In the style of the Shit Happens list:

Foursquare:

• I am mayor of this toilet.

Twitter:

• That Mexican food hit me wrong. (Someone who is keen on maintaining their “personal brand”)
• I need to shit. (Everyone else)

Facebook:

• The inside joke type:  “The Nope strikes again.” [where your inside crowd nickname for a Mexican place goes in the bold italics.]
  • 3 people “Like” this shit.
• The vague, but obvious reference:  “Glade Floral Scent rocks.”
• No apologies: “I Shit”

Tumblr:

• Whoa…  somebody didn’t flush their shit.  Hey, everybody, check this shit out!

StumbleUpon:

• Post your toilet and have random people shit in it.

Digg:

• You:  This shit is awesome.  Others:  I’m going to bury your shit.

LinkedIn:

• Excellent at making sure I flush my shit.

Quora:

• Why is there corn in my shit?

See also:

• Peeing Guide to Social Media
• And Buzzfeed: Social Media Explained
• Shit Happens List – Raz-Soft

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The following are ways of expressing the snow hysteria (especially on Twitter):

• snOMG
• snowmageddon
• snoWTF
• ohsnowudidnt
• snoverkill
• snowicane
• snopacalypse

Added:

• Some other snow portmanteau may be found on A Daily Portmanteau: Snowmenclature, including:  snovice, snowhere, snowonder, snowbegone, snowmad, state of snomergency, snoway, snovacaine, snoxious, snowbotomy, snooky, snowcreation, snaction…
• From TSNONami – tSNOnami, SNOzilla, SNOlycrap, SNOtards, SNOverated, SNOverreaction, SNOverestimated, SNOthingsgonnahappen, SNOba_fett, SNObalWarming, SNOblivion, SNOproblem, SNOwayinhell, SNOtoriousBIG, SNOf__kyourself, SNOflakes, SNOcoholics, SNOtography, SNOtos.

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• You might be a spammer if... You put tracking/randomization numbers in your subject lines: Cash-flow-74002006 Your entire message body is composed of images, without any description text. gmail can't seem to "preview in html" the pdf you attached. Your sender name includes one of the following words: panel, notice, meds, travel, survey Note: I said......
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HARIO Hand Grinder on Amazon

“Who moved my coffee” – Scurries in and out of the break room every five minutes to see if coffee has been made yet.  Moves quickly to avoid being identified as someone who has seen the empty coffee pots and yet not made a pot of coffee.  Related to The person with a phobia of making coffee.

The person with a phobia of making coffee – Leaves 2+ nearly empty pots on active burners after getting coffee, before 9am.  If the coffee maker is already in such a state, will discreetly duck into the bathroom or wait 5 minutes for someone else to make a pot or two.  Sometimes will turn off the burners or pull the filter basket out to “save energy” or hint that someone needs to make coffee.

The busy bee coffee maker – The opposite of the “phobia” person.  Feels compelled to always ensure that all pots are full of fresh coffee.  Will occasionally dump out a 1/2 pot that looks “old” to make this happen.

The dependent decaf drinker – As any dependent coffee drinker, drags self to the coffee maker, desperate for that morning boost, and grabs the DECAF pot.

The cheery decaf drinker – Acts about as cheery as someone who’s had a quad shot of espresso for the first time and walks up for a refill of decaf.

The half and half drinker – Probably uses coffee as an excuse for his half and half habit.  Frozen coffee drinks at major chain stores are usually darker.

The burn off drinker – will drink the mostly evaporated sludge at the bottom of the pot. Sources are unclear whether this is a preference or laziness.

The “save energy because it’s after 10am” coffee drinker - Sometimes this is a cover for a phobia of making coffee.  Other times, this is a reincarnation of your parents or grandparents who chased you around the house turning off everything you turned on.
The 3pm coffee maker – Sometimes gets offended that a bulk of the office population stops drinking coffee after lunch and grumbles about having to make coffee.  Other times, it’s a simple conditioned response from years of drinking coffee at coffee houses after 9 pm.

The tea drinker – Sends coffee drinkers in a panic when lining up for the last cup of coffee, only to use the hot water spout to make tea.

The oatmeal eater who uses a coffee mug – Same effect as the tea drinker, although the motivation seems a little more sinister.

The overpowering flavored coffee brewer – Brews coffee that taints the flavor of every pot brewed the remainder of the day, as well as tainting the air in 5,000 square feet of office space.

Inspired by Ben Thomas’ suggestions:

The procedural purist – Scolds anyone who takes from the pot early or uses the hot water tap on the coffee maker while coffee is brewing.

The accidental barista – Knows that a coffee house would brew at at least twice the coffee-to-water ratio that the pre-measured packs imply, and thusly, uses two packs of coffee per brew.

Some additional late additions

The soup mug coffee drinker – Drinks coffee out of a coffee mug [see Campbell's Soup Mug].  While this serving size is no different than the 16-20 oz coffee tumbler, the clear advantage to this soup mug is the larger exposed surface area to aid in rapid cooling [as opposed to a tumbler which might be expected to keep the coffee warm for a longer period before the coffee is consumed].

The soda drinker – avoids the coffee area altogether, but sometimes stashes a cold soda in the refrigerator, and therefore, has to navigate the herd of people waiting for the coffee.  Shakes head in amazement at such a dependency on a nasty brown liquid whilst scampering off with own artificially colored/flavored/carbonated water.

The coffee punter – sees an empty pot, sets it on top of the coffee maker to say, “Hey, someone needs to make coffee.”  Walks off.

The absent-minded coffee maker – sees an empty pot on the second burner and a half-full pot on the brewing burner, makes a fresh pot of coffee with the half-full pot underneath. Everything near the coffee maker ends up with a permanent coffee coloring and/or smell.

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Meeting before the meeting – A select group of people, usually from the same team, decide what the “correct outcome” of the main meeting is supposed to be. When the main meeting comes, the co-conspirators stick to their guns about what must be done.

Meeting after the meeting – Often, the people who were run over by the pre-meeting decision will have a meeting afterward to discuss what just hit them. Especially true when the main meeting involved a large vendor.

Meeting just to make sure we keep having this meeting – An agenda-less meeting that occurs during the only available weekly time slot on the calendars of all participants, so everyone shows up and fakes it through the meeting aimlessly until the time is up.

The mutually ignored meeting – Sometimes coincides with the “meeting just to make sure we keep having this meeting.”  Usually, however, this meeting has a more organized structure.  Everyone participates in the meeting by speaking in turn, yet no one actually hears anything that the other participants are saying.  Often coincides with the “project status meeting”.

Pep Rally Meeting – These meetings are supposed to replicate the glory days of the tech boom, complete with an enthusiastic leader leading the cheering.  These can be fun if the overall culture of the company fits.  They can also be the source of YouTube videos.

Sub-Meeting – A complete side discussion that starts by distracting major participants in the main meeting, and eventually overtakes the main meeting purpose, either by acoustics or by importance.

“Party” Meeting – This may be a special occasion to recognize a milestone birthday, anniversary, retirement, etc., and is often characterized by a lot of standing around in odd clusters of people.  People from each of these clusters take turns migrating to the focus of the party to say a good word, and then drift back to their clusters or to their desks.  Social aptitude generally determines how long a person has to wait to for a turn.

Project “status” meeting – A regular project “update” meeting where everyone gives an “everything’s okay” status, regardless of what part of the project is crashing and burning.

Virtual Meeting - A remote meeting that everyone dials into and immediately mutes, proceeding to spent their time more productively, such as by watching Sportscenter or playing ping-pong.

Meeting to teach someone how to run a meeting - This is generally a status-type meeting where a less-experienced team member learns how to start a meeting, stick to an agenda, and write down and assign “action items”.

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• "Shit Happens" from a Social Media Perspective Foursquare: I am mayor of this toilet. Tumblr: Whoa...  somebody didn't flush their shit.  Hey, everybody, check this out! StumbleUpon: Post your toilet and have random people shit in it. Digg: You:  This shit is awesome.  Others:  I'm going to bury your shit. LinkedIn: Excellent at making sure I flush......
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• More You Might be from New Jersey if... You might be from New Jersey if... -you know what "Quick Check" is -you hang out at said "Quick Check" in the parking lot with your friends doing absoutely nothing and talking about what you are going to do to your car next so you can drag race it better.......
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