One of my favorites from long ago.

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I’ve heard it’s the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I’d better hold onto it in case they don’t ever send me another. I can’t connect. I don’t know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don’t see why. He’s trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn’t figure out where it goes. It wouldn’t fit in the monitor or the printer. I’m confused.
July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. That nine year old next door did it for me. But it still doesn’t work. I can’t get online.
July 25 That kid next door hooked up to America Online for me. He’s so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that’s just another service. What a modest kid. He’s so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he’s smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn’t even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn’t know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 What’s the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I’m confused.
July 27 The kid showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius.
July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone?
July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I’m connected to America Online, not usenet.
July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard?
JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTERS MAKER TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN’T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISN’T THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THAT’S A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD, I WANT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT, BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 – I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 – I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASN’T SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 – I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON’T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 – THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. JEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASN’T SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 – SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. JEEZ THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 – SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.  WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!  HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 – Why have a Caps Lock key if you’re not suppose to use it?  Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 – I just read this post called make money fast. I’m so exited. I’m going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 – I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 – I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 – I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I’ve looked and looked but I can’t find that group.
August 12 – I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he’s laughing so hard he can’t eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don’t know why the rec.humor group didn’t like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 – I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I’m also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 – Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.  I told him I don’t have an account at his bank. He’s so dumb.

• You might be in the army if... *  hoah! is your answer to every question in life. (jlewis) * you make your kids pull fireguard and cq. * your family's favorite hair style is a high and tight. * you wont let your wife go to the px because the laundry room failed inspection. * you have......
• You might be a bachelor if... *  you eat frozen pizza without microwaving it. ( you can cook those things? ) * you use a stapler to adjust the length of your trousers. ( Bert van Viegen, viegen ) * you get your furniture out of the clean up pile and then brag about how it......
• You might be a gamer if... You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo". The......
• You might be a bad driver if... you've ever offered someone inordinate sums of money for the damage because if the insurance company hears about one more accident... your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asfault in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you. you go to leave the frat party stone......
• Murphy's Laws for EMS The First Law of EMS: All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time. Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat. Corollary 2: Always order food "to go". The Law of Time: 1. There is absolutely no relationship between......

• Jane Porter speaking about life I'm happy to share this online interview with Jane Porter. She was gracious to spend some time with us. I think you'll agree that she is a voice we'd like to hear more of. Jane, I so much enjoyed your book Flirting with 40, and I'm really looking forward to......
• Internet Marketing Tweets 2009-05-25 Sorry to all my #feedburner subscribers #twitter tools was creating a daily blog post and feedburner was sending it out. Problem corrected # @randfish I had a similar experience when I spoke in Norway last year, a rebooking cost me $800 USD. Unbelievable. in reply to randfish # Jean......
• Six Words That Saved Me $17,893 - And Can Save You Even More The following guest post is from one of my favorite writers, Neal Frankle of Wealth Pilgrim. After reading the post, head over to Neal's site and check out his free subscription options. "What is the purpose of this?" Those are the six words. There you have it. Next time you......
• Money Saving Tips: 122 Ways To Trim Your Budget A while back All You Magazine offered to give away a few subscriptions to Frugal Dad readers.  The rules for entering the contest were simple--leave a money saving tip in the comments.  What happened next was one of those magical moments you can only get from blogs, and the sense......
• Meet The M-Network Friends: An Interview With Emily From Remodeling This Life. Now that I have wrapped up all the interviews with all the M-Network members other than myself, I decided to expand the series a little and include all the friends of the M-Network who participate in our group projects and forums. Up this week is Emily from Remodeling This......

If operating systems ran your brain

Windows for brains:
———
You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time  but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as  you  encounter a “general  protection fault” and  as  a  last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.

DOS for brains:
—–
You  only  think of one thing at one time,  and  can’t  remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only
in words and never any pictures.

Unix for brains:
——
Wow – you  can think of lots of things all at  once  until  your
brain  runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with  people
who  have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you  also
never  make  any sense and have to read manuals to learn  how  to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.

CP/M for brains:
——
A  very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing  you  remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.

MVS/CICS for brains:

You  have  a very big and expensive brain. You can  think  about
many  things  at the one time but never now what other  parts  of
your  brain are thinking unless you  have set up  SNA  connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of  system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.

OS/2 for brains:
——
You  can  think  about  lots of things  at  once  but  need  the
equivalent of eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce
any  rational thought. No-one supports your way of  thinking  and
many laugh at you whenever you speak.

Mac for brains:
—–
Simple  thoughts  for simple people. Thinking that  looks  good,
feels good but is expensive.

Pick for brains:
——
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

AmigaOS for brains:

You  can think of lots of things at once, even with a very  small
memory.  The  trouble is that, sometimes, one thought  starts  to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a
compelling  need  to wrap a teatowel around your  head  and  sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.

Linux for Brains:
——-
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately,  there  is no support for your  particular  limbs,
ears, mouth or …. thingy…. available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.

• You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......
• You might be a runner if... http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper. ...you have chafing in strange places. ...people say, "You run three miles...at once?" ...all your socks are either stained or torn. ...your......
• Operating Systems for Your Brain If your brain required an operating system like your computer does, what would it be like? Windows for brains: You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a "general ......
• Random thoughts Yet another e-mail forward: I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only......
• You might be a gamer if... You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo". The......

• How to Set and Keep Savings Goals Savings goals can some of the hardest goals to keep. There are always other things vying for your attention and money. As little things come up, you set your goal aside planning to resume your progress towards it soon. Before long, months have gone by and your progress has completely......
• 5 G Technology - A New Age in Mobile Telephony It cannot be denied that the continuous influx of modern technology has undoubtedly enhanced user friendliness of the mobile phone and made it a much more effective gadget. Keeping in mind the continuous customer demand to enhance the effectiveness of this dynamic gadget, the cell phone companies are researching......
• First Personal Finance Blog Carnival Participation: Success! I have to say, it's great to be accepted by the personal finance blog community in such a short amount of time.  Yesterday, Stupid Cents was featured in the Money Hacks Carnival #51, hosted by Adam @ Your Money Relationship.  So go check out the other great articles and find......
• Don’t Steal from Your Future On the surface, borrowing money from your 401(k) account when you face an emergency or a major unplanned expense may not seem like a bad idea. After all, it’s your money; why shouldn’t you use? And wouldn’t you rather owe yourself than a bank or credit card company? Although these......
• Google plan to launch a new Operating System in 2010 Google plan to launch a new Operating System in 2010 A new operating system based on the web browser Google Chrome is planned to be launched in 2010 by Google. If Google can keep what they promise it will become a competitive operating system to Microsoft Window for the notebook......

If Operating Systems were Airlines

DOS AIR: All the passengers go out onto the runway,
grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in
the air, hop on, and jump off when it hits the
ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push
it back into the air, hop on, etcetera.

WINDOWS AIRLINES: The terminal is very neat and
clean, the attendants are all very attractive and
the pilots very capable. The fleet is immense. Your
jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the
clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without
warning.

MAC AIRWAYS: Tickets are expensive. The cashiers,
flight attendants, and pilots all look the same,
feel the same and act the same. When asked
questions about the flight they reply that you
don’t want to know, don’t need to know, and would
you please return to your seat and watch the movie.

LINUX EXPRESS: Each passenger brings a piece of the
airplane and a box of tools to the airport. They
gather on the tarmac, arguing constantly about what
kind of plane they want to build and how to put it
together. Eventually, they build several different
aircraft, but give them all the same name. Some
passengers actually reach their destinations. All
passengers believe they got there.

• You might be from Seattle if... I saw this on-line and did not see a link here. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation You throw an aluminum can in the trash and feel guilty You use the word "sun breaks", and know what it means You can’t wait for a day with "Showers and......
• You might be a Twitter Spammer if... (Tip:  To report spam, follow @spam on Twitter and then direct message the @username - e..g., "d spam @spammer") You still have the default avatar (Hint to anyone who hasn't yet) You have been suspended on a regular basis: "Sorry, the account you were headed to has been suspended due......
• You might be a cheapskate if... I'm wondering if this was submitted by a soon-to-be ex-wife: You might be a cheapskate if...... 1. You concentrate on lowest prices than quality of an item. 2. You've ever went Christmas shopping at Goodwill. 3. You bought your wife her anniversary present at a yard sale. 4. Your brand......
• The evolution of a python programmer #Newbie programmer def factorial(x): if x == 0: return 1 else: return x * factorial(x - 1) print factorial(6) #First year programmer, studied Pascal def factorial(x): result = 1 i = 2 while i <= x: result = result * i i = i + 1 return result print......
• You might be in the army if... you might be in the army if... after your Army boyfriend asks you a question ending with, Hooah?? You talk to your mom and dad and say: roger and negative with each question they ask. You are discharged from the Army and still drop and push 10 out when you......

• How do i make a bootable cd to load operating system on another computer? Im a novice computer user first of all :) But I have a computer that I want to format and then put an operating system on it. I have an iso file for the operating system and Im using the magic iso creator. Im guessing I have to make a......
• Comparing VoIP Providers For Small Business Solutions It is no secret that communication is key to survival for small business. The advantage to small busineses of using a VoIP solution is that the market is very competitive. While there are relatively few companies from which to choose for normal phone service, many VoIP providers will gladly offer......
• Could Samsung's Bada operating system pose a threat to Android or Symbian?‏ To rival Android, Linux operating systems, Samsung Electronics, the electronic giant has announced its own open mobile operating system called as bada, which means “ocean” in Korean. It is designed for use in Smartphones and will enable rich user experience in applications on various mobile devices. The new operating system......
• Web Hosting Guide Web Hosting Guide - What's actually important.  Since you're thinking about starting up a website, you probably already know that in order to do so, you must subscribe to a web hosting service provider. This web host will keep your website live at all times so you don't have to......
• I Can Cross THIS Off My List! I was supposed to follow up my last post with a description of my next step for curbing the sugar addiction. However, I can't pass up not telling you about my thrill-seeking experience. Yesterday, I did something I can cross off the proverbial list, something I never thought I'd actually......

If your brain required an operating system like your computer does, what
would it be like?

Windows for brains:
You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time but only for a
short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as you encounter a
“general  protection fault” and as a last resort you have to re-boot your
brain.

DOS for brains:
You only think of one thing at one time, and can’t remember anything else you
were meant to be thinking about. You think only in words and never any
pictures.

Unix for brains:
Wow – you can think of lots of things all at once until your brain runs out of
sockets. You can only talk though with people who have brains made by the same
vendor. Unfortunately you also never make any sense and have to read manuals to
learn  how to think. Predominantly a random thinker.

CP/M for brains:
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember has to be less
than 3 letters long.

MVS/CICS for brains:
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about many things at the
one time but never now what other parts of your brain are thinking unless you
have set up SNA connections between sections of your brains. You also need an
army of system programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.

OS/2 for brains:
You can think about lots of things at once, but you need the equivalent of
eighteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce any rational thought.
No-one supports your way of thinking and many laugh at you whenever you speak.

Mac for brains:
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good, feels good, and is
… different…

Pick for brains:
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.

AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small memory. The
trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to think about the things
another to compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.

Linux for Brains:
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately,  there is no support for your particular limbs, ears, mouth or
…. thingy…. available yet, so you are reluctant to change over at this
stage.

• You might be a cheapskate if... I'm wondering if this was submitted by a soon-to-be ex-wife: You might be a cheapskate if...... 1. You concentrate on lowest prices than quality of an item. 2. You've ever went Christmas shopping at Goodwill. 3. You bought your wife her anniversary present at a yard sale. 4. Your brand......
• You might be a runner if... http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper. ...you have chafing in strange places. ...people say, "You run three miles...at once?" ...all your socks are either stained or torn. ...your......
• You might be a gamer if... You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo". The......
• You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......
• Murphy's Laws for EMS The First Law of EMS: All emergency calls will wait until you begin to eat, without regard to the time. Corollary 1: Fewer accidents would occur if EMS personnel would never eat. Corollary 2: Always order food "to go". The Law of Time: 1. There is absolutely no relationship between......

• Open Enrollment Time As the new year comes hurtling closer and closer, many people find themselves faced with making some major decisions about their healthcare choices. For a great deal of employers, the first of the year marks the advent of their health plan’s open enrollment period. This time of year allows eligible......
• Sam Zell Imparts His Wisdom One of the advantages of going to a top-tier MBA program is that you get to meet a lot of succesful, well-known people. Last week, billionaire real estate investor Sam Zell was on campus and gave an hour long speech about his views on the economy. He made an analogy......
• Christmas Traditions - Easy and Inexpensive I've written before that there are many things we do during the Christmas season including minimalizing commercialism.  We have loads of fun with handmade christmas ornaments.   We take nightly drives to look at outdoor Christmas lights.  We also enjoy making Christmas cookies for ourselves and to give as Christmas gifts.  These are fun......
• Place of Humanity The topic is an issue that comes up a lot, but is rarely given any formal answer for. Roughly, I will address the place of humanity in the universe. It can be argued that in order for man to arise (male and female), the universe itself had to satisfy rather......
• Reward Systems Work - The Key to Successful Weight Loss One of the hardest parts of dealing with a diet is the feeling that you are depriving yourself. Everyone needs a boost and for many people, food is the natural reward. Whether this started in childhood or became an acquired habit later in life, you'll need to find new......