1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use  it.

2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can.  Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly.  Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All
y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”.
And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”

10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when
making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not ‘cooked’ in an oven

14. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot”
you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a
bowl of  guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don’t ask.

21. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t
mean anything’s broken.

22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you
really mean to say is ‘Margarita.’

23. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school
football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance
to the door, but the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto
the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.

26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot
dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular
weekend pastime.

28. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

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The following are entries to a contest by The   Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic  poem…except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line  was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful  wife:
Marrying you screwed up my  life.

2. I see your face when I am  dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up  screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and  hot;
This describes everything you  are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be  bliss,
But I only slept with  you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no  other–
that  is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar  is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are  wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar  bowl’s empty and so is your  head.

7. I want to feel your sweet  embrace
But don’t take that  paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your  eyes
Damn, I’m  good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath  away.
What have you stepped  in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can  tell,
Except for maybe “Go to  hell.”

11. What inspired this amorous  rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part  lime.

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