• you can’t surf without a keyword.
• you expect family friendly chat in every chat room.
• you’re spending almost as much for dial-up service as some people pay for a cable modem service.
• you don’t know how to use the at-sign to address e-mail.
• you think everyone who accesses the internet has AOL.

• You might be a runner if... the pain of not running is greater than the pain of running. you actually read a novel about running... and its sequel. Inspired by: http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name......
• Your band might be a sell-out if... Your band might be a sell-out if..... 1. Music you wrote and recorded is constantly heard on top 40 radio. 2. You see yourself on MTV more than once a week. 3. You have more female fans than male fans. 4. You went to a mall and saw at least......
• You might be a Fear Factor addict if... You might be a fear factor addict if... You say grace like this: In 3...2...1...GO! You can recite Joe's disclaimer at the beginning (the stunts you're about to see...) You've ever cooked with worms you've actually tried to jump from building to building. You're used to the taste of buffalo's......
• You might be a computer geek if... This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists.  I'm starting this one from scratch. you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc... you're a card-carrying member of the EFF when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm......
• You might be a spammer if... You put tracking/randomization numbers in your subject lines: Cash-flow-74002006 Your entire message body is composed of images, without any description text. gmail can't seem to "preview in html" the pdf you attached. Your sender name includes one of the following words: panel, notice, meds, travel, survey Note: I said......
• You might be a caffeine addict if... you think sleep is for the weak.  you've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so "the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend" (Naz) you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable. you have a website......

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July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it’s the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it in case they don’t ever send me another. I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn’t work. I can’t get online.
July 25 That kid next door hooked up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.
July 27 The kid showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone?
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online, not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard?
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTERS MAKER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT’S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, I WANT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT, BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN’T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. JEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. JEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.  WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it?  Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.
August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.  I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

• ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS 1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use  it. 2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into......
• You might be a Canadian if... You might be a Canadian if... You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK". You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, i just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield." You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars. You drink pop, not soda. You know that a mickey and......
• You might be a high school freshman if... You might be a freshman in highschool if... 1. You sign up for every club available. 2. You make a point of dressing like and acting like the social group you wish to infiltrate... 3. ...and habitually walk by their "spot" an average of 12.5694 times each lunch... 4. ...buying......
• You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......
• You might be making your coworkers uncomfortable if... (See also Grumpy Coworker) you ask your black coworkers why their people are always trying to keep the white man down. you openly discuss your menstrual cycle. If someone points out the fact that you're a man, bring them up on sexual harassment charges. you push your desk away from......
• You might be computer illiterate if... A list from 10+ years ago... you slide the mouse pad over when the mouse gets to the edge. there is writing on the white-out on your screen -you can't figure out what a colon followed by a minus sign and a parenthesis means :-) someone asks you how to......

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