly on a co-workers sleeve to make them think they got shot with a hocker.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone&#8217;s vein and said,         &#8220;Now your going to feel a little stick.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever sworn your going to have &#8220;NO CODE&#8221; tattooed         to your chest.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can identify the &#8216;PID Shuffle&#8221; and the &#8220;Kidney Stone         Squirm&#8221; at 15 feet.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation         for 4 hours is an emergency.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever listed a patient&#8217;s chief complaint as &#8220;I&#8217;m         drunk&#8221;.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve         earrings say, &#8220;I&#8217;m afraid of shots.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover         their mouth to cough.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever thought, &#8220;As long as he&#8217;s got a pulse, I don&#8217;t         care about the rhythm&#8221;.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever referred to a body bag as a &#8220;to go&#8221; bag.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think the <span style="text-decoration: underline;">ultimate </span>cruel joke is get someone drunk,         take them to the ER and tell them he ODed on &#8216;some kind of pills&#8221;.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You personal triage categories are: Emergent, Urgent, Non-emergent         and Sleeping it Off.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient         claims to have daily.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You don&#8217;t ask &#8220;frequent flyers&#8217; their history, you know it by         heart.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, &#8220;Just         two beers.&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You tell local drunks tips on where to sleep so you won&#8217;t be         bothered with a return visit.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and         unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have a patient in four-point leathers that asks if you&#8217;re a         nurse, you reply &#8220;Yes&#8221;, and walk away.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You hold on to the bed rails during a defibrillation, just to have         something to do on the night shift.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">A trained physician can&#8217;t recognize the proper anatomy of a female         for a catheter, but you get it on the first try.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that all bleeding stops&#8230;eventually.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You shock someone with an unrecognizable rhythm&#8230;until you get         one you DO recognize.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever eaten your lunch out of an emesis basin, and poured         your drink from a Urimeter container.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe survivability is inversely proportional to societal         worth.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that if you have two tattoos you will never die,         especially if one is a homemade cross or swastika.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You feel that if someone is shot or stabbed, they probably         deserved it.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index),         which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of         missing teeth, multiplied by number of &#8220;tracks&#8221; added to estimated days without         a bath!</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets         cold</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You make up acronyms so non-medical people won&#8217;t know just how         sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, YOYOMF, TSTL&#8230;(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only         Really Knows, Your On Your Own Mother F&#8230;, Too Stupid To Live)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think &#8220;awake and stupid&#8221; is an appropriate choice         for mental status</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You hate working the night of a full moon</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever bet on someone&#8217;s blood alcohol level</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have the bladder capacity of 5 people</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of comforting a child includes placing them in a papoose         restraint</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have encouraged obnoxious patients to sign out AMA</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the &#8216;On-call Nurse&#8217; program is a satanic plot</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word &#8216;quiet&#8217;         is uttered</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your most common assessment question at 2 am is &#8220;Why is this         an emergency now?&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have used the phrase&#8217; health care reform&#8217; to terrify your         co-workers</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the         length of time from symptom onset (You&#8217;ve had pain for 3 weeks&#8230;have a seat, well get to         you in 3 days)</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to vegetable and you don&#8217;t mean the food group</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You know the local detox center number by heart</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe the lab should have a &#8216;dumb shit&#8217; profile on the lab         requisition</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have handled several &#8216;lost condom&#8217; cases</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You firmly believe that &#8216;too stupid to live&#8217; should be a diagnosis</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh         uncontrollably</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe a book entitled &#8216;Suicide: Getting it Right the First         Time&#8217; will be your next project.</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You find humor in other people&#8217;s stupidity</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe chocolate is a food group</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe a good tape job will fix anything</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your         food, even in the nicest restaurants</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You can identify the &#8220;Positive-teeth-to-Tattoo&#8221; Ratio</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You firmly believe that if Dilantin, Haldol and Librium were put         in the water instead of fluoride, Dentists would be busier, but Nursing would grind to a         halt</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You don&#8217;t believe 90% of what you&#8217;re told, and 75% of what you see</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have your weekends off planned a year in advance</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You automatically assume the patient is a drug seeker when they         present with a complaint of migraine, lower back pain or chronic myalgia&#8230;or if they list         numerous allergies (except Demerol), or tell you their family doctor is out of town</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe that &#8220;Shallow gene pool&#8221; should be a         recognized medical diagnosis</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have discovered a new condition called         &#8220;Hypo-Xanax-emia&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You are totally astounded when someone from a nursing home is         understandable</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a dirty name</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You say to yourself, &#8220;Great veins!&#8221; when looking at         complete strangers at the grocery store</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is perfectly appropriate</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever referred to someone&#8217;s death as a &#8220;Celestial         Transfer&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You refer to someone in severe respiratory distress as a         &#8220;Smurf&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of a good time is dueling shock rooms</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free         subscription to &#8220;Guns and Ammo&#8221; magazine</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You&#8217;ve ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say,         &#8220;I don&#8217;t know how that got stuck in there&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever wanted to reply yes when someone calls the ER and         asks &#8220;Is my (husband, wife, mother, etc&#8230;.) there?&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever issued a &#8220;dead head&#8221; alert</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever restrained someone&#8230;and it wasn&#8217;t a sexual         experience</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You believe a &#8220;Supreme Being&#8221; consult is your patient&#8217;s         only hope</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have been exposed to so many x-rays, you now consider it a         from of birth control</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever had a patient say, &#8220;I&#8217;m not pregnant, I can&#8217;t         be pregnant! I can&#8217;t be having a baby!&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your bladder expands roughly to same capacity as a Winnebago&#8217;s         water tank</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone&#8217;s</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to         attack and kill squirrels in the backyard</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have a special shrine in your home to the inventor of Haldol</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">Your idea of a CT prep includes Pavulon and a vent</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the         portable x-ray machine</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You call tell the difference between a Doctor&#8217;s Order and the         ground around a chicken farm</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You call burn victims &#8220;crispy critters&#8221;</span></li>
<li><span style="color: #000000;">You call subcutaneous emphysema Rice Krispies</span></li>
</ul>
<p>Interesting links:</p>
<ul>
<li><a href="http://bsnprogram.com/2010/50-incredibly-weird-facts-about-the-human-body/" target="_blank">50 Incredibly Weird Facts About the Human Body</a></li>
</ul>
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