YouMightBe.com's humor lists

You might be a bachelor if…

twilliampowell — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:29:42 +0000

* you eat frozen pizza without microwaving it. ( you can cook those things? )
* you use a stapler to adjust the length of your trousers. ( Bert van Viegen, viegen )
* you get your furniture out of the clean up pile and then brag about how it didn’t cost you a thing. (Karen, KarenW )
* you sniff your underwear to see if you can get by just one more day without doing the wash. ( Lisa, demick )
* you actually use the following link: How to Get a date
* your refrigerator is packed full of tupperware dishes filled with molded smelly food because you just don’t want to wash them. ( Lisa, demick )
* you’ve bought the Ziploc disposable plasticware so that you won’t have to wash containers with molded food.
* you open a food container in the frige to see what it is but can’t, and then you smell it and it knocks you unconscious. ( Lisa, demick )
* the only thing that snuggles next to you in bed is your dog and/or cat. (Lisa)
* you actually have money in your savings account. (Lisa)
* you bought clean guest towels 3 years ago and they are still hanging up, unused. (Lisa)

* you haven’t cooked in so long you’ve forgotten where things are in your kitchen and what buttons to use on the stove.
* you own a home, but behave like an apartment dweller ( pazmenot )
* you’ve often wondered how many empty pizza boxes constitutes a collection. ( sdali )
* the only kitchen appliance you know how to use is the microwave. ( Jorge D. )
* you have a disproportionate number of plastic utensils and paper plates vs. real silverware and plates.
* you haven’t eaten a meal at home that wasn’t in a disposable container.
* you don’t know how to take out the trash. (tman399 )

* you have to look to see how clean your apartment is and not how full your calendar is to decide when to go out on a date. (Barbie, ValleGrly )
* you smell your clothes to see if you can wear them (again). (Barbie)
* you can clean engine parts in the bathtub without someone yelling at you.
* you buy a really big trashcan for the kitchen so you don’t have to take it out as often.
* you amuse yourself by lobbing beercans so that they bounce off the wall before hitting aforementioned trash can.
* it takes you ten minutes every six months to buy new clothes (Let’s see, I’m out of jeans, white T-shirts, black T-shirts, and socks..)
* you don’t feel compelled to wear underwear unless you have a date that night.
* you car gets waxed more often than the toilet gets cleaned. (People clean toilets?)
* you belch and fart in public without apologizing. (Bert van Viegen, viegen )
* you turn your socks and underwear inside out so you can wear them twice as long. (Laura Goodwin, LaLaura )
* you have the pizza place on speed dial. (Matt Duxbury, autobahn )
* instead of cleaning for guests, you just keep the lights low. (Matt D.)
* paper towels double as dishes. (Matt D.)
* BEER is the freshest item in the fridge. (Matt D.)
* …beer is the ONLY item in the fridge.
* you never listen to your messages when a female is around (Matt D.)
* your entire house is trashed except for you entertainment center, which you lovingly polish every day (Amy R.).
* If cooking anything longer than five minutes is a waste of time (Marc L., glumarc )
* The last time you cleaned the house was when you moved in (Marc L.)
* A dress shirt is “fine” if it only has one or two wrinkles in it (Marc L.)
* You think you left your tie on the nightstand…or was it the closet? (Marc L.)
* You don’t feel guilty about leaving the lid up (Marc L.)

You might be in the army if…

twilliampowell — Mon, 07 Apr 2008 20:23:32 +0000

* hoah! is your answer to every question in life. (jlewis)
* you make your kids pull fireguard and cq.
* your family’s favorite hair style is a high and tight.
* you wont let your wife go to the px because the laundry room failed inspection.
* you have a perimeter set up around your house that even rambo wouldn’t want to full with.
* your kids weekend pass status is determined by their pt scores.
* you see no problem with wearing BDU’s to church.
* “lights out” is at 2100 hrs every night.
* you make your kids fill out a sick call slip when they stay home from school.
* smoking has two meanings for you.
* your kids can do the 15 count inspection arms in their sleep.
* From JumpinKerkie:
o you place sector stakes on the front porch.
o when camping, your family must dig a defelade for your RV.
o your kids must clear housing when they leave for college.
o your baby’s first words are “All ok, Jumpmaster!”
o your kids must perform ten pull-ups before entering the dining room.
o your wife’s favorite lipstick colors are loam and light green.
o your car is held together by 550 cord.
o you refer to your son as Boy, Steven Type, 1 Each.
o all of your kids sentences contain at least 7 F words.
* From Ray:
o when “dig in and do the work” really means DIG.
o when “We are in this togather” means you go first.
o when “We will Win easily” means you go first.
o when “understrenth enemy” means you go first.
o when “Victory is near” means you go first.
o when “Rations have arrived” you go last.
* From Kyle:
o you think it is perfectly normal to jump out of an airplane at 800 ft. at 2 in the morning
o you say to your wife “what’s for chow” or “honey that was real good chow”
o any kids in your neighborhood wear a beret when they go out to play
o edge the sidewalk in front of your house with an E-Tool
o your nicest set of clothes is your “Class A’s”
o you cut the grass in a set of jungle boots, Army PT shirt, and cut off BDUs.
o you dread someone saying “I’m from the IG and I’m help.”
* From Miranda:
o everytime you hang up the phone you say “Out” instead of “Bye.”
o you have more sets of BDUs than civilian clothes.
o you annoy your family with your favorite cadences.
o your dog’s name is Ranger.
o you look forward to getting your clothing allowance each year so you can actually shop a little.
o you own more pairs of combat boots than all of your shoes combined.
o you spend your spare time polishing your boots.
o you go bowling with your buddies and as each person goes you yell, “Fire in the hole!!”
o you view going to the field as a camping vacation from work.
o your family eats MREs.
o your family thinks nothing’s wrong when you’ve been gone for at least a month.
o you think waking up at 7am in sleeping in.
o your family’s best friends are in the Army too.
o you can’t tell your parents what you do for a living because it’s classified.
o you jump for joy when you have a few extra bucks after paying the bills so you can get groceries.
o you tell little kids playing hide-and-seek that it would work better in BDUs.
o your stomach can’t handle “real food” anymore, only MREs and T-Rats.
o you can’t understand the fascination people have with being able to drive HUM-Vs around and playing with guns.

The many ends of the internet

twilliampowell — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 20:40:42 +0000

You might be a catlover if

loona — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 06:30:19 +0000

you save giant empty boxes in your tiny apartment because your cat enjoys them so much.