YouMightBe.com's humor lists » computer

You might be computer illiterate if…

Thomas — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 19:36:38 +0000

A list from 10+ years ago…

you slide the mouse pad over when the mouse gets to the edge.
there is writing on the white-out on your screen
-you can’t figure out what a colon followed by a minus sign and a parenthesis means
someone asks you how to cut and paste, you say “just use scissors and glue.”
you try to squash your disk to compress files in it.
you scream “Bloody hell! What have i done wrong THIS time, you ***** computer?” every time your computer spits out “error”.
you own your computer only 5 minutes before you crash it. (Lisa)
you try to find a game and can’t, and you hit the monitor and scream, “Why won’t you work?!?” (Lisa)
when the screen saver comes on you’re almost positive that your computer really did crash this time.
if there is white out on your computer screen. (Visitor submission)
if you don’t use Windows because you religiously don’t believe in icons. (Dave Tibbs)
you wonder who General Protection Fault is and what the hell the army wants from you.
the only reason you hang out with that *geek* next door is because he will fix your computer for free (Amy R.).
you think your mouse is a foot pedal (Jason)
you own a Macintosh (Visitor Submission: Doc Holiday) (please don’t flame me on this one.)
you think the computer from which virus came actually created the virus (it’s all a conspiracy).
you think modem usage will show up on your phone bill.
you think the “escape” key will beam you out of the building in case of fire.
you don’t know where the “any” key is.
you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell Windows 95 what to do.
you try to use the microphone on your PC to tell DOS what to do.
you use AOL disks as coasters. (Also a sign that you’re a computer geek.)
you’ve used the CD-ROM tray as a cup holder.
you think Dilbert creates artificially high standards for managers.
you think laser printers receive print commands by laser beam.
you’ve ever tried to play a CD-ROM in a stereo.
you’ve ever tried to talk to a modem on the other end of the line.
you went shopping for Microsoft Bob for Dummies…
…and you really needed it.
you think Microsoft Windows is a rip-off, because it never does what you want it to. (Geeks have this problem too.)
Someone gives you a 5-1/4″ Floppy and you fold it to fit in your 3-1/2″ Drive and wonder why the drive doesn’t work. (Michael M.)
You immediately move to Mexico or Canada because you got an “Illegal Operation” error on your computer screen. (Jay)

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You might be a computer geek if…

Thomas — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 15:58:40 +0000

This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists. I’m starting this one from scratch.

you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc…
you’re a card-carrying member of the EFF
when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm Graffiti characters. (Scott K. McGrath)
you think (x<<6)+(x<<4) is a perfectly natural way to multiply by 80. ( ck )
you’ve gutted and rebuilt your computer 5 times since you last changed the oil in your car. ( ck )
you know what a router is, and you know what a bit is, but you’ve never heard of a router bit. ( ck )
you know the square root of 65536 is 256 without having to do the math. ( ck )
you consider 65536 and 256 “nice round numbers”. ( ck )
…and you *always* put the period outside the quotes, since you’re not quoting the end of the sentence…what the hell do english majors know, anyway. ( ck )
you see a good-looking girl and you DESPERATELY want her e-mail address so you can get to know her.
you wake up and realize that your sleep pattern has been following an algorithm.
your computer chair has the permanent and stiff indentation of your butt in it. (Samuel L Jacobson)
the only tan you’ve ever acquired comes from your monitor. (Samuel L Jacobson)
you have assembled your own Linux distribution, and re-wrote some of the more inefficient code, just for fun. ( Hmmm… it’s a thought… )
every time someone says “I like iMacs” you get mad and shout out “So you only go for the looks, do you? Superficial guy! The inner qualities are what’s important, not the looks! Beauty is only skin-deep!”
when asked if you have more than one hard drive, you answer “In which computer?” (melvan)
you postpone your moving date so your computers can set new uptime records. (melvan)
given the choice between a T3 and a date with a good looking guy/girl, you’d take the T3. (melvan)
you’ve ever been successful at catching a spammer.
you call sex with your cute girlfriend “CuteFTP.”
you spend more time changing settings in Windows 98 than using it.
you dream of high-end computers instead of beautiful girls.
you get angry when someone says they own a Pentium IV processor. ( Andy )
your friends have a club with the word .com in it. ( Andy )
you almost get in a fight when a small child says there is no internet. ( Andy )
you think everyone should have an opinion about Bill Gates.
you refer to having sex as setting up a LAN!
you refer to going to the toilet as “extracting to the temp folder” and flushing the toilet as “deleting the temp folder”.
you refer to eating and drinking as uploading!
you understand and find www.ircnews.com funny.
you’ve ever passed notes at school in binary.
you regard the “User Friendly” virus as a good thing.
you’ve had an article appear at segfault.org.
you’ve figured out how to crash Windows NT on a 128MB system, using only Internet Explorer and Notepad.
you snicker whenever someone asks how much memory is needed for Windows NT to run smoothly.
you go into a computer store and takeover a discussion for a salesman on the specs and merits of a computer while he site there nodding as you make the sale.
you’ve ever written a useless program just for the “fun” of it.
…or you prefer writing useless programs.
a 23 GB HD, color laser, four 128MB DIMMs, and a 21″ monitor would beat out Sarah Michelle Gellar, Cameron Diaz, Heather Graham, and Cindy Crawford.
you can actually read the error message details when a Windows program has a problem.
you spend more time chatting on-line in one day than you do in a week’s worth of actual conversation with people face-to-face.
there are two magazines in front of you, the newest issue of PC Magazine and the other a porno. And you choose the PC mag over the porno.
you refer to using the bathroom as downloading.
the number of computers in your house exceeds the number of relationships you’ve had in your lifetime.
if you HAS A job or you IS A human being. (this one might be above the heads of a few computer geeks, too.)
…and you didn’t correct the grammar of that last item.
if (DEC 25 = OCT 31) means true to you.
your computer costs more and runs better than your car
your watch is set to GMT. Always. (After all, it’s the only time that makes logical sense.)
in real life, you tell people to go to http://www.hell.com/ (Mel)
when you’re reading a magazine and you see an underlined passage, you feel compelled to click on it. (Dave Tibbs)
you have the Linux Penguin sitting on your monitor
… and you know the penguin’s name.
everytime you go to write a note, you put your hands on your desk, as if looking for a keyboard to type it on. (Miko)
you’ve ever debated the merits of the FVWM95 window manager…
…with yourself.
you’re grossly offended that anyone would want to make their Linux box work anything like Windows 95.
you wake up wondering which directory you’re in. (Jason J.).
you set up your old computer next to your new one 2 months ago so that you could transfer files and you’ve been using them “both” since. (Visitor submission, Keith S.)
you have more computers now than you’ve had relationships in your lifetime.
your wallpaper is made up of Linux code. (visitor submission)
your favorite pasttime is IRC on Saturday nights. (visitor submission)
your computer is set for Dvorak… but your keyboard is actually a qwerty.
…you know what Dvorak and Qwerty refer to.
you have a PC for every person in the house, and still think you need one more. What if one goes down!? (Laura Goodwin)
you salivate when you hear the word, “upgrade” (Laura Goodwin)
instead of laughing you say “El-Oh-El!” (Laura Goodwin)
you have actually heard someone do this in real life.
…and you actually understood what it meant.
you dream in code. (Laura Goodwin)
you not only know what Be OS is, you have an opinion about it. (Laura Goodwin)
you want to be the first one on your block to be wet-wired. (Laura Goodwin)
you dual boot because you want to be able to play some of them there cool new games. (Laura Goodwin)
you bought a super socket-7 motherboard, not because you really needed it, but because you got it for only 40.00 via an online auction. Now you have a reason to build that extra computer you don’t really need. (Laura Goodwin)
to you, the word “scuzzy” is sexy. (Laura Goodwin)
your girlfriend kisses you on the neck and you think “uh oh, priority interupt!”. (Dave Tibbs)
you and the campus Unix Sysadmin have a geek contest.
…and you win.
you check your e-mail before you brush your teeth in the morning. (Abdel).
you believe Unix/Linux is the most superior operating system out there (Abdel).
you e-mail yourself notes rather than writing them…
…and you can justify the advantages of doing so.
…or you actually reply to the note.
you can program in more languages than you can speak. (From: Dan Good)
you refer to your computer as a friend.
you can talk to your computer without being sarcastic or raising your voice.
you talk to your computer the way most people talk to their significant other.
you use old CD-ROMs as coasters…
…and you’ve collected a matching set for every room in your house.
with the exception of the blood-sucking part, you have the same basic characteristics as a vampire.