Yet another e-mail forward:

• I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
• Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
• How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
• I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
• Bad decisions make good stories
• Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
• Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
• If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
• Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from; this shouldn’t be a problem….
• You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
• Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
• There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
• I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
• “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
• I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
• While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
• I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
• I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
• When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
• I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
• Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
• As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
• Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
• It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
• I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
• I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
• Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
• Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
• My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
• It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
• I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
• I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
• I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
• The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

• You might be addicted to Twitter if... There is a bird-chirping noise coming from your computer every minute or so. You refer to people as @nickname outside of Twitter (seek help if you refer to them that way in real life) People have threatened to un-friend you on Facebook because you have the Twitter app turned......
• More You Might be from Florida if... You know what Malfunction Junction is. You know the latitude and longitude of every tropical wave. Of all the bad four-letter words, WIND is the worst. you never have more than 20 dollars worth of food in yourr freezer you think your hall closet or saferoom as cozy you can......
• You might be a gamer if... You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo". The......
• You might be a bachelor if... *  you eat frozen pizza without microwaving it. ( you can cook those things? ) * you use a stapler to adjust the length of your trousers. ( Bert van Viegen, viegen ) * you get your furniture out of the clean up pile and then brag about how it......
• You might be a runner if... http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper. ...you have chafing in strange places. ...people say, "You run three miles...at once?" ...all your socks are either stained or torn. ...your......

• The Online Home Improvement Community There are many home improvement communities around the world these days, but the one that is truly international is the online home improvement community.  This is a community that has been building for the last few years and has now come to the point where it can legitimately claim to......
• Surf Skate Wake Board - What's Your Passion? For many people, there is nothing that they find to be more exhilarating or exciting then boarding of all types. This can mean surfing, skate boarding, wake boarding and more. For many people it may e the danger that they feel or even the endorphins that they feel coursing through......
• What to Look For on a Christian Message Board At first thought you may be thinking, duh, Christian discussions. And most likely you are probably right. But it goes deeper than that. Much deeper. Below is a list of the types of discussions you will find. Eternal Security (Once Saved, Always Saved) versus Conditional Salvation. This is the number......
• My Method For Coupon Stockpiling I've recently begun coupon stockpiling, after I discovered how much money I can save by combining sales with coupons. We receive the Sunday newspaper which contains the coupon flyers so in the past I've only had one coupon to use for each item I would find on sale. However, to......
• Best posts on Squirrelman's Nutzy World from Jun 2009 Too many posts to handle? If you missed out on a great post from last month, here's a quick digest of the top posts that you may want to check out:IntenseDebate CommentsPosted on Saturday, June 13th, 2009 in Blogs - Views: (76)You know I've tried everything that I can think......

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much Pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker – but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it…..
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

• If Operating Systems Ran Your Brain If operating systems ran your brain Windows for brains: --------- You  think about one of any number of things at anyone time  but only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank as  you  encounter a "general  protection fault" and  as  a  last resort you have......
• You might be a cheesehead if... Much like the redneck lists, the good lists make you wonder if the person is putting himself down for being one. You might be a Cheesehead if... 1. If your idea of a 7-course meal is a Brat and a 6-pack... you might be a Cheesehead! 2. If the Packer......
• You might be a computer geek if... This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists.  I'm starting this one from scratch. you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc... you're a card-carrying member of the EFF when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm......
• You might be a bad driver if... you've ever offered someone inordinate sums of money for the damage because if the insurance company hears about one more accident... your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asfault in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you. you go to leave the frat party stone......
• You might be a gamer if... You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo". The......

• UK poverty line The campaign to end child poverty claims that 5.5m children are living close to or beneath the child poverty line in the UK. The campaign to end child poverty staged a rally in London on October 4th to highlight the growing number of children that have slipped into poverty in......
• Hitting the Slopes in Style: A Guide to Skiing Like Yourself To novices, the ski slope is a dangerous thing. It's too tall, too steep, and too full of white stuff to be considered anything close to safe. In reality, we know that skiing can be a fun, thrilling, even relaxing adventure that people of a wide range of ages can......
• 500 More Useless Facts [/caption] Most American car horns honk in the key of F. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes. Studies......
• How Bernie Madoff screwed me - II:The Ponzi Scheme in Every Hedge Fund - TIME Now comes the murkier part: Many assets — particularly those that unregulated hedge funds can trade — are not as liquid as stocks, and so they do not always have a definite price on the market. Since a fund reports unrealized gains, it could easily get away with inflating profits.......
• Is a 401k Plan Really a Great Deal? A disclosure before I start... I have maxed out my 401k plan whenever given the opportunity to do so.  Recently, I put 75% of my paycheck towards it because I knew I was going to a new job that might not have a 401k plan. The other day I realized......

The following are entries to a contest by The Washington Post, in which respondents had to write a two-line romantic poem…except that the last line had to be as un-romantic as the first line was romantic.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other–
that is, until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you ~
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

• Random thoughts Yet another e-mail forward: I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only......
• You might be a runner if... http://www.letsrun.com/forum/flat_read.php?board=1&id=9545&thread=9545 ...your toenails are black. ...your shoes have more miles on them than your car does. ...you need a magnifying glass to see your name in the paper. ...you have chafing in strange places. ...people say, "You run three miles...at once?" ...all your socks are either stained or torn. ...your......
• You might be a bad customer if... you instruct the bartender on how to make a drink because, very loudly, you explain "That's how they make them at MY country club." Then you wait to receive your .19 cents in change and don't tip. you go into a convenience store and buy a pack of gum......
• You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......
• You might be a gamer if... You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word "Gazebo". The......

• The Marriage Ref Sunday night I was flipping through the channels and happened upon the new NBC show "The Marriage Ref" , which is produced by Jerry Seinfeld. I saw previews, but wasn't too sure, but I gotta tell you that what I saw of this show is HYSTERICAL!! Picture funny celebrity panelists listening......
• Embracing Renewal Renewal. It’s the spiritual season, and a benchmark for the world spirit itself. Renewal is a positive thing, no? Depends on what you are renewing? Exactly. If it isn’t personal it can seem wonderful, but personal renewal… We run from it like our life depends on it, do we not?......
• Review: Whip It Whip It is about girls' Roller Derby, directed by Drew Barrymore. She is also the executive producer and plays the part of Smashley Simpson. Whip It refers to a move whereby one of the teammates swings the skater farther and faster by whipping or flinging them out with their arm......
• Value of a Dollar Earned I've been thinking about my Alternative Income Streams recently. I'm trying to put them in context with the earnings from my day job. I'm at a bit of crossroads where I'm not sure what to make of this income stream. A large number of you leave comments about how well......
• Love and Hate Inner nature is love. God is love, and we are God. We are in Gods image. Children of the whole unified spirit. It can be a choice, but it’s really a realization. The hatred was never a choice. What moved you to hatred was an idea of an absence of......

1.  Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use  it.

2.  Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can.  Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in
the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly.  Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their
way.
This is what they live for.

4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.

5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All
y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

8. If you hear a redneck exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

9. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”.
And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”

10. There are no delis. Don’t ask.

11. In conversation, never put your hand on a man’s shoulder when
making a point, especially in a bar.

12. Chili does NOT have beans in it.

13. Brisket is not ‘cooked’ in an oven

14. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares.

15. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December.

16. We do TOO have 4 Seasons: December, January, February, and Summer!

17. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

18. If someone tells you “Don’t worry, those peppers aren’t hot”
you can be certain they are.

19. If you fail to heed my warning in #18 above, be sure to have a
bowl of  guacamole handy. Water won’t do it.

20. Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters. Don’t ask.

21. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t
mean anything’s broken.

22. Don’t even think of ordering a strawberry daiquiri. What you
really mean to say is ‘Margarita.’

23. If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school
football just keep your mouth shut.

24. The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance
to the door, but the availability of shade.

25. If you see a slower moving vehicle on a two lane road pull onto
the shoulder that is called “courtesy”.

26. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot
dogs outdoors.

27. No matter what you’ve seen on TV, line dancing is not a popular
weekend pastime.

28. “Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

29. Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.

• If operating systems ran your car. Posted to: alt.folklore.computers From: David Zykin Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. Windows:  You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is......
• You might be a bad driver if... you've ever offered someone inordinate sums of money for the damage because if the insurance company hears about one more accident... your friends would rather walk five miles barefoot on asfault in 110 degree heat than accept a ride from you. you go to leave the frat party stone......
• You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......
• More You Might be from Florida if... You know what Malfunction Junction is. You know the latitude and longitude of every tropical wave. Of all the bad four-letter words, WIND is the worst. you never have more than 20 dollars worth of food in yourr freezer you think your hall closet or saferoom as cozy you can......
• You might be a biker if... going 4-wheeling means your old lady has her own bike. your gloves don't have any fingers. you prefer to pee outside. your beer preference is BEER. you treat your leather better than your woman. you wash your bike more than you wash yourself. rock-and-roll is the only kind of......

• Ask My Two Dollars - I Love Iced Lattes, Why Can't I Buy Them? I got this question from a reader the other day: "I always see a lot of personal finance advice sites tell people to give up their daily lattes in order to save money. If I really love iced lattes and they help me through my day; does it really make......
• Winter Solstice 2009: Facts on Shortest Day of the Year Today is the winter solstice and the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. It's all due to Earth's tilt, which ensures that the shortest day of every year falls around December 21. But it's not all about astronomy Since ancient times people have marked the winter solstice......
• {Bookworm} Hello Banned Books Week :) ...filled with information and give people the opportunity to venture into unknown worlds, learn new things and most of all become more well-rounded individuals. Reading is about stepping out of the box, escapism and growth. Ignorance is a bad thing....
• Lighthouse Trailer Resort and Marina, Big Bear Lake, CA Lighthouse Trailer Resort and Marina is located on Big Bear Lake in Big Bear City, CA Phone: 909.866.9464 Average Water Depth: The water levels at Big Bear Lake do change quite a bit. We recommend calling the marina for more information before you arrive. Is there a marine stand by......
• Network Marketing - What Happens When Reality Sets In? I am a very good researcher, when I decided to get involved with network marketing or better known as MLM I quickly started researching on google all the different sites that where involved with this industry. I read about the good and the bad.  Often times these opportunities are seen......