(See also Grumpy Coworker)

• you ask your black coworkers why their people are always trying to keep the white man down.
• you openly discuss your menstrual cycle. If someone points out the fact that you’re a man, bring them up on sexual harassment charges.
• you push your desk away from any direct sunlight because “it burns so bad.”
• you wear all black and sacrifice small animals to the paper shredder gods.
• you when in a crowded bathroom, stare directly at the person using the next urinal. If he turns to look at you, brand him a homosexual and threaten to tell his children.
• you wear a rain bonnet because you’ve never trusted the filthy bastards that design fire sprinklers.
• you walk up to peoples’ desks, look at pictures of their children and ask them who the hell they think they are, procreating.
• you answer the phone, “I am the angel of the death. The hour of reckoning is upon us. How may I help you?”
• you fall asleep at your desk. Wake up screaming, “GOOSE, I CAN’T REACH THE EJECTION HANDLE!!! EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!!!”
• you demand special treatment because you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of years of measuring fish while serving in the coast guard.
• you enter the company day care center, look at the children and announce, “One of your parent’s was just killed in a horrible accident.” Turn around and leave.
• turn your cubicle into a fort. Install a secret entrance and post a “Girls Have Cooties” sign.
• ask a coworker if you can borrow their left shoe.
• start a nasty rumor about your boss having an affair with the janitor just to see how much the story changes by the time it gets back to you.
• during meetings, flatulate loudly, fan it toward your coworkers and ask them to guess what you had for breakfast.
• you set up Star Wars action figures around your desk and sit around making Darth Vader breathing noises… Occasionally, you mumble something about crushing the rebellion and take out a group of action figures with a toy light saber.

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• everytime you want to change the subject you say “and now for something completely different”
• you named your website Weasels and Spit
• when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you’ve been doing you’ve ever replied “I just spent four hours buryin’ the cat” (and enjoyed the strange look you got)
• you have ever responded to someone asking where something is by saying “Is it behind the rabbit?”
• your birthday/Christmas wish list has “a holy hand granade” as your number one wish.
• all of your comebacks/insults are in an “outrageous accent.”
• somebody wishes to move past you (vehicle, etc.) you quote the bridge scene.
• when someone asks your name you say “(in a thundering voice) Some people call me. . . (quieter) [your name here].
• if you find yourself saying “NI” to people that you don’t like
• you have a perfect cockney accent… and you’ve never been to England
• you find yourself saying “tis only a scratch” when you are bleeding to death and laughing about it through the pain
• you have all the CD’s with songs on them, and people catch you singing them to yourself.
• you watched “As Good As It Gets” and snickered when Jack Nicholson played “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” not because of the irony of it all, but because you remember the song from “Life of Brian.”

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• You might be a teacher if... you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way they are," after meeting the parents. you've ever said "Put that gum on your nose!" ...outside of the classroom. you can't have children because there is no name you can think......
• 66+ signs you've been in the [marching] band too long Started by: Lori Dyer When you hear music and you start marking time. When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song. When all your friends are in the band. When you don't mind changing clothes on......
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• you don’t see a problem with spaghetti [with sauce], white rice, and fried chicken on the same plate.
• you take brownies to non-Filipino potluck dinners.
• you have a cartful of corned beef during a sale.
• you say kutex instead of nail polish.
• you are stumped when asked what kind of bread in a deli.
• you’re the plane passenger with the largest hand-carry luggage.
• you scratch your head when you don’t know what you’re doing.
• you don’t want to eat the last piece of food on the plate, but offer it to others.
• you say “she” when you should say “he”
• you say “ano” this and “ano” that
• you put your hands together and point them in the direction you are walking to pass between other people
• you say that everybody is your cousin/niece/nephew/aunt/uncle/…
• you have a big Buddha at home for good luck( not the serene Buddha like what the Thais have, but the big, fat, laughing one with those pesky little kids crawling all over him).
• you bring a “baon” to work everyday.
• your ice cold beer really has ice cubes in it.
• you eat balut and wash it down with beer to bulk up.
• you have a parol hanging outside your house during the Christmas holidays.
• you say things sorta backwards like towelpaper instead of papertowel and stick bread instead of breadsticks.
• you say guper instead of gopher.
• you eat rice for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
• you say “aray” instead of “ouch “.
• you look up and say “ha!” when somebody says “what’s up”.
• you write “Filipino” but pronounce it as “Pilipino”.
• you can sustain jokes like this one indefinitely.
• you often say ‘Bulaga!’ when you want to scare someone.
• you fire your gun like crazy on new year’s eve
• you drive a jeep with your family name written on the back.
• you preceed anything pluralized with “mga.”
• you put a little bowl of patis on the table for dipping, and your guests complain “who farted.”
• you cover your living room furniture with bed sheets.
• you have toyo circles on your table cloths.
• you wash and reuse disposable styrofoam cups, forks and spoons and of course, aluminum wrapper (Reynolds wrap) or cover paper plates with waxed paper so you can reuse it.
• you cover your carpet floors with plastic liners.

Also:

• your house smells like mothballs [I think we switched to cedar, but still, the mothball smell remains.]

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Started by: Lori Dyer

1. When you hear music and you start marking time.
2. When you walk behind someone and you’re in step with them.
3. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song.
4. When all your friends are in the band.
5. When you don’t mind changing clothes on the bus.
6. When you point out key changes and dynamics while listening to the radio.
7. When every guy/girl you’re interested in is in the band.
8. When you like wearing your uniform.
9. When people ask you about your social life and you say, “Oh, you mean my flute/trumpet/drum/etc.?”
10. When you consider your drill book a fashion accessory.
11. When someone hits a wrong note and you chew them out for an hour.
12. When you practice your instrument more than you talk to your dog.
13. When being mauled by a drum is a normal part of life.
14. When people worry when they see you without you instrument.
15. When “armed guard,” means a girl with a pole instead of a guy with a gun.
16. When band camp is FUN.
17. When you answer to “Band Nerd.”
18. When someone says the words “atten hut” and you automatically put your head up.
19. When you remember flats and sharps more easily than your name.
20. When you dress the lunch line, and urge others to do the same.
21. When your mouth is frozen to your mouth piece, and it feels normal.
22. When left slides or right back slides feel normal.
23. When your instrument has a name.
24. When you remember your instrument’s birthday and forget your mom’s.
25. When making a line is you biggest accomplishment of the day.
26. When back marching no longer reminds you of ballet.
27. When you give your instrument a birthday party.
28. When you can make white shoes look black.
29. When your uniform fits.
30. When black feathers become a fashion “do”.
31. When you see your section more than you see your family.
32. When everyone wants to kill the other football team…and you want to kill the other band.
33. When you have dreams about early morning marching band.
34. When you think morning practices should start a half-hour earlier.
35. When you accidentally call your band director “Dad”.
36. When you CAN sight-read.
37. When you can put on you uniform in less than 10 minutes.
38. When reeds taste good.
39. When you have a band song stuck in your head, and you tap your foot to the beat.
40. When you think your plume is alive.
41. When marking time is your favorite form of exercise.
42. When you have a neck strap/harness tan line.
43. When you subconsciously start practicing with a pencil.
44. When numbers past 8 aren’t important.
45. When you’re more opinionated about the Madison vs. American Fork Bands than the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
46. When you roll-step through the cafeteria so you don’t spill your lunch.
47. When you’d rather practice than read this list.
48. When letters past G aren’t important.
49. When the only class you look forward to is band.
50. When you actually like marching band and would kill to do it all year long.
51. When you wonder what life would be like if you weren’t in band.
52. When you roll step while you walk to class.
53. When you major in music.
54. When you use your high school band director as a role model.
55. When those stupid “band humor” jokes are the funniest things you’ve ever heard.
56. When you pick the instruments from the music in cartoons.
57. When you start screaming “LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!” to the people that walk in front of you on the way to class.
58. When you’ve dated everyone in the band and now wonder if you’re ever going to have another date.
59. When you think the trumpeters have a right to be egotistical.
60. When you don’t think the flutist have a slight attitude problem.
61. When you change your instrument to the tuba.
62. When you have perfect pitch.
63. When the band director is always right.
64. When you marry that special someone in your section.
65. When you have kids and force them to be in music.
66. When you get the jokes on this list.
67. when you aren’t sure which is more dangerous a girl with a flag or a guy with a gun!

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• You might be a classic rock fan if... You might be a classic rock fan if... 1. You can identify every guitar you see by make and model. 2. You have season passes to the rock and roll hall of fame. 3. You've restored and STILL run your black 1970 Challenger with flames on the side,complete with 8-Track......
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