One of my favorites from long ago.

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it’s the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it in case they don’t ever send me another. I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn’t work. I can’t get online.
July 25 That kid next door hooked up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.
July 27 The kid showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone?
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online, not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard?
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTERS MAKER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT’S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, I WANT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT, BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN’T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. JEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. JEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.  WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it?  Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.
August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.  I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

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If operating systems ran your brain

Windows for brains:
———
You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time  but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as  you  encounter a “general  protection fault” and  as  a  last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.

DOS for brains:
—–
You  only  think of one thing at one time,  and  can’t  remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only
in words and never any pictures.

Unix for brains:
——
Wow – you  can think of lots of things all at  once  until  your
brain  runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with  people
who  have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you  also
never  make  any sense and have to read manuals to learn  how  to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.

CP/M for brains:
——
A  very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing  you  remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.

MVS/CICS for brains:

You  have  a very big and expensive brain. You can  think  about
many  things  at the one time but never now what other  parts  of
your  brain are thinking unless you  have set up  SNA  connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of  system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.

OS/2 for brains:
——
You  can  think  about  lots of things  at  once  but  need  the
equivalent of eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce
any  rational thought. No-one supports your way of  thinking  and
many laugh at you whenever you speak.

Mac for brains:
—–
Simple  thoughts  for simple people. Thinking that  looks  good,
feels good but is expensive.

Pick for brains:
——
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

AmigaOS for brains:

You  can think of lots of things at once, even with a very  small
memory.  The  trouble is that, sometimes, one thought  starts  to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a
compelling  need  to wrap a teatowel around your  head  and  sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.

Linux for Brains:
——-
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately,  there  is no support for your  particular  limbs,
ears, mouth or …. thingy…. available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.

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If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR: All the passengers go out onto the runway,
grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in
the air, hop on, and jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push
it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS AIRLINES: The terminal is very neat and
clean, the attendants are all very attractive and
the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your
jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the
clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without
warning.

MAC AIRWAYS: Tickets are expensive. The cashiers,
flight attendants, and pilots all look the same,
feel the same and act the same. When asked
questions about the flight they reply that you
don’t want to know, don’t need to know, and would
you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

LINUX EXPRESS: Each passenger brings a piece of the
airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They
gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together. Eventually, they build several different
aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All
passengers believe they got there.

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If your brain required an operating system like your computer does, what
would it be like?

Windows for brains:
You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a
short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a
“general  protection fault” and as a last resort you have to re-boot your
brain.

DOS for brains:
You only think of one thing at one time, and can’t remember anything else you
were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any
pictures.

Unix for brains:
Wow – you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of
sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same
vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to
learn  how to think. Predominantly a random thinker.

CP/M for brains:
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less
than 3 letters long.

MVS/CICS for brains:
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the
one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unless you
have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an
army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.

OS/2 for brains:
You can think about lots of things at once, but you need the equivalent of
eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce any rational thought.
No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.

Mac for brains:
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good, and is
… different…

Pick for brains:
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small memory. The
trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things
another to compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.

Linux for Brains:
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately,  there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, mouth or
…. thingy…. available yet, so you are reluctant to change over at this
stage.

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