Posted to: alt.folklore.computers
From: David Zykin
Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am

MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.

Windows:  You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Macintosh System 7:  You get in the car to go to the store and the car drives
you to church.

UNIX:  You get in the car and type GREP STORE.  After reaching speeds of 200
miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.

Windows NT:  You get in the car and write a letter that says “go to the
store”. Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.

Taligent/Pink:  You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.

OS/2:  After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.

S/36 SSP (mainframe, obv.):  You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas.  While walking the rest of the way, you are
run over by kids on mopeds.

AS/400:  An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignon.

Additional postings:

Amiga Workbench: You buy the car with wheels, engine and seat, add
dashboard, windshield, tires and trim (that almost matches).  Then you
speed easily toward downtown while combing your hair… except that an
unseen mosquito dive bombs you leaving the car in pieces again.

AIX: you think you can drive it because it _looks_ like the car
you learned on, but none of the controls work right.

SunOS: runs great, but sometimes you wish you’d paid extra and
got the windshield/brakes option package.

Solaris: after three weeks, you go back to the dealer and
demand your trade-in back.

Linux: you install a new stereo and the engine starts knocking. Fortunately,
you’ve rebuilt it 54560 times already so it’s no problem.

HP/UX:  As you proceed to the store at breakneck speed, you marvel at
how solid and smooth things are despite how hard you beat on your car.
On the way home you have a small problem with the glove compartment lock,
but HP won’t help you with it because when you got new tires last month
they weren’t HP brand so now your entire car is “unsupported”.

AIX: You get in the car and start driving around. After six months
of getting used to the funny controls, you find that there’s no way to
work the cigarette lighter. You call the manufacturer, and they send you
part number 2233ab-55dqz-1854@zbf{]^Z..11, which gets attached to the
air filter. Now the cigarette lighter works, sort of (it glows, but
doesn’t get hot enough to actually *light* a cigarette.), but the stereo
is broken. They send you part number 77nnbds7450-ll;94bbx])..99Q, which
you affix to the lower right tie rod. It fixes the stereo, but the lighter
still doesn’t work.

After two years of applying fixes to the suspension, the exhaust, the power
seats, the windows, the rear defogger, the fuel pump, the radiator, and the
fuel injectors, you *still* don’t have a working lighter.

Then the manufacturer tells you that they no longer support your outdated
gasoline powered car, but that if you would care to buy one of the new,
improved, methane powered vehicles, all your problems will be solved.

GEOS:  You get on your motor-scooter and drive to the store quickly and
smoothly, enjoying the scenery and getting great gas mileage.  When
you stop at the auto parts store on the way home for a spare tire,
they look at you as if they don’t know what you mean.

Fully Expanded Mac System 7:  (that is, with everything from Greg’s
Buttons to StuffIt MagicMenu)  You get in the car, wait half an hour for
it to load all the modifications to the brakes, the transmission, the
dashboard — and can’t get to the store, because your gearshift isn’t
compatible with your tailpipe anymore.

Mac System 7.5:  You drag the “me” icon to the “store” icon, and the car
drives you to church … IF the Church GX extension is installed in your
Chooser!

[One of the main features of System 7.5 is "drag-and-drop" printing
through QuickDraw GX.  This lets you drag a region of text to a "desktop
printer" icon.]

Mac System 8 / MacOS:  You get in the car and it drives you to the store,
to church, to your ex-girlfriend’s place in Vermont, to Radio Shack, and
to hell — simultaneously, in Millions of Colors.  And your car will run
on anything from a dirt road to a superhighway.

• You might be from Chicago if... You Might Be From Chicago If... 1. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C (or vice versa) in the same day. 2. You get extremely irritated when you hear people from other states pronounce the "S" at the end of "Illinois." 3. Grocery stores have bags, not sacks.......
• Murphy's Laws for EMS The First Law of EMS: All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time. Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat. Corollary 2: Always order food "to go". The Law of Time: 1. There is absolutely no relationship between......
• You might be a runner if... http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper. ...you have chafing in strange places. ...people say, "You run three miles...at once?" ...all your socks are either stained or torn. ...your......
• You might be addicted to Twitter if... There is a bird-chirping noise coming from your computer every minute or so. You refer to people as @nickname outside of Twitter (seek help if you refer to them that way in real life) People have threatened to un-friend you on Facebook because you have the Twitter app turned......
• You might be from Seattle if... I saw this on-line and did not see a link here. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty You use the word "sun breaks", and know what it means You can’t wait for a day with "Showers and......

• Andy Roddick's Tennis Player Profile Andrew Stephen Roddick, better known as Andy Roddick, was born on August 30, 1982. He is an American professional tennis player, and has been considered to be the World No. 1 as well. Right now he is considered to be the eighth ranked player in the entire world, as of......
• Five Electric Cars I Hope Succeed With Their Grand Plans. In a world with steeply declining oil supplies, the transportation wave of the future (that is, if we can get them built before the oil runs out) will be electric cars that are charged by solar panels. This bio-fuel and hydrogen nonsense aside, there are a few innovative companies going......
• Figure Out Your Miles Per Dollar Instead Of MPG. I just came across this site called Miles Per Dollar which has a handy dandy calculator that enables you to see how much it costs you to drive your car on a mile by mile basis. For our car, a Subaru Forester getting about 29 MPG here in New Mexico,......
• How to Compare Hybrid Cars It is hard to find a comparative ranking for hybrid cars, so how do you compare hybrid cars if you have trouble getting the information that you need? Luckily there are not that many types of hybrid vehicles on the market today, so when you decide to compare hybrid cars......
• Contra Costa County Hike of the Mitchell Canyon Eagle Peak Summary: This is a 7.8 mile hike that begins at the Mitchell Canyon and then climbs along fire roads toward Murchio gap, followed by a rollicking excursion by way of single track to Eagle Peak. You will enjoy views of the park before continuing downhill along a steep grade......

Cow capitalism

Traditional Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using
letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then
execute a debt/equity  swap with an associated general offer so that
you get all  four cows back,  with a tax exemption for five cows. The
milk   rights  of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to
a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who
sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The
annual report says the company owns eight cows, with  an option on one
more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States,
leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the
release. The public buys your bull.

International variations:
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon
images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are. You break for
lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again
and  learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have
12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high
bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute…

• Diary of an AOL User One of my favorites from long ago. July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it's the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me another. I can't connect. I......
• You might be a bachelor if... *  you eat frozen pizza without microwaving it. ( you can cook those things? ) * you use a stapler to adjust the length of your trousers. ( Bert van Viegen, viegen ) * you get your furniture out of the clean up pile and then brag about how it......
• Two (un)romantic poems The following are entries to a contest by The   Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic  poem...except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line  was romantic. 1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful  wife: Marrying you screwed up my  life.......
• ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS 1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use  it. 2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.  Just stay home the two days of the year it snows. 3. If you do run your car into......
• You know you're from Ohio if... You know you're from Ohio if... -You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami. -You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital. -You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange! -You've heard of 3.2% beer. -Schools close for the state basketball......

• How to Choose a VoIP Plan for Residential Internet Phone Service Once youve decided to switch from traditional land line phone service to money-saving internet phone service, youll need to decide what type of VoIP plan to get. Every VoIP provider offers a choice of calling plans, depending on your needs. Youll need to decide between unlimited local and long......
• America's Credit Rating May Be In Jeopardy It's no secret that the federal government is racking serious amounts of debt. It was bad before the recession started but the last couple of years have exacerbated the issue. The budget deficit is over $1 trillion this year and this trend is expected to continue for a few more......
• Elizabeth Edwards' cancer reminds us all of our mortality This was not supposed to be the debut of Health Spectator. We had thought we'd make our entre with a well-researched update on antioxidants or perhaps an introductory lesson on the complexities of the immune system. Once our piece was researched and written, it might have taken another month......
• Do Pennies Still Make Cents? A Penny For Your Thoughts... Ah, the penny. The bright, shiny, Abraham Lincoln adorned, copper (cough, zinc) penny. If you haven't already heard, the United States Mint announced four new one-cent coins for 2009. The redesign is in recognition of the bicentennial of President Abraham Lincoln's birth and the 100th anniversary of the first minted......
• The Curse of American Idol: Adam to win, Kris to have the career...maybe? Tonight America decides who will win American Idol. But, seriously, regardless, who will have the bigger career?...