YouMightBe.com's humor lists » Thomas http://youmightbe.com/blog A collection of humor lists from user submissions and usenet postings. Sat, 13 Aug 2011 16:33:53 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 You might be from New Jersey if… http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/08/13/you-might-be-from-new-jersey-if/ http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/08/13/you-might-be-from-new-jersey-if/#comments Sat, 13 Aug 2011 16:33:53 +0000 Thomas http://youmightbe.com/blog/?p=355
  • you’ve been seriously injured at Action Park.
  • you know that the only people who call it “Joisey” are from New York(usually The Bronx)or Texas.
  • you don’t think of citrus when people mention “The Oranges.”
  • you know that it’s called “Great Adventure,” not “Six Flags.”
  • you’ve ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast.
  • you’ve known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven.
  • you’ve eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 am.
  • whenever you park, there’s a Camaro within three spots of you.
  • you remember that the “Two Guys” were from Harrison.
  • you know that the state isn’t one big oil refinery.
  • at least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen, and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from.
  • you know what a “jug handle” is.
  • you know that a WaWa is a convenience store.
  • you know that the state isn’t all farmland.
  • you know that it isnt “The Beach” in New Jersey – it’s the shore, and you know that the road to the shore is “The Parkway” not “The Garden State Highway.”
  • you know that “Piney” isn’t referring to a tree.
  • even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs, and, you call it a “sub” not a “submarine sandwich” or worse yet, a “hoagie” or a “hero.”
  • you remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials.
  • you know how to properly negotiate a Circle.
  • you knew that the last question had to do with driving.
  • you know that “Acme” is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
  • you know that this is the only “New…” state that doesn’t require “New” to identify it (like, try …Mexico, …York, …Hampshire (doesn’t work, does it?).
  • you only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it “The City.”
  • you consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege.
  • in the 80′s you wore your hair REALLY high. (wait, didn’t everybody??)
  • you don’t think “What exit” (do you live near?) is very funny.
  • you know that the real first “strip shopping center” in the country is Route 22.
  • you know that people from 609 area code are “a little different.”
  • you know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton – that’s for out-of-staters.
  • the Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar.
  • you live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls.
  • you can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town.
  • you refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers.
  • every year, you had at least one kid in your class named Tony.
  • you know where every “clip” shown in the Sopranos opening credits is.
  • you’ve gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook Mall.
  • you’ve eaten a Boardwalk cheesesteak with vinegar fries.
  • you have a favorite Atlantic City casino.
  • you start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February.
  • you’ve never pumped your own gas.  (Chris) Took me forever to get this one…
  • you know how to navigate a circle while talking on a cell phone and smoking a Marlboro w/o using blinkers. (Mandie)
  • every 3 miles you drive there is a deserted mall.
  • most really nice homes have a gas station and a junk yard next door to them.
  • you never tell the truth about what state you’re from when strangers ask you in a chatroom.
  • most of your cash is in dimes and quarters.
  • even after moving to California, you still carry a separate change purse full of quarters and dimes for tolls. (Diane)
  • you learned to drive by backing out of your driveway onto a 50 MPH road. (visitor submission)
  • you have the shop install lumps and dents into your fenders so others will know that you have the strength in convinction to change lanes. (visitor submission)
  • you take kick-boxing lessons hoping someone will tell you the two weeks in
    New Jersey prize joke. (visitor submission)
  • you know where highway 9 is from that Bruce Springsteen song.
  • you have ever shopped at Wawa.
    • Related Posts
    • You might be a New Yorker if... you know what "call you for it" or "choose you for it" means. you get scared when a stranger randomly starts up a conversation with you. you can't stand leaving the city because people everywhere else are so nice, it's annoying. you curse....a lot. you believe that if you're......
    • More You Might be from New Jersey if... You might be from New Jersey if... -you know what "Quick Check" is -you hang out at said "Quick Check" in the parking lot with your friends doing absoutely nothing and talking about what you are going to do to your car next so you can drag race it better.......
    • You might be a Monty Python fan if... everytime you want to change the subject you say "and now for something completely different" you named your website Weasels and Spit when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you've been doing you've ever replied "I just spent four hours buryin' the cat" (and......
    • You might be a computer geek if... This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists.  I'm starting this one from scratch. you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc... you're a card-carrying member of the EFF when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm......
    • You might be from Chicago if... You Might Be From Chicago If... 1. You've ever had to switch from heat to A/C (or vice versa) in the same day. 2. You get extremely irritated when you hear people from other states pronounce the "S" at the end of "Illinois." 3. Grocery stores have bags, not sacks.......
    • If operating systems ran your car. Posted to: alt.folklore.computers From: David Zykin Date: Thurs, Nov 3 1994 3:02 am MS-DOS:  You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys. Windows:  You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is......
    Blog Traffic Exchange ]]>     http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/08/13/you-might-be-from-new-jersey-if/feed/ 0     You might be making your coworkers uncomfortable if… http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/07/06/you-might-be-making-your-coworkers-uncomfortable-if-2/ http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/07/06/you-might-be-making-your-coworkers-uncomfortable-if-2/#comments Thu, 07 Jul 2011 02:09:15 +0000 Thomas http://youmightbe.com/blog/?p=348
  • you reply to all on e-mail announcements about the death of a co-worker’s family member with something like, “It’s about time.”
  • you publicly insist that your employer recognize your chronic body odor as a disability.
  • you enthusiastically pleasure yourself whenever someone hands you a memo.
  • you give yourself a really cool nickname and refuse to answer to anything else. The nickname should always include your nationality. Examples: The Italian Stallion or The Canadian Bacon.
  • you bring in all of your GI Joe action figures from your childhood days. At your desk, stage full scale battles complete with pyrotechnics. Demand paid time off to bury your dead.
  • you announce your arrival every morning in a booming voice. Example: “The Haitian Sensation is here!!!”
  • you bring in chittlins everyday for lunch. Be sure to warm them in the microwave so the fine aroma of pig intestine wafts through the building.
  • you are the only one with enough nerve to ask the office hermaphrodite what it is, a man or a woman.
  • you approach people randomly and ask them to smell your index finger.
  • you drive a motor scooter to work wearing a leather jacket with “Bad to the Bone” embroidered on the back.
  • you refuse to zip your fly because your “little friend” is claustrophobic.
  • you wash your hands in the urinal.
  • you discard any roadkill from your morning commute in your cubicle’s waste basket.
  • you ask your black coworkers why their people are always trying to keep the white man down.
  • you openly discuss your menstrual cycle. If someone points out the fact that you’re a man, bring them up on sexual harassment charges.
  • you push your desk away from any direct sunlight because “it burns so bad.”
  • you wear all black and sacrifice small animals to the paper shredder gods.
  • you when in a crowded bathroom, stare directly at the person using the next urinal. If he turns to look at you, brand him a homosexual and threaten to tell his children.
  • you wear a rain bonnet because you’ve never trusted the filthy bastards that design fire sprinklers.
  • you walk up to peoples’ desks, look at pictures of their children and ask them who the hell they think they are, procreating.
  • you answer the phone, “I am the angel of the death. The hour of reckoning is upon us. How may I help you?”
  • you fall asleep at your desk. Wake up screaming, “GOOSE, I CAN’T REACH THE EJECTION HANDLE!!! EJECT, EJECT, EJECT!!!”
  • you demand special treatment because you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder as a result of years of measuring fish while serving in the coast guard.
  • you enter the company day care center, look at the children and announce, “One of your parent’s was just killed in a horrible accident.” Turn around and leave.
  • turn your cubicle into a fort. Install a secret entrance and post a “Girls Have Cooties” sign.
  • ask a coworker if you can borrow their left shoe.
  • start a nasty rumor about your boss having an affair with the janitor just to see how much the story changes by the time it gets back to you.
  • during meetings, flatulate loudly, fan it toward your coworkers and ask them to guess what you had for breakfast.
  • you set up Star Wars action figures around your desk and sit around making Darth Vader breathing noises… Occasionally, you mumble something about crushing the rebellion and take out a group of action figures with a toy light saber.

    •  

    Related Posts
    • You might be from Los Angeles if... This list is from the mid-90s as obvious from the third item... you know it's best not to be on the 405 at 4:05 pm. getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, takes about "twenty minutes". EVERYONE you know owns a pager and/or cell......
    • You might be a Monty Python fan if... everytime you want to change the subject you say "and now for something completely different" you named your website Weasels and Spit when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you've been doing you've ever replied "I just spent four hours buryin' the cat" (and......
    • You might be a nurse if... your friends call you for medical advice. ( lloyd , avatarj@mindspring.com ) discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you (Mary) you have the bladder capacity of five people you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance you believe that "ask-a-nurse" is an......
    • You might be Filipino if... you don't see a problem with spaghetti [with sauce], white rice, and fried chicken on the same plate. you take brownies to non-Filipino potluck dinners. you have a cartful of corned beef during a sale. you say kutex instead of nail polish. you are stumped when asked what kind......
    • You might be taking the beanie babies thing too far if... An oldie from the first days of YouMightBe.com... you spend so much money on beanies that you can't afford beans. you tease your grandmother about being addicted to her online bingo games as you transfer money into your new Beanie Baby checking account (because it just "makes it easier"). you kick out your grandmother so......
    • You might be a computer geek if... This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists.  I'm starting this one from scratch. you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc... you're a card-carrying member of the EFF when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm......
    Blog Traffic Exchange ]]>     http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/07/06/you-might-be-making-your-coworkers-uncomfortable-if-2/feed/ 0     Predicting the End of the World / Rapture in 1988? http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/05/20/predicting-the-end-of-the-world-rapture-in-1988/ http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/05/20/predicting-the-end-of-the-world-rapture-in-1988/#comments Fri, 20 May 2011 12:01:40 +0000 Thomas http://youmightbe.com/blog/?p=344 The wonderful thing about modern technology, i.e., the printing press, is that your arrogance can be committed to permanent record and mass produced.

    Related Posts
    • You might be anal-retentive if... you eat the M&Ms in color order. you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper. From Miranda: you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size. you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and......
    • You might be a teacher if... you have an overwhelming urge to nod and say, "Now I understand why your kid is the way they are," after meeting the parents. you've ever said "Put that gum on your nose!" ...outside of the classroom. you can't have children because there is no name you can think......
    • 66+ signs you've been in the [marching] band too long Started by: Lori Dyer When you hear music and you start marking time. When you walk behind someone and you're in step with them. When you try to guess the tempo of your favorite song. When all your friends are in the band. When you don't mind changing clothes on......
    • Cow Capitalism Cow capitalism Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income. Enron Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit......
    • You might be a beer snob if... you refer to popular American beers as "swill". you frequent any brewpub that has a disclaimer that they will ask you to leave if you order a light beer. you frequent any brewpub that does not serve beer other than its own in-house brew. you prefer home brew to......
    • You might be a computer geek if... This was inspired by a site that apparently no longer exists.  I'm starting this one from scratch. you rejoice at the trend toward DRM-free mp3s on Amazon, iTunes, etc... you're a card-carrying member of the EFF when you have to write with a pen, you find yourself using the Palm......
    Blog Traffic Exchange ]]>     http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/05/20/predicting-the-end-of-the-world-rapture-in-1988/feed/ 0     “Shit Happens” from a Social Media Perspective http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/03/17/shit-happens-from-a-social-media-perspective/ http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/03/17/shit-happens-from-a-social-media-perspective/#comments Thu, 17 Mar 2011 15:00:40 +0000 Thomas http://youmightbe.com/blog/?p=317 In the style of the Shit Happens list:

    Foursquare:

    • I am mayor of this toilet.

    Twitter:

    • That Mexican food hit me wrong. (Someone who is keen on maintaining their “personal brand”)
    • I need to shit. (Everyone else)

    Facebook:

    • The inside joke type:  “The Nope strikes again.” [where your inside crowd nickname for a Mexican place goes in the bold italics.]
      • 3 people “Like” this shit.
    • The vague, but obvious reference:  “Glade Floral Scent rocks.”
    • No apologies: “I Shit”

    Tumblr:

    • Whoa…  somebody didn’t flush their shit.  Hey, everybody, check this shit out!

    StumbleUpon:

    • Post your toilet and have random people shit in it.

    Digg:

    • You:  This shit is awesome.  Others:  I’m going to bury your shit.

    LinkedIn:

    • Excellent at making sure I flush my shit.

    Quora:

    • Why is there corn in my shit?

    See also:

    Related Posts
    • You might be a Broadway musical lover if... You hear a phrase and can tell which musical it came from. You hear a sentence in a song, and you can't help, but to sing the rest of the song. You know all the dance steps. You do all the Dance steps. and sing, You don't care who......
    • Types of Meetings Meeting before the meeting - A select group of people, usually from the same team, decide what the "correct outcome" of the main meeting is supposed to be. When the main meeting comes, the co-conspirators stick to their guns about what must be done. Meeting after the meeting - Often, the......
    • You might be anal-retentive if... you eat the M&Ms in color order. you fold your dirty clothes before putting them in the hamper. From Miranda: you have to have all boxes in the kitchen facing the same way and in order by size. you have all your canned goods organized by type, flavor, and......
    • You might be a gamer if...   [/caption] You don't think of a Russian bazooka when someone says "RPG". You use game stats to describe things in a movie. (Well, Han just blew his Fast-Talk roll) You use game stats to describe things in real life. You laugh yourself silly when you hear the word......
    • Diary of an AOL User One of my favorites from long ago. July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it's the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it in case they don't ever send me another. I can't connect. I......
    • You might be a New Yorker if... you know what "call you for it" or "choose you for it" means. you get scared when a stranger randomly starts up a conversation with you. you can't stand leaving the city because people everywhere else are so nice, it's annoying. you curse....a lot. you believe that if you're......
    Blog Traffic Exchange ]]>     http://youmightbe.com/blog/2011/03/17/shit-happens-from-a-social-media-perspective/feed/ 0