YouMightBe.com’s humor lists

Posted to: alt.folklore.computers
From: David Zykin
Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am

MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

Windows:  You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Macintosh System 7:  You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives
you to church.

UNIX:  You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching speeds of 200
miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

Windows NT:  You get in the car and write a letter that says “go to the
store”. Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Taligent/Pink:  You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2:  After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.

S/36 SSP (mainframe, obv.):  You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas.  While walking the rest of the way, you are
run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400:  An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignon.

Additional postings:

Amiga Workbench: You buy the car with wheels, engine and seat, add
dashboard, windshield, tires and trim (that almost matches).  Then you
speed easily toward downtown while combing your hair… except that an
unseen mosquito dive bombs you leaving the car in pieces again.

AIX: you think you can drive it because it _looks_ like the car
you learned on, but none of the controls work right.

SunOS: runs great, but sometimes you wish you’d paid extra and
got the windshield/brakes option package.

Solaris: after three weeks, you go back to the dealer and
demand your trade-in back.

Linux: you install a new stereo and the engine starts knocking. Fortunately,
you’ve rebuilt it 54560 times already so it’s no problem.

HP/UX:  As you proceed to the store at breakneck speed, you marvel at
how solid and smooth things are despite how hard you beat on your car.
On the way home you have a small problem with the glove compartment lock,
but HP won’t help you with it because when you got new tires last month
they weren’t HP brand so now your entire car is “unsupported”.

AIX: You get in the car and start driving around. After six months
of getting used to the funny controls, you find that there’s no way to
work the cigarette lighter. You call the manufacturer, and they send you
part number 2233ab-55dqz-1854@zbf{]^Z..11, which gets attached to the
air filter. Now the cigarette lighter works, sort of (it glows, but
doesn’t get hot enough to actually *light* a cigarette.), but the stereo
is broken. They send you part number 77nnbds7450-ll;94bbx])..99Q, which
you affix to the lower right tie rod. It fixes the stereo, but the lighter
still doesn’t work.

After two years of applying fixes to the suspension, the exhaust, the power
seats, the windows, the rear defogger, the fuel pump, the radiator, and the
fuel injectors, you *still* don’t have a working lighter.

Then the manufacturer tells you that they no longer support your outdated
gasoline powered car, but that if you would care to buy one of the new,
improved, methane powered vehicles, all your problems will be solved.

GEOS:  You get on your motor-scooter and drive to the store quickly and
smoothly, enjoying the scenery and getting great gas mileage.  When
you stop at the auto parts store on the way home for a spare tire,
they look at you as if they don’t know what you mean.

Fully Expanded Mac System 7:  (that is, with everything from Greg’s
Buttons to StuffIt MagicMenu)  You get in the car, wait half an hour for
it to load all the modifications to the brakes, the transmission, the
dashboard — and can’t get to the store, because your gearshift isn’t
compatible with your tailpipe anymore.

Mac System 7.5:  You drag the “me” icon to the “store” icon, and the car
drives you to church … IF the Church GX extension is installed in your
Chooser!

[One of the main features of System 7.5 is “drag-and-drop” printing
through QuickDraw GX.  This lets you drag a region of text to a “desktop
printer” icon.]

Mac System 8 / MacOS:  You get in the car and it drives you to the store,
to church, to your ex-girlfriend’s place in Vermont, to Radio Shack, and
to hell — simultaneously, in Millions of Colors.  And your car will run
on anything from a dirt road to a superhighway.

Cow capitalism

Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity  swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all  four cows back,  with a tax exemption for five cows. The
milk   rights  of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with  an option on one
more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.

International variations:
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for
lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again
and  learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have
12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high
bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute…