YouMightBe.com’s humor lists

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other–
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

• your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
• you refer to your child as Deduction 214 3.
• you deduct Exlax as “Moving expenses”
• at the movie Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
• you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline “==========”
• you had no idea that GAP was also a clothing store
• you consider it normal not to see your spouse or children from February to April 15th. (Laura Cole)
• you’ve ever made a joke about a double-entry bookkeeping method. (Alicat )
• you know what the acronym MACRS stands for. (Alicat)
• you have a petty cash box at home and actually refer to it as such (Amy R.).

• you eat the M&Ms in color order.
• you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper.
• From Miranda:
  • you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size.
  • you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and use.
  • and they’re all facing the front.
  • all you books, CDs, and movies have to be alphabetical order.
• you require no less than 200 threads per inch on your sheets. (Peggy)
• …and they are tucked so tightly that you really could bounce a quarter on them.
• you alphabetize your spices. ( Bert )
• you actually bother trying to convince someone that the 3rd millenium hasn’t begun yet (or that it *has* begun).
• you organize your closet by color, season, and fabric. ( Jennifer )
• you flame every person who sent you email because the emails weren’t spelled correctly or gramatically correct.
• you remove the tires to wash inside the wheel-wells of your vehicle. (Pat)
• you collect the little postcards in magazine issues…
• …for recycling.
• every e-mail reply that you send has been through a grammar checker…
• …and you correct the original message.
• you’re on a “calorie-counting” diet and you count the calories in the hot sauce on your “Big Beef Burrito Supreme”

You can’t sleep unless your dog is sleeping with you.

• You get your best sleep when all 5 dogs are with you.
• You know each dog’s voice and pitter-patter footsteps.
• And of course you kow what the different barks mean–you can speak dog.