YouMightBe.com’s humor lists

One of my favorites from long ago.

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it’s the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it in case they don’t ever send me another. I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn’t work. I can’t get online.
July 25 That kid next door hooked up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.
July 27 The kid showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone?
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online, not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard?
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTERS MAKER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT’S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, I WANT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT, BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN’T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. JEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. JEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.  WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it?  Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.  I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

Submitted from http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/4563/toomuchanime.htm

• you can speak intelligently in Japanese about spirits, demons, war, death, tournaments, magic, and profoundly soppy love affairs, but the prospect of buying a movie ticket leaves you tongue-tied.
• “hai,” “baka,” and “hentai” come to your lips so easily that sometimes you have difficulty remembering what the English words are.
• none of your friends study Japanese, but thanks to you, they all have 50-word vocabularies.
• and if they used them in front of their moms, they’d get their mouths washed out with soap.
• you go native, to the point of buying Japanese rice in 20-pound bags and clearing all of the furniture out of your living room so you can sit on the floor.
• it’s 3 am, and you and your best friend are on the brink of a fistfight over whether Ranma-chan or Ranma-kun is cuter.
• you have a Ranma outfit.
• and so does your significant other.
• you’re keeping an eye on your little sister for signs of slacking off during school, making eyes at the school’s only bishonen, and disappearing suspiciously often for “slumber parties,” because if she becomes a magic girl, you want in on the action.
• your friends stage an intervention.
• but only because they want your tapes.
• some poor ex-mugger still hears the words “LEKKA SHINEN!” in his nightmares.
• you never bothered getting your new apartment hooked up to cable, and even Babylon 5 is a take-it-or-leave-it thing but anyone who gets in the way of your mission to get the next Slayers volume is dead.
• only, if you’d written the last sentence, you would have worded it, “Anyone who gets in my way is Nakago.'’
• you’ve contemplated growing your hair long so that you can put it up in dumplings.
• and you’re a guy.
• you feel like less of a woman because you can’t put away 5,000 calories in one sitting.
• you’re despondent because your chances to become an anime heroine are completely shot–you can cook.
• you refer to 21 as “over the hill,” and get more depressed the closer that day comes; you’re not ready to join the forces of evil, dammit!
• it’s not a bad hair day, it’s a Zelgadis hair day.
• your parents draw you aside and ask you whether you’re a Satanist, since all of those symbols you practice drawing in your notebooks look awfully suspicious to them.
• your kids think that cartoons are supposed to have writing at the bottom.

• you’ve tried to outdo Yakko’s singing of the dictionary by singing the Encylopedia. (Lynxan)
• you’ve suspected that your successful friend might be a chicken. (Lynxan)
• you yell “potty emergency” every time you need to go. ( Deena )
• you can sing the words to Wakko’s “America”…
• …or Yahoo’s “World”…
• when telling your friends something, you always start with “Are you pondering what I’m pondering?”
• whenever in the hospital, you have the urge to say, “Helllooooooo Nurse!”

- You got tired of reading the “You’re still reading this list” comments, because of course you are.

- You’ve felt insulted when someone called you a “n00b”

- Even though you just bought the game

- Even though you had never played BEFORE you bought the game

- You went back to tally up EXACTLY how many of the things on this list apply to you

- and it was more than 100

- more than 250

- more than 500

- more than 850

- You think of this number as a badge of honor

- You’re favorite character alignment and type is a Lawful Evil Blackguard, and you can maintain that alignment indefinitely

- You have active subscriptions to more than 10 online games

- You have more than 1 account for at least half of those games

- You don’t think of others as true “gamers” unless they play more than 5 different games

- You buy games that you know you won’t like just so no one can say “Just try it, you may like it”

- You have everything you need to play over 15 different games sitting in labeled containers in the closet, just in case someone comes over and wants to play

- It’s not in the closet, but on a bookshelf in the living room

- You have legally changed your name to your character’s name, and then changed it back because of the hassle all the “Real World” PC’s gave you for changing it

- When someone says “MUD”, you don’t think about wet dirt

- You know what a MUD is

- You play a MUD

- You play more than one MUD

- You’re an admin for a MUD

- The game room in the house you and your gamer spouse designed is the biggest room.

- This is separate from the computer gaming room.

- Your gamer friends don’t think it’s big enough.

- You include room into your design for the friends who need to crash after a long night of gaming.

- They actually have a bed to sleep on.

- Your gaming library has enough copies of each book for every player to use… and a spare just in case.

- You refer to the ATM as the money alter.

- You pray to the green-light god so you can get to games on time.

- you have tried to test your players dedication to the game by scattering every D4 in the house on the front yard. - said players actully break out thier d20s to roll reflex and balance as they make thier way through the field of d4.